If you told a friend of 30 yrs standing you were ill would you expect a reply?

[52andblue]

I am having investigations for breast issues.
A biopsy was done and they have decided to remove a small lump and a margin of tissue around it.
I am trying not to worry but this has been a bit drawn out since Feb (covid), I'm a single parent to two kids with SN so I can't afford to be ill. I had a good friend die of breast cancer within 8 weeks of dx 2 years ago. Not me, obvs but it was shocking and it's made me worry.

I knew my friend in question very well some years ago. We lost touch (no drama). We got back in touch 5 years ago and they said it meant the world to them as I was 'the best friend they'd ever had'. I guess you'd call it love bombing (they had been a boyfriend back then) but it's settled down into a good friendship, or so I thought.

They knew I was going for a biopsy but didn't ask. I then emailed to say I have to have a small lump removed. I'd also suggested Lunch (first) as we've not met for ages and it would be lovely to see them.
No reply. I sent the email again as I've had trouble with my emails so wasn't 100% sure it had gone properly. They said they'd phone at 6am (a typical time for them, and okay by me). No call. At 3pm I get this:

'Having re read your email I am still unclear about what the current position is. However I can see that it might be distressing and that you might be preparing for the worst. I admit to being somewhat skeptical of your 'this is your last chance to see me before I die' line. I think we each tend to see the other person as prone to drama llama behavior'.

At NO POINT did I say: 'last chance to see me' etc.
I feel really stunned.

Am I over reacting (I am a bit emotional atm)
It's not so much the wording but the lack of phone call / email 'not received' that is making me think my friend doesn't want to know about this. Fair enough perhaps.

Sending love, first and foremost. Life will go on and be all the more delightful for it ❤️

Exactly this happened to me. I continued to message my very old (30 years plus) friend throughout, up to and including my mastectomy.

We’ve communicated since and I referred to it time and again. Nothing.
I eventually asked directly and she said “I’m sorry, I just can’t handle that”.
It’s been Christmas cards since

You really do learn who your pals are.

Reply is defo from him.
There are another 7 paragraphs entirely about him (right back to his schooldays and he is quite old now) and why he 'doesn't have time' for any distractions right now. All numerated in his usual style.

I can see that some people don't know what to say, he is not unusual in that I expect. @CharlotteRose90 he didn't know my other good friend no but he was with me when I got the news so he knew how shocked I was - I sobbed (she left 3 young children, it was truly awful).
@Minstermouse - ach - I am SO sorry to hear that. Just when you really need a friend someone you thought would be able to express their caring cannot for whatever reason. Hard for you x
I am sorry to hear you had a mastectomy but very glad you are here to tell the tale (even though it doesn't reflect very well on your friend)

I am just thinking of all his toothaches I have sympathised with over the last 5 years and the one occasion he was in hospital I travelled 300 miles to visit and also sent books / fruit etc. I am sorry he doesnt value me the same way. You live and learn indeed.

Sorry I got my timelines/events muddled up

Best wishes for Thursday

And if he's spent seven paragraphs telling you he doesn't have time for you, believe him. Either don't reply at all, or wait a bit and send a polite reply acknowledging that you hear what he says about being too busy.

God, he sounds like a self absorbed dick.

The 7 paras are not about him not having time for me but about HIM - his Important Work In Science and Maths (groundbreaking new stuff he is about to discover / invent). I'm aware I sound sneery here but he's been saying this for decades. He chooses not to 'waste time on a job / invest in friendships' because of his important work. Only it never comes to anything. I think he is happy in his own world. He occasionally wants to yank me in on his terms but that's usually bad.

thanks for the good wishes re Thurs. Hopefully it's no big deal.
At least I now know who not to invite for Lunch, either way!

That's a very nasty reply. The casual way this person says..."however you might be preparing for the worst..." is totally lacking in empathy.

I really feel for you and wish you all the best. I think that it's in times of high stress that we really work out who we can turn to. This person is toxic and has no place in your life.

He has just shown you what a nasty piece of work he is. I’d be tempted to send a terse reply to that & then block him.
Good luck with your lumpectomy

I sent this:

'I have just read your rather extraordinary email.
You say: 'I admit to being rather sceptical of your "this is your last chance to see me before I die" line. I think we each tend to see the other as prone to drama-llama behaviour".
I am not sure of your tense & therefore your meaning. If indeed you think Im being 'a drama llama' about lunch or my lumpectomy then let us hope you are correct & I have plenty more time with real friends'.

Not perfect, but it will do.
I don't expect to hear from him again. If I do I will ignore.
Thank you to everyone who replied, it's really helped me see I'm worth a kinder response than I got.

@52andblue

I sent this:

'I have just read your rather extraordinary email.
You say: 'I admit to being rather sceptical of your "this is your last chance to see me before I die" line. I think we each tend to see the other as prone to drama-llama behaviour".
I am not sure of your tense & therefore your meaning. If indeed you think Im being 'a drama llama' about lunch or my lumpectomy then let us hope you are correct & I have plenty more time with real friends'.

Not perfect, but it will do.
I don't expect to hear from him again. If I do I will ignore.
Thank you to everyone who replied, it's really helped me see I'm worth a kinder response than I got.

He's got a wife, a partner and you dangling. He hasn't got time as his life is complicated enough. He is a self absorbed dick. Look after yourself and surround yourself with caring and supportive friends. :))

I really can't understand why you're making such a huge effort for someone who only sees you as a possible addition to his harem. He's a self involved prick and has been for your whole relationship.

Talk to your actual friends and hope everything goes well.

"I really can't understand why you're making such a huge effort for someone who only sees you as a possible addition to his harem. He's a self involved prick and has been for your whole relationship"

I think because I was so clear with him I expected him to be clear too?

But what IS clear now is that he is not a 'friend' worth having.

What a massive cunt. You really don't need him in your life. Hope everything goes OK for you health wise OP

He's a piece of shit. He's cheating on his wife and has you dangling as well.

You have far more important things to worry about than this absolute waste of skin. Block him and concentrate on yourself

It's Thursday

Hope it's going well