If you had a great childhood and your parents are divorced

[Nextchapterofmybook]

Please can you tell me what they did which kept your childhood happy?

DH and I have finally decided to separate. We are amicable, due to lots of stresses over the years we have fallen out of love. Been counselling with Relate since Jan and both in agreement now that it’s time to move on.

Our kids are 3 and 5. My DHs parents are divorced and it was very acrimonious and really impacted his childhood and made him very sad. We are both upset for our kids. A lot of what I’ve researched says ‘don’t argue in front of the kids or speak badly about the other parent’ but we never argue, neither of us is the type.

I’m so worried about the impact on them, I guess I’m just looking for reassurance or real life examples of what makes kids happy in separated houses. My parents are still very happily married so I can’t get my head around what this is going to be like for my children.

Ps, been here for ages, love a parking diagram, but regular name changer in case outing

I'm not sure I can say for certain, because it's only been a year for us, but it was a similar situation, although I pushed for it, he probably would have kept trying but it was over for me. He knew it was too, it just took him longer. I'm lucky as I'm still in the house, but that will change in the next year or so, we did decide not to do it all at once though.

He has been brilliant about finances, so have I, I do have lots of resentment about the fact he's earning shitloads and only has to have the kids mostly when it suits, plus I'm actually due more from him than I get, but it does all seem to be working out...I have times when I think it would have been easier to stay together, but it's easy to forget the bad times and all the niggles that made me fall out of love with him. Kids are 6 and 11 and are very attached to me, he was always at work and wasn't that present when he was here. He's definitely autistic and can't do emotion, unless he's drunk..I still like him, but I outgrew him.

However, things we do that mean the kids have been relatively unscathed...

I bite my lip if he's being useless, I save moaning about him for my friends, the kids never hear of it.

I involve him in all the school stuff, do all the admin, even if it galls as he never did it before and it hasn't changed..I let him know about everything and he chooses what to actually do, I do need to stop reminding him about parents evening etc, but then they'd lose out.

I make sure that we appear as friends in front of the kids, but we don't hang out together just with them, for example birthdays etc are fine together and even with my family, but no days out etc,so we don't confuse them.

I facilitate contact, so I do all the pickups and drop offs, as he doesn't drive. It's a pain, but it means the kids get more time with him.

Partners, we are both seeing people, but the kids don't know, and won't for ages. It's separate to our time with them.

I send him photos, he sends me them too, of stuff they do together. Means I can talk about it with them.

We have a routine, I warn them in plenty of time if it's changing...they both enjoy time with him, I try not to get upset about his Disney dad behaviour, or the fact they don't brush their teeth, or wash properly at his, I just make sure they do here.

I kept a good relationship with my ex in laws, I send them photos and chat, I've known them 20 years and I think it'll continue, they've not taken sides and neither have my parents. I downplayed the reasons to our friends and family so they're all on good terms with us both.

I try to be present as s parent on my time with the kids, it's a 5/2 split, generally, it does mean I end up with all the drudgery, but with a few very late nights I can keep work stuff out if my time with them and I just crash when they aren't here, I sleep a lot and then I can be up and with them when they are.

Basically I'm married still without living with him, it's still better! I'm still resentful but I have my two nights to just kick back and I do think eventually they're happier, although covid and everything have meant their lives have changed, I don't think the separation has actually caused much damage. Once things are back to normal I think I'll be able to tell properly though, obviously big holidays away and lots of spare cash for stuff aren't there any more but we make our own fun when we can. I definitely do more for him than I'm happy with but it's ok, it's for them.

Not sure if that helps! Good luck though, it's a process, there are hurdles along the way but I think the saying goes, you can't eat an elephant 🐘 whole, just take it bit by bit..

Thanks that’s really helpful. Out of interest why did you decide no days out together?
We were still going to do swimming on a Sunday together, firstly as it’s tricky with 1 adult and 2 kids but also thought it would be good for them to see us being friendly together. Also what days did you both choose for their dads contact days? I’m thinking Saturday night and Sunday day, and then a Thursday night. DH can’t have them 50/50 due to night shifts but his work can be flexible on which night shifts he chooses.

My parents had a very amicable separation (in fact, they’re still legally married 20 years on!) and we saw a lot of each other as I grew up. Key to that was a desire for consistency and centring my needs - so they were v honest with me about the separation, I went to help dad view houses and has input into the one he bought, they made all decisions jointly and I couldn’t play them off against each other, dad always stayed over on Christmas Eve so we had Christmas as a family, dad also was responsible for all dentist/orthodontist visits (and there were a lot!!) so there was a fairer share of managing the additional admin of having a child. Presents were joint and/or discussed between them and they’d share responsibility for who was sorting what (and still do that now!) I stayed with dad overnight most Saturdays and he’d usually come by in the week after work.

I was a bit older than your DC (9) when they separated, and while I was very upset initially, their commitment to maintaining a strong family unit meant that it really wasn’t very disruptive at all! I think if you like and respect each other - both in front of the children and when you’re alone!- it’s possible to maintain a good relationship and family unit that just lives in two houses (even accounting for new partners). My parents are unusual and probably at the extreme end of amicable post-split relationship! But it can be done 😊

Personally I think every other weekend is better than splitting weekends, as you can never do much on the weekends if you split them.

My parents had an acrimonious separation, but I still had a great childhood.

To be honest I think I had a great childhood because they split up. If they had stayed together it definitely wouldn't have been good, and I can fully recognise that. Also, they always put me first - always. Both of them. They both were able to completely put their own crap to one side and make sure I got what I needed (or at least, that's how it seemed to me, which is the important thing).

They didn't really have much contact at all between them. There was a solid arrangement where I spent mon-fri with my mum and sat/sun with my dad, every week (unless I didn't want to - it was always my choice, which is also important - there was no "oh I can't have her this weekend" so I always felt wanted at both sides).

I never felt like they were trying to control or get one over on the other, in fact they just had minimal contact and for me it was two completely separate worlds.

It was mostly managed by my step dad, who was a kind of the middle man I suppose. He would drop me off/ pick me up from my dad's and my mum would never be involved. She would speak to him on the phone if it was absolutely essential, but she'd never ever see him in person. This means I cannot remember ever seeing my mum and dad in the same room - and I'm OK with that.

I'm not saying that this works for everyone (and not everyone has a step dad or someone who can act in that position) but it worked for me and I have no resentment.

We all still spent Christmas and birthdays together for the first couple years which I loved, until my step mum put a stop to it I appreciate as an adult it's weird for adults, but as children we loved it, really took the pressure off worrying about one parent on their own (not just the other but the one at home stressing).

We decided no joint family days because it confused DD and gave her hope that we’d live together again

We have days out together and have even been on holiday together. Ex comes and stays overnight on children’s birthdays and Christmas so they spend them with both of us.

I think the most important thing is no divided loyalties. And our arrangements for dc are flexible. They have two nights a week with xh but sometimes they choose to spend an extra night. We’ll be flexible depending on each other’s work commitments etc. And quite often one of us will take a dc for some 1:1 time while the other has siblings.

We live close by so they can take stuff between houses which helps.

Thanks everyone this is very reassuring, appreciate it.

My parents divorced when I was 2, but separated when I was 6 months, so very different situation. And I only saw my dad 3 times a year (his choice) but I was a total daddy's girl growing up and when he did visit, it was like I'd met Santa!

My DM would throw me a birthday party every year and he would turn up, having not paid a penny or helped her towards any of it, and all I could talk about was him turning up! But she let him, knowing I how happy it would make me.

She never, ever spoke badly of him in front of me (god knows how!)

If I could ask her now, I think she would say "concentrate on being the best parent you can be."
Don't think about how they're doing whatever they're doing for or with the kids.
Don't become competitive or play games with the other parent because kids will spot it a mile off

@FontyMcFontface thanks for sharing, how did you make this work if you had a new partner?

Neither of us have new partners. I think it might be difficult if we did. Although I do have a friend who is in a new relationship and still has her ex joining them on holidays, I think the new partner would have to be very understanding!

I did have one relationship after we separated. We were very separate and the other person also had children who shared care with their dad.

We had time as a couple when dc were with their dads, time with the dc and what I did with ex was separate. But we weren’t at the stage of Christmas together etc.
Her dc sometimes joined me and my kids and my ex for days out. She did join us sometimes but not often.

My parents split up when I was 11, and my dad fought for 50:50 custody. After a bit of experimentation we settled into a week about. Most transitions were done by the school bus - got on one bus in the morning with a suitcase and got in the other in the afternoon. Important points - keep siblings together, don’t split them between parents (we tried that for a couple of weeks and hated it!). At school everything was reasonably amicable, but as students it fell apart a bit - mainly to do with money and Dad changing his mind about how much he would pay towards us. I suppose as we got older Mum stopped minding her tongue so much and moaned to us about Dad a lot. That wasn’t great and with hindsight she was trying to make us side with her. We didn’t, though - we refused to stop seeing Dad, for instance, and she should never have suggested it.

The trickiest bits apart from that had to do with step-parents - my stepmum wasn’t the easiest person to get along with! She hadn’t had kids then and she found dealing with teenagers very difficult. Luckily we could all decompress by having every second week off.

@TooExtraImmatureCheddar I agree, step parents are the hardest bit to deal with in my opinion, even if you get on it's an extremely difficult relationship to adjust to and it's very unlikely they will have the exact same ethos you're used to, I'm just ever so grateful my parents didn't ever "blend families" or have further children.

My parents separated when I was 5, my sister 6. They told us daddy had to live somewhere else for work, I totally rolled with that!

It must have been very hard for them but they clearly had spent a lot of time deciding what would work best for us; we spent every weekend or eow at Dad's which was only a 30 minute drive. He spent time letting us choose things for our new bedroom at his. They never spoke badly of each other in front of us and sometimes we spent Christmases together (with other family too which probably helped to diffuse the awkward).

They remained civil and sometimes met up without us, even recently.

Mum never dated, or at least never brought anyone back to our home; Dad had one serious gf who we were introduced to before he met his second wife when I was about 14. I am glad they took it seriously how we might feel seeing them with new people although I would have liked to see my Mum with someone new.

I think the main impact on me was the impression that marrying too young would be a mistake...I waited until well into my 30s!

Being amicable over finances and child contact is the starting point. If there is fairness and no resentment then parenting going forwards is much easier. Children can cope with parents in 2 homes. There will be times they are unhappy, especially when they have to split Christmas or big occasions. You can stop that happening.

I'm not sure about activities together as that could be confusing...definitely more so when they get older.

I have an acrimonious divorce, genuinely not of my making but my children are happy. The behaviours that caused me to divorce Ex are now behaviours that the children witness so I can shelter them from that.

If your H is a good man, no abusive behaviours then a amicable separation is possible. It will just happen. Having younger children helps as they will have less memories of you both being together.

I can't relate to ending a non abusive marriage so the reasons for leaving and benefits to dc are clearer.

Also, I'm sorry about your divorce, it must be really stressful, but the fact that you're both wanting to get it right speaks volumes, your kids will be just fine I'm sure!

Following with interest as I'm in the same position! Sorry I don't have useful advice to contribute for now, but hopefully I might in future.

[quote person6743]@TooExtraImmatureCheddar I agree, step parents are the hardest bit to deal with in my opinion, even if you get on it's an extremely difficult relationship to adjust to and it's very unlikely they will have the exact same ethos you're used to, I'm just ever so grateful my parents didn't ever "blend families" or have further children.[/quote]
The new half siblings were the easy bit - I love them to bits! I’m 18-23 years older than them, though, so well past childish jealousy of a new sibling.

Other things that worked - we had two Christmasses. One on Christmas Day with one parent, and one on the 27/28th Dec with the other parent. And we took that in turns - one year with Mum, the other year with Dad. We loved having two Christmasses! Same for birthdays.

The other thing that worked was that both parents stayed within our school catchment area. They both moved a few times (into rented, into a small flat, then in with new partners) but they stuck to a 15 mile radius so we could still get to school using school transport. It totally confused the school office but it worked for us!

On the flip side, my parents stayed together for us (lucky us, wasn't actually ever about us...) and they were both miserable and resentful. It was hideous growing up in that environment. I can't tell if it would have been happier if they separated but at least it would have been different. In my opinion, as long as your children live in an environment where they have respect and can be open and honest and know they are loved they will be ok, regardless of whether or not their parents are together.

Just chiming in to say we do things together with the kids
Just natural things that come up and are easier together or kids would enjoy it more if we are both together
It doesn't confuse them and makes them happy we can still be a unit
After reading many threads on here it seems it's all to do with how amicable you can be together
I completely see how a strict divided split would be the best for some - we all have different dynamics going on
House proximity is v important and all my kids take are a small bag and usually passed after football / cricket training or natural pick up from school so they don't even see the bag most of the time (things we can't duplicate)
It took a lot of work and effort to get to this point though - good organisation / timetables and really trying to make it easy for the kids even if not for us
Best of luck

It can be done . We had our moments where I got some things wrong separation wise and had to learn a few things along the way. One thing that always stuck with me after and argument with my ex was my son whom was 11 at the time said “ I accepted the fact that you were getting divorced, I was sad about it but realised you’d both be happier but too continue arguing and shouting now you are apart isn’t fair at all ‘ that has always stayed with me. We don’t always have amicable partners but to keep the sea calm so to speak always try to be the bigger person ( easier said then done) and I try to keep in the back of my mind if my child ever finds him self in this situation in the future how would I like him to respond etc. Even if your ex is difficult/ awkward and unfriendly you don’t have to be. Your children will remember your reaction. Financially I’d always prepare for money to go down even if it’s all tickety boo . Life changes , new partners etc isn’t such a shock if you just bear it in mind .