What to do if you think someone is “out of your league”?

[TossaCoinToYerWitcher]

Inspired by another thread - and posting as a man (so please go easy on me 😬).

I’m not so much talking about obvious things, like dancing someone who looks like Brad Pitt, has the physique of Jason Momoa or who’s half your age. More, fancying someone who’s in their late forties but in good shape (they run marathons) and who you seem to “click” with but then you think “well, to be fair they could probably get that 6ft tall guy or someone a bit more self-confident and athletic if they wanted”. And, yes, that person might turn out to be godawful in other ways (selfish, lazy, etc) but it could always be there as a tantalising option: they could get everything they might get with me plus those things as a cherry on the top.

Is this just crippling lack of self-esteem I should get therapy for? Or is being in someone’s “league” a truism in your experience?

@Outbutnotoutout

Ask her out for a coffee ☕ and see if you are compatible with her. Start as good friends work up from there.

Good idea. Low key, but will do the trick to convey your interest.

@WineAcademy

There's no such thing as leagues, but if anyone wants to get a good partner, they need to be a good partner. Or at least, be the kind of person you would want to be with. I, myself, prefer someone who is introspective and responsible, prioritises self improvement and personal growth, but also knows how to have a laugh. That's the kind of person I am, and the kind of person I want to be with. Most other stuff flows out from there.

Actually studies show that's not factually correct. In fact they show that around 70-80% of women/men who on looks, score a 10, tend to have partners who also score a 10 on looks, 9's with 9's etc.

People who look for someone who is introspective and responsible, prioritises self improvement and personal growth, but also knows how to have a laugh also come in 10's, 9's, 8's etc.

Personally... I had massive trouble on Hinge because I looked at eg a man a couple of years younger than me (I was 51) with a high status job who was pretty gorgeous, and I just thought, it would be embarrassing even to 'like' his profile - he could be dating hot 35 year old women, or hot 45 year old women if he's done with babies.

Tbh the only time I broke that rule and liked a profile that I thought was out of my league, I got scammed. So I decided that OLD ought to involve a bit of brutal honesty with yourself.

Having said that... maybe I missed out. Maybe HE missed out - at my best I'm pretty awesome. Only the brave deserve the beautiful.

Studies show, do they?

A system of scoring people out of 10 is really shitty, imo.

You must still be quite young to be attributing numbers to people.

Ps. The guy I'm seeing now is both hot and lovely. But within a certain banding of both.

What you find attractive definitely changes as you get older. Clicking with someone is such a whole-body experience, and that’s not necessarily just in romantic relationships but the chemistry you have with absolutely everyone. I think this is what takes over as you age and you realise connections are more personal.

This is why I find people who use dating apps are probably missing out on all of this! It’s so easy just to swipe away what you don’t like the look of on first impressions. 25 years back, you’d meet a few people in a bar on a night out and it was an entirely different connection. Not so fast and brutal!

Never think you’re not good enough for someone.

I had an online flirtation with a cute guy from a dating site years ago - he contacted me - who I felt was out of my league. He had a PhD in a medical field, very intelligent and had creative talents as well and I didn't even go to university and felt a bit stupid in comparison. We had a lot in common otherwise and flirted as well as talking about all sorts of things but the entire time I wondered why he was bothering with me and felt like I wasn't good enough. I guess I didn't have a lot of confidence and other women wouldn't have even thought about that. In the end he flaked on me when I mentioned meeting and I think he had anxiety issues which he'd hinted about but I didn't ask for more information because I just felt overwhelmed. I felt sad that we didn't meet, even something casual would have been nice.

I guess the trick is to not overthink things and just go for it.

Personality is more important than looks.

Everyone has different things that draw them to another. I personally only get into relationships with men who are extremely intelligent and a little bit arrogant. Only one of those is actually a positive feature and yet, that is just how my attraction is wired.