Anyone else got a DM like this and how to handle

[Flowerfairy101]

I shall start by saying I love DM very much and she has been a constant source of help and support to me in my adult life, but her anxiety is driving me mad. She has always been incredibly anxious and risk averse, if she is anxious she gets shouty and will try to control situations so that the source of her anxiety is eliminated. Example being she tried to discourage me from buying a car with a larger engine because she thinks I'd be more likely to crash, discouraging me from buying a house in case the housing market crashes, telling me I should adopt rather than have a child biologically because child birth is risky. I can't swim, didn't go on any school trips, never been on fairground/theme park rides, that sort of thing.

Naturally this has affected the person I've grown into, I spent a long time being totally risk averse and saying no to a lot of opportunities but I'm trying to manage my anxiety and involve myself in life more, which has been really good for me. My mums anxiety has always made me feel like she doesn't have any faith in me to make good decisions myself as she's always checking I've considered the most basic stuff and I have low self esteem and don't trust my own judgement. If I ever try and address the impact of her anxiety on me, she rants at me that she isn't in the mood for this , that I'm being silly and basically tells me I don't feel the way that I do. It might sound like minor stuff but it is a constant drip drip drip of negativity and doom.

I have a 9 month old DD who has now become the target of DM anxiety. Its built up over time to a point where I'm starting to feel really anxious about DD myself and if I'm going to see DM will be thinking what to dress her in/take to feed her that won't attract any negative comments. Examples are, asking me if I've checked DDs food is cool enough, is the car seat I've bought safety marked , don't I think DD should have a coat on (12 degrees outside, im in a T shirt), doesn't she need her nappy changing (no, I've just done it), she's worried the straps on her high chair are too tight and if she choked she couldn't lean forward, and on and on. DD is cruising now and has had some tumbles, if I mention this to DM she questions why I'm not watching her (I am as much as I can but short of not letting her pull herself up, I can't avert every slip). Every comment made I justify myself as in the brackets, or if say, she questions whether DD should have a certain toy and I say "its fine mum" she will bring it up again more insistently or just remove the toy herself. I feel like the situation is getting worse and worse the more time we spend with her. If I tell her a nice thing me and DD have done, trying to get some positive reinforcement,
she will either point out the risks or point out something else I should be doing, eg. Told her I'm singing lots to DD, she tells me I should be talking to her as well or she won't learn to talk (obviously I do talk to her too!) I've nicely asked her to back off a bit, leave the worrying to me, enjoy spending time with DD as her grandparent etc and then when that didn't work told her its making me feel like a shit inadequate mum (I struggled hugely with PND and feeling a lack of a bond with DD which she is well aware of) but she just brushes it off or huffs off with a " well don't see me then " or "its just how I am".

I don't want to stop seeing her but I really can't carry on with it how it is. I dont want another 18 years parenting under her watchful critical gaze. Eventually its going to start affecting DD too. Hqs anyone else got a DM like this and what do you do? I try to brush it off but as above, she just carries on with her agenda. I can't see what else I can do but go LC which is sad for all of us.

@AttilaTheMeerkat

flowerfairy

You may not want to think she does this to upset you but she is and she does. She does this because she can and she has learnt that this works for her. She does not care how you feel about it; she's already said to you, "this is how I am" as her get out clause. Its not your fault she is like this; you did not make her that way. Chances are her own parents treated her the self same as you were and are now. Its no excuse and you were not put on this earth to be someone else's emotional punchbag or dumping ground for all their inherent ills.

You are correct; this from your mother is not normal behaviour nor is it conducive to having any sort of functional relationship with. You would not tolerate this from a friend and your mother is no different. Stop with trying to brush it off; it does not work and it gets you nowhere. Do not JADE your mother; i.e justify, argue, defend or explain your decisions. Instead further reduce all levels of contact with her as of now and keep your child well away from her because she will harm your child in not too dissimilar ways as to how you've been harmed. If a parent or relative is too toxic/difficult or otherwise too batshit for YOU to deal with, its the SAME deal for your child too.

Address your fear, obligation and guilt re your mother through counselling and also consider posting on the current "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these Relationships pages. Your FOG may well be as to why you want to continue to see her at all. You may also want to read "If you had controlling parents" by Dan Neuharth.

You do not mention your dad here; is he in your life now?.

This is great advice.

My mum is similar.

I tell her things on a 'need to know' basis
Am choosy about what she sees of my life on social media
Won't open messages from her when I'm doing something for me that I know will press her actions.

I had a few sessions of transactional analysis a while back and found that hugely helpful.

My mother is like this, on a smaller scale.

I deal with it by minimal contact, tbh. Fortunately it didn't undermine my sense of competence, perhaps because my dad was there as contrast. It just pissed me off, damaged our relationship and caused me to stop telling her things very early.

I think the only answers are distance, low contact, and boundaries, as PP have suggested. And try to accept that she will never agree with you or accept that her behaviour is unacceptable. I know the seductive pull of trying to Make Her See is almost irresistible. She loves you, right? She doesn't want to hurt you, so if you can just explain right, she will stop. But her whole illness, her whole self now in many ways, is based on her being right and needing to do this for herself. That comes before you. It's that hard and real, I'm afraid. There is no form of words on earth that will get through to her. The only thing you can do is control your behaviour, and give hers real consequences. And protect your DD.

I think she’s more narc than anxious. Telling you not to mess with your hair, to put a coat on your dd etc, is far more about her controlling you than being genuinely concerned about these issues. I think telling her every single time that you’ll be doing the opposite might work. My mum is similar, refusing to let me do certain things as a child, so of course I went and did them as an adult.

You can tell her on the spot that you don’t believe there to be a problem when she raises something, or simply crack on and do your own thing. Clearly she doesn’t take well to be told no and to have not yet learnt that you won’t simply do as she asks demonstrates that she wants to control you. I’ve had some moments with my mum where she repeatedly tells me to do something her way and I’m afraid I will dismiss her controlling ways by sighing and being less than patient, but she has learnt to stop trying to control me and I feel a lot freer.

Challenging her will not get her to stop. Your assumption in challenging her is that she doesn't mean to do it - if only she knew the impact on you, she would see reason and stop.

She is doing it deliberately and is fully aware of her actions. She does it because it benefits her. Some part of her is made to feel good by behaving in this way. So her response to being challenged is to deny everything, because she knows what she is doing and she does not benefit her to stop.

I know this is probably hard to come to terms with. As the child of an abusive parent I** am all too aware that in a world where we are raised to believe our parents have our best interests at heart, sometimes that actually just isn't the case. It is a horrible thing to realise.

She is not going to change. The only way to deal with this is by minimising your exposure to it.

Correction - "it does not benefit her to stop"