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Original poster

Forgiving an emotional affair

99 replies

broken99 · 24/05/2021 15:44

Has anyone done this?

The brief version is, the relationship isn't really romantic, but my BF became very attached to a woman who was infatuated with him and spent a lot of time with her behind my back without telling me.

He was isolating away from me as a key worker (as was she) and over many months she sort of met his needs when I wasn't around :( He says nothing was wrong with our relationship, I meet all his needs but apparently I wasn't there and he was lonely!!!

No sex happened
No kissing or anything
No romantic exchanges

I know all this is the truth as I have properly checked into it and also spoken to the woman and got both sides of the story. It's not helpful if people comment that I am getting an edited version of the truth, as I am 100% sure I have the full truth as I made bloody sure I did.

I realise this sounds like possibly just a friendship but it wasn't (at least from her side). They spent a lot of time spent together, doing inappropriate things like having dinner alone together at her house and it included deep, emotional attachment. She says she had fallen in love with him.

His version is he thought they were friends and didn't realise how inappropriate it was or that she was interested in him romantically. Her version is that she made it clear she was interested in him romantically and although she admits he rebuffed her advances and told her he loved me and wasn't interested in a relationship with her, he continued to cook her lunch and ask her over for coffee or to watch a film and so on.

I can't fathom how he thought it was okay to do that, but obviously he knew it wasn't okay as he never mentioned her to me and I found out when I noticed this woman tagging him on Facebook.

The worst part, is that he got very close to her and got very sad when he had to stop seeing her. That is the part which has broken me, because maybe I could wrap my head around isolation causing a friendship to get close in circumstances it otherwise would not have, but he seems to be having withdrawal from her :(

He says he loves me completely and has no romantic feelings for her but she was giving him "emotional fulfillment" (eg: he enjoyed being loved by her). He says he wants to work things out with me and he is willing to do anything (he has done everything I have asked) but I can't get over how bad I feel inside that he formed an emotional connection to another woman.

Has anyone ever gotten through this before? I feel like the relationship is soiled, ruined and I am no longer special and unique in his eyes and he says this is not reality and that he was never in love with her but was just enjoying what she was giving and had never really had close female friends before.

I spoke to the woman, and she is actually very nice, I can see why he liked her. She's clever and funny and a good conversationalist and she even made ME feel like she was emotionally supporting me :( She assured me that it's me he loves and she was just filling a gap. I just can't understand why he is missing her if he loves me. I feel sad, depressed, angry, confused and have no idea what to do.

OP posts:
pinkmagnolias · 25/05/2021 00:47

I'm sorry OP.

I just remembered when I finally said enough, he sent me a number of emails telling me it hadn't worked out because he self sabotaged his relationships, he was undeserving of them. He was shy and inexperienced growing up. It was always about him. Always. How I felt about how he treated me didn't enter his head. Selfish man.

Onthedunes · 25/05/2021 00:49

No one' and I say this respectfully op, knows the full truth of anything except God. (if you are a believer)
What if he said tonight that he had, had sex with her, would you feel all your questioning, understanding and effort to explain all this hurt was in vain?

The truth is this man has hurt you and nothing can explain that away.
You believe in 'the one'.......... well this man is not 'the one.'

'The one' would not hurt you like this but it doesn't mean there is no other man for you.

My advice would be to look again for someone else and leave behind this chaos that he's given you in your head.
x

Original poster
broken99 · 25/05/2021 00:58

Thanks all, I am going to sleep now and then arrange to get away for a couple of weeks and do some thinking with some space. Really appreciate the help I got here.

OP posts:
MorriseysGladioli · 25/05/2021 01:09

A cynical person could say he is triangulation you with her.
A common trait of toxic people.
It makes you "up your game" and keeps her hanging around, hopefully.
It works even better when done by someone who is totally unwordly and doesn't realise what they're doing.

MidnightMeltdown · 25/05/2021 02:11

To be honest, I think that you are worrying too much. There is no reason for you to feel inadequate. At the end of the day, he is a free agent. If he really wanted to be with her, then he would be with her and not you. He's not with her, so he wants to be with you.

I don't agree with the idea that people shouldn't be allowed to have emotional connections with others while in a relationship. We all need multiple connections in our lives, and one person cannot fulfill all of your emotional needs. I think that for women it is easier because they tend to form deeper emotional relationships with girlfriends, but for men it can be harder as guys often don't talk in the same way.

I had a close male friend for many years. We would have dinner together, watch movies, go out for drinks, discuss our problems and relationships etc, but there wasn't a romantic relationship between us, we were just close friends. About a year ago, he got a girlfriend who was extremely jealous of of me, and would insist on being involved whenever we met up. She came across as very controlling and it was massively awkward so I stopped seeing him, but I do miss him and friendship that we had. I do think that it's possible for men and women to have close friendship without it being sexual.

I can see why you would be uncomfortable with the situation given that she has shown romantic interest in him, but I don't think the fact that he misses her is necessarily an indication that he wants to be with her romantically.

MsDogLady · 25/05/2021 07:45

OP, how long have you and your BF been together? Are you, he and OW similar ages?

BadMotherLover · 25/05/2021 08:03

I think that you should try to move on. He made some poor choices, but ultimately he rebuffed her advances, and he loves you. Foolish behaviour, but you are sure they didn't do anything. Try to let it go.

LemmysAceCard · 25/05/2021 08:54

My DP had an EA with a mutual friend 2 years ago and it broke my heart.

She was someone we had known for years and i loved her like a sister, DP always denied he fancied her but i knew he did.

Anyway i discovered the EA, i too know for absolute certain nothing physical happened, but it still hurt me. My friend was having problems with her relationship so DP was playing the knight in shining armour, for her it was an ego boost and someone to talk to. For him it was the groundwork to get into her knickers.

The day it all came out he told me he didnt love me and hadnt for a while. He dropped the bombshell and went back to work.

2 years later we are still together, he stopped all contact with OW, which is hard as they worked together but lockdown has been a god send! I tried to stay friends with OW but just couldnt do it, so cut all contact with her.

It was hard really hard, i have forgiven but not forgot. All my ducks are in a row, if he was to do this again he would be out, i cant go through the pain he caused me again. It nearly destroyed me.

Do i trust him? Not really.
Do i think he will do it again? Probably
Would he get a 2nd chance again? No fucking way.

Jennifer2r · 25/05/2021 09:02

He sounds like a dickhead.

If any friend of mine told me they loved me and wanted to be with my I'd gently distance myself, not maintain a close emotional relationship whilst benefitting from their adoration and 'support' and lying to my partner about it. Then poor him, he misses her. And tells you about it! Where is this person taking responsibility for their own feelings and behaviours?

@morriseysgladioli is right, it sounds toxic as hell and you're better off away from him.

totesemosh · 25/05/2021 13:10

I have name changed for this.

I think it's tempting to lump all emotional affairs together to find traits or achieve some understanding. I think you need to put any hope of understanding or having an explanation for what happened, out of your head. Your only decision now is wether you want to remain in this marriage today. You can leave at any time.

I was, for want of a better word, the other woman in an EA that went on for a few years. We were acquaintances, then friends and things slid from there. I would say for a particularly intense period, I was his priority and he was mine. We kidded ourselves it was a normal friendship. I never thought he would leave his wife and start a relationship with me, although that was what I wanted deep down. And once I admitted that to myself, I had to get out of it.

totesemosh · 25/05/2021 13:18

There is a great and appropriate quote in the film Five Year Engagement.

Yes, he may have been the one who kissed you. But there is a reason that he felt like that was an option. You know that's the truth.

suggestionsplease1 · 25/05/2021 14:15

I also don't think this is as bad as it could be.

I think you both have different lenses for how you are viewing this and different models or conceptualisations about how relationships and emotional connections should work.

You have a model in mind that places emphasis for all needs to be met within the primary romantic relationship and interpret other emotional connections as a threat to that.

He, on the other hand, sees no conflict with an emotional connection with another, especially as he is entirely clear in his head that there is no romantic connection whatsoever. (And I don't think you have good cause to doubt this.)

You appear to conflate different types of emotional connections whereas he tends to compartmentalise them. Your perceptions are at odds because you working to different models.

I think where he has gone wrong is to misapprehend how painful it was for this other woman, to continue to enjoy the connection when he knows he can not fulfil a romantic part, and obviously to misapprehend or fail to anticipate the impact on you of all that has happened.

However, if you have an idea that you think he might be on the ASD spectrum, then this misapprehension (and quite frankly a lot of the story and reactions and responses) could be quite understandable.

I also don't it sounds like he has betrayed in 2 of the most fundamentally damaging ways a partner can during these sort of scenarios: 1. It doesn't sound like he has denigrated you or your relationship to this other woman. 2. It doesn't sound like he's lied to you.

From your descriptions I think he's been naïve but I don't think in his heart he's knowingly betrayed you or disrespected you.

pinkmagnolias · 25/05/2021 16:17

He, on the other hand, sees no conflict with an emotional connection with another, especially as he is entirely clear in his head that there is no romantic connection whatsoever.

Have you read the OP’s posts. Her partner and his EA cuddled together watching tv. Do you curl up and cuddle your female platonic friends let alone your male ones?

He may not have had real intentions to cheat but he certainly attempted to manipulate the other woman into believing he was interested in more. He’s is selfish, manipulative, self absorbed and lacks respect for either of his women.

suggestionsplease1 · 25/05/2021 16:28

@pinkmagnolias

He, on the other hand, sees no conflict with an emotional connection with another, especially as he is entirely clear in his head that there is no romantic connection whatsoever.

Have you read the OP’s posts. Her partner and his EA cuddled together watching tv. Do you curl up and cuddle your female platonic friends let alone your male ones?

He may not have had real intentions to cheat but he certainly attempted to manipulate the other woman into believing he was interested in more. He’s is selfish, manipulative, self absorbed and lacks respect for either of his women.

OP has said she also cuddles some of her male friends that she knows fancy her!

We don't know if her partner has a problem with her doing that or not. What do you think he should feel about that?

Yes I do cuddle up with some female platonic friends (am gay) with nothing more to it. They tend to be older friends I have from university.

pinkmagnolias · 25/05/2021 17:02

Yes I do cuddle up with some female platonic friends (am gay) with nothing more to it

Nothing more to it is the difference. If you knew one of them loved you in a non platonic way, would you still do that? Its cruel at the very least. Its selfish as its fulfilling a need for you without a thought to the consequence of doing is for the other person.

As for the OP doing it herself, I missed that and tbh I find it very strange behaviour and one I can't comment on as I have very different boundaries. I can only write from the perspective of being in an EA with somebody who used me as an ego boost.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 25/05/2021 17:16

@pinkmagnolias

Yes I do cuddle up with some female platonic friends (am gay) with nothing more to it

Nothing more to it is the difference. If you knew one of them loved you in a non platonic way, would you still do that? Its cruel at the very least. Its selfish as its fulfilling a need for you without a thought to the consequence of doing is for the other person.

As for the OP doing it herself, I missed that and tbh I find it very strange behaviour and one I can't comment on as I have very different boundaries. I can only write from the perspective of being in an EA with somebody who used me as an ego boost.

This.

If one of your friends had told you they loved you, were in love with you... then those cuddles would have a really different dynamic and no longer be platonic even if only one party genuinely had sexual feelings for the other. It's such a cruel way to behave to both the person with unrequited love and the partner elsewhere.

suggestionsplease1 · 25/05/2021 17:21

Well yeah, I would tend to agree, but both the OP and her partner have done it, and both have given a rationale that they feel it's acceptable because of this, that or the other.

Maybe one of them thought it was acceptable that they could do it because they had seen their partner do it / knew their partner felt it was acceptable for themselves?

Acupofcamus · 25/05/2021 17:57

I don’t think the woman has anything to lose by telling you the truth so yeah, I’d probably believe her. I did once unknowingly sleep with someone who had a GF, she contacted me asking me for details so I was completely honest. I had absolutely no idea she existed and he’d been incredibly sneaky. I felt sorry for her and I had no reason to lie, this woman is the same really except she knew he had a GF so she obviously shouldn’t have persued a romantic relationship with him.

That aside, sounds like your DP enjoyed the attention which is quite pathetic of him. He couldn’t bear to be alone even for a few months and felt desperate to have a woman hanging off his every word. He really does sound like a bit of a wet lettuce if I’m being honest which I’d personally find a huge turn off. Hugely disrespectful of him to tell you he misses her which he must surely know and it seems like he’s almost using it as a stick to beat you with. I don’t think I could forgive this personally, his behaviour is utterly pathetic and weaselly.

cakecakecheese · 25/05/2021 20:14

He misses her when things are tough with you, yes we'll he would wouldn't he, the Mrs is giving him stick but the woman who is in live with him isn't Hmm well yes that's because she's not the one having to deal with all the fallout. This isn't how relationships work, he can't have a spare one to make him feel better when the main one is difficult.

DateXY · 25/05/2021 21:41

@broken99This is a boyfriend, not a husband. Just dump him. You're overthinking the whole thing!!Confused

The whole point of dating before commitment is finding out more about the person before you take the step to legally commit with the intention of lifelong commitment. Find someone for whom just you is enough and is not having codependent relationships with other women. Just feel so lucky you found this out before marriage/kids. You sound like you have very low self esteem OP to be even considering staying Flowers

ceilingsand · 25/05/2021 22:18

One of the ways of measuring an emotional affair is whether the person would want to tell their wife/husband. He was having one and he knew it too.

Jupiterdrops71 · 25/05/2021 22:23

Seriously run for the hills

Jupiterdrops71 · 25/05/2021 22:29

Maybe stay friendly with her but definitely bin him off, he sounds awful!

cosmicbabe · 25/05/2021 22:49

[quote DateXY]@broken99This is a boyfriend, not a husband. Just dump him. You're overthinking the whole thing!!Confused

The whole point of dating before commitment is finding out more about the person before you take the step to legally commit with the intention of lifelong commitment. Find someone for whom just you is enough and is not having codependent relationships with other women. Just feel so lucky you found this out before marriage/kids. You sound like you have very low self esteem OP to be even considering staying Flowers[/quote]
This 👆

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