Forgiving an emotional affair

[broken99]

Has anyone done this?

The brief version is, the relationship isn't really romantic, but my BF became very attached to a woman who was infatuated with him and spent a lot of time with her behind my back without telling me.

He was isolating away from me as a key worker (as was she) and over many months she sort of met his needs when I wasn't around :( He says nothing was wrong with our relationship, I meet all his needs but apparently I wasn't there and he was lonely!!!

No sex happened
No kissing or anything
No romantic exchanges

I know all this is the truth as I have properly checked into it and also spoken to the woman and got both sides of the story. It's not helpful if people comment that I am getting an edited version of the truth, as I am 100% sure I have the full truth as I made bloody sure I did.

I realise this sounds like possibly just a friendship but it wasn't (at least from her side). They spent a lot of time spent together, doing inappropriate things like having dinner alone together at her house and it included deep, emotional attachment. She says she had fallen in love with him.

His version is he thought they were friends and didn't realise how inappropriate it was or that she was interested in him romantically. Her version is that she made it clear she was interested in him romantically and although she admits he rebuffed her advances and told her he loved me and wasn't interested in a relationship with her, he continued to cook her lunch and ask her over for coffee or to watch a film and so on.

I can't fathom how he thought it was okay to do that, but obviously he knew it wasn't okay as he never mentioned her to me and I found out when I noticed this woman tagging him on Facebook.

The worst part, is that he got very close to her and got very sad when he had to stop seeing her. That is the part which has broken me, because maybe I could wrap my head around isolation causing a friendship to get close in circumstances it otherwise would not have, but he seems to be having withdrawal from her :(

He says he loves me completely and has no romantic feelings for her but she was giving him "emotional fulfillment" (eg: he enjoyed being loved by her). He says he wants to work things out with me and he is willing to do anything (he has done everything I have asked) but I can't get over how bad I feel inside that he formed an emotional connection to another woman.

Has anyone ever gotten through this before? I feel like the relationship is soiled, ruined and I am no longer special and unique in his eyes and he says this is not reality and that he was never in love with her but was just enjoying what she was giving and had never really had close female friends before.

I spoke to the woman, and she is actually very nice, I can see why he liked her. She's clever and funny and a good conversationalist and she even made ME feel like she was emotionally supporting me :( She assured me that it's me he loves and she was just filling a gap. I just can't understand why he is missing her if he loves me. I feel sad, depressed, angry, confused and have no idea what to do.

Bin him. You are worth more.

Do you actually believe nothing physical happened? Oh dear. Time to get angry I think!

No matter what answers you get, look at what your user name is, that is very telling. I'm so sorry you're in this position, it's horrible

I did ask that no one please make these unhelpful comments that they had sex. I know for absolute certain nothing physical happened. I checked in many ways and am certain.

What he's done and what I am going through is terrible enough all on it's own without any sex. Sex would be far easier to get over than feeling like he has emotional needs from this other woman.

Whether they had sex or not, IMO, is irrelevant. The trust you had with him is gone.

I'm asking this gently, what would you like from the thread?

Sorry, you can't know for certain unless you were there. He'll tell you anything he thinks you want to hear.

Why are you accepting his feeble 'I wuv yous'? He involved another person in your relationship. Why do you feel you deserve to be treated as second best?

@Orgasmagorical I am hoping for advice from those who have been through the same and either left / stayed as well as feedback from people who have had emotional affairs who could talk to me about why he is feeling like he misses this woman. Basically, helpful, practical feedback.

Not nonsense like "he had sex with her" when I know for absolute certain he did not. Maybe it's not relevant, but I think it is, because the nature of the relationship is relevant to me. Had he had an emotional and sexual connection with another woman it would definitely be over. In this case, it seems to be more her meeting some kind of emotional needs.

Hi OP, not every emotional affair leads to sex so I can believe he didn't want to cross the threshhold of physical intimacy but enjoyed the attention and love she bestowed on him.

I had this with my ex. Except she was a long standing 'friend' and I know they never got physical (she is married, and I could tell he had no attraction to her). But she was extremely emotionally dependent on him, and they formed their own little bubble that excluded me and to an extent, her husband too. He would lie about when they met up or how much contact they had so I was ignorant for a long time, though my spidey senses did tingle. Towards the end he showed me the messages, and it was constant, every day contact (nothing sexy or physical), but a bit flirty and he invested far more in her emotionally than he did me. He had more contact with her than he ever did me.

I never understood it because he did make it clear to her that i was his gf and he wanted to be with me. But struggled to take any space from her. We did try to repair the relationship, but like your man, he would get sad at not hearing from her or seeing her a few days. And I too found that the hardest to bear - that he missed her so much, and being with me wasn't enough to stop him pining for her. She completely ignored me when we met, and their bubble could only exist if they pretended he was single. Looking back I think he liked the attention and the fact unlike his gf he could present a much better version of himself - one without the warts and flaws. That's why he'd never actually be with her, because that would spoil the image of himself he saw reflected in her. Who knows tbf, I never understood it.

I had to break up with him in the end, as it just felt like our entire relationship had been tainted. He never accepted it was inappropriate or an emotional affair, just kept repeating it was just a friendship right till the end. He had friends who told him the friendship was inappropriate, her friends commented on how emotionally codependent they seemed, and finally ever her husband intervened telling her she couldn't expect so much of him. None of that made him change his mind, he stayed adamant that because he wasn't attracted to her, it wasn't a problem. And if she was attracted to him, that was her problem.

I wasn't able to get over it, but maybe because they had known each longer than we had and she was part of his core social group. So he was never going to cut contact with her. I think if he is willing to cut contact with her, then give it a few months to see if he can stick by this and focus on you, or it seems he's distant and resentful at losing her. The trust has gone, so I don't know how you get that back.

Emotional affairs are terrible, especially when they deny they've done anything wrong. So unless you are madly in love with him, married or have DC together, you might feel better moving on. The 8 months I spent with my ex after finding out, trying to repair the relationship broke me completely and left me more insecure, anxious and unhappy than my divorce ever did. So the minute you feel yourself turning into that, walk away.

Thank you @wanadu2022 that's really helpful.

I think the reality is that my BF liked being fancied / wanted/ adored as he's not used to that. He isn't much of a ladies man and this woman is probably the only person I have ever seen fancy him. Horrible thing to say but I am just being honest.

I've read their messages, nothing even flirty, just as if you'd talk to your Mum or your sister or a mate at work. She flirted and put kisses and at times said she loved him and why could they not be together. He never responded in kind at all. His texts to her are nothing like his texts to me which are sweet and playful. I find the whole thing just weird.

The other thing which I find really upsetting, is that he says he only misses her when things are bad between us - even though it is his emotional affair with her that had MADE things bad with us. So he says he doesn't think of her at all when things are good, but when things are bad or we are arguing he says he misses how it used to feel when he would chat with her :(

It's just the worst feeling. I know he is just being honest with me but I feel, like you say, that he's tainted our relationship. He does know how bad it is what he did, and he keeps saying sorry and trying to do what he can in terms of remorse but it's awful.

The one thing I remember him telling me was that unlike a relationship, he could switch her off and ignore her when he wanted to, but he couldn't do that with me. So spending time with her was easier - as he didn't feel like he owed her anything. And it was an ego boost as he could swan in, help her, fix things, and she only ever looked at him in gratitude. Whereas with me, he also had to deal with me getting grumpy at him, or upset with him, and basically not having him up on the pedestal she did.

I pointed out that once you've had to deal with a man's snoring or clean the toilet bowl after he's done a poo you stop thinking the sun shines out their ass....I'm guessing this other woman doesn't see all those less attractive sides of him!

Personally, I would find it a lot easier to forgive a one night stand over an emotion affair.
Once emotions become involved, it becomes too messy. You'll always be wondering if he's thinking about her, talking to her etc. Emotional attachments are also much harder to rid yourself of. He'll miss what he had with her, and potentially seek that out with somebody else, somebody that isn't you.
I'm sorry for what you're going through. Only you know what is right for you, and your relationship but really think if you want to spend the rest of your time together wondering.

@wanadu2022 Hmm. He says that it was different with her because he has no feelings for her, so he could just sort of bask in the light of her adoration. He said it didn't feel like it does in a romance where you have to be on your best behavior or think about anything, he says it was just like hanging out with a very best friend (he has never had a best friend before).

I just googled "codependent friendship" and this sounds very much like what this was :( She always needed rescuing, he says it made him feel needed (she's a mess emotionally) and they are both a bit dysfunctional whereas I am generally really together and calm.

This other woman really hates him now. After she got over her infatuation she says she thinks he is a complete dick for hanging out with her, knowing she was in love with him, if he didn't have feelings for her.

Incidentally, until this happened, he didn't miss her. For the months she was pining after him he was fine and said he didn't think of her at all but as soon as she hated him and stopped chasing he went through this weird grief thing.

I’m 10 months in to trying to move on from something not quite the same but not too far off.
Texting between partner and an old friend which turned into inappropriate sexting, more from her but the fact he entertained it and welcomed the messages have completely destroyed us. There’s no trust left, I’m constantly paranoid and stressing that he’s talking to someone he shouldn’t be and even questioning things that were never an issue before. We’re very likely to break up as anytime we get a small step forward something pushes us ten steps back.

It’s soul destroying and has made me feel so inadequate as a partner that he felt it was okay to behave in that way and as a pp said I feel like the whole relationship is now tainted.

@peboh This is a really helpful reply and a lot of that is right. Although he says he would never have even spoken to her had he not been isolated away from me.

I know they're not in contact, as she and I have become friendly (I know this sounds mad but we got on well) and she says told her he couldn't have any contact with her because he needed to show me he was serious about loving me and she says he blocked her on everything after that.

She now really hates him as she thinks he strung her along (he did in a way!) and she has a new boyfriend she really likes a lot. I know me getting on with her sounds bizarre but I don't really blame her and she's a nice person to be fair.

@Harleyhut I am so sorry you are going through that :( I really identify with feeling inadequate. It makes you feel like the love you thought was so special is really not all that special

His version is he thought they were friends and didn't realise how inappropriate it was or that she was interested in him romantically.

I'm so sorry for what you are going through, OP! If the above is true, why did he feel the need to hide this relationship from you? Has he said anything about that? Because if I don't realise that something is inappropriate, I don't have a reason to hide it from my spouse. Right?

Also, with regards to the woman, I think there is some blame to be placed on someone who is actively pursuing someone who is obviously in a relationship. Just saying this as I don't think you should be so convinced that she is an "amazing" person that you get along with so nicely.

Just thinking out loud with some questions I have.

1. What do people think is the difference between a platonic attachment to someone emotionally and a romantic attachment to someone emotionally? I am trying hard to understand the difference as I have never felt a strong emotional attachment to someone I wasn't in love with so I find this hard to grasp.

2. Do you think with situations like these, that the best answers come over time to think, and leaving for a while is the best idea? He says if I leave he is afraid it will be the beginning of the end and that we have to keep communicating but I am so confused about how I feel

@KitBiscuit Exactly!!! He says it's because he thought I would be worried and he knew he didn't fancy her but liked being friends but I honestly don't believe him. Not that I think he is lying, but I think he is not being honest with himself when he says he doesn't know it was wrong because it obviously was.

I am not saying she is blameless, but I suppose she was friends with a guy who has a GF and she developed feelings and from her perspective after telling him about those feelings, he still wanted to hang out with her more or less every night so I agree that is a very mixed signal.

I know I'm going against the grain but I don't think this is that bad. He was clear he wasn't interested, she was the one laying it on. He stupidly thought they could just be really good friends and misses the friendship he naively hoped it could be when he's feeling down. I don't think you have any reason to feel inadequate - but I don't know why you'd want to be friends with her, she was trying it on with your husband knowing (I assume) that he was married!

Oh lovely, I think he is trying to convince himself (and you) that he has no feelings for her. I may be wrong but that is honestly what comes across from your posts.

As for needing some space, sod what he fears or wants, you do what YOU need to do. If it's space, then go without giving it a second thought. Now is not the time to be concerned about him and his feelings. You may well see things much clearly when you are away from him, without him being in your ears all the time. To be saying you need constant communication comes across a bit controlling as he knows you have every right to up and go (and may never come back!). Again, I truly am very sorry, this must be a very difficult time for you. Please out yourself first

@broken99

1. I find this concept confusing as well because I don't have a strong emotional attachment to any male friends as I do with someone I'm in love with. I like them, I hang out with them but I don't want to talk to them every day, see them multiple times a week and want to confide everything in them. In fact, I don't even do this with my closest gfs because I only have such intense emotional bandwidth for my relationship. But my ex like yours, seemed to think you can do both. To me though, it meant the emotional connection we shared wasn't special if he could have exactly that with another woman. There should be a delineation between friends and relationships that's more than sex/physical intimacy. I watched him do both and tbh it seemed like we both got 50:50 of his emotional headspace and for our relationship to progress that was never going to be enough. So I don't think having such intense emotional friendships is compatible with a long term relationship.

2. We tried this by taking space for a month. All that happened is the loneliness without me got too much and he got back in contact with her. I think the same would happen with yours, because he always turns to her when things are bad between you. What I would suggest instead is stay together but you need to start emotionally distancing yourself till he's earned back your trust. That way you can avoid some of the paranoia and anxiety that will inevitably follow you around. Detach, but stay in the relationship, if that makes sense. Because with space, you'll miss each other, get back and feel wonderful and enjoy each others company (because this was never the issue), but soon enough you'll start wondering who he's talking to, if he' s hiding anything etc - so don't think space can resolve trust issues sadly.

*PUT yourself first

@KitBiscuit this is exactly what I am worried about. I think he is answering my questions honestly, and he says he doesn't want to kiss her or hold her hand, has no feelings of infatuation, never fantasised about her romantically or sexually and those are the feelings he has for only me. He says she was just offering him emotional support and was fun to be with. I can't understand really at all and I am terrified he is in love with her

I wouldn't be too friendly with this woman if I were you, she would have quite happily got with him knowing you exist and probably still would if she was completely honest with you! She's no friend to you and I wouldn't trust a word either of them say. I don't know how you could trust him again and he's pathetic saying he needed emotional attention! Don't we all! He's nicely blaming you there implying he had to go elsewhere to get it. Drop them both you will be better off.

I know me getting on with her sounds bizarre but I don't really blame her and she's a nice person to be fair

You getting on with her and becoming her friend is the most dysfunctional thing about this imo op.

You have my sympathy and I know from experience how hard an EA is to get over. But this woman presumably knew he was in a relationship and still professed her love and now hates him...and she bitches about him to you?

It's weird on both your parts that you've become friends since the EA. Your motives are probably to keep picking at the scab of the infidelity - there's no way you can actually be getting anything positive from a relationship with the OW.

Her motives? Scarily could be anything. To keep you/him close in the hope that your relationship ends and/or he goes back to her would be my bet.

It sounds like he was lapping up the attention.

You'll get folk on here saying it was definitely more, you'll never get the trust back, etc, but I think it's possible. However it is dependent on you- what do you need to move on from this, and him- is he prepared, able and committed to giving you this.
So for example him cutting all contact and communications with her is an obvious one, but what are you going to need from him to feel secure that he won't do it in the future? Is it a full understanding of why it happened so you can also know why it wouldn't happen again, is it certain boundaries around relationships with other women?
I have seen some interesting talks on Ted Talks about forgiving and moving on from infidelity. Might be worth having a search for them as they might give you more practical suggestions as to how you can move past this (if this is what you want to do which it seems to be).