Easier just to let people think I'm doing well even when I'm not??

[Buffaloskull]

Sorry this is a big ramble/anxiety ridden post and I just need to get it out.
By the title I mean when friends ask me how I'm doing, just to say I'm fine. Or when something happens or I'm feeling bad about something not to bother reaching out to friends and just keep my thoughts and feelings to myself, giving off an impression of everything being hunky dory when more often than not I feel like I'm failing/falling apart?

I have noticed recently that when talking to friends (a certain one in particular) about how I'm doing (when asked) if I tell them truthfully about how I am, I'm often hurt by the response I get back. I feel like things are either minimised or brushed off which just makes me feel worse.

Rant warning:
One friend in particular insists on giving me unsolicited advice even when I dont ask or I already have a plan of action.. this friend is male so im excusing it as him trying to "fix" a situation or come up with solutions because I've read that's how the Male brain tends to work, find solutions to 'problems' rather than just listen.. at times I find it quite patronising though because he will ASK how I am, so I tell him what's going on with me and what I'm doing etc , (I'm usually quite aware of myself/flaws and I like having goals (which I usually achieve) and like to work on/better myself.. I feel lost without having something to work towards.) But he'll reel off lists of things I SHOULD try and what I SHOULD and shouldn't be doing. I think it comes from a good place but I'm so fed up with him assuming I need his advice when I dont, he asks how I am so I tell him..I could understand if on these occasions I actually asked him for advice but I dont and I feel like he thinks that I'm in someway lesser than him and need his precious life advice (I'm actually way ahead of him in terms of life achievements but hes more spiritual and bangs on about it all the time when I don't ask. All good that being HIS thing but it's not mine and I'm not interested)
It would be nice just to be listened to, after all, he did ask! He rang me the other day for a catch up, I was telling him how things were (quite good!) Then he spent the rest of the call talking over me and telling me to do XYZ then ended the call. It was so odd.

Other things I've noticed is if something happens and I tell someone, I'm shot down or dismissed and it just makes me feel worse. These occasions I'm not actually asked, but Im upset about something so reach out to a friend and its dismissed so im left feeling 10× worse.

I do have anxiety and a tendency to catastrophise (sp?) So now I think maybe my friends are just sick of hearing it.. although I am careful not to overload my friends with things and it's very much give or take. I'm a good listener and give good, heartfelt advice (when asked!) So I suppose I expect the same back, but I dont often get it and am left feeling even worse or empty after some interactions.

So now I'm thinking just to keep all my thoughts and feelings to myself from now on to protect myself from feeling worse.

Thing is, on paper my life looks pretty dandy, but day to day I really dont feel that way. I still struggle with intrusive thoughts almost daily (after the birth of my 6 year old dc) I'm a single parent with no family, troubled up bringing etc so I'm often very lonely and a little bit of a lost soul. Although on paper, I have what I need and what's looks like a nice life. I'm just not really in it because of my mental health. But I guess others cant see and arent able to emphasize and wonder why I could feel the way I do and are even annoyed by the fact that I do when everything seems chusty on the outside.

I'm worried this will lead me to feeling more isolated or having thoughts swimming round my head making them seem bigger than they are, yet if I do tell people I feel worse so its like I'm caught between a rock and a hard place with this.
I also have a tendency to really regret opening up when I do because once its passed I often feel quite pathetic then worry the person thinks I'm ridiculous so obviously sharing isnt doing me any favours either 🙄

Anyone else just keep things to themselves to save their feelings? If so, how did it work out?

I wish I wasnt like this. 😔

Yes I've had counselling and take medication.

Disclaimer: I know my friends dont owe me and they're not there to be used as councillors so I'm really careful not to overload them. I do have good things going for me and am generally happy and fun to be around (believe it or not!) I'm kind and considerate and try hard to see the best in others.
This issue is with mostly with me and how I feel, I'm very sensitive but outwardly seem quite confident and together. Its bizarre
Thing is I wont even be able to say "I'm fine" because that leads to more questions. I'll just have to be straight up with this particular friend and say I dont what to talk about me.
As for the others I think it's a safe bet to keep things to myself from now on.

Please be kind if you decide to reply.. I dont want to regret posting this and then feel bad for doing so! 🙈

If I’m honest you sound over-sensitive and hard to please. I think your friends are coming from a good place. Sometimes it’s hard to know what type of support someone needs, especially if that person typically see the glass half empty.

Maybe me clearer with the type of support you want. You need to remember everyone is going through something behind closed doors.

Can I ask gently, are you catastrophising now, is that what your op is? You seem to be very self focused. Sorry if I missed it but are you getting professional help?

You sound very over sensitive tbh. Is your friend trying to help you? Sometimes making suggestions is all a person feels like they can do to help

Do you have adhd? I am exactly like this. It's very hard. I keep my thoughts mainly for my therapist. I really struggle not to overshare. It's not a decision I genuinely don't know how not to sometimes. I get awful shame when I do.

Sorry if the post came across as self focused but it was meant to be about me afterall.
Yeah I would say I'm catastrophising about this, I build things up to be more than they are alot. It mostly stays in my head. I'll go from one thing to the next.
It can be exhausting and I'm not sure how to stop it. Even when im actively doing something I'll be lost in a thought about something else.
I think I've got too much time on my hands and I'm inclined to feel far too much when there's not any need to.
I know this logically but not how to stop it?
My life isnt all doom and gloom I just wish this thing would go away so i can actually enjoy it.
But the point in the post is. Because I'm feeling bad after opening up about this part of myself, is it better just to keep a lid on it in the future therefore not being vulnerable to being hurt when I'm either not being taken seriously or what I'm saying is taken the wrong way? One of my friends sometimes mentions about how paranoid I can be in a jokey way and I feel so embarrassed by it.. thing is, shes right!

And I know other people have their own stuff going on. I don't expect people to be there for me all the time. I have some good friendships and try to keep this part of myself in the background but at times I'll let it out yet when I do I'll be shot down or made to feel like I'm crazy (which i suppose i am) because of it which makes me feel worse and like I'm even more mad.

Maybe better to speak to a professional again about my worries/problems and keep friendships 100% friendly?? I've considered going back on medication (like an anti depressant/anxiety medication, I take propranolol PRN now)

Sorry if this all seems a mess/self indulgent and I appreciate the advice. I'm just trying to work myself out so I can be in a better place overall.

No not getting any professional help atm but did have some CBT last year which helped a little.

Do you have a partner or anyone that is supportive?

@sideorderofchips
Yes but my friend constantly offers advice when I'm not asking for it, i feel like hes always trying to tell me I need to be better by doing XYZ. I could understand if I asked but I dont.. say if you were having a normal conversation with a friend about how their week/month had been and it all sounded good, would you start giving them random advice about how to improve?? No. I wouldn't anyway. I'd just smile and be happy for them..not tell them how to be better. I'm sensitive about it because I try so hard to be better/well and start off being excited to chat and tell him about what's been going on (lots of good stuff recently) yet I'll be given a vocal list on how to be better/improve. Just be happy for me as I am! 🤣 I'm saying all this and feel bad now because I've just ripped him to shreds, hes a good friend and means well but JHC give me a break. It feels like he puts a downer on whatever I tell him by telling me what i could be doing better... but that's me being sensitive too isnt it? Like if i felt ok it wouldnt bother me as much?

No ive not been diagnosed with ADHD but I've suspected it for a while.

@sideorderofchips

No I'm on my own with DC. Single and no family so other than my few friends no support network.

Can you maybe get back into therapy op?

Your friends probably mean well. My go-to response would be to come up with ideas to fix it and I wouldn't know how to respond in a sympathetic way without adding some sort of advice. If I did it would feel like I didn't care enough to try to help.

@buffaloskull I'm really sorry to hear you're feeling this way. I think telling friends about how you're really feeling immediately puts you in a place of vulnerability. I think it's unkind the way they've reacted though, please don't be put off by opening up again. Do you have any other close friends who you can open upto? After having gone through some things in the past myself, it makes you release that so called genuine friends are very far and few between. I think its quite rare to have a best friend who you can fully open upto.

I think Brene Brown's book titled 'the gifts of imperfection' will really help you. I've just finished reading and it was such a good read. It's all about vulnerability and putting ourselves out there. If you do a YouTube search for her that will also bring up some of her best talks.

Also if you do want to offload further to a stranger (sometimes they are the best kind of people to listen) you can always send me a message.

Many men are fixers. Dh is the same.

But why you haven't been honest with any of these people I don't understand. Your crippling anxiety and chronic low self esteem. What are you afraid of? That if you tell them what you really feel you won't stay friends? So what? The friendships currently aren't doing you any good anyway.

Please speak to your GP.

Yeah @Bluntness100 I think maybe I should and I've been thinking so for a while, similar way I think of going back on medication but I'll go from feeling bad for a few days to feeling ok again, then back to feeling bad but I'll blame it on other things like the weather, lack of sleep/exercise etc

I do everything I should be doing, try sleep well, got down to a healthy weight, diet is a diet Gillain Mckeith would be proud of. Dont drink, get out in fresh air, exercise blah blah.. yet here I am still fucking nuts and talking about this on mumsnet 😒

@Loupop677 aw thank you that's really kind
I will listen to some of her stuff tonight I like listening to things like that as I'm going to sleep.

I have spoken to my friend about this in the past and it was all good and understood.
I'll bring it up with him again but I just hate doing it because I don't want him to feel bad.

When I’ve suffered depression and anxiety I kind of get to feeling like my worst feelings are how I ‘really’ am, and then I have a sort of paralysing choice: either try (the impossible task of) expressing to people just how bad it is to be inside my head and risk rejection or unhelpful reactions, or not say anything and feel like I can never be ‘real’ with anyone and nobody will ever really understand me.

I find when I feel like this is helps to remember that my worst feelings aren’t all of me, and me simply having fun and kicking back and talking about films or going for a walk and chatting rubbish with a friend is also the ‘real’ me and will probably cheer me up at least a little and take me away from some of the darker thoughts. And that the dark thoughts aren’t a given or some extra-true part of me: they’re just one part, and there are ways of handling them and not letting them get out of hand, if that makes sense? If you’re simply friendly and chatty with your friends and they support you by distracting you and taking you out of yourself for a bit, that’s not nothing. If they also listen to your darker thoughts that can be good, but it can also just reinforce them as you’ve found.

A psychologist once said to me that we evolved to find negative thoughts and experiences more real than positive ones. When we were living on the savanna we needed to prioritise the fact a lion was sizing us up for his lunch and we needed to get away fast, over stopping to smell the pretty flowers. But the flowers are equally real and equally part of life; it’s just that we’re often hardwired not to notice them.

I don’t know if this helps or even makes sense, but I think I’m saying try to get your negative thoughts in perspective if you can, and find safe outlets for them such as a therapist if you need to (personally I find general talking therapies like counselling counter productive when I feel like this, as they encourage me just to go further and further down into my negativity, but CBT and EMDR have both been life-changing). And work out what your friends can give you, which might not be what you immediately want, but might be valuable nonetheless. I hope you feel better soon.

@justawomen thank you yes this is how I feel right now I have a sort of paralysing choice: either try (the impossible task of) expressing to people just how bad it is to be inside my head and risk rejection or unhelpful reactions, or not say anything and feel like I can never be ‘real’ with anyone and nobody will ever really understand me

I can't tell you how good it feels to hear someone else say that although of course I'm sorry you've been through the same thing.

Yes I try and tell myself that my anxiety isnt all of me, just a part of me and I know we're all made up of lots of different things but atm, for me the anxiety is shouting the loudest and I'm trying to find ways to quieten it down. I'm a sucker for reassurance seeking too so those times I HAVE opened up to a friend/s about this and not had very supportive responses back, well it really stings and stands out in my mind as painful experience that I don't want to go back to.. but at the same time I need to be able to talk to someone about it too.

And yes just meeting up with people and talking about normal life and having a laugh, I dont get to do that very much so I'm missing that which would be like a little holiday for my overactive mind. I'll make a point of doing something like that next week.

I've decided I'm going to ring my gp tomorrow and ask to be started black on some antidepressants, I really didn't want to and was just waiting/hoping I'd feel better all on my own but I'm clearly not so even if I wake up tomorrow and feel better I'm making the call.

I hope your GP is helpful. You sound like you’ve got good insight into how you’re feeling. If you just need to offload and get some reassurance there’s the Samaritans, if that’d be helpful? Sorry, I don’t want to sound like I’m just offering solutions like your unhelpful friend

I too feel like lockdown drained the fun out of life, especially as I live alone. As things open up a bit there’s a few more chances to just be with people in a fun and relaxed way, but still nothing like normal I find. So I’m sure that doesn’t help your anxiety either: people who don’t suffer from anxiety are feeling anxious at the moment, never mind those of us with a tendency towards the clinical end of it!

I do hope you find the help you need and start to feel better soon - it sounds like you’re doing a great job at looking after yourself and that will pay dividends, even if not immediately.

Thank you @Buffaloskull for posting, it really resonated with me and thanks @justawoman for your answers which have been really helpful

@Buffaloskull
You're not being over sensitive at all. I can empathise a lot with what you've written. You sound like a highly empathetic person and unfortunately most people in the population have relatively low empathy so there's a natural disconnect. Due to lack of empathy, a lot of people only reel off empty platitudes instead of really listening and empathising with others.

Have you explored whether you're HSP/sensory processing sensitivity? Take the test here and read some resources on here: hsperson.com/test/highly-sensitive-test/

People with this trait are naturally very intuitive and more sensitive to their environment and to other people. People with this trait are often misunderstood (e.g. it has nothing to do with neuorticism) and we all live in a world that's not attune to these needs, so anxiety and other things can be more common in people with this trait.

"Sensitivity " in general is seen negatively in the Western world and generally people who are headstrong, insensitive or good at charming people with surface level interactions are the ones who get ahead. So no surprise why we have the current messes that we do in our world! Dont let the prevailing culture undermine your own gifts or minimise your very real experiences. You have a LOT to offer and you just need to find more like minded people

Thought I'd update here.
Spoke to my really lovely GP this morning and he has prescribed citalopram and is also putting me intouch with someone from active mental health team (not sure of the exact name..) because he thinks that me being so isolated is having a negative effect too and making thoughts spiral during to spending almost all my time on my own=too much time to think negatively.

I know and appreciate most people are/have been isolated this past year due to covid restrictions but for me it's not really been very different at all. I'm always isolated and on my own and have been for the past 6-7 years.. so its no wonder really that I'm the way that I am.

Apparently someone is going to ring and tell me what kind of group activities are available and see what would suit me. Little bit apprehensive but cant see it doing any harm.

Thanks again for those who responded and for giving me a place to get all that out last night.

@LivBa
Aww thank you for that post, seems we cross posted so I didnt see it before I sent my last one! I'll have a look at that test now thanks 😊

Yeah thank you for saying about the sensitivity thing.. suppose it would be easy for some to read that post and see it as just me being a bit pathetic/hard work but I'm really not. I'm actually quite strong and determined in most aspects of life but theres this other side of me which just seems to feel EVERYTHING. Like I was saying about friends who look at me and just see this strong/together individual (they tell me that's what they think about me I'm not just making that up) and either brush off or mock what I'm saying because they cant see or dont understand this other part of me that's underneath it all. Then it makes me question my own sanity and makes me feel pathetic for even bringing it up! Which was the main point in the post "should I just stop friends about how I feel" because more often than not I'm left feeling worse, I'm not saying that's their fault and i have good friends! They're good people, that's why i choose them after all and they like me too, some I've been close to for over 20 years so i can't be that annoying 🤣

I dunno, I'm still a little conflicted about how I'm going to handle all of this going forward, it's just a new faze in my life, new part of the journey that I'm trying to navigate along with anxiety and long standing mental health issues, it's hard to think clearly at times.

Well I got 26 for that test.. anything above 14 is classed as sensitive so yeah, I'm right at the top.
Interesting thing about noise etc i HATE loud noises or too much commotion going on around me, it makes me feel really on edge and nervous for some reason.
Normally it takes me a few days to "come down" after a social gathering or even work, like I had a busy day at work on Saturday and I'm only just starting to simmer down from it now.

I always just thought I like peace and quiet which lots of people do but I've been aware for a while now I'm not 'normal' in the way I react (internally) to too much stimulation. Light, noise, people, even the tick tocking of a clock etc but then came the isolation in an attempt to get away from it all and because it felt life was easier to handle that way but I've messed up my mental health by BEING too isolated 🤣 god, wheres the balance!!? 🤣

@LivBa I’m sorry but what you have written is enabling OP, not helping her. Basically you are saying most of the population aren’t empathetic but you are. So in other words you are gifted, and we all lack something you don’t. I’m sorry to laugh but I’ve never heard such nonsense.

I suspect you tell yourself that to validate your every emotion and justify anything deemed as an ‘overreaction’ so that you don’t have to acknowledge that most of the time your response to conflict is disproportionate to the issue at hand.

Sorry to burst your bubble but hyper sensitivity (and/or anxiety) is typically a response to trauma or stems from childhood (and the way their parents brought them up). It’s not a ‘gift’ as it can actually make you ill-prepared for the challenges of life and leaves you feeling low a lot of the time. As you spend a lot more time in your head ruminating about every detail rather than enjoying your life. To write a response like that is only enabling (and if anything ostracising) OP as you’re essentially saying there’s no need to change as everyone else is the problem.

OP has done so well to actually reach out to the GP and acknowledge that her current mental health (and potentially loneliness) is contributing to her feeling this way. I suspect a lot of people feel this way at the moment during the pandemic!