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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband called me fat

41 replies

mummybear2918 · 24/05/2021 15:56

My husband and I got into a massive argument (nothing new) but during this argument he call me fat and this ripped my heart out. I'm busy mum to an 2.5 year old and a 11 month old. I know ove gained weight but it was so nasty how he said it and when comforted he said I am fat wasn't something in the heat of the moment and said he doesn't care he called me fat. Now I'm never going to want him to touch me or even see me naked. Those words and completely defeated me. It the worse thing you could call me.

no nasty comments very vulnerable at the minute

OP posts:
wildeverose · 24/05/2021 16:02

This is really difficult. The way he's said this is cruel, however do you think he's trying to shock you into losing weight and is genuinely concerned? We obviously don't know what the relationship is like usually and whether this is out of character for him. Is he concerned for your health or just being a dick?

AwayWithYou · 24/05/2021 16:03

Your weight has not changed from before or after he said those words. You have very young babies and it be extremely unhealthy for you to be skinny. It is him who is unattractive by virtue of his attitude, not you.

It does serve him right if he doesn’t get your affection or care until he’s made amends and made you feel as good as he previously made you feel bad. Twat.

AwayWithYou · 24/05/2021 16:04

Being concerned for someone’s health does not excuse calling your DW “fat”!

nimbuscloud · 24/05/2021 16:06

I saw your other thread about him.
You have to leave him. He’s a violent abusive man.
Have you family you can speak to?
Women’s Aid will support you too.

Original poster
mummybear2918 · 24/05/2021 16:07

If I'm honest the marriage isn't the greatest fighting all the time and we do fight alot but this is the first he called me fat.
Definitely being a dick cause would have reassured me I was fine and like me as I was. I'm a size 14/16 so I'm not exactly massive

OP posts:
OnlyFoolsnMothers · 24/05/2021 16:07

He’s a wanker, men don’t carry babies, few men stay home and are driven to despair by young children so his comment is a twat of a comment.

Original poster
mummybear2918 · 24/05/2021 16:09

How am I ever going to want to be near him i slept in pjs last night I was so paranoid

OP posts:
SourLemons · 24/05/2021 16:09

He's a disgusting pig and not a catch! He's bringing you down because you're beautiful and he's a jealous prick! So what if you've put on a bit of weight, being 'fat' doesn't make you less than or unattractive... his personality however is vile!

Please LTB if he's abusive, life's too short to put up with pricks like him

SourLemons · 24/05/2021 16:10

@mummybear2918

How am I ever going to want to be near him i slept in pjs last night I was so paranoid
That's what he wants, to tear your confidence down. Size 14/16 is not fat at all! Fuck him, show off your body and be proud of it!
Peace43 · 24/05/2021 16:10

What a git! I am a bit plump and my OH is obese. I’d never ever call him fat and I’d be gutted if he called me fat.

What a cruel thing for him to say. I’d struggle to forgive that comment!

Ju11tne · 24/05/2021 16:11

Personal experience here. When any man makes remarks about your weight they mean it.

He thought it before hand... hence why it rolled off his tongue in the heat of the moment!

Sorry OP.

AlmostSummer21 · 24/05/2021 16:11

@wildeverose. Let me help you out here. He's just being a dick.
She's had 2 babies in quick succession, HIS babies.

Even if she hadn't, calling someone fat in an argument isn't coming from a place of concern.

@mummybear2918. He's nasty. you've carried his two babies and your youngest is still under 1.

I'm sorry he's hurt you like this.

You say arguing isn't unusual. That's not uncommon with two very young children, but it's also not something you just have to put up with either.

The fact he's not even sorry now he's calmed down speaks volumes really doesn't it.

You really need to think whether you even want to try to make your marriage work anymore & even if you do want to, is it really feasible?

I know it's not what you plan when you get married, but you don't have to stay with him if you're not happy and 'staying for the children' really doesn't work. If you were to split up now it would soon become the norm for your toddler & your baby will know no different.

Big hugs x

Original poster
mummybear2918 · 24/05/2021 16:12

I really am struggling on top of 100s of other things going on and that have went on

OP posts:
wildeverose · 24/05/2021 16:12

God I absolutely wasn't saying it's ok to call you fat by the way! I just read my post back - I meant was he trying to help and being crap like men can be. But no, he's just a wanker. Sack him off, you can do a hell of a lot better.

wildeverose · 24/05/2021 16:13

I'm so sorry I worded that so badly - am mortified. I hope you're ok op Thanks

bananapumpkin · 24/05/2021 16:13

Wish I could give you a hug!

Much easier said than done, but try not to dwell on the word itself. In an argument people often choose words they know will sting. You may have gained weight but that doesn't make you unattractive.

Your husband is likely too stubborn to admit it, but he's probably feeling terrible for causing you pain and wouldn't have made the comment outside the heat of the argument. So try to separate the real issue - whatever started the argument - from the words used.

Original poster
mummybear2918 · 24/05/2021 16:18

I can honestly hand heart say he meant absolutely ebery word my husband isn't one for feeling bad or guilty etc

OP posts:
DaisyFeather · 24/05/2021 16:20

My STBXH has spent most of our relationship telling me this, even when I wasn’t (ie was a size 12 instead of the 6 when we met because I’d been ill.) It has worn down so much of my self worth and I don’t want that for you. I should have stayed gone the first time he told me with such venom that I was worthless because I was fat.

When fat is used as an insult rather than a factual
observation (ie self awareness) it never has a kind meaning behind it. It’s used as a weapon to make you feel worthless. I’ve never ever negatively judged another person on their size or looks because I think we’re all fabulous. But I look in the mirror now and feel like I’m looking at nothing.

Please consider your options. You deserve so much more than this. Your children deserve more.

bananapumpkin · 24/05/2021 16:27

@mummybear2918

I can honestly hand heart say he meant absolutely ebery word my husband isn't one for feeling bad or guilty etc
So sorry to hear that. You are a wonderful person Star I don't have any helpful practical advice, but you need to hear that because it's the truth!
Babygotblueyes · 24/05/2021 16:34

That is disgusting. It is one thing to disagree and fight about stuff. it is another to call names and pick the thing which the other person is most vulnerable about. Totally out of order, you don't deserve that. So sorry.

bigbeatmanifesto · 24/05/2021 16:42

I'd tell him he was a waste of space and leave what a horrible thing to say and do.
I hope your okay Thanks

seekingadvice23 · 24/05/2021 16:45

I've seen your other posts and it's clear that he will never change, you know that. Your children are getting older and witness his behaviour, you need to leave and put your kids and yourself first.

CombatBarbie · 24/05/2021 16:46

That is a shitty thing to say whether it's true or not. Sex would be off the table for me for a start.

Umberellatheweatha · 24/05/2021 16:51

'How am I ever going to sleep with him again'

After how nasty he is being, why are you still concerned with how you are going to just roll over and accept it? You should be asking 'how is he going to make things right again?'.

It isnt up to you to find a way to forgive someone who basically, hates you.

It is however, up to you to find a way to get away from people who treat you like shit.

sallievp · 24/05/2021 16:53

No one who loves you or even likes you would say that to you in the way he did. you deserve a lot better.