Stay unhappy or be selfish?

[imahorriblepersonarenti]

I can't believe I'm even writing this and am not sure if I'm having some sort of mid life crisis. A very close relative died a couple of months ago and it's honestly making me question everything.

DH and I have been together since we were 18/19, married young and now have a 3 and 4 year old.

I'm not happy. From the outside people would think I'm mad because he's an amazing Dad, good secure job, generous and selfless over most things but I just feel I've been flogging a dead horse for a while now and I can't shake it.

I just want to be single. There's zero passion and sexual chemistry. I can't remember the last time we had sex. I definitely have rejected him but he's also never been one to really instigate it anyway.
He can be really blunt in how he talks to me and when I was younger I found it funny and gave him the same chat back but I don't find it funny anymore.

He was on the phone to the hospital talking about an appointment for our son and went to go for a wee whilst on the phone, I looked at him disapprovingly because in my opinion it's gross and the person on the phone could probably tell he was weeing. I whispered don't do that. He held the phone on his chest and said fuck off. It was like a lightbulb went off. I don't find that funny anymore. In jest absolutely I tell people to fuck off all the time and I'm quite a sweaty person but never seriously.

I've had some holiday over the last couple of weeks and been on so many day trips by myself it felt liberating to not consider anyone else or the comments if I don't want to do something and DH does. I felt like an independent grown up for the first time.

I'm 34 and will ruin myself financially going ahead with this but I don't even care anymore. I feel like I'd rather be broke than keeping up this facade but then I look at my children and feel so selfish.

We are planning to move to the "forever" home next year so the dcs can live in an amazing house and we'd be able to afford holidays etc. But if we separate none of that will be possible and I'm the one that would be choosing that.

Sweary* person!

Before making any huge life changing decisions, have you thought about seeking therapy to work out if feeling like this is to do with the death of your friend? Have you spoken to your husband about the way he speaks to you and could you also suggest therapy with him? Whilst I understand why you'd want to leave, it would be wise to try to work with your husband to fix these things instead of shooting from the hip. It's easy to tie yourself up in knots about these things so speaking to someone would at the very least help you understand if leaving is absolutely what you want. It's not selfish, you need to be happy.

Apologies, your relative, not friend.

@MaMaD1990 thanks for your reply. I do think therapy could possibly help although I've felt like this long before my relative died. It's just making me think, is this really it. I'm going to plod along, with someone who's essentially a room mate for the sake of the dcs who will soon grow up and live independently and I'll probably still feel the same years down the line. We spend our evenings separately and I honestly prefer that.

He doesn't give me any attention whatsoever. Even little things like when I'm talking to him he just walks off mid sentence. I've told him how rude and shitty it is but he just shrugs "sorry" and does it again.

I did wonder about us both speaking to someone but then I also feel like do we really need a professional for you to listen to me when I'm telling you I find your behaviour beyond rude and disrespectful.

Do you think he is happy?

@Fyredraca he says he is and said it's just the challenges of young dcs. Which I get but I do feel guilty.

I feel like he deserves someone who adores him and the dcs would be better off seeing a relationship like that.

But they would be heartbroken not seeing us both everyday. Even getting them to nursery is the biggest fight in the world. I can only imagine how hard it would be on them to separate.

I think if you’re going to leave, now would be better than waiting a few more years. The younger the children are when you split, the better they adapt to the situation. A 3 and 4 year old are not going to understand the implications of losing the big house and holidays, whereby if you wait a few more years, they will, and it would then be more difficult. You can’t just settle for the life you have if you’re unhappy as it’s very unlikely your feelings will change, and as the years pass by, it will be harder to break the family up. If you’re unhappy, this will project onto your DCs, so far better for them to have a happy mum, although life is never going to be a breeze being a single mum, but you will be happier in yourself.

Is it childish of me to need attention? I don't need it constantly but just occasionally would be nice.

I work so hard to look nice and I get nothing from him unless asked. And then it's met with a "you look good" "or great".

Is this just normal long term relationship stuff and I'm missing something here. I get that it won't be like the honeymoon period for long but I literally feel invisible.

Honestly I think you should have therapy so you can sort out what you want and be sure you won't regret it.
You sound unhappy, I'm sure there are valid reasons why but you seem very concerned about whether what you want is selfish and that you would be ruining everyone's lives. So I think it's important that you know for sure.
It can be really helpful to talk it through in a structured way with someone who is not emotionally involved.
The fact is that you can end the relationship for any reason you want to. Your kids will adapt, especially if you co-parent well. It's not selfish to want more than a roommate who can't be civil.
However your kids are young and it does get easier once they are in school, the pandemic has affected everyone and you have had a bereavement. It's not always wise to make massive decisions in haste when you are grieving.

Is it childish of me to need attention? I don't need it constantly but just occasionally would be nice

Of course it’s not childish! I mean why do you want a relationship at all, with any one? For most people it’s for companionship, sex, affection, someone to laugh and share life with. If those things arent being fulfilled, what’s the point of it?

Is he an "amazing dad" in the sense that he is great with all the dull responsible parts of parenting; doesn't leave the mental load to you; and generally takes an active role in caring for the children, dealing with the difficult stuff and agreeing important decisions with you?

Or in the sense that he plays with them and does fun things?

Regardless, I'm not sure I'd class any man who disrespects his children's mother on a regular basis as an "amazing dad" .

@imahorriblepersonarenti
I agree with therapy. So many people throw in the towel so easily. You've not even gone for counselling yet

By your own admission, you're both sweary people so you went into it knowing how he's like...putting it bluntly it's you who's changed on that aspect. It's not too late though to address the current issues in the relationship.

I would be very mad if someone told me to F off like your DH did (I've never found that sort of swearing funny anyway) but to be honest it's his phone call, why did you interfere with something that doesn't concern you...you telling him off in the middle of him being in a call (even if the other person didn't hear you) and speaking to him like a child was really rude. I agree with you, I wouldn't wee whilst on the phone but why does it matter what a randomer on the phone thinks - if your DH is not bothered by it. You need to let the small stuff go - do you generally 'talk down' at him?

What do you get out of this relationship now?. How are your needs being met within this still?.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?.

You got married very young and you had no real life experience behind you.

Did your now deceased relative know much about your life with your H?. What did this person think of your H?. Your relative's passing seems to have been the actual catalyst that made you assess your relationship with your H now. You had thought about this before but their death had crystallised more thoughts in your mind. Trying to please everyone else and or attempting to keep them happy only leaves you as the pleaser even more unhappy and unfulfilled. People pleasing as well stems from having low self esteem.

I do not like the ways your H talks at you here; it's abusive and stems from his own inadequecies as a person and wanting to keep you down and silent. It would only be a few years before your kids start potentially doing the same to you because they would see that you tolerate it from their dad. This relationship as it is is no legacy to leave your children. Your H won't change and he seems quite happy
as he is acting as he does.

Staying for the sake of the children is not a good idea and in your case a particularly bad one. They won't say thanks mum either to you for doing that to them because it teaches them that your relationship was based on a lie.

If you do leave then do so whilst your children are this age rather than when they are in their teens or even worse just off to university. You have your whole life in front of you; do not waste in on such a man. I feel like YOU deserve someone who adores you. Why are you caring so much about what you think he deserves, you bloody matter here so stop with putting your own self last!!!!!.

Seek counselling from the likes of BACP for your own self here to further crystallise your thoughts.

Women in poor relationships too OP often write the good dad comment or versions of it when they can think of nothing else positive to write about their man.

Is it childish of me to need attention? I don't need it constantly but just occasionally would be nice

I’m going to be totally honest and say yes, a bit.

But the other things - fuck off, walking away when you’re speaking - that’s not what I’d want to model to my children.

@user11838686969686
I think you've hit the nail on the head.

My children blatantly prefer his company and it makes me feel like shit.

I've started working more and do 4 days a week now and I'm having to micromanage him for basic things like can you return that parcel when you go to work, remind him, remind him again. The dcs need new clothes, he'll keep commenting we need to get this or we need to get that. And I'm literally screaming inside just do it then!! Then I'm the grump mummy and I get on with all of the deep cleaning mundane bollocks whilst he plays with them in the garden.

I'm resentful that they definitely prefer his company. Which adds to the worry I guess that I'll be the one who decided to leave.

Stop with micromanaging him. He is an adult and if he does not want to do any adulting behaviours that show real competence that is down to him. You have two children already, you do not need a third one in the shape of him to run around after.

He does not do what you ask also because he does not care, its not that important to him and he sees that as your job. He being the Big Man and Disney Dad to his kids (you being seen as Authoritarian Mummy because he is the Fun Dad) is far more important to him because image to him is everything. The fact you do the vast amount of the grunt work re your children is immaterial to him.

I would consider seeking legal advice re the practicalities of separation and divorce. Knowledge here is power and you do not have to act on that straight away.

It sounds like the mental load falls on you. I carry the mental load for our family even though I work and two of our children have disabilities. It causes a lot of resentment and my dh hasn’t changed his behaviour.

You could seem counselling or maybe the relationship just doesn’t work anymore. You may have grown and changed and he hasn’t. My husband has some behaviours that I don’t think are right but his family are the same. It’s easy to be the fun one, if you aren’t shouldering all the responsibility.

I think you need to talk to him and explain you are unhappy and the reasons why. Also that this cld result in divorce. It's so hard with little ones to maintain ur relationship to what it was before. Maybe some counselling too. Give it 6 months to a year and if U feel the same then get out.

I've got 1yr old and 4yr old and we don't have time for ourselves never mind each other. It's just a constant mad house and we are absolutely exhausted. I still love him though.

This is very sad. You are together a long time and meeting someone in their teens is very different to meeting someone in their 30s.
He's got complacent. I would pull my dh up on stuff (but he is 40) and he takes it on board. But if yours is not listening then maybe a short separation might help.
By the way I do all of the mental load. Shopping food purchasing. Deep cleaning and clothes buying and all admin for the house. Dh would spend his time outside and on DIY. But I have accepted that and have gone part time to accommodate this.

Thanks all so much for your comments. I'm reading them all and taking them all in.

I'm on the fence about therapy. We seem to be in a cycle of me reaching breaking point, losing my shit over the most ridiculous things that he just "forgets" it gets better for a week then back again in the same cycle. Do people really change after therapy?

Can manage to hold a decent, responsible job down but can't remember to do basic adulting. I feel it's done no favours moving from his parents house to living with me.

I don't know, I feel like I've got the ick and have reached breaking point when I should have maybe sought fixing it sooner.

got the ick - no, come on, you aren’t a teenager.

If counselling or therapy is to be considered do this on your own. He would not likely want to attend any sessions.

I would state that this is who he is and always has been. There is no will for him to change and why would he want to when he has you carrying the mental load for him?.

You only get one shot at life here and you were not put on this earth to be a fixer or rescuer in any relationship, let alone in a relationship with your H. Trying to be either in a relationship does not work.

@Babymeanswashing sorry that's the only way I can describe it.

On the rare occasion he does try to hug me I just want him to get off of me.

I just feel annoyed. All the time. I'm not trying to sound like a teenager!

If you want to stop the rinse and repeat cycle you have going on with this man you're going to have to completely remove yourself from it.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?. From what you write nothing. Do not use your children here as any sort of reason to remain with this man.