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Original poster

What to do if you think someone is “out of your league”?

35 replies

TossaCoinToYerWitcher · 26/05/2021 10:51

Inspired by another thread - and posting as a man (so please go easy on me 😬).

I’m not so much talking about obvious things, like dancing someone who looks like Brad Pitt, has the physique of Jason Momoa or who’s half your age. More, fancying someone who’s in their late forties but in good shape (they run marathons) and who you seem to “click” with but then you think “well, to be fair they could probably get that 6ft tall guy or someone a bit more self-confident and athletic if they wanted”. And, yes, that person might turn out to be godawful in other ways (selfish, lazy, etc) but it could always be there as a tantalising option: they could get everything they might get with me plus those things as a cherry on the top.

Is this just crippling lack of self-esteem I should get therapy for? Or is being in someone’s “league” a truism in your experience?

OP posts:
Original poster
TossaCoinToYerWitcher · 26/05/2021 10:51

*fancying not fancing

OP posts:
Original poster
TossaCoinToYerWitcher · 26/05/2021 10:51

*dancing! D’oh!!

OP posts:
Branleuse · 26/05/2021 10:57

Are you talking about being out of her league in that you think shes much more physically attractive than you?
I think in your 40s that sort of thing matters a lot less than in your 20s.
If youre a bit awestruck by this woman, it doesnt necessarily mean that you need therapy for being nervous about whether shes too good for you. How do you know her and what makes you feel like you click? Do you feel shes interested in you?

ditalini · 26/05/2021 11:12

There are no leagues. Sure, magazines might create a top 100 sexy males etc, but in real life the league doesn't exist (on the most basic level, there are a host of things that make someone attractive and they are by no means the same for all people - I don't think Jason Momoa is remotely attractive although he's probably a very nice person and if I got to know him maybe I'd change my mind).

The only thing I would say is that thinking someone is "out of your league" can, in some people, progress to paranoia, jealousy and controlling behaviour, fuelled by the idea that the "out of your league" partner must be being pursued by others, ergo may be tempted to stray.

So don't do that.

Acupofcamus · 26/05/2021 11:31

I honestly don’t think leagues exist, only in corny American films.

Physical attraction is important to begin with but people go for all sorts of things and you won’t get past the first date even if you look like Jason Mamoa but have the personality of a soggy cabbage. You need to click with the person for it to go anywhere basically so the notion that super physically attractive people would only be interested in someone who is also super attractive is nonsense.

Phoenix121 · 26/05/2021 11:59

You are overthinking. Just bloody go for it.

missmopple · 26/05/2021 12:09

People are just...well...people.

Go for it.

Sakurami · 26/05/2021 12:29

What are you talking about? I don't think of leagues but I do think big age differences are important because you are taking a lot of things away from them.

So if you're yearning after someone over 10 years younger than you then they're out of your league. Anything else, no.

StillLearningDad · 26/05/2021 13:31

Before we got together, I thought my wife might be out of my league (by which I mean: very good-looking, and awesome in various other ways, so likely to have lots of guys chasing her.) I decided that I didn't have much to lose by just giving things a try and being myself (an upbeat version of myself). As it turned out, we got on well and she liked lots of things about me too.

hopingtochangeeachtime · 26/05/2021 13:37

Just give it a go, you never know. I do cringe a little having asked guys out and been rejected but you never really know why and at least I asked. One who was out of my league said yes and he was a total idiot when we went out a few times, just not for me. I'm sad I wasted a long time thinking about him and asking.

Wherearemymarbles · 26/05/2021 13:47

I suppose it depends.

If you’re Christy Turlington you can probably have any man you want and so an over weight, average looking bricklayer is never, ever going to stand a chance, no matter how nice he is.

So I think the league thing is more about perceived options the other person has and the assumption that a good looking person will be only interested in similarly attractive people with added bonus of good jobs and money.

In some cases that will be true and in others not

Summerhillsquare · 26/05/2021 13:57

My boyfriend is out of my league in many ways, I just try not to think about it. ExDH was too. I'm used to punching above my weight 😁

Fireflygal · 26/05/2021 14:30

Surely leagues only work if you agree with values?? I don't think athletic prowess would score high with me. Attractiveness is also objective. Some people rate status, careers, intellect and money as positive attributes.

My experience has changed my opinion as people who pursue sporting achievements get very boring quickly as they often get their priorities wrong.

Op. What do you value in a person? You can be attracted to someone based on how they appear but maybe they don't share your values.

hopingtochangeeachtime · 26/05/2021 14:34

@Wherearemymarbles

I suppose it depends.

If you’re Christy Turlington you can probably have any man you want and so an over weight, average looking bricklayer is never, ever going to stand a chance, no matter how nice he is.

So I think the league thing is more about perceived options the other person has and the assumption that a good looking person will be only interested in similarly attractive people with added bonus of good jobs and money.

In some cases that will be true and in others not

What about Katie Price ? She certainly goes for the poor bricklayer types.
WineAcademy · 26/05/2021 14:40

There's no such thing as leagues, but if anyone wants to get a good partner, they need to be a good partner. Or at least, be the kind of person you would want to be with. I, myself, prefer someone who is introspective and responsible, prioritises self improvement and personal growth, but also knows how to have a laugh. That's the kind of person I am, and the kind of person I want to be with. Most other stuff flows out from there.

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 26/05/2021 14:52

In your scenario a less conventionally attractive (and therefore lower ranked league!) partner would be just as tempted by Jason Momoa and - whether or not he reciprocated - if their head has been turned and they feel something is lacking with you, they could be tempted away even for the promise of something better, whether or not it materialised!

FWIW I always felt DP was out of my league and I think he did too! . I see now that after getting to know each other, I’m a catch and he has his flaws, so while he may have been able to attract a Premier League partner, she may not have stuck around Grin.

His ex looks (on paper) premier league but is an awful selfish person, alcoholic and shit mum (not just his take on it, I’ve seen it first hand when she goes out drinking and getting high with mates leaving their kids home alone overnight so he has to leave my house and go to the rescue!) so IME looks are bullshit, it’s how someone behaves that makes them attractive. Over the years any threat I felt from seeing those two as better than me has vanished and I now feel that even with a few stone extra and a distinct lack of personal grooming that I’m more attractive Grin

WhatDreamsAreMade · 26/05/2021 15:00

Rather than thinking in terms of leagues, think about your own strengths and value them. If you do not value yourself, it’s difficult for anyone else to value you. Become your own kind friend and cheerleader, that encouragement will give you more and more belief in yourself over time.

The best way to be with someone you consider may be “out of your league”, is to do the inner work to make yourself accomplished and strong. Better to have real confidence than to fake it or constantly doubt yourself.

Become really good at the things you’re already good at, or pick up entirely new interests. This will keep you happy and buzzing, and people like that are like bees to honey.

Original poster
TossaCoinToYerWitcher · 26/05/2021 15:00

Thanks everyone for your responses! 🙂 To answer a few questions: she’s a couple of years older than me and helps run an activity group my kids go to. We often get chatting when dropping off and picking up - nothing, admittedly, to say she really fancies me however I tend to be the only parent she does this with. According to a friend who is in the same running group, she is single though, admittedly, only have their word for it.

To be honest, I wasn’t attracted to her looks to start with - if I’ve had a “type” in the past it’s been more curvy, petite women. But I just feel, for want of a better term, so comfortable talking to her - like we spark or speak the same language. I’ve no evidence she fancies me though. It absolutely might just be she’s being friendly.

OP posts:
Outbutnotoutout · 26/05/2021 15:05

Ask her out for a coffee ☕ and see if you are compatible with her. Start as good friends work up from there.

Naunet · 26/05/2021 15:06

I think there is such a thing as leagues, but maybe not in the American movie sense, more just in terms of baseline initial attraction. I read an article by a phycologist once that talked about how we are often attracted to people who are around the same attractiveness level as we are. There’s obviously exceptions and I think women tend to date men who aren’t as attractive as they are, far more often than the other way around.

Acupofcamus · 26/05/2021 15:07

If you’re Christy Turlington you can probably have any man you want

Extremely subjective. Had no idea who she was so googled and I don’t think she’s anything special...

Naunet · 26/05/2021 15:08

Yeah ask her out OP, why not? Just keep it casual.

WhatDreamsAreMade · 26/05/2021 15:09

Chemistry has nothing to do with looks, and it sounds like that’s what you might have. Having been on both sides of your imaginary league table, the thrill and exhilaration of chemistry cannot be repeated by a better looking partner, it gives a powerful hold between two people. Sometimes this chemistry seems to have no rhyme or reason at all. It’s just there to be enjoyed.

You never know, she may also be thinking that she could never catch your eye. Grin

It’s a fun situation to be in, the fear is part of the thrill, treat it as such.

blackheartsgirl · 26/05/2021 15:15

I thought dp was out of mine when we met.
Popular, articulate, fancied women that were made up and glamorous (he had a type)

Turns out he thought the same about me.

Been together 3 years

AgeLikeWine · 26/05/2021 15:19

What do you have to lose by asking her to go for a coffee or for lunch with you, OP?

Answer : Absolutely nothing.

What, realistically, is the worst thing that can happen? She says ‘no thanks’, or says she isn’t actually single. That’s not the end of the world.

Be nice, be friendly and just go for it, without being pushy. You sound nice, so I have a feeling she will say yes.

Good luck! Smile