Stay unhappy or be selfish?

[imahorriblepersonarenti]

I can't believe I'm even writing this and am not sure if I'm having some sort of mid life crisis. A very close relative died a couple of months ago and it's honestly making me question everything.

DH and I have been together since we were 18/19, married young and now have a 3 and 4 year old.

I'm not happy. From the outside people would think I'm mad because he's an amazing Dad, good secure job, generous and selfless over most things but I just feel I've been flogging a dead horse for a while now and I can't shake it.

I just want to be single. There's zero passion and sexual chemistry. I can't remember the last time we had sex. I definitely have rejected him but he's also never been one to really instigate it anyway.
He can be really blunt in how he talks to me and when I was younger I found it funny and gave him the same chat back but I don't find it funny anymore.

He was on the phone to the hospital talking about an appointment for our son and went to go for a wee whilst on the phone, I looked at him disapprovingly because in my opinion it's gross and the person on the phone could probably tell he was weeing. I whispered don't do that. He held the phone on his chest and said fuck off. It was like a lightbulb went off. I don't find that funny anymore. In jest absolutely I tell people to fuck off all the time and I'm quite a sweaty person but never seriously.

I've had some holiday over the last couple of weeks and been on so many day trips by myself it felt liberating to not consider anyone else or the comments if I don't want to do something and DH does. I felt like an independent grown up for the first time.

I'm 34 and will ruin myself financially going ahead with this but I don't even care anymore. I feel like I'd rather be broke than keeping up this facade but then I look at my children and feel so selfish.

We are planning to move to the "forever" home next year so the dcs can live in an amazing house and we'd be able to afford holidays etc. But if we separate none of that will be possible and I'm the one that would be choosing that.

I left when my daughter was 7, for similar reasons to yours. Great guy, no longer for me.

Its not selfish. Its life affirming.

15 years on hes very happy with a lovely lady. I'm very happily single.

Such a relief

It isn’t, what you said there ‘if he tries to hug me I want him to get off me and I feel annoyed all the time’ - so so so much better than ‘the ick.’

[quote imahorriblepersonarenti]@Babymeanswashing sorry that's the only way I can describe it.

On the rare occasion he does try to hug me I just want him to get off of me.

I just feel annoyed. All the time. I'm not trying to sound like a teenager![/quote]
'the ick' is a perfectly fine and reasonable way to describe the feeling, because we all know what you mean. Ignore anyone trying to lecture you. I hope you manage to sort things out.

got the ick - no, come on, you aren’t a teenager

I don’t know if I’m reading the tone of this post right, but can we stop shaming a woman’s sexuality? It’s ignored, shamed and minimised by society enough as it is, to suggest adult women should have no sexual agency of their own as it’s something we should grow out of, is insulting.

I don't think it's selfish to want a little attention. My OH tells me all the time I'm lovely, kind and funny. It's worked wonders for my self esteem as growing up, I always felt ugly. I tell him he's lovely, too. ( He is really handsome, though). That's what makes relationships work ; a mutual respect and having your partner's back.
He would never walk away from me mid sentence, and if he did, I would be really upset. But he loves me so doesn't want me to be upset.
I think your relationship has ran its course. I would sit him down and discuss the future and how you can coparent effectively.

I can see why that casual fuck off would be a death knell.

However, I would take it a bit slowly to work out your feelings and also make sure you are as little fucked as poss.

How long have you got till you have to make a house decision? 6 months? I’d go see a counsellor, sounds like a good moment to figure out what you want in life - also to talk about work - and how to up your income etc. Gather all your financial info. See a solicitor - what will the money and custody split be? Sort out what you will do for childcare and where you will live in your budget w decent schools. And then call it - do this over 6 months and if your feelings change you can break - if you know they won’t it’s still the best way to prepare for a life change.

@imahorriblepersonarenti sorry if I was unclear, I meant therapy alone. I didn't mean marriage counselling.
You need to know what you want and make a decision about your feelings.

Can you imagine being happy with home once dc are gone ? If no then you need to leave now. You will be wasting your life and his to stay with someone you know you don't want to be with. Life is short don't waste it

I’m not shaming anyone for their sexuality and dont know why anyone thinks I am.

But the ‘ick’ is a phrase originating from a young women’s magazine about going off someone you’re casually dating. It isn’t really applicable to long term relationships or marriages and it’s a bit immature to use it in that context.

Just a little update as I really appreciated the messages I received last time.

I've spoken to DH and he isn't happy either but feels it's better to stay together for the sake of the dcs. I don't agree with this at all.

He's asked if I'm seeing someone else because I'm constantly mentioning new male work colleagues. I'm not but I did admit that honestly one of the contributors to me making the decision was that I have more back and forth with work colleagues, new and old.

My opinion is never asked for in conversation with dh. He walks away when I'm talking or let's the dcs completely talk over me. As in he doesn't correct them politely to wait their turn, just looks at them and blanks me.

How do I go about this as the next step? Solicitor for advice?

By back and forth I mean conversation. Nothing else

Yes re Solicitor to seek legal advice.

Re your comment:-
"He's asked if I'm seeing someone else because I'm constantly mentioning new male work colleagues. I'm not but I did admit that honestly one of the contributors to me making the decision was that I have more back and forth with work colleagues, new and old."

Yet another red flag in terms of him too. He wants to keep you both down and silent. He's also using his children here as a way to get back at you too.

I don’t think the fact he asked whether you’re seeing someone else is a red flag. He knows you’re unhappy and he’s noticed a behaviour change, on MN it’s referred to as ‘mentionitis’ when a man mentions a female colleague constantly for example. If he’s picked up on you mentioning a male colleague a lot, he may think it’s this and I don’t think that’s unreasonable of him especially since he just enquired rather than actively accusing you.

Anyway, that aside. You’re both unhappy which you have admitted to one another. I would personally always attempt marriage counselling before diving straight into divorce. You got together very young and had limited life experience before so it’s extremely common to become complacent and not be as excited by one another especially with young DC involved. Also common for relationships to stagnate with young children around, even the strongest of relationships do. If you’re remotely interested in salvaging the marriage, counselling is definitely worth a shot first.

I do agree that it’s better to separate when the DC are this age rather than older, it’s easier for younger children to accept.

Sometimes, when you wake up to how shit a situation is, you wake up to all of it. It's not some slow dawning, it's a blinding light, and you see everything crystal clear. As if you were sleepwalking through life before.

I think you're right to leave, you're right to pursue your own happiness. Your children will adapt, and they will be better off having 2 happy, separate parents, than 2 miserable together ones.

@imahorriblepersonarenti sorry if you've already said, but is he up for marriage counselling?

How are you getting on OP? I'm very much in your situation and trying to figure out my next move. Have you contacted a solicitor? My DH and I have been together for 12 years and I'm terrified.

You're not the same person you were at 18/19 years old. People grow up. And grow apart. There's nothing wrong with that. Is this it for you? Is it enough? If not, best to go now and start again.

Honestly, people grow andas they grow some intertwine themselves better together and other grow apart.

I wish more people had the guts to accept the relationship is dead and that a pretty house or a nice income doesn’t make a happy home for the children to grow up as well rounded individuals when their parents can barely bear the sight of each other.

Becoming a single mum is not a walk-in the park, but it is 100 times better than staying put for the children, or better said... for the money and status.

Try to save the relationship if you can, but if things donor become better after trying, don’t feel selfish, you tried, you are free.

You're both unhappy, but he's got an 'easier' time of it doesn't he ?

You do all the hard work, and he gets to ignore you, be rude to you and encourage your children to ignore you too. He gets to be the 'Disney Dad', but without the hassle of keeping his own house clean, doing his own washing etc

At some point, he will probably bring up a conversation like 'we both know we're only together for the kids, so it makes sense if we agree that we can see other people' (And we know that what this really means is that he feels 'entitled' to have affairs, but you will be crucified/shamed by him if you do it !)

You can't talk to him, you can't stand him touching you and you're not happy. There's really nothing to be gained by any of you (including DC) in staying in a truly loveless and dead marriage.

Stringing out the 'death throes' will only hurt you and the DC, so I'd advise a quick, clean break. You deserve to be happy, and so does every member of your family. Living a lie only hurts you all.