Easier just to let people think I'm doing well even when I'm not??

[Buffaloskull]

Sorry this is a big ramble/anxiety ridden post and I just need to get it out.
By the title I mean when friends ask me how I'm doing, just to say I'm fine. Or when something happens or I'm feeling bad about something not to bother reaching out to friends and just keep my thoughts and feelings to myself, giving off an impression of everything being hunky dory when more often than not I feel like I'm failing/falling apart?

I have noticed recently that when talking to friends (a certain one in particular) about how I'm doing (when asked) if I tell them truthfully about how I am, I'm often hurt by the response I get back. I feel like things are either minimised or brushed off which just makes me feel worse.

Rant warning:
One friend in particular insists on giving me unsolicited advice even when I dont ask or I already have a plan of action.. this friend is male so im excusing it as him trying to "fix" a situation or come up with solutions because I've read that's how the Male brain tends to work, find solutions to 'problems' rather than just listen.. at times I find it quite patronising though because he will ASK how I am, so I tell him what's going on with me and what I'm doing etc , (I'm usually quite aware of myself/flaws and I like having goals (which I usually achieve) and like to work on/better myself.. I feel lost without having something to work towards.) But he'll reel off lists of things I SHOULD try and what I SHOULD and shouldn't be doing. I think it comes from a good place but I'm so fed up with him assuming I need his advice when I dont, he asks how I am so I tell him..I could understand if on these occasions I actually asked him for advice but I dont and I feel like he thinks that I'm in someway lesser than him and need his precious life advice (I'm actually way ahead of him in terms of life achievements but hes more spiritual and bangs on about it all the time when I don't ask. All good that being HIS thing but it's not mine and I'm not interested)
It would be nice just to be listened to, after all, he did ask! He rang me the other day for a catch up, I was telling him how things were (quite good!) Then he spent the rest of the call talking over me and telling me to do XYZ then ended the call. It was so odd.

Other things I've noticed is if something happens and I tell someone, I'm shot down or dismissed and it just makes me feel worse. These occasions I'm not actually asked, but Im upset about something so reach out to a friend and its dismissed so im left feeling 10× worse.

I do have anxiety and a tendency to catastrophise (sp?) So now I think maybe my friends are just sick of hearing it.. although I am careful not to overload my friends with things and it's very much give or take. I'm a good listener and give good, heartfelt advice (when asked!) So I suppose I expect the same back, but I dont often get it and am left feeling even worse or empty after some interactions.

So now I'm thinking just to keep all my thoughts and feelings to myself from now on to protect myself from feeling worse.

Thing is, on paper my life looks pretty dandy, but day to day I really dont feel that way. I still struggle with intrusive thoughts almost daily (after the birth of my 6 year old dc) I'm a single parent with no family, troubled up bringing etc so I'm often very lonely and a little bit of a lost soul. Although on paper, I have what I need and what's looks like a nice life. I'm just not really in it because of my mental health. But I guess others cant see and arent able to emphasize and wonder why I could feel the way I do and are even annoyed by the fact that I do when everything seems chusty on the outside.

I'm worried this will lead me to feeling more isolated or having thoughts swimming round my head making them seem bigger than they are, yet if I do tell people I feel worse so its like I'm caught between a rock and a hard place with this.
I also have a tendency to really regret opening up when I do because once its passed I often feel quite pathetic then worry the person thinks I'm ridiculous so obviously sharing isnt doing me any favours either 🙄

Anyone else just keep things to themselves to save their feelings? If so, how did it work out?

I wish I wasnt like this. 😔

Yes I've had counselling and take medication.

Disclaimer: I know my friends dont owe me and they're not there to be used as councillors so I'm really careful not to overload them. I do have good things going for me and am generally happy and fun to be around (believe it or not!) I'm kind and considerate and try hard to see the best in others.
This issue is with mostly with me and how I feel, I'm very sensitive but outwardly seem quite confident and together. Its bizarre
Thing is I wont even be able to say "I'm fine" because that leads to more questions. I'll just have to be straight up with this particular friend and say I dont what to talk about me.
As for the others I think it's a safe bet to keep things to myself from now on.

Please be kind if you decide to reply.. I dont want to regret posting this and then feel bad for doing so! 🙈

What you feel is completely normal. Jumping into fixing mode is usually sign of low emotional intelligence. It's not simply men thing. I'm a fixer but I stop myself when I listen to people and I also understand that it's impossible to fix any problem without deep knowledge about the issue (which comes from active listening).
I'm sure that your friend wants to help you but usually people like him are annoyed, uncomfortable or have a need to feel better about themselves on some subconscious level. That's why it feels off.
You probably would feel completely different if someone listened as well and then offered advice in a way that is not rushed, patronising or invalidating. There is nothing wrong with helping to fix something and constructive advice is great but it's all about nuances.

I'm like you, I'm highly sensitive person (not neurotic) although with time I learned to deal with it a bit better. I don't take things personally anymore and I try to set healthy boundaries between me and my surroundings (not saying it always works).

I also noticed that knowing what to expect from people really helps. For example you know that this particular friend is not very good with emotional support so you should stop expecting it from him and only confide in him if you need advice on a quick fix. But there are other people who can meet your emotional needs a bit better. And it does goes both ways so it's really important to be clear about our needs and communicate them to people. It's hard because we feel like others should just know but they often don't.

With realistic expectations, healthy boundaries and clear communications everything should get a little easier.

But it's all normal, there is nothing wrong with you.

[quote premium77]@LivBa I’m sorry but what you have written is enabling OP, not helping her. Basically you are saying most of the population aren’t empathetic but you are. So in other words you are gifted, and we all lack something you don’t. I’m sorry to laugh but I’ve never heard such nonsense.

I suspect you tell yourself that to validate your every emotion and justify anything deemed as an ‘overreaction’ so that you don’t have to acknowledge that most of the time your response to conflict is disproportionate to the issue at hand.

Sorry to burst your bubble but hyper sensitivity (and/or anxiety) is typically a response to trauma or stems from childhood (and the way their parents brought them up). It’s not a ‘gift’ as it can actually make you ill-prepared for the challenges of life and leaves you feeling low a lot of the time. As you spend a lot more time in your head ruminating about every detail rather than enjoying your life. To write a response like that is only enabling (and if anything ostracising) OP as you’re essentially saying there’s no need to change as everyone else is the problem.

OP has done so well to actually reach out to the GP and acknowledge that her current mental health (and potentially loneliness) is contributing to her feeling this way. I suspect a lot of people feel this way at the moment during the pandemic![/quote]
There is a huge difference between hyper sensitivity which is like having a chip on your shoulder and being naturally highly sensitive which means having ability to read and feel your environment and yourself. I have no childhood trauma. I'm also quite a calm person and quite low in neurotism yet I'm very sensitive even tho I don't take things personally and can regulate my emotions so people would not be able to even recognise it in me.
I sense people's emotions and have very strong empathy so when something is off in the way people relate to me I'm more likely to pick it up.
OP doesn't seem to be hyper sensitive because all the things that bother her in the way her friends approach her are indeed wrong (rather then just her exaggeration or projection) . She is just more likely to know that because of her empathy and awareness of her feelings.

@Lili132 exactly!

Quite hilarious that @premium77 poster actually went on to prove my point about the lack of understanding and also relatively low empathy in many people! 😄 Didn't even bother to read the link I posted right there and find out about the trait before launching in his/her ill informed tirade...