If you had a great childhood and your parents are divorced

[Nextchapterofmybook]

Please can you tell me what they did which kept your childhood happy?

DH and I have finally decided to separate. We are amicable, due to lots of stresses over the years we have fallen out of love. Been counselling with Relate since Jan and both in agreement now that it’s time to move on.

Our kids are 3 and 5. My DHs parents are divorced and it was very acrimonious and really impacted his childhood and made him very sad. We are both upset for our kids. A lot of what I’ve researched says ‘don’t argue in front of the kids or speak badly about the other parent’ but we never argue, neither of us is the type.

I’m so worried about the impact on them, I guess I’m just looking for reassurance or real life examples of what makes kids happy in separated houses. My parents are still very happily married so I can’t get my head around what this is going to be like for my children.

Following this.

My ex was a shit for having an affair but he put the kids ahead of himself by helping to ensure that the kids didn't have to change schools which I think helped maintain stability.

We wouldn't do family outings because that leads to kids having fantasies about the parents being together and wishing that any new partners were out of the picture imo.

They see both of us on Xmas Day at their request. It's crap for the adults but they say that they want to see both of us on that day. Neither their Dad or I have had more kids so there's no half siblings at either house who are impacted by this.

Ex initially lived 4 hours away but moved house when I spoke about his much the kids were struggling with the travel. He now lives 45 mins away which is much better and helped massively.

Thanks everyone this is very helpful and gives me hope.

[quote person6743]@TooExtraImmatureCheddar I agree, step parents are the hardest bit to deal with in my opinion, even if you get on it's an extremely difficult relationship to adjust to and it's very unlikely they will have the exact same ethos you're used to, I'm just ever so grateful my parents didn't ever "blend families" or have further children.[/quote]
Absolutely this! I admire parents who put their kids first and focus on raising them instead of pursuing new men/women that they will then foist onto their kids (after all, the kids never asked to have their family smashed to pieces and their childhood should be the priority). Too many parents move onto new partners and it's utterly hideous as a child having adults you didn't choose being forced onto you, into your home and into your life.

One of the worst things are Christmases, birthdays and other family occasions. Christmas especially never had the same joy because your family effectively no longer exists; you're celebrating what should be a unified family occasion with two separate entities. The way your parents consciously and unconsciously interact with you also becomes different. Since they're no longer a unit, you as a child become the main battleground for them to impress/please since neither of them sees you full time anymore and deep down each parent fears being the one the child likes the least (even if the divorce is amicable). The normal family dynamic therefore becomes disordered.

Your parents divorce affects you permanently as a child, and the indirect effects of the divorce often ripple across wider family too. Even as an adult, you have to continually manoeveour around a broken family for the rest of your life. No one's family is perfect of course , but the dynamics of a divorced one and an intact one are completely different (I was very young but old enough to remember how things felt like before and after). To be completely honest, I'm still very envious of friends who have intact families. It's something that money can't buy.

@Nextchapterofmybook In both your shoes with no abuse etc I would really fight for the marriage. Divorce is treated quite flippantly nowadays (especially on this forum) but it really is a life changing event for children, regardless of amicable etc. They can certainly be bad years in a marriage and it sounds like both of you have been through a lot with the mention of "big stresses". At the end of the day you fell in love with each other and brought kids into the relationship for a reason and married to commit to someone for life. Perhaps you both can explore whether more radical changes in your lives and /or putting your marriage first above careers and other priorities can give the space to revitalise the relationship over time.

At the end of the day you fell in love with each other and brought kids into the relationship for a reason and married to commit to someone for life.

Unfortunately sometimes the person you fell in love with doesn't exist. It was a mask, because no one marries someone who appears unpleasant from the go-get. Once married / dependent, you see another side and the best thing you can do for everyone is separate.

I hated, hated the idea of divorce and stayed far too long in a very unhappy marriage.

Knew that I was right to be the one to pull the plug when my ex-MIL, a traditional lady who really wanted us to stay together for the children, said "You're better parents apart than you were together".

Having said that, agreed that a lot of people give up too fast. And divorce leaves a lifelong mark. It's still the least evil of the options though sometimes.

Either way I'm not entirely sure that women should put their marriage above their career; it makes them vulnerable in all sorts of ways. it's not so bad if you have a good relationship with a decent man, but there's a lot of users out there who'll dump you and the kids. that's why the CSA exists, such as it is.

OP, fwiw my ex and I started off by eating together now and then and doing days out. In the end we stopped, the main reason being that our oldest couldn't cope with it, he was desperately trying to get us back together, poor mite. We think that in fact it was better for him to stop the days out as it gave him false hope.

Every family is different, how to handle it may need to be adapted depending on the children's reactions. As people have said though, don't diss the other parent, remain polite and that will go a long way.