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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Was I in the wrong?

31 replies

onlygoingup · 23/05/2021 15:49

I split up with exP last year during lock down, it been coming for a while but one weekend it came to ahead, no abuse or anything. We'd been together 10 years.
We'd both been talking recently about possibly trying again but had been difficult to actually get time together due to him working away and he seemed hot and cold. All I asked was that he honest with me if there was anyone else on the scene.
I've had a feeling that he was seeing someone else while telling me that we'd be getting back together. This weekend he didn't have DC and said he had to work, now I'm 99% sure he didn't have work and had a weekend away with someone else. I messaged him this morning and basically said to him that I knew he wasn't alone, no reply.
When he's got back this way this afternoon he called to see if he could come see the DC. I asked if it could wait until next weekend as I didn't want to see him. He's denied being with anyone else and made out I was just being paranoid. We ended up having a bit of an argument on the phone and he accused me of stopping him from seeing the DC, which I haven't I just didn't want him coming here with stuff for the DC from a weekend away with OW.
He's now blocked me on all social media completely, so I know he's angry with me. Now I'm starting to have doubts as to if I did the right thing to ask him not to come, I've spent years keeping quiet when unhappy about something just so he wouldn't be annoyed. I've messaged him to say I wouldn't ever stop contact but I just didn't want to see him today. I full of doubt now about it all and worried I've made everything difficult for me and the DC.

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 23/05/2021 15:53

Why would you have had to see them? He could have told you when he was coming and picked them up without seeing you. You did stop him from seeing the children and you don’t even know he was away with anyone. You might be being paranoid, and either way you’ve stopped the kids seeing their dad for no reason and have punished them and him because you were in a mood.

MikeWozniaksGloriousTache · 23/05/2021 15:58

I don’t think you should have text him I know you’re not alone. If you had an inclination he was with someone else you should have discussed this face to face. Is there any proof or substantial evidence he was with another woman? I also think your children shouldn’t have missed out on seeing their dad because you didn’t want to see him. No he shouldn’t chop and change plans at your inconvenience but your only reasoning was “he might give them stuff from his weekend away”. He could have taken the kids out the house so you didn’t have to see him too.

Ultimately this sounds like a doomed relationship, there’s no trust and no communication. Walk away again now, it’ll be easier for everyone especially the children.

Aquamarine1029 · 23/05/2021 15:58

I'm wondering why you are making your life so difficult. This relationship is over. Getting back together would be a disaster and would just put you right back to where you were before you finally spilt. Your ex is dodgy and probably seeing someone, so just move on already. You need to allow him to see his kids.

premium77 · 23/05/2021 16:01

I don’t think you should stop him seeing his DC, that is wrong. And you don’t even have concrete proof.

Original poster

onlygoingup · 23/05/2021 16:02

I will admit I am paranoid but I do have good reasons to be. It wasn't to pick them up but to just come in and give them stuff. It's not his contact weekend, that's next weekend. If I stopped him at the door to not come in then I'd be saying why in front of the kids which I didn't want to happen. I've never stopped him coming round or in before (so it would be odd for me to today with telling the kids anything) no matter whats gone on but I just couldn't handle it this weekend.

OP posts:

Tk5787338 · 23/05/2021 16:02

Why couldn’t he come and take the kids out? I don’t think it’s fair to stop him seeing the kids just because you don’t want to see him.

ItsCokeFFS · 23/05/2021 16:02

You "had a feeling" - based on what?
You are "99% sure" - so you are not 100% sure
You have told him that you know he wasn't alone - how do you know this?

You have no proof for any of the above but you have refused to let him see his children.

Just place marking for the MASSIVE drip feed.

KarmaNoMore · 23/05/2021 16:03

Do you stop him from seeing the children to punish him because you thought he was with someone else?

Of course YABU, much more si if he normally sees them at the time he requested to see them.

On a more practical note, half hearted efforts to get back together only make the person who wants back more to feel more miserable and the one who is unsure more trapped.

PinkSatinMoon · 23/05/2021 16:05

What difference does Him seeing someone have ... I thought you were over ?

You really shouldn't stop him seeing the kids OP, but understand its all new.. 🌸

youvegottenminuteslynn · 23/05/2021 16:08

Do you stop him from seeing the children to punish him because you thought he was with someone else?

This. It would be a shitty thing to do in any situation, let alone one where you aren't even together anymore.

LawnFever · 23/05/2021 16:10

Well you did stop him seeing the kids, no wonder he’s pissed off.

You sound a little paranoid, and accused him of seeing someone on a hunch. If splitting up had been on the cards for a long time why are you bothering to consider getting back together?

Sounds like you’d be better moving on from this relationship.

Original poster

onlygoingup · 23/05/2021 16:12

@PinkSatinMoon we were meant to be getting back together so him seeing someone else did matter for that.

This is literally the first time in the last year that I have asked him not to come round when he asked to. Even when he was in a relationship with someone for months I never stopped him popping round even when she was with him. He even spend Christmas here.

Certain things that he put on social media and comments with it, I know he wasn't alone this weekend. It's not the first time and I know the signs.

OP posts:

Original poster

onlygoingup · 23/05/2021 16:15

We were meant to be giving our relationship another go that's why I was angry about this weekend.

Ok, I accept I was wrong on this occasion and will deal with the fall out.

@LawnFever your right I do need to move on, I always kind of hoped we'd work things out especially after what he'd said recently.

OP posts:

Skiptheheartsandflowers · 23/05/2021 16:17

These replies seem a bit harsh. The arrangement was he'd said he had to work this weekend so wasn't seeing the kids. They weren't expecting to see him so this hasn't suddenly deprived them of that. And on other threads the OP would be told she shouldn't feel she has to just fit around him whenever he feels like popping round. She's already said she spent years keeping quiet for the sake of keeping the peace.

OP, I would pick yourself up from this like a cat after a fall, and try to be calm and detached from now on with him. Don't say anything else about what he does in his personal life. It's probably good to take a break from all messaging and let everything calm down.

Original poster

onlygoingup · 23/05/2021 16:19

@KarmaNoMore No i didn't stop him today because of him seeing someone else, it was more to protect myself. He's had a relationship for a few months since we split but they finished and he asked to give us another go. I've haven't said no to him before about contact

OP posts:

Peace43 · 23/05/2021 16:20

You can stop him seeing the kids on your weekend. You have contact time arranged and you give the kids over on his contact time as agreed but you don’t have to let him find to see them at your place during your contact time! I don’t want my ex husband here on my DD weekend anymore than he wants me at his place on his weekend.

peboh · 23/05/2021 16:24

You are absolutely being unreasonable to stop him seeing his children based on your own feelings and theories. Children are not to be used as weapons within a bad relationship.

Original poster

onlygoingup · 23/05/2021 16:25

To make it clear, this wasn't his contact weekend or was it meant to be. It was him just wanting to pop round.

OP posts:

KarmaNoMore · 23/05/2021 16:26

Fair enough, if he wasn’t meant to spend that time with the kids that weekend, it was your right to say no whatever the reason.

peboh · 23/05/2021 16:27

Whilst I can empathise that it wasn't his weekend to have the children, and had you said you were busy then fair enough. You used your children as a weapon because you were angry at him. That isn't okay.

Original poster

onlygoingup · 23/05/2021 16:30

@peboh I haven't used my children as a weapon. I have always worked round when he was free to have them and cancelled many things when he's changed weekends. This was my weekend and it was just to pop in to see them that I said no to.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 23/05/2021 16:31

I think you need to stick to agreed contact from now on.

Seeing as though you are so upset I think it's entirely reasonable that you didn't host him being in your home! I don't think the atmosphere would have been good for the DC.

Original poster

onlygoingup · 23/05/2021 16:39

@RandomMess Yeah we do, we'd finally agreed a routine after many months of it changing when he needed it to. Your right I didn't want an atmosphere around the children which would of been difficult to mask, especially if i kept quiet he would of kept asking what was up.

OP posts:

Lillygolightly · 23/05/2021 16:40

So he either wanted to pop round to talk you round so that you’d back down

He wanted to pop round spoil the kids with attention and stuff in front of you whilst freezing you out to make you feel bad and guilty so that you’d back down.

Otherwise he would just stick to his contact weekend as arranged, wouldn’t he? What was so urgent that he had to see the kids on this day, unplanned and not previously arranged? Nothing except the fact that you had called him out OP, so he wanted to call round so he could manipulate the situation one way or another.

He’s not blocked you because he’s pissed he can’t see the kids today, he’s blocked you because he is pissed he’s been caught out and his attempts to rescue and bullshit his way out the situation have been rebuffed.

LTB again!

FunMcCool · 23/05/2021 16:45

You weren’t back together, but yes you have a right to be annoyed. You shouldn’t have stopped him coming to give the kids gifts. You could have gone into another room.

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