How do I respond to this unexpected gaslighting?

[Ridingfr33]

I left DH 3 months ago after several unhappy years together, largely because he wanted to function as a single person. He slept in a separate room, watching box sets until the early hours and left DCs night wakings to me. I have a chronic condition and struggled immensely with fatigue. He had too many hobbies, was always too busy at work and didn't engage with DCs mental and emotional needs (or mine).

We haven't seen SIL since the separation and prior to marrying DH, she was a good friend of mine. I haven't spoken to her about the separation at all thinking he's her brother so better not to involve/speak to her.

She has however been to visit me over the weekend to "catch up" and she asked me about the situation with DH. She started with "I'm your family too" which broke down the barriers.

I told her a lot, not everything. Only to be met with
"all men are like this...
Women often take the central role in child rearing, this is normal...
He's trying really hard to win you back
It could be worse...".

It took me a long time to find the strength to stand up for my own needs and I have been feeling much, much stronger since leaving. However a conversation with her over the weekend has floored me. I'm devastated. I feel like I was reeled in only to be put in my place. She is not married and does not have children for the record. She doubted my reality about every single complaint I had about DH. I was so taken aback, I didn't really know what to say, I also felt very small.

I spent the early hours doubting my decision and the choices I've made, doubting my own worth really. It was a huge decision for me with no family close by and few friends in the area, so for her to basically tell me that my reasons are insignificant has set me back. On reflection I'm also extremely angry with her, how dare she do that? She has said that she wants to see me again soon for another conversation (because she's my family too didn't I know?!) but I don't want to see her. I also want to respond to some of the excuses she has made for DH because this just isn't on. It's emotional abuse.

MN, I need your help to build me back up again after this.

I’m sorry I can see why you are very upset and angry.

Your instinct on this was good.

We haven't seen SIL since the separation and prior to marrying DH, she was a good friend of mine. I haven't spoken to her about the separation at all thinking he's her brother so better not to involve/speak to her

Although she was a good friend before, you need to accept that her loyalty is now to her brother and not you. She has taken his side and that’s very hurtful for you.

I’d advise you not to meet with her again and no try to argue your case about why you left Your ex. I’d just say that you didn’t find meeting up helpful or it’s not the right thing for you at this time.

You need to put your own well being first so you will be well enough to care for your children. It’s hard brought being a single mum without people like this dragging you down.

You neee to reach out for support to others who are not connected to your ex and who you know will be supportive of you decision.

You've done the right thing leaving him, you were not happy and that's all that matters, she has no right to tell you what you should or should not put up with. That is your decision, and your decision alone to make.
As for moving forward with her her you can either tell her straight that you owe her no answers and she doesn't get to dictate what you have to live with or avoid contact with her.

It is normal, there are plenty of rubbish men out there. You are still in the right to want more for yourself and your children. Sounds like you were living like a single parent any.

I married my best friend's brother..
When we split I didn't see her for dust...
As expected...
Sadly now you know op... Just because she is blinkered to his faults doesn't mean you need to accept them.

Cut her off and stay strong in your decision..

she was bound to stick up for him op, dont see her, you dont need her meddling. she is wrong

Well done for leaving the useless twat.
It's awful she was like that but now you know not to trust her and you can swipe her out of your life.

She is loyal to her brother.
You need to be loyal to yourself and what’s good for you.

"I don't want to see her."

Then don't.

Has he sent her round in order to negotiate so he can not pay child support etc?

She's not your friend OP; you don't owe her anything. Personally I think one text message, Dear SiL, it was good to see you again. I have reflected on our conversation. I understand that you have loyalty to your DB. On reflection, it is best that we do not meet up again. It took a lot of strength for me to do what is right for me and leave. Just because something may appear "normal" does not make it right. It is not for him to "win me back," I am not the annual challenge cup trophy I was his wife. I don't wish to speak out of turn but it felt as if perhaps Ex-DH may have influenced you to speak to me? You don't need to answer me; suffice to say if he did then you are welcome to show him this message. I appreciate there will need to be some contact whilst we finalise our separation but beyond the practicalities I do not intend to engage in pleasantries. I trust you understand and wish you all the best for the future, as you rightly pointed out we were family and we were good friends." Then block all contact with her, keep communication with him about practicalities and through an intermediary where possible eg solicitor.

If you don’t want to see her, don’t. She will be loyal to her brother first, and it’s because of that that she’s coming out with all that rubbish. Of course you and your kids deserve so much better.

It sounds like she was sent by him to have a word with you and make you feel like what you feel isn’t valid.
Don’t see her again; she’s not your friend any more and she’s picked a side .
Your feelings and choices are valid; what you describe with your DH is not how you want to live and is not how most men are.

Time to get a little bit cynical.

She's his sister. She's probably sick of his whingeing and it's easier and less awkward for her if you patch things up. If the in laws are in the picture then she's probably getting a bit of moaning.

Maybe she's been sent over to make you see sense in their eyes.

If it was your best friend telling you this, someone who has nothing to gain whether you split with him or not, then maybe listen.

Otherwise politely nod and just say 'well of course it would be convenient for everybody else if we got back together but it's not all about you '

Or just ignore her and carry on.

You haven't seen her for 3 months and when she does turn up it's to tell you how wrong you are and things could be worse, it's almost as if she's saying a shit partner is better than no partner at all which is bullshit.

I'd be suspicious that your ex's idea of trying to win you back is to get his Sister to come round and wear you down because it requires less effort than him actually trying to be a better husband.

I wouldn't waste your energy trying to address the excuses she made for your DH it will only cause you more hurt and frustration. You do not have to see her, answer her calls or respond to her texts. Fuck off is an appropriate response, to requests for future meetings, but if you don't feel able to communicate how you feel in quite such an unambiguous then just ignore her.

If she wants to see her nieces/nephews she can see them when they're with their dad, he will no doubt appreciate having a woman around to do the parenting grunt work for him.

She doesn't care about you and isn't your friend. Where has she been for 3months?! Your feelings do count and they are valid. Ignore her. She has a hidden agenda, she wants him to stop moaning and push you two back together. Forget them all. You were not in a healthy relationship, if my husband did those things I'd be out that door. Life's too short to be unhappy. You have options now you've left him behind, doors will open for you. You will have a happier life, like you deserve.

She is his sister first and your friend a distant second. Realistically she is going to owe her loyalties to him. Plus it is much easier to believe that your own brother is a typical person and you’re high maintenance with unrealistic standards than he is a shitty husband and father. I would refuse to engage with her any further on this, she is not your friend.

Read your OP back - I read that with admiration of your strength to have put the needs of your DC and yourself before your man child of a DH. Chalk the conversation up as a lame effort to get you to reconsider. Which you wine, because you have made your own mind up for all the right reasons.

At worst you have lost a 'friend' don't let her make you question your strength x

At least you know now she's loyal to her brother.
Lesson learned.
Don't doubt yourself,keep going.

She is not married and does not have children for the record. She doubted my reality about every single complaint I had about DH

and then she says

all men are like this...
Women often take the central role in child rearing, this is normal...

So you know you can ignore that bit

He's trying really hard to win you back

Has he been in touch with you, or is he just using her as his flying monkey? Or has she taken it upon herself?

I wouldn't have any qualms about not seeing her anymore, Riding. She has no idea what you've gone through (even though you've told her some of it!), what you're going through now and how her brother has been behaving towards you and the children but she sees fit to tell you you're wrong. That's not the sort of 'support' you need.

You're already being very strong and doing well. Take time to get over the slap in the face she has given you but not too long, she's not worth the headspace. Dust yourself down and carry on doing well

I am so glad you left him, ignore sil you can do this.

I wouldn't make a big thing of it. Blood is thicker than water sadly . I have the same kind of thing from ex mil
I'd just be busy next time she tries to arrange a meet up. Reply to texts in a civil non committal way and if she phones you put the kids on to chat to their auntie . That makes it clear you are related via the kids and that's where your relationship ends now .

Stay strong, OP - you clearly did the right thing in leaving your dh who sounds like an inadequate, lazy idiot. You said you feel much stronger now? good. keep it that way.

Your SIL is on his side and advocating for him. She is not a parent so has no clue about bringing up children - she is speaking from a place of a) massive bias and b) massive ignorance.

Do not allow her to break you down. If I were you I would send a polite but firm email telling her that you note her concerns/thoughts but refuse to allow her to undermine what was a v hard decision. Tell her if she wishes to remain in contact she will accept your reasoning and support it.

You now know that your SIL isn’t going to be supportive or kind towards you. You can use that knowledge to help yourself by not seeing her until after you’ve divorced her selfish brother. Next time she asks to see you, tell her you’re busy.

If I were you, I’d start divorce proceedings fairly swiftly so that everyone understands that the marriage is over for good.

Thank you all for making a very hard day so much easier to bear. I know it shouldn't have affected me the way it has, but things are very raw still. I thought DH would have seen the error of his ways, apologised we would have got back together, when that did not happen, I had to dig deep to find the courage to continue.

If she'd have said something like "my loyalty is to my brother, so I need to support him" I'd have coped much better than with "I'm your family too..." reeling me in and then basically saying that no, none of your feelings are valid because every man is like this and you're making a meal of it. It's the insincerity of her support and getting me to open up in the first place that hurts.

I knew deep down this would happen, which is why I didn't lean on her in the first place. And in 3 months, she text me once, so I hardly feel like she's family when my own parents call me 3-4 times a week.

It's angered me that she's belittled my very difficult situation when she always has some drama going on. My husband has had to go to her in the middle of the night before now to calm her down and yet she lacks so much empathy for my situation. I feel like an idiot allowing myself to be reeled in by her pretence.

Your last post made me say 'wow' about her behaviour OP.
You're doing the right thing and it seems she has very little insight into herself or others. You're not an idiot being reeled in, but you know now.
Personally I'd be tempted to give her a large piece of my mind before ignoring her, but if you cut straight to ignoring her that'll do the trick too. She's not even remotely on your side.
You sound really strong and clear.

Only you know how you feel. If you feel better since leaving then you have made the right decision.

I wouldn't meet up with her again. She clearly has no understanding of the situation and/or empathy for you.