Husband just wants a 'quiet life' he's 39 years old...

MaizeBlouse · 26/05/2021 07:05

Sounds like he is checking out of his responsibilities. I mean, I too would fucking love a quiet life. But I'm a parent and my job is to look after my 2 DC who are both under 4yo. Its LOUD and exhausting and relentless.

Does he do his fair share?

Tbh it sounds like the love is gone in the relationship anyway.

DonLewis · 26/05/2021 07:08

There's a couple of ways of looking at this.

The kind way. Your husband is overwhelmed by being a parent. He doesn't know what to do with all the love! And, let's be honest, it is exhausting being A parent. He's being honest.

The less kind way, is, well, yes of course it is exhausting being a parent. What did he really expect. And does this (his) exhaustion mean you have to pick up more of the parenting crap?

If you dislike him, you need to think about where you want to go with that. Stay and end up hating him? Or try and work through some stuff, no guarantees how it will go? Or do you cut your losses and get out of there?

Does he share the load? Make you laugh? Do you have good times? The thing that made you want to have a baby and a life with him: is it still there for you?

Standrewsschool · 26/05/2021 07:08

Some people do find having children difficult, and don’t cope with the baby and toddler stages. He may find it easier when the child is older. He’s just being honest that being a dad is difficult and not all smooth sailing.

What does ‘strong emotions’ mean? Is that another way of saying lively, or naughty? Is it all the time he can’t cope, or just at odd moments? We all have times when we find parenthood tiring,

bigbaggyeyes · 26/05/2021 07:08

Well he doesn't get a quiet life until about 18 yrs time.

Your ds might be picking up on the lack of involvement or emotional connection from your dh which is why he's over the top with him. He obviously feels safe and secure in his relationship with you, as you don't get the emotional overload from your ds like your dh does.

gamerchick · 26/05/2021 07:14

Yeah your bairn sounds insecure with his dad. That's not great tbh. You don't get that because as far as he's concerned you're just an extension of him.

Your bloke needs to grow up.

PermanentTemporary · 26/05/2021 07:15

I'm glad to hear you're going to counselling.

Fact is that it's quite easy to feel completely at odds with your partner when children are this small. Your priority has to be your child, your romance becomes a work project where the goal is to keep a small person alive and support their development despite their best efforts. It's a very different life.

Im guess I'm saying, if you're feeling very far apart rn, it doesn't necessarily mean the relationship is doomed.

Roselilly36 · 26/05/2021 07:16

He’s only 39, honestly I think most people would realise that raising children is tiring & hard work, but also the most rewarding thing you will ever do. He.needs to grow up, and be a dad. Your DS sounds an adorable little boy. Good luck OP.

rjacksmiss · 26/05/2021 07:19

No wonder men don't talk about their feelings enough.

If he feels exhausted with life there is a good chance he's feeling down or depressed. Life is tough yeah, kids are tough but someone who is struggling with even the most normal of tasks or daily business is someone that needs a bit of help.

When I was depressed I just wanted to be left alone. I just craved peace.

Has he ever been quite introverted? Introverted parents can really struggle at the start.

Be nice to him though. Help him.

Itwasgoodwhileitlasted · 26/05/2021 07:22

I felt like that when mine were very young.

I was exhausted and one of my children was always accident prone so I was always on a knifes edge waiting for the crying/ screaming.

Also, one was a terrible sleeper and woke 4 times a night.

Friends would ask me to go on nights out and weekends away but I always declined. It was too much for me. I too wanted a quiet, boring life.

Now they are 5 years older and I've had some rest, I am desperate to go to Ibiza!!

Is he feeling similar to that at all? If he is, it will change.

PickAChew · 26/05/2021 07:23

So dad gets to be overwhelmed by being a parent and opt out as much as possible while mum doesn't have a choice AND is expected to "help" dad as well as look after a spirited toddler?

Fuck that.

Original poster

JC2021 · 26/05/2021 07:51

I would say 'spirited' is the right word.. he is super intelligent, emotionally aware and chatty.. he keeps us on our toes.. only just started sleeping fairly well, maybe 4 nights out of 7! Husband has quite a lot of space, working from home in an office, i am full time mum.. he likes to compare who is more tired etc.,

he is introverted for sure.. he does look like he struggles as have i in the past.. i'm reading into attachment theories..

my son seems to stroke and kiss dad a lot, tell him he loves him, needy with him - so i'm reading that as not being securely attached..?

husband doesn't like his job so is looking for a way out / he also has hobby that takes his time.. i'm cool with having own interests and independence outside of the family unit, but feel sometimes he doesn't want to do much - other than whatever he wants to do.. selfish i feel.

i've tried helping him in the past but gave up as he apparently 'didn't need any help', he hasn't changed much but got bit worse..

i think he needs to grow up too. very emotionally immature

OP posts:

Fireflygal · 26/05/2021 08:06

You are going through the hard years, he doesn't like his job then add in lockdown abd it's easy to see why someone is craving a quiet life.

He can articulate it, that's not unreasonable but he can't choose to completely opt out. Although some men do choose to!

However some people do genuinely struggle with young children. Mums and Dads, they often get better as the children get older.
Do you and your dh connect in any other ways?

Are you planning to return to work so could be financially independent?

Horehound · 26/05/2021 08:09

Sound alike your son is craving attention and love from his dad. Does your husband give him it or does he retreat when your son is stroking him etc?

Maybe your husband should "love bomb" your son and see if that makes your son feel more secure and in turn will reduce his attachment style with DH

triballeader · 26/05/2021 09:05

It might be the clash that comes when a deep introvert is faced with an in your face noisy extrovert. I am a deep introvert and I value quiet space in which to think and frankly recharge my batteries. My middle two children were nightmares for me to live with. DD was an out and out noisy extrovert who followed me everywhere talking none-stop. DS was a ball of screaming hyper energy. I plain struggled till DH realised and stepped in. I felt like I was parenting on empty. Knowing I could hand kids over and have an hour or two completely to myself to garden, read, walk, have a bath whatever recharged me enough to be able to cope. As they got older and understood mum needed quiet time and they could occupy themselves more it got a lot easier.

isitsummertimeyet · 26/05/2021 09:19

@MaizeBlouse

Sounds like he is checking out of his responsibilities. I mean, I too would fucking love a quiet life. But I'm a parent and my job is to look after my 2 DC who are both under 4yo. Its LOUD and exhausting and relentless.

Does he do his fair share?

Tbh it sounds like the love is gone in the relationship anyway.

overreaction much ?

How can you assume the love is gone from that one post?

The only thing missing from your post is LTB..

TheYearOfSmallThings · 26/05/2021 09:28

I don't know. Your husband certainly doesn't get to have a quiet life with a 2 year old child, but..I am getting a feeling you and your DS might be quite a lot for anyone to manage. Plus you speak of your DH with no love, only irritation and disappointment.

It is good that you are going to counseling, which will help clarify whether you want to remain in your marriage, and also give you some strategies to manage your different parenting styles without confusing your DS.

I would say the main thing at this point is don't have another DC, and also consider whether you would be wise to start planning a return to work.

DreamingNow · 26/05/2021 09:29

It sounds like he is struggling with being a father, the responsibility and the fact it’s 24/7.
I imagine covid making it harder fir him to ‘escape’ has made things worse.

DreamingNow · 26/05/2021 09:31

@isitsummertimeyet, tbh I got the sam feeling from the OP.

It seems that she has enough of his behaviour and attitude. She said herself she dislikes him more and more after all...

DateXY · 26/05/2021 09:44

@rjacksmiss

No wonder men don't talk about their feelings enough.

If he feels exhausted with life there is a good chance he's feeling down or depressed. Life is tough yeah, kids are tough but someone who is struggling with even the most normal of tasks or daily business is someone that needs a bit of help.

When I was depressed I just wanted to be left alone. I just craved peace.

Has he ever been quite introverted? Introverted parents can really struggle at the start.

Be nice to him though. Help him.

This.

Also I suspect the "spirited" description OP used is a euphemism for "undisciplined"

High activity and some naughtiness is normal but I see parents with lax parenting who let their kids rule the roost and excuse bad behaviour,
letting their kids become annoying terrors that other adults have to grit their teeth to be around .

Everyone (mum and dad) need time breaks which are not interrupted by children and quality time together to maintain the adult relationship. You can't let your child completely and utterly take over otherwise anyone's marriage will fall apart, which ends up being worse for the child anyway! Some adults also simply need more quiet/alone time, especially if they're introverted, as they need alone time to mentally recharge. Lack of necessary recharge time plus sleep deprivation is a recipe of depression and emotional overwhelm.

Umberellatheweatha · 26/05/2021 09:50

Theres a difference between emotionally immature and just emotionally stunted.

You 'dislike him' though. So why are you bothering with counciling? Just call it a day. If resentment has entered a relationship there is no going back from that. And life is too short.

'

Wheresriri · 26/05/2021 09:51

Could you suggest he spends at least ten minutes a day giving his child full attention and building that up? I struggle with DD I’m an introvert and love being alone so it’s been a bit of a shock to the system, COVID has made everything worse. Doing focused playing with her helps because I know I’ve set up half an hour giving her my exclusive attention and I don’t clock watch as much.

However parents don’t get to opt out and I’d be really worried about attachment issues. We have them so we crack on, we don’t have to always enjoy it but all of us have an obligation to at least try.

Thats regardless of what happens to your marriage.

Sweetslumber · 26/05/2021 09:59

our son, who is just over 2.5yrs - our son loves his dad, tells him so many times a day and seems to want all of his positive attention all the time - much less so mine.

Your son gravitates towards his father and is demanding. Share the load, let him leave the room and you take over.

our boy has strong emotions and i know at times my husband can't quite deal with it.. he says things like 'what is this?' 'what is he doing?'
Code for: Your DH finds outbursts irritating and frustrating- who doesn’t.

very emotionally immature..
Is he? Or does he just find parenting hard work like all of us?

also says 'I just want a quiet life' what on earth does that mean.. often 'joking' that myself and our son exhausts him..
Many parents crave quiet time. Not unusual.

i said 'shouldn't have kids then if you want a quiet life' to which he replies 'but i didn't know'.
Very B&W response. Who does know?
Work as a team, share the load (giving attention, chores, demands) and ride it out.

Mummytemping · 26/05/2021 10:23

@DonLewis

There's a couple of ways of looking at this.

The kind way. Your husband is overwhelmed by being a parent. He doesn't know what to do with all the love! And, let's be honest, it is exhausting being A parent. He's being honest.

The less kind way, is, well, yes of course it is exhausting being a parent. What did he really expect. And does this (his) exhaustion mean you have to pick up more of the parenting crap?

If you dislike him, you need to think about where you want to go with that. Stay and end up hating him? Or try and work through some stuff, no guarantees how it will go? Or do you cut your losses and get out of there?

Does he share the load? Make you laugh? Do you have good times? The thing that made you want to have a baby and a life with him: is it still there for you?

I think this is really wise advice

AttilaTheMeerkat · 26/05/2021 11:14

Given what you have written about him and his behaviour towards you (and in turn your son) previously, I would question your decision to at all enter into joint counselling. Its not recommended anyway if there is abuse of any type within the relationship.

If counselling is to be at all considered here I would do this on your own. You need to be able to talk in both a calm and safe environment.

Sweetslumber · 26/05/2021 11:18

AttilaTheMeerkat

This is the problem with MN. Unless you read previous threads/posts we are often unaware of the bigger picture/backstory.