How do I respond to this unexpected gaslighting?

[Ridingfr33]

I left DH 3 months ago after several unhappy years together, largely because he wanted to function as a single person. He slept in a separate room, watching box sets until the early hours and left DCs night wakings to me. I have a chronic condition and struggled immensely with fatigue. He had too many hobbies, was always too busy at work and didn't engage with DCs mental and emotional needs (or mine).

We haven't seen SIL since the separation and prior to marrying DH, she was a good friend of mine. I haven't spoken to her about the separation at all thinking he's her brother so better not to involve/speak to her.

She has however been to visit me over the weekend to "catch up" and she asked me about the situation with DH. She started with "I'm your family too" which broke down the barriers.

I told her a lot, not everything. Only to be met with
"all men are like this...
Women often take the central role in child rearing, this is normal...
He's trying really hard to win you back
It could be worse...".

It took me a long time to find the strength to stand up for my own needs and I have been feeling much, much stronger since leaving. However a conversation with her over the weekend has floored me. I'm devastated. I feel like I was reeled in only to be put in my place. She is not married and does not have children for the record. She doubted my reality about every single complaint I had about DH. I was so taken aback, I didn't really know what to say, I also felt very small.

I spent the early hours doubting my decision and the choices I've made, doubting my own worth really. It was a huge decision for me with no family close by and few friends in the area, so for her to basically tell me that my reasons are insignificant has set me back. On reflection I'm also extremely angry with her, how dare she do that? She has said that she wants to see me again soon for another conversation (because she's my family too didn't I know?!) but I don't want to see her. I also want to respond to some of the excuses she has made for DH because this just isn't on. It's emotional abuse.

MN, I need your help to build me back up again after this.

Dear sil upon reflection I think I'm going to disagree with your opinion thanks for the chat its solidified in my mind exactly why I'm single and happy

I have responded and explained that I know that all men aren't like this because my own married friends are mortified at my DHs selfish behaviour.

I've gone on to say that we're clearly going to disagree and that meeting up is not going to help me moving forward.

Gaslighting must be a family trait as DH used to do this also.

She also seems to have a bee in her bonnet about single mothers; I've heard her complaining about how much financial help they get from the state a few times. So she'll no doubt have a bee in her bonnet with me anyway.

Sometimes it’s difficult to remain unmoved by people who are close to you splitting up. I’ve been unsettled by it especially when I am close to both but in different ways. For that reason I have a kinder interpretation of what she did. I don’t think it is gaslighting, just misguided advice and opinion.

NB I wouldn’t get involved or try to “encourage” a reconciliation. That’s completely the wrong behaviour. And usually when I think it about I realise they weren’t really right for each other. I also don’t think anyone needs to explain a split to anyone at all. If someone wants to leave a relationship they can. Nobody does it on a whim.

I had a similar thing with exH's mum. She was trying to guilt me into getting back with him saying I made vows in front of God (he had an affair - apparently not relevant!), I was the only one who could help him get through his mistake and I had an obligation to stay with him. She kept saying he loved me but he was still seeing the OW and treating me like sh*t so I was like he might be telling you he loves me bit he isn't saying this to me! I think she didn't want us to separate and so she was doing what she could to try to get me to stay with him which is a bit weird - trying to sort out your son's mess for him! I suspect he was also very dishonest with his family about what had happened so they thought it was all a storm in a teacup and I would come round. It sounds like your SIL was trying something similar. You need to stand your ground and know you have made the right decision for you. Only you know what happened between the two of you - don't let anyone else try to convince you it didn't happen.

Wow @dogfan that is anothet level of interference....the nerve of your ex MIL!

Yes, that is another thing SIL kept saying... "he loves you..."

He hasn't told me he loves me in 2 years.

Some women really do think that sort of behaviour is fine and a normal part of marriage. Personally, I don't. I've given up trying to reason with them but I'm firm in what I want and expect from a partner.

It's a bit different but I had an ex who was in a very very well paying job and when I decided to break up with him all of my friends tried to talk me out of it. Even after we broke up my friends were trying to push me to get back together with him and told me I was crazy. Apparently the fact that he was wealthy meant I should put up with the loneliness from his long hours and taking on all of the mental load in our relationship My mum was the only person who supported my decision and agreed that it would be stupid to stay with him and be miserable.

Well done for leaving him despite the lack of support @milduraS Did you find a better relationship afterwards?

DH and I still get along well despite everything but I think this leads other people to think that because there hasn't been a huge bust up, you should automatically stay together.

I have some supportive friends luckily, most of whom are married themselves but can see why I feel the need to end mine.

I did! I met my now DH 5 years ago and we're really happy. It looked like a big fall going from a fancy apartment in Europe to a six bed shared house in my hometown but it was worth it.

I had a similar problem with the ex in that we never had a bust up. He was really lovely, funny and could get along with anyone. It's just that the lifestyle wasn't what I wanted. He's happily married too so it worked out best for both of us.