Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do you know if your FWB has feelings for you?

60 replies

pindrop · 25/05/2021 09:00

I'm confused about how he feels. I've already asked him and he says he doesn't want a relationship with me but he sends mixed signals.

Negatives are: he pines for and misses his ex and talks to me about her a lot saying he still loves her, he doesn't take me out on dates, he is not affectionate with me physically and pulls away if I try and hug, kiss or hold his hand, he says he doesn't want a relationship with me and if I push for one he says we should stop seeing each other.

Reasons for hope: he wants to spend a lot of time with me, not just sex but doing things together during the day, he's very kind to me and looks after me if I need it, if I walk away he will text to ask if I feel like doing something, he misses me when I am gone, he gets jealous if I start seeing someone else, he's happy for me to sleepover even if we are not having sex.

Does anyone think maybe he has feelings for me and just needs time, or is this a dead end?

OP posts:
BinocularVision · 25/05/2021 10:20

@pindrop

Thank you, I was confused because FWB would usually be a call to have sex, whereas in some ways he treats me as a girlfriend. For example I sleep at his place 4 / 5 nights a week and only 1 of those includes sex and we spend weekends together doing things like a couple. It seemed to me to not fully fit with FWB. Also he can't seem to stop seeing me, and if I try and do that (because I say I want more) he wants to see me and messages to ask if I want to do something. I thought maybe he feels more than he is admitting to himself.
OP, cop on. You should not be sleeping at a FWB’s house 4/5 nights a week, and spending the weekend doing things with him. When are you going to meet someone who actually wants a relationship with you? When do you see your friends and do your own thing? You’re letting yourself be treated like ‘the girlfriend’ experience because you’ve developed feelings and he’s lonely and hung up on his ex. You need way better boundaries!
cookiecreampie · 25/05/2021 10:29

He's using you for all the good things you can provide for him like sex and company, but he's not willing to commit to you. I think if he could have his ex back or met someone else he'd drop you like a rock.

AramintaLee · 25/05/2021 10:31

This might sound harsh - and I'm only saying this because I've been in this situation - you're just filling a spot until someone he wants to be in a relationship with comes along. Then he will drop you.

I don't doubt he enjoys your company and likes having someone take on the girlfriend role (but without the label/commitment)

It's not that complicated. If he wanted to be in a relationship with you, he would be. Sorry OP. I've been there and it sucks.

LindaEllen · 25/05/2021 10:31

It sounds to me he is behaving perfectly in line with what 'FWB' means. He's your friend so of course he likes spending time with you, but also enjoys the 'benefits'. I have loads of friends who I like spending time with, but I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with them.

I think he's been honest about what he wants, and you're holding out hope that just isn't there, unfortunately.

It's best to end things in this situation, as it's you who'll end up getting hurt.

TeeBee · 25/05/2021 10:37

He just wants a warm body and you're giving him that. If you want a relationship, look for someone who wants the same. He's being crystal clear with you, you can't blame him for this situation. You're just seeing what you want to see.

Opentooffers · 25/05/2021 11:11

It is pointless to try to have a relationship with a fwb who consistently denies there is anything more than that. You should give this up, and if anyone says they just want to be fwb, don't go there, because it's clear that this is not what you want. If you were fine with the situation, you would be seeing him about once a week, then seeing others at other times, or at least get busy with other friends and doing your own thing the rest of the week.
It sounds like you have just let him dictate everything, just because he's willing to have you there 4/5 nights a week, doesn't mean you should go to him. If he invites you to do stuff at the weekend, you don't have to say yes.

Umberellatheweatha · 25/05/2021 11:21

I've found often men who seek our 'fwb' actually want you to fall in love with them without them having to feel similar. They con you into developing feelings for them by ACTING really into you. Even though they say they dobt want a relationship, they may act loving/clingy or generally push and pull.

It's a trap. And a trick.
People who care about you dont fuck with your feelings. And if I realise a fwb is developing feelings for me, I call things off. Because that's not what I want. You know who dont call things off in that scenario - dickhead who want you to idolise them.

He does not like you. He just wants to be put one pedestal by you whilst he is also free to see other people.

But also op you need to have some respect for yourself and set boundaries for yourself and how you let others treat you. You dont want a fwb relationship, you just want a relationship. He does not. So pick up your self respect and end it. Time to put your big girl pants on and be a grown up. stop chasing after a mans dregs.

MrsMaizel · 25/05/2021 11:26

@Umberellatheweatha

I've found often men who seek our 'fwb' actually want you to fall in love with them without them having to feel similar. They con you into developing feelings for them by ACTING really into you. Even though they say they dobt want a relationship, they may act loving/clingy or generally push and pull.

It's a trap. And a trick.
People who care about you dont fuck with your feelings. And if I realise a fwb is developing feelings for me, I call things off. Because that's not what I want. You know who dont call things off in that scenario - dickhead who want you to idolise them.

He does not like you. He just wants to be put one pedestal by you whilst he is also free to see other people.

But also op you need to have some respect for yourself and set boundaries for yourself and how you let others treat you. You dont want a fwb relationship, you just want a relationship. He does not. So pick up your self respect and end it. Time to put your big girl pants on and be a grown up. stop chasing after a mans dregs.

I've found often men who seek our 'fwb' actually want you to fall in love with them without them having to feel similar. They con you into developing feelings for them by ACTING really into you. Even though they say they dobt want a relationship, they may act loving/clingy or generally push and pull

Agree . They are very clever at this . They use loving words and all the texting is to try to be constantly in your mind so you don't go off with someone else .

Sakurami · 25/05/2021 11:28

My friend had a fwb for 4 years. They had sex, spent a lot of time together as friends, cared about each other but he was adamant that they weren't in a relationship. They weren't officially boyfriend and girlfriend. And as soon as he met someone he did want to have a relationship with, he went out with her, got engaged, and is now married with 2 kids.

Meanwhile my friend lost her last chance to be a mother as well as had her heart broken because she loved him and wanted to be with him.

Amdone123 · 25/05/2021 11:34

Imagine tomorrow and his ex wants him back and as per pp's post, off he trots into the sunset, leaving you heartbroken, confused and full of regret.
Because that could so easily happen.

valnevavaxx · 25/05/2021 11:38

I've been in a similar situation to this OP- the fact is we were friends before so hung out a lot, then when we started sleeping together we continued to hang out as much even though it wasn't all sex. We were still friends, but we had benefits too.

FWB only works if neither party wants more, which you clearly do. He has said in no uncertain terms that he doesn't want a relationship with you. Cut your losses and go.

GentlemanJay · 25/05/2021 12:12

@Alternista

I’m sorry (and I really am!) but I think it’s you that’s changed rather than him- he seems pretty solidly FWB for me, whereas you’ve started wanting more. I think you need to be honest with yourself about whether you can deal with that or not x
I agree with this.

I've had two amazing FWBs relationships. When you are both on the same page it's great. The friends part is very important to me. Far more than the sex.

It sounds like you want move to he relationship on and he doesn't.

It is possible to be really fond of someone without being in love with them. My last FWB announced after two and a half years she was going to make a go of things with a new guy she met. I wished her all the best. She had to explore the possibility of it working.

She did ring me back up six weeks later when it came to an end lol.

GentlemanJay · 25/05/2021 12:14

@pindrop

Thank you, I was confused because FWB would usually be a call to have sex, whereas in some ways he treats me as a girlfriend. For example I sleep at his place 4 / 5 nights a week and only 1 of those includes sex and we spend weekends together doing things like a couple. It seemed to me to not fully fit with FWB. Also he can't seem to stop seeing me, and if I try and do that (because I say I want more) he wants to see me and messages to ask if I want to do something. I thought maybe he feels more than he is admitting to himself.
How you describe this relationship. 5 nights a week with someone is not a FWBs. Sounds like he's lonely and needs you as a crutch.
litterbird · 25/05/2021 12:18

You are a rebound. He is just surfing life with you until the woman he wants to be with turns up. I would dump quickly before you get really hurt and move on.

Sacredspace · 25/05/2021 12:32

Find the strength to tell him the current set up isn’t working for you and you are ending it to focus on meeting someone who is excited to have a relationship with you. Tell him that you won’t be replying to any further attempts to contact you. Then have absolutely no contact with him at all. I know that’s easier said than done. He may well change his mind when he has to live the reality of his life without you in it. This can’t happen whilst you’re still seeing him.

lonelySam · 25/05/2021 13:20

How old are you? Very clearly, he told you many times he didn't want the relationship with you. No matter what you tell yourself and how much you are trying to fool yourself in thinking he has feelings for you, he doesn't. It's not a relationship. He will drop you on the spot one day.

Mermaidwaves · 25/05/2021 13:22

I agree with everyone here, he's telling you clearly you are not his girlfriend which means he gets to enjoy your company and all the benefits of a relationship, whilst being free to sleep with whoever he wants, win win situation for him!

I had a situation like yours last year, hung up on the ex, wouldn't let me hug him, and I was convinced he liked me deep down but had issues so couldn't be with me. Guess what? He met another girl and is now in a full blown relationship with her, I was very promptly dumped as we weren't together. I was heartbroken and I still feel delicate about it now.

Listen to what he is telling you, he doesn't see you as his girlfriend you are just convenient to him. Having his cake and eating it.

TwinkleStar88 · 25/05/2021 13:56

I agree with @GentlemanJay, although I’ve never had a FWB, so I’m not sure what the expectations consist of but what you’re describing sounds like a relationship but without emotions involved.

Letthefunandgamesstart · 25/05/2021 14:02

I have had 2 FWB. The 1st one didn't start off that way - was meant to be a full on relationship but that is what he wanted - I got hurt but finished it because it was never going to be anything else for him. I am now in another one that started as FWB - someone I'd known for years - both single at the same time so things just went from there. We see one another every few weeks, never talk on the phone between meets but message every few days. He is adorable and I love him dearly as a friend, the sex is a bonus. For a FWB situation to work, you do need to be on the same page.

AnaViaSalamanca · 25/05/2021 14:08

I am genuinely perplexed why have you put yourself in this situation and why you don’t accept that no means no? He has told you multiple times OP.

BinocularVision · 25/05/2021 15:22

@Sakurami

My friend had a fwb for 4 years. They had sex, spent a lot of time together as friends, cared about each other but he was adamant that they weren't in a relationship. They weren't officially boyfriend and girlfriend. And as soon as he met someone he did want to have a relationship with, he went out with her, got engaged, and is now married with 2 kids.

Meanwhile my friend lost her last chance to be a mother as well as had her heart broken because she loved him and wanted to be with him.

But isn't that on her, @Sakurami? He sounds as if he was clear all along that it was only a casual relationship, and he didn't view them as a couple, but she chose to ignore that and wasted four years on a non-starter when she should have been looking for an actual relationship or having a child by herself.
KeyboardMash · 25/05/2021 15:33

He's definitely enjoying "the girlfriend experience" here, but without any commitment or pressure. And he's been perfectly clear that this is all you're getting. I think the problem is that you've gotten into a situation you've labelled FWB but you actually want a boyfriend, and now you're stuck trying to work out how to convert him. Definitely best to step away and find someone who's going to give you what you want. No amount of snuggly sleepovers with no sex are going to make him do that, no matter how confusing you find it.

Redglitter · 25/05/2021 15:39

But then I don't really buy into the FWB thing

It can work really really well but you both have to be on the same page.

Wondergirl100 · 25/05/2021 15:51

He's using you for company - letting you sleep over and not having sex is just a different way of 'using' you as a FWB. Its just a different benefit.

You are looking for crumbs from his table - if he had any respect for you knowing you have feelings for him he would not talk about his ex or even hang out with you.

If you want to know how he feels - walk away and tell him it's a relationship or nothing. If he comes after you and commits you know he cares. If you let him use you like this you will never know and your life will drip away with you waiting on him. (I've been there I know)

The fact he pulls away when you try to be affectionate is awful please stop wasting your time with this man.

Wondergirl100 · 25/05/2021 15:52

when he messages you - he isn't promising commitment is he? He is just ensuring you don't walk away.

Set boundaries properly and you will find out exactly how he feels.

Swipe left for the next trending thread