Resentment/Regret

[WitchesCauldron]

I'm being a bit vague as I don't want to identify anyone. Menopausal mum, had kids young and now feel a lot of resentment and regret that gave up so much. Partner has dynamic career which doesn't help. All 3 kids all grown up and doing well, but let's be honest they don't really appreciate the sacrifices do they? Questioning my whole existence as I feel like now in my 6th decade I have missed the boat. Feel the only person suffering from this resentment is me . What makes it worse is that I had opportunities but passed them over due to crippling self esteem issues and insecurities. A cold unloving upbringing didn't help. Now I just feel sad, old and spend my days in a job way below my abilities whilst feeling envious of other younger people having careers. Wondered if counselling might help, but not sure if best for me or me and other half too. What sucks is I know if the tables were turned they wouldn't have made those sacrifices for me. So I'm left feeling what was it all for and wish I could turn back the clock. Advice pls.

I’m sure you are not alone in this feeling. Mothers are not given enough respect, consideration, and care... that’s on them not you.

Now is the time you can enjoy your life and take up hobbies, travel with friends, all the other things you wanted to do.

A lot of the youngsters with their careers you’re looking at might actually be really worried and stressed about their future regarding job and home security, it might not be as fun as it looks on the outside.

Anyway, I feel for you.

You cannot change the past, but you can embrace and enjoy this whole new chapter of your life. It is yours to explore. Make the next few decades YOUR decades! Know that you are not alone - children rarely appreciate the sacrifices their parents made, and that's okay - few of us truly appreciated our parents either or understood their struggles, right?

Stop looking backward with regret, it changes nothing. Please realise that if you raised three kind competent self-sufficient productive human beings, you have already made a huge contribution to the world.

Have you treated yourself lately? If not, go get your hair cut, your nails done, buy a new outfit that makes you feel gorgeous. Only you can get you out of this slump - choose to embrace who you are right now and start planning things to enjoy your freedom and this next stage of your life.

Just wanted to say I completely understand OP.
My story is similar except I had built a good job for myself, got as far as I wanted. H got a job in another part of UK and pressured me to go with him. I did and now I am pushing 50, work in job way below my level, young kids. H has no appreciation of what I have done, refuses to acknowledge or appreciate it in any way. I bitterly resent him for this, and deeply regret giving up the life I had built, the financial independence and sense of achievement I had, the longstanding much valued friends I left behind, and the home and city I loved.

All I can do is focus on trying to build as good a life as I can for myself. But I understand that sense of regret and pain, and, for me, shame too. Its hard seeing where other people my age are, compared to me.

I hear you OP

Suggest that you don't have to have a career

Concentrate on a hobby outside work instead or volunteer on top of your job

Do something that you enjoy !

Are you financially secure?

Do you feel you wasted your potential or are their specific experiences you feel you missed out on.
I'm sorry you don't get appreciation from your children, that's sad, do ever discuss it with them? Is under appreciation the core emotion?

You can still live a great life, fulfil your goals as most people have careers to achieve financial stability. Very few people love the day to day slog and office politics.

I think raising good adults is an amazing job, actually many people screw it up by being selfish so you should acknowledge your value.

Thank you everyone for your kind comments and words of advice. Good to get some perspective and know I'm not on my own :-)

@noysaved

Just wanted to say I completely understand OP. My story is similar except I had built a good job for myself, got as far as I wanted. H got a job in another part of UK and pressured me to go with him. I did and now I am pushing 50, work in job way below my level, young kids. H has no appreciation of what I have done, refuses to acknowledge or appreciate it in any way. I bitterly resent him for this, and deeply regret giving up the life I had built, the financial independence and sense of achievement I had, the longstanding much valued friends I left behind, and the home and city I loved.

All I can do is focus on trying to build as good a life as I can for myself. But I understand that sense of regret and pain, and, for me, shame too. Its hard seeing where other people my age are, compared to me.

I hear you OP

God, that is crappy for you. I really get how you're feeling. There's some old quote about resentment is like swallowing the poison you mean for feel for someone else, or such like.. and I know it's true that bitterness is corrosive but it sucks when your other half doesn't appreciate the sacrifices you have made.

@Fireflygal

Are you financially secure?

Do you feel you wasted your potential or are their specific experiences you feel you missed out on.
I'm sorry you don't get appreciation from your children, that's sad, do ever discuss it with them? Is under appreciation the core emotion?

You can still live a great life, fulfil your goals as most people have careers to achieve financial stability. Very few people love the day to day slog and office politics.

I think raising good adults is an amazing job, actually many people screw it up by being selfish so you should acknowledge your value.

Thank you. I think it's a bit of everything. But I am lucky in having financial security and choice. I guess it's that old devil of a mid life crisis and a society that doesn't really value good parenting.

You can still have a career and offer good parenting. Please don’t infer otherwise.
It seems you just don’t have people around you appreciate you and your husbands decision about how the family would be organised.

You can't turn the clock back so stop torturing yourself.

What sucks is I know if the tables were turned they wouldn't have made those sacrifices for me.

How do you know that? You think that, you maybe believe it, but is it actually true?

You might think about CBT - studying it rather than having counselling - as a way to understanding yourself better and learning to look forward rather than backwards.

You sound like a very accomplished mother for what it's worth OP
But not too late to become accomplished at other things. What do you like to do?
Could you begin piano lessons or take up drawing? Run a food bank? You sound like someone who could make a real impact in their community

Op I feel the same and I'm younger than you. Several of my friends feel this way too. Menopause doesn't help.

I try to remember that back then I wanted to do those things. And i didn't realise what I was sacrificing. Natures trick I suppose.

Behind every successful man is a woman rolling her eyes ...

You are the main reason everyone has their place in the sun op
I understand it must feel harsh if you consider yourself standing in their shadow

You obviously have considerable talents to hand, don't be in your next decade
Deciding to blow the dust off of them

You could live till you are 100, so what you got planned for the next 40 yrs?

@Lollyneenah

You sound like a very accomplished mother for what it's worth OP But not too late to become accomplished at other things. What do you like to do? Could you begin piano lessons or take up drawing? Run a food bank? You sound like someone who could make a real impact in their community

Thank you. That's all points worth thinking about and I appreciate your post.

@JamieFrasersAuntie

Op I feel the same and I'm younger than you. Several of my friends feel this way too. Menopause doesn't help.

I try to remember that back then I wanted to do those things. And i didn't realise what I was sacrificing. Natures trick I suppose.

It absolutely is. And it's always good to remember that when I made those decisions they felt like the right ones .

@Guiltypleasures001

Behind every successful man is a woman rolling her eyes ...

You are the main reason everyone has their place in the sun op
I understand it must feel harsh if you consider yourself standing in their shadow

You obviously have considerable talents to hand, don't be in your next decade
Deciding to blow the dust off of them

You could live till you are 100, so what you got planned for the next 40 yrs?

Thank you. Can you be my motivational guru pls ? :-))))

You sound like a wonderful person, it’s time for you to appreciate yourself, spoil yourself like you used to spoil them, you’ve certainly earned it.

List all the things you love... how many of them can you do this summer? It’s brilliant to have things to look forward to.

Thank you for contributing to society as a whole by being the bedrock of your family and raiding law abiding tax payers. I’m assuming here, I’m sure you could give them a more glowing description.

I wish we lived in a time and place where these things are properly acknowledged and thanked.

In the meantime, please make sure you start having a whale of a time and fully taste and enjoy your life, there may be many others who may envy that and still cannot do it!

*Raising

I want to say right here and right now, no matter what age it's never too late to change. Do it now for yourself. You have everything inside you right now to make it work. Don't believe the narrative that you were told you were when you were younger.

Create your own new reality. What have you always wanted to do? Gees you aren't dead yet! Only 60s and my mum is the same age. She looks so young for her age and she is in a good career. You can do it too. Get some counselling definitely but remember, by investing in yourself, your success is inevitable. You can do this. Your story isn't over yet!

@WhatDreamsAreMade

You sound like a wonderful person, it’s time for you to appreciate yourself, spoil yourself like you used to spoil them, you’ve certainly earned it.

List all the things you love... how many of them can you do this summer? It’s brilliant to have things to look forward to.

Thank you for contributing to society as a whole by being the bedrock of your family and raiding law abiding tax payers. I’m assuming here, I’m sure you could give them a more glowing description.

I wish we lived in a time and place where these things are properly acknowledged and thanked.

In the meantime, please make sure you start having a whale of a time and fully taste and enjoy your life, there may be many others who may envy that and still cannot do it!

Bless you- that's a lovely post. I may print it out put on my fridge ! x

@Opaljewel

I want to say right here and right now, no matter what age it's never too late to change. Do it now for yourself. You have everything inside you right now to make it work. Don't believe the narrative that you were told you were when you were younger.

Create your own new reality. What have you always wanted to do? Gees you aren't dead yet! Only 60s and my mum is the same age. She looks so young for her age and she is in a good career. You can do it too. Get some counselling definitely but remember, by investing in yourself, your success is inevitable. You can do this. Your story isn't over yet!

Thank you Opaljewel. These kind of messages mean a lot.

I know how you feel, a bit, as I certainly could have had a 'proper career' if I had not had all these caring responsibilities.

One of the ways I have chosen to think about it is that my role is as the facilitator. None of the family could have done what they do unless I had helped them do it. We tend to assign less value to those who support, help, care and facilitate, but there is nothing intrinsically less about people who do those things, and they take a lot of thought and skill to do well.

They don't get the recognition, though, and that is hard to handle sometimes. But I tell myself that if I think my work has value, other people's opinion does not really matter - I do it because I chose to do it and therefore it matters to me.

What I do have now is life experience and wisdom, and I'm discovering roles and relationships which appreciate those things in me. And I'm developing some new skills which are giving me huge amounts of pleasure. Chasing after affirmation from others is a waste of time, and not very pleasurable in the long run. I've found that even if they do appreciate you at one moment, the buzz fades and you just want to hear more. It's been better to own my decisions for myself, and move on to things I find more enjoyable.

You're definitely not alone in this, OP.

You reach a certain age and realise you've outlived your usefulness. That's putting it harshly but a lot of women are valued for being the pretty young girlfriend, fresh new wife, doting mother and then.. what? You either get bogged down or you grasp the opportunity to finally do what you want to do. Women sacrifice a lot when they become wives and mothers so it should be your time now.

I totally relate to your post.
I sacrificed my career to raise children (one with mild SN), care for elderly parents and support my DH in his own business.

What galls me is that there is no thanks or recognition of my contribution, and worse still, they sometimes take credit for things I have done.

My youngest is off to uni in Sept and this thread has reminded me that I need to start planning my 'rest of my life list'!

I think it's time for you to treat yourself. Have you ever thought about going on a course? Maybe look into that now.