Hello
We do I start.
I have been with my partner for the past 20 years and most of the time things have been good. We have 2 lovely children and own our home, we are not rich, but we are not poor, everything is good (or was so I believed).
Over the past couple of months my partner has been distant, on here phone all the time and silly, but true, walking the dog for 2 hours at a time every evening. It felt like something was wrong and after asking her many times she tried to say it was me and I was looking into things too much. But I could see she was getting distant, not only in the day to day stuff, but in the bedroom too.
I spoke to her at the weekend after she had a bottle of wine thinking she would open up to me. To start it was a very close case and she was adamant she hadn’t got someone else. I asked three times and she said there was no one else. I asked her then to swear on our family (which is wrong I know) but I know she would do that unless it was true. Then she said yes there was someone else and she had slept with him also. What’s worse is that the man in question is our sons friends dad, who recently split up from his wife because his wife cheated on him (ironic).
My whole world come tumbling down around me in that short space of time. We continued to talk and more and more come to light. She originally said she had feelings for him and has told him that she loves him. She also said she had only slept with him once and that we 3 weeks ago. I’m 41 and she is 40 and I have found out that she is meeting a guy slightly younger in a car in a local car park (this is not where she slept with him by the way, or at least that what she’s telling me. Not that it matters) This was all happening when I thought she was out walking the dog. She would meet him nightly and then come home to me and our kids like nothing had happened. She says she felt guilty, but obviously not enough to put a stop to it. I asked how long it’s been going on and she said 8 weeks or so. I asked did she love him and has she told him and she said yes.
After speaking to her for many hours its sounded like she was telling me that we were splitting up. I threatened to tell my children what she had done, I know that’s wrong, but I did actually tell our 18 year old daughter. She was discussed with my partner and said she wanted nothing to do with her. Shortly after this my partner said to me that she didn’t want us to split and wanted us to work things out. She seems really sincere, she is full of guilt, so apologetic and full of remorse. After speaking with my partner she says she understands she has made a massive mistake and has done wrong.
The thing I can’t get over is that she slept with the guy early on. She said she felt guilty about sleeping with him, but she carried on meeting him in a car park when taking the dog and let her feelings grow. If it was a mistake why not put a stop to it. Instead she carried on meeting him nightly for another 6 weeks.
If she felt that guilty she would have stopped straight after she slept with him. But instead she carried on seeing him night after night. I even said to her, if you hadn’t have told me you would have been meeting him this week also. I feel she told me because I pushed her into a corner not wanting to come clean.
She is saying she made a mistake and wants us to try again. For us as well as the kids. She seems truly sorry and genuine and I do after all this believe that she does mean what she says. She sent the guy a text saying that she wanted to give things another go with me and that they shouldn’t contact any more. He text back saying “Ok if that’s what you really want”. They had this pact that she admitted, he wouldn’t text her unless she text him first. That way the coast was clear and I or the kids wouldn’t be around. She has been honest about all this even though she knows it will hurt me deeply. She deleted her accounts on Instagram, Snapchat etc which was what she use to text him on. She also blocked him on Whatsapp. But on Monday he then tried calling her when she was at work knowing I wouldn’t be around. Once again my partner was honest and told me this. She also said she didn’t answer because she wanted us to work and promised she wouldn’t. She didn’t have to tell me.
We have been talking overnight and she has told me that she loves me and what she feels for me and what she feels for him is different. She loves and wants me. Not him. It’s going to take a long time to get over my hurt, but I thought I need to try and get over this as I don’t want to lose her as I love her with all my heart. It’s hard, but I need to try. I said to her tonight that may be, she needs to send him one last text and tell him it’s over and to stop contacting her as he has been trying to make contact. She said no leave it, he knows and she doesn’t need to tell him again. This morning she felt so loving and was texting and asking if I was ok. Then all of a sudden out the blue she said, should she text him one last time to once again say its over and to stop contact. That’s sent me back to the start. Why is she thinking about him or his feelings. She didn’t think I dissevered an explanation when she was sleeping behind my back and meeting him each night. Why is she thinking that she should be contacting him one last time. I’m just glad she is being honest with me and not just doing it anyway. She said she doesn’t want it to be arkward if she bumps in to him.
Is that the real reason or is she pinning for him and because she hasn’t spoken to him in a number of days she really wants to make contact. My mind is all over the place and just don’t know what’s real any more.
I’m hurt, im sad and I’m missing the person I love more than anything else in the world. I just don’t know what to do.
Am I doing the right thing? Should I be giving her a second chance ( I really want to as I love her ) but am I stupid for doing so. Even though she says she has feelings for him, but doesn’t want to be with him she wants me, is that true? Or by her wanting to make contact, is that a sign that she can’t leave him alone?
She did say one thing that made sense which was “if she really wanted him and wanted to leave wouldn’t now be the perfect time to do it because of all the mess we are going through now.
She said she doesn’t want us to split she will do whatever she needs to do to gain my trust again and she understand it will take time. She could leave right now but she wants to stay. Am I being silly letting her stay and thinking I am the one she wants because I want to believe it so much or should after all the above, should I be cutting ties once and for all. By the way I know people stay for the sake of the children, but I want to save what we have for me and my partner as well as our children.
I’m sorry I have rambled but any advice would be much appreciated