Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would you your celebrate birthday with your ex?

49 replies

Endofether · 24/05/2021 01:20

And kids ? If in another relationship ?

OP posts:
PinkSatinMoon · 24/05/2021 03:23

kids birthday perhaps..

my Birthday.. hell no 🌸

cookiecreampie · 24/05/2021 07:23

No I think it's a bit inappropriate and confusing for the kids. And not something I personally would enjoy doing.

CeibaTree · 24/05/2021 07:33

Depends on a lot of things - reason you broke up, how well you get on, how old the kids are if you are doing it for their sake etc.

Joy69 · 24/05/2021 07:36

No only the kids birthdays if they are young. Definitely not my own. If I wanted him there I wouldn't have split up, if you know what I mean Hmm

Original poster
Endofether · 24/05/2021 07:46

Ever since we have been together he marks his bday with ex (and kid/s)..

feel like it’s a dealbreaker for me now but he minimises it and gaslights me blaming me

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 24/05/2021 07:52

And excludes you of invites you? How long have you have been together? How long have they been split up?

If you’re unhappy then you can split up for any reason you like. Why stay with someone who makes you feel bad?

foxyroxyyy · 24/05/2021 07:54

No way! How many years has this been going on? Are you allowed to go too?

Original poster
Endofether · 24/05/2021 07:57

6 years

We live apart currently (different cities) , no I’m not invited

OP posts:
NoNobramma · 24/05/2021 07:57

Can you go too? If not then no that’s way out of line. Kids birthdays I can understand but don’t agree with. But his? Hers? Weird and inappropriate.

pumpkinpie01 · 24/05/2021 07:58

Very weird , how do they celebrate?

VaguelyInteresting · 24/05/2021 07:59

I share a 4yo with my ex.

We celebrate Christmas, Easter, DS’ birthday and sometimes new year together.

Ex doesn’t really mark adult birthdays, nor do I, so we don’t get together for those- although I’m sure we would if we did IYSWIM?

There is nothing romantic between us, but we take the view that although we broke up, we are still a family- were DS’ family- , if that makes sense? And we get together for him, rather than for ourselves- though we do enjoy one another’s company.
And when ex had a girlfriend, we talked about her joining us for these occasions once exDP was sure it was serious (turned out it wasn’t serious, unfortunately).

Anyway- all I’m saying is - families - together and separated- look like all kinds of things. Some get on well, like ours, others not so well. The question really is not whether what he’s doing is right, but whether it’s right for you- and if not, you have to decide whether you stay and put up or go.

It’s tough though, OP, and you have my sympathy.

Original poster
Endofether · 24/05/2021 07:59

Nope def wouldn’t be invited

He would say it’s organised by his 17 year old for eg and then we have a massive row about how insecure I am !

OP posts:
Original poster
Endofether · 24/05/2021 08:00

@VaguelyInteresting

I share a 4yo with my ex.

We celebrate Christmas, Easter, DS’ birthday and sometimes new year together.

Ex doesn’t really mark adult birthdays, nor do I, so we don’t get together for those- although I’m sure we would if we did IYSWIM?

There is nothing romantic between us, but we take the view that although we broke up, we are still a family- were DS’ family- , if that makes sense? And we get together for him, rather than for ourselves- though we do enjoy one another’s company.
And when ex had a girlfriend, we talked about her joining us for these occasions once exDP was sure it was serious (turned out it wasn’t serious, unfortunately).

Anyway- all I’m saying is - families - together and separated- look like all kinds of things. Some get on well, like ours, others not so well. The question really is not whether what he’s doing is right, but whether it’s right for you- and if not, you have to decide whether you stay and put up or go.

It’s tough though, OP, and you have my sympathy.

This is so true - is it right for me
OP posts:
Happycat1212 · 24/05/2021 11:10

No I would not

Original poster
Endofether · 24/05/2021 11:38

Just don’t know if I can continue. If I try and say anything he gets so defensive and takes it as a slight against his children (

OP posts:
Tk5787338 · 24/05/2021 11:52

I wouldn’t do and I also wouldn’t still be with DH if he did that with his ex; maybe it’s been their routine or habit but with a partner on the scene things have to change

mindutopia · 24/05/2021 11:58

My dad used to come to our house to celebrate his birthday sometimes (I mean, if we celebrated it at all). We didn't have the sort of relationship where I ever would have just gone to his alone (without my mum) to celebrate anything. As a child, it seemed completely normal and I'm glad we had those family celebrations as I wouldn't have had them without my mum being the one to organise them.

As an adult, I think yes, it makes sense for him to celebrate his birthday with his kids. It doesn't necessarily have to be on his actual birthday and it shouldn't be a replacement for also celebrating with you. But yes, I do think kids should to some extent be prioritised in ways like this over a relatively new ish partner.

That said, in my case, it was in no way at all indicative that my parents had any romantic interest in each other (they vaguely tolerated each other). It was more indicative that my dad was a bit shit and disinterested in me so if my mum hadn't organised a birthday celebration and invited him to it, he wouldn't have thought to see me on his birthday at all. So I guess that raises the question of whether the same is the case for your partner? If it is, it would definitely make me think twice.

wdmtthgcock · 24/05/2021 12:07

No, absolutely not.
Does the ex have a new partner?

Have you always lived in different cities?
Are you sure they really are separated?
It's very odd indeed.

Children's birthdays - yes, that's fine.
But celebrating your own birthday with your ex is strange.

Happycat1212 · 24/05/2021 12:30

mindutopia

That’s very unusual though, my ex never took the kids at all and only seen them at my house but there is no way on gods earth I would arrange a birthday party for him because he didn’t want to take them. Did either of them never have any new partners?

PinkSatinMoon · 24/05/2021 12:45

He would be an Ex OP 🌸

Justilou1 · 24/05/2021 12:52

Kid’s bday, absolutely fine. His bday - he still has feelings. Does he still celebrate HER bday the same way? (At the expense of anyone else in her life? Would you trust that you’d hear about it?)

Original poster
Endofether · 24/05/2021 12:54

@wdmtthgcock

No, absolutely not. Does the ex have a new partner?

Have you always lived in different cities?
Are you sure they really are separated?
It's very odd indeed.

Children's birthdays - yes, that's fine.
But celebrating your own birthday with your ex is strange.

No she hasn’t a new partner

Yes we have

Yes they are def divorced

OP posts:
WilsonMilson · 24/05/2021 13:09

I have mixed views on this. When my and ex husband broke up, he still came over for his birthday as we had a good break up and remained friends. But, he’s now living with someone and I’m very happily remarried so we don’t do that any more.

I think it’s a reasonable thing to do if you’re not living with other people, but absolutely weird if you are. I see you don’t live in the same city as your partner - maybe that’s the issue, he thinks he’s entitled to do what he wants as he’s not that committed to you. 6 years is a long time to be together but not live together.
Maybe your annoyance on this issue is indicative of a bigger picture of lack of commitment?

RantyAnty · 24/05/2021 13:14

Yes, it is strange.

What does he do for your birthday and holidays?

After 6 years, what are the plans for your relationship?

Original poster
Endofether · 24/05/2021 13:53

@RantyAnty

Yes, it is strange.

What does he do for your birthday and holidays?

After 6 years, what are the plans for your relationship?

We’re (meant to be!) getting married next year and buying together then (kids ages mean that can happen then ) The only way I can describe it is that the ex sort of traps him saying it’s the dd’s wishes... so he will for eg call round to take dd out but then have made him dinner and a bday cake to have in the house (with the ex). Gosh yes my birthdays are amazing . Nothing is amiss with us it’s the ex constantly using the kids to reel him in I think
OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread