Would you your celebrate birthday with your ex?

[Endofether]

And kids ? If in another relationship ?

And yes this only happens when we are apart (which is about 1/3 of the month max)

My DP stays at his ex wife's house when ever he sees his children. They live 4 hours drive away. His birthday always falls when he is there so they celebrate it together. This is his decision and nothing to do with the ex wife who sounds very nice.

Blimey how do you handle that @RoosterRaveUp ? Has the ex got a new partner too ?

@Endofether. He had always done it before we met. It's not like he wants her there but due to circumstances to see the children it has to be in the exes home (disabled child). The kids enjoy it. Plus we are older, I also have children. I'm of the mind that if he didn't want to be with me, then he wouldn't be.

I know he doesn't want to be with the ex.

Are you going to marry him ?

[quote RoosterRaveUp]@Endofether. He had always done it before we met. It's not like he wants her there but due to circumstances to see the children it has to be in the exes home (disabled child). The kids enjoy it. Plus we are older, I also have children. I'm of the mind that if he didn't want to be with me, then he wouldn't be.

I know he doesn't want to be with the ex.[/quote]
Same , I know he doesn’t want to be with the ex. They are amicable though

@PinkSatinMoon we are engaged - no date set tho

@Endofether DP doesn't particularly like the ex. The fact that he continues to go there and jointly makes it amicable, for me is a very attractive quality. He is mature and doesn't always put his needs and feelings first.

I really like that about him.

My OH used to do this and celebrate the kids birthdays, plus both his and exs birthday together as a family. Also when kids were young, he used to go and stay Xmas eve, stopping in his sons room with him to wake up Xmas day morning with them all.
As the kids have got older, this has faded away but have to say, I supported it 100%. The kids didn't lose out, they enjoyed the family time and both he and the ex had both pledged to make the break up as smooth as possible for them. It also allowed me time to focus on my child so he had all my attention.
Did he still hav efeelings for the ex? No. Did he decide the kids feelings were more important? Yes. Do I love him even more for that? Yes because it shows his dedication to the family and now me. Both he and his ex are in long term committed relationships and she's actually due to marry this year. The kids are happy and adjusted.

However this arrangement isnt for everyone. If you can't handle it, split up. Don't put him, yourself or his kids through it in the future

@baileys6904 yes dp and his ex pledged the same

So different to my own experience whereby ex dh was furious with me for about 3 years. Ok now but much more at arms’ length

It would be a deal breaker for me. I can't stand these fake family meets which ultimately do lots of damage to every relationship involved.

Again it's something I have had experience of with my current partner when we first met. Luckily he saw the inappropriateness of it and did not do it. Que hundreds of abusive messages from his ex. Followed by six months of realising that their relationship was so messed up with no clear boundaries, though ended five years earlier. It was tough to change but the boundaries are well and truly cemented in place now. Was not an easy ride and wouldn't recommend so my advice... run for the hills!!!!

@Littlepaws18 I love him a lot and we have come so far but he keeps instigating boundaries (mainly with extended family ) at huge cost to him in terms of stress but then seeks to just enable the ex to do whatever meet ups under the banner of coparenting

I feel like if one of the kids wanted them to do something, he would put them first . Whatever that was - Holiday etc whatever

Oh yes like @RoosterRaveUp and @baileys6904 ExDP stays here for special occasions and access visits too.

He lives 5 hours away and DS is too little to stay alone at his dads (very isolated off grid house; exDP has health probs. If he was sick DS could be put at risk), so ex comes here.

Honestly it works really really well for us.

But as I said above- this isn’t really about what’s happening with his kids and his ex, is it? It’s about what’s happening- or not happening- with you.

@VaguelyInteresting yea you’re right

We are unable to more to the next natural stage for us right now so sort in limbo and I don’t think the ex or extended family really take me seriously (even tho we are engaged)

[quote Endofether]@VaguelyInteresting yea you’re right

We are unable to more to the next natural stage for us right now so sort in limbo and I don’t think the ex or extended family really take me seriously (even tho we are engaged)[/quote]

course they don't...

he behaves as though you're someone he casually dates ... and prioritises his ExWife

Like various other PPs me and my ex still spend loads of time together (including all significant events) as a family with our three year old. Neither of us have had new partners since we split though, maybe this would change if we did, but I hope not. I'm hoping any new partners we get could become part of the extended family, maybe that is wishful thinking but I think with the right people it's possible! It doesn't sound like you need to be worried about your ex but it also doesn't sound like he's being very empathetic. If he is making you feel insecure that is an issue that needs addressing. But if your insecurity is happening on its own then that's an issue that needs addressing.

Thanks all . Yes I have absolutely zero concern the ex is any threat to our relationship as such - but for a combination of reasons such as geog etc it’s def harder to assert my ‘place’. It’s very much a joint decision to not come together until we don’t have to move any of the kids and works really well except around bdays festivities where his family and ex wife just plough on in and dominate . And he gets torn in a million directions as they lay on the guilt that it’s for the kids . And obv a lot of the time I’m not there to be by his side .. complicated !

Our lives happen mainly at my place tbh

And he gets torn in a million directions as they lay on the guilt that it’s for the kids . And obv a lot of the time I’m not there to be by his side .. complicated !

it's not complicated... He allows it to be complicated by not speaking up or verbalising that he has other plans and other people to consider.

He sounds very weak.

Oh good god no he ruined many a birthday so why would I ever have that back.

Def has people pleasing tendencies @PinkSatinMoon

@Holothane hahahaha

I can understand him wanting to share his bd with his dc, but why his ex needs to be there is a mystery.

@Endofether

Nope def wouldn’t be invited

He would say it’s organised by his 17 year old for eg and then we have a massive row about how insecure I am !

Na sorry, I couldn't accept this, it's just not on. It's shit enough if it was a celebration of his child's birthday, but it's madness to celebrate his own birthday with his ex and kids instead of his actual partner and his kids.

Also at 17, his kid is more than old enough to understand that their parents aren't together and that their dad has a new partner. If it was a genuine thing and everyone was cool and moved on, then new partners would be invited as well.

It doesn't make sense to ask anyone else this question because everyone has a different relationship with different exes. Some you're happy to hang out with because you're good friends, just not a couple. Some you never want to lay eyes on again. Then there are complicating factors like kids, social circles etc.

There isn't really a set rule about the kind of contact that's "normal" with an ex.

Yes I have absolutely zero concern the ex is any threat to our relationship as such - but for a combination of reasons such as geog etc it’s def harder to assert my ‘place’

Why would you want to assert your place if you know she's not a threat? A relationship isn't territory you have to piss on to let people know you're in charge.

17 !?

They're ripping the PISS 😳