If you told a friend of 30 yrs standing you were ill would you expect a reply?

[52andblue]

I am having investigations for breast issues.
A biopsy was done and they have decided to remove a small lump and a margin of tissue around it.
I am trying not to worry but this has been a bit drawn out since Feb (covid), I'm a single parent to two kids with SN so I can't afford to be ill. I had a good friend die of breast cancer within 8 weeks of dx 2 years ago. Not me, obvs but it was shocking and it's made me worry.

I knew my friend in question very well some years ago. We lost touch (no drama). We got back in touch 5 years ago and they said it meant the world to them as I was 'the best friend they'd ever had'. I guess you'd call it love bombing (they had been a boyfriend back then) but it's settled down into a good friendship, or so I thought.

They knew I was going for a biopsy but didn't ask. I then emailed to say I have to have a small lump removed. I'd also suggested Lunch (first) as we've not met for ages and it would be lovely to see them.
No reply. I sent the email again as I've had trouble with my emails so wasn't 100% sure it had gone properly. They said they'd phone at 6am (a typical time for them, and okay by me). No call. At 3pm I get this:

'Having re read your email I am still unclear about what the current position is. However I can see that it might be distressing and that you might be preparing for the worst. I admit to being somewhat skeptical of your 'this is your last chance to see me before I die' line. I think we each tend to see the other person as prone to drama llama behavior'.

At NO POINT did I say: 'last chance to see me' etc.
I feel really stunned.

Am I over reacting (I am a bit emotional atm)
It's not so much the wording but the lack of phone call / email 'not received' that is making me think my friend doesn't want to know about this. Fair enough perhaps.

He is not a friend.

Block. Delete. Move on.

I really hope that you have better friends than this to support you.

Best of luck with the procedure and the outcome.

What a Prick

Block and move on 🌸

Sorry about your illness

However I feel like there is a massive backstory here. It’s strange to get in touch with an old boyfriend after years drop a bomb about your illness. What were you expecting?

And why are you calling him “they”?

This is no friendship.

I hope all goes well with your results.

Are you still in regular contact and is this a genuine friendship? If yes then I can understand your hurt over this. Could it be that he sees you as an ex and he's moved on and just don't care as much as you think he does?

I would message back 'OMG, you are a dick!' and not waste any more time on him.

Sounds like he read your email through a very different lens.

What was your wording in your message?

If it really couldn't be misinterpreted the way he has done, then you're best off out of it. God knows what else he'll say and do.

@AnaViaSalamanca
He got in touch with me nearly 5 years ago.
He did quite a bit of romantic 'do you remember when' stuff about when we'd been together many years ago. He is in a relationship and I was just leaving one and so I made it clear I only wanted to be friends.
I only emailed him about my health 'issue' last week.
'they' is a typo.

Yes, it's a regular friendship. We speak twice a week probs. Send emails etc. Lunch 4/5 times a year usually (live quite a long way away)

I'll check my wording that I sent.

Sounds like he's not worth your headspace to be honest! Shown his true colours so move on

He’s an ex boyfriend who got in touch out of the blue 5 years ago to start a friendship with you whilst he’s in a relationship? Sorry but he’s not going to offer you the friendship or support you need.

He's probably annoyed you're ruining his memory of your breasts with all this talk of lumps.

I think he probably got in touch as he was bored or somewhat unhappy in his relationship. And he was looking around. Or looking for escape. If not in real terms, then at least as a fantasy.
If you were open to it - it’s have been an affair. But he had to settle for ‘friendship’, which is what you think it is.
Does his partner even know you two are talking weekly?

And so - no - he doesn’t really want to hear about your health issues. Partially it’s because he isn’t in ‘this-whatever-it-is’ in order to give you support, he is in it for what it gives him.
And another part is, in my experience, most men are just not that great with these issues. Stereotypical as it may be.

Can you post your email here? I’m wondering if he’s misconstrued something you’ve written.

Or he could just be a prick.

Ooh sorry I thought you got in touch with him after five years. He’s clearly a scumbag. Block

Yeah it would help if you posted what you wrote. Obviously his reply is shitty either way though.

I'd just message back saying something along the lines of what you've said here

'No worries. But I think you've muddled my email up with something else as at no point did I say 'last chance to see me before I die'. Hope all well with you'

And then leave it for a bit.

Also, on days when Big Stuff (like this excision) is happening, he's shown he's clearly not the person to rely on. Seek support from better friends.

And - when is the excision? I hope it goes well, and the wait for results is not too long.

He'd suggested lunch.
I'd said I can do Weds but not Thurs. He'd said Thurs more convenient. I said No, sorry really can't do Thurs. he asked why.
I'd said medical thing. He asked what. I said:
"Breast clinic. I tried to tell to you a few weeks back but we've both been a bit tied up. You remember I'd been for a biopsy in my right breast? well they decided to do a lumpectomy and I've got to go on Thurs to see if they got it all out'. So he knew this bit about me gong for the biopsy from back in Feb but never enquired afterwards. I didn't say more about it as it wasnt clear if any more would come of it at that point, we were both quite busy and he isn't always the most sympathetic to the woes of others. So I guess I shouldn't be surprised but to claim that I was trying to claim 'this is your last chance to see me before I die' struck me as really quite nasty.

But as I say I'm a bit emotional atm so wasn't sure of my instincts.

I should clarify a bit about his partner. He is married but has a 'partner' too (don't ask!). I didn't want to be potentially lined up as yet another of his dalliances when he called me 5 years back so said so very bluntly when he explained his situation. He accepted that and we've been long distance friends who chat quite often and meet periodically since.

(((HUG)))

Don't bother looking at your wording. No matter what you said he's not being a friend at all. The ONLY thing he needed to focus on was your worrying news. That's it.

I hope you get it sorted soon and it's 'nothing' 💐

I really hope your news on Thursday is good. 🍀
I would be tempted to mail back that he misunderstood, it wasn't his last chance to see you before you die, just his last chance full stop.
Then block.
But it might be more sensible to just block.
He's a cunt.
I have metastatic breast cancer, when I was first diagnosed people I barely knew made contact with me to send best wishes, had masses said for me, some(surprisingly) offered to get me weed if I needed it for symptom management.
I really hope you have other decent friends and even if your results are good I'd highly recommend counseling from a cancer charity to help process what you've been through.
Take care

Ignore him!!

What an absolutely toxic prick. Just the most bizarre and hateful reply.

Block him. He no longer deserves any space in your life at all.

Good health to you

that op is not a friend . i think you need to just delete all the contacts you have for him and ignore any messages you get

Are you sure the reply actually came from him. Does it come across as his typical way of writing/saying something. It may well be that his partner/wife has found out about your rekindled friendship and has put a stop to it. They found out, he told her he was just being a supportive shoulder to cry on, she's taken that as you trying to relive the past and has sent the message without his knowledge or has constructed it and he has gone along with it etc hence the oddness of the reply.

Either way, he doesn't sound particularly supportive given that he doesn't appear to have checked in on you previously. He comes across as quite self-centred and someone who just likes to have their ego stroked. Steer well clear.

This person isn’t a friend not a chance. Either that or he doesn’t know how to take your news. Did he know your other good friend that passed? When I got ill some of my friends didn’t know how to take it and that’s understandable but him acting gormless isn’t ok. I hope it’s good news for you.