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Original poster

Would you leave your 1year old for 2 months?

47 replies

Lb1204 · 23/05/2021 08:54

Just that really. Some context: I'm not asking for myself or planning on doing it. But when I was one my DM left to go travelling for 2 months. I stayed with my DF and his sister. I've always struggled with emotional issues and a fear of abandonment, I've recently started therapy and the therapist suggested that my DM leaving at this age might be why...although I can't really remember it happening.

I don't have DC so I can't really judge for myself whether this is normal...but I feel like it's probably not? So those with DC, would you do this?

OP posts:
OldWivesTale · 23/05/2021 09:07

Absolutely no way. I wouldn't have left my one year old for a week. I do think that this would have a huge impact on the development of a baby and could lead to attachment issues. It also indicates to me that the mother had not really bonded with her child for whatever reason. I'm sorry that your mother did this to you.

tiredanddangerous · 23/05/2021 09:08

No way! My dc are 11 and 13 now and I wouldn't leave them for that long. I'm not sure I'd be happy to leave them for 2 weeks, never mind 2 months!

I'm sorry you're struggling op Flowers

Somuddled · 23/05/2021 09:09

I don't think many mothers would do this unless it couldn't be avoided. Have you discussed it directly with your mum? You say she went traveling but perhaps there was another reason? I only suggest it as a friend was institutionalised for 3, months when her child was 4 and they tell her that it was for a holiday because they feel the truth would be harder to cope with (I think it's a terrible lie personally)

Twickerhun · 23/05/2021 09:10

No I definitely wouldn’t have done. But I can see why some Mothers suffering with PND or not having support might walk away for a while. It can be an incredibly hard time which stretches your mental health to breaking. I don’t think parents should leave their kids but I know life isn’t always as simplistic as it should be.

Mumdiva99 · 23/05/2021 09:10

No way would I have ever done that. It could definitely lead to issues for you in later life. Even though you don't remember it as such, the feeling of being left can be imprinted. (I say this as the sort of pragmatic person who poo poos a lot of what I consider airy fairy naval gazing stuff....but this is most definitely real).

JadedStrumpet · 23/05/2021 09:13

Absolutely not. I didn't even let my twins stay overnight with grandparents at a year old.

Leaving them for any length of time would have been unthinkable. What your mum did isn't normal mum behavior at all.

JadedStrumpet · 23/05/2021 09:15

Oh and I absolutely believe being by her could have caused your issues now. You may not remember as such but I think the damage could still be done.

malikaqi · 23/05/2021 09:15

No I didn't. In fact my child is now in secondary school and the longest we've been apart was due to a 4 day school trip on their part!

Florin · 23/05/2021 09:16

No I couldn’t even do an overnight at that age.

5566rfghh · 23/05/2021 09:16

Initially I was like no way. But then I remembered that before my little brother was born, my parents dropped me down to my grandparents, who lived in a different county, three hours away, for three weeks. I was 1.5 years old. I apparently loved it though and I always had a very close relationship with my grandparents, much closer than my four younger siblings. So I suppose it really depends on the child and the circumstances.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 23/05/2021 09:17

No and never would. My children are all teenagers and I still wouldn’t leave them for that long by choice

5566rfghh · 23/05/2021 09:18

Two months is a long time though. Have you spoken to your mother about why she left for this long?

BunnyRuddington · 23/05/2021 09:19

Mine didn't even have an overnight until they were 3. Totally agree that it has probably affected you more than you have realised.

Anothernamebitesthedust · 23/05/2021 09:20

No I wouldn’t. I wouldn’t now and they’re a lot bigger than that. I can quite understand how that sort of trauma would leave an imprint, even if you don’t remember.

I agree with PPs though - can you try to understand more about why this happened, did she really go travelling? And if so, why? PND, some other illness, mental health or otherwise? I don’t think it will change what’s happening to you but some broader context may help your recovery? Wish you all the best.

Mylittlepony374 · 23/05/2021 09:26

No chance. Not until they were old enough to understand why I was gone and have some understanding of time, so they'd know when I was coming back.

FricasseeTurnips · 23/05/2021 09:26

I couldn't.
A parent I know sent their then 15 month old to live with her parents until the beginning of reception because he was ill a lot. We live 10 mins from a major hospital with paeds A&E, her parents lived in a village in South America somewhere, 6 hours from the nearest airport which wasn't a direct flight from the UK, and no where near a hospital. To her it was perfectly acceptable but she still had an older child she was dropping and collecting from nursery 9-12 so it's not like she was abdicating all parental duties - just for that child.

tweettweettweettweet · 23/05/2021 09:26

I didn't do that to my dc when they were little, however, I did work 3 days a week when my eldest dc was little. So technically I did leave her on a regular basis. She was in nursery. The theory of the mother having to be the main caregiver has been debunked several times. Having a secure base and caregiver is the most important thing in child development.
I wonder what triggered your mum to go traveling. It probably wasn't as simple as you were told. The first year is so intense.

sweetypop · 23/05/2021 09:26

No I wouldn't ever even now they're all over the age of 8... I don't think it's good for your therapist to suggest and put ideas into your head though. You should be discovering these things for yourself in your own time

PerveenMistry · 23/05/2021 09:27

People on military deployment do it all the time. If the child has other warm and loving caregivers it shouldn't be a problem.

IND1A · 23/05/2021 09:28

Defo speak to your mother . It’s quite possible that she was in hospital.

My MIL was in hospital for many months after her first child was born as she had TB.

Original poster
Lb1204 · 23/05/2021 09:30

Wow, I feel quite overwhelmed reading these responses. Thank you to everyone who replied. Although I don't remember it clearly, I do have this vague sense/feeling (which has never really gone away) of being very small and alone and terrified and feeling like something has been taken away from me, if that makes any sense!

I know that she definitely went travelling. She went with her own DM and a friend and the three of them have often chatted about it when I've been there and told stories. My sister and I also got presents from the places she had been, definitely confirming she had actually been there (e.g. t shirt from Sydney Opera House). She went travelling again for 2 months when I was around 6-7, my younger brother was 2-3 years old then so there seems to be a bit of a pattern of her leaving when a DC is that age. I have thought that there might be something more going on, some sort of PND perhaps but she has never mentioned it and always speaks v fondly of these trips. I would like to discuss it more with her but wouldn't know how to do that? We don't have a great relationship and I think she'd get quite defensive, any advice?

OP posts:
Friendlyghostmama · 23/05/2021 09:34

Do none of you ever have to travel for work? I had to take a 10 day business trip and leave my 14 month old with his dad (who happens to be primary carer while I work) and by the tone of the replies here that is unthinkable.

I co-sleep, spend all my non working hours with him, and firmly believe that 10 days once a year won't cause any harm whatsoever and is essential for me to put a roof over his head.

That said, I'm a military brat, so grew up with a parent away with work 6-9 months a year.

MummytoGeorgie · 23/05/2021 09:35

My old friend let her 10 month old baby girl go to Australia with her partners NAN for 3 months. He had his first party over there. When I asked her why she had done it she said because it was good for her. I begged to differ and told her he wouldn't remember it and she said "at least he will have photos".

Absolute fool.

I wouldn't leave my child for a week let alone that amount of time.

I hope you sort your issues! X

BunnyRuddington · 23/05/2021 09:36

I would like to discuss it more with her but wouldn't know how to do that? We don't have a great relationship and I think she'd get quite defensive, any advice? if she's defensive, I'm not sure talking to her would be beneficial to you. We are fed an image of loving Mums so much by the media and it seems a societal expectation that all Mums are living and have a great relationship, especially with their DDs. It can be difficult to actually accept and then verbalise that in fact your DM is nothing like that loving image.

Personally I wouldn't speak to her about it. If she's anything like my M she will downplay how you feel anyway because it doesn't fit the image she likes to project of herself.

Nonmaquillee · 23/05/2021 09:37

No way, never.

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