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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would you leave your 1year old for 2 months?

47 replies

Lb1204 · 23/05/2021 08:54

Just that really. Some context: I'm not asking for myself or planning on doing it. But when I was one my DM left to go travelling for 2 months. I stayed with my DF and his sister. I've always struggled with emotional issues and a fear of abandonment, I've recently started therapy and the therapist suggested that my DM leaving at this age might be why...although I can't really remember it happening.

I don't have DC so I can't really judge for myself whether this is normal...but I feel like it's probably not? So those with DC, would you do this?

OP posts:
AtiaoftheJulii · 23/05/2021 09:39

You could ask her whether she experienced any disapproval from friends/peers? Then she might explain why she felt it was important for her.

Personally I think the first person exciting disapproval if I'd done that would have been my own mother, but you've said hers went with her!

fibeee · 23/05/2021 09:42

Absolutely not. Right now I can’t see how I could leave my 13 month old overnight with someone never mind any longer.

BergamotMouse · 23/05/2021 09:46

I believe this could have directly caused the issues you're struggling with.

Look up bowlby's maternal deprivation theory and the studies by Robertson in hospital stays of children in the 1950s

lovemakespeace · 23/05/2021 09:48

I could never ever have done this either. I think I left one of them once for one night at that age.

I wouldn't leave them for more than a week now, even with their dad who they are very close to and they are 5, 6 and 8.

If you read up on attachment theory then I expect some things will resonate sadly.

5566rfghh · 23/05/2021 09:49

Do you have a good relationship with your Dad and Aunt though? Two months is quite a long time for her to leave. However if she was leaving you with people you knew, loved and trusted, would it have been the cause of your abandment issues?

Also to everyone saying that they still haven't been away from older children / teens etc. that can also cause issues. I had a friend, who at 18, having never been away from her parents, was extremely nervous and unwilling to stay away for 1 night at this age... and still struggles with attachment issues. It is often necessary to leave your kids for longish periods of time, work trips etc, and I do think it can benefit them, increasing confidence and independence, and not having them completely reliant on one person.

DreamingNow · 23/05/2021 09:49

No I wouldn’t go away for 2 months like this UNLESS there was a REALLY good reason (I’m thinking illness etc....)

5566rfghh · 23/05/2021 09:53

abandonment*

JaninaDuszejko · 23/05/2021 09:57

It's very unusual and I think it's likely your mother was ill (either physically or mentally) before she did that. There will have been a reason that she thought it was the best thing to do. You were with your father and your aunt so you were being cared for by your family (would a therapist ever suggest to someone that they are permanently damaged because their DF worked away while they were young)? It's more likely that whatever caused her to go away when you were one continued having effects on her and how she bonded with you for several years afterwards. Poor you and your poor Mum as well.

Keepmekeeping · 23/05/2021 09:59

No not at all. I had to be coaxed on to the plane when dp and I went for a 3 night break leaving kids who were 7 and 2.5. They were perfectly safe with my mum who I trust but the idea of being so far started to freak me out as soon as we checked in.

My sister used to leave her dd with us for days/weeks and not be in touch as far as she sees it her kid was looked after so it's fine.

Different views.

VettiyaIruken · 23/05/2021 10:03

Not through choice I wouldn't.

tweettweettweettweet · 23/05/2021 10:08

@5566rfghh

Do you have a good relationship with your Dad and Aunt though? Two months is quite a long time for her to leave. However if she was leaving you with people you knew, loved and trusted, would it have been the cause of your abandment issues?

Also to everyone saying that they still haven't been away from older children / teens etc. that can also cause issues. I had a friend, who at 18, having never been away from her parents, was extremely nervous and unwilling to stay away for 1 night at this age... and still struggles with attachment issues. It is often necessary to leave your kids for longish periods of time, work trips etc, and I do think it can benefit them, increasing confidence and independence, and not having them completely reliant on one person.

This!!! The attachment figure does not need to be the mother.
Tk5787338 · 23/05/2021 10:16

I personally wouldn’t leave either of my DC at that age.
I don’t think that your entire issues come from that one experience, I think it’s a bit simplistic of your therapist to say that however I wonder if your relationship with your mum across your childhood is more the source.
Things like this can happen where mums are seriously ill and away in hospital but if there’s a loving secure relationship around this time then the impact on the child will be lessened and go with time but if there is an ongoing relationship where a child’s emotional needs aren’t being met then that’s more likely to be the source.

JeanClaudeVanDammit · 23/05/2021 10:21

I wouldn’t.

However I don’t think it’s possible to remember anything from being 1. That’s absolutely not to say it hasn’t had an impact on you, but the idea of remembering feeling small and alone seems like it could be projection. You think you would have felt that way so have turned how you feel about it now into a ‘memory’ from the time.

dottiedodah · 23/05/2021 10:21

I dont think I could have done that .However we seem to be constantly fed a whole dripfeed of loving mothers to be ,mothers EBF, mothers not putting baby down at all! This seems to me a more or less recent thing.Some years ago it was seen as more socially acceptable to smoke when pregnant ,go out and have fun and baby wont remember so its OK! Many wealthy women would have done similar .My Nieces friend remembers similar as her DF worked away and her DM went with him .Several people being looked after by DGP as well .

marauder1994 · 23/05/2021 10:24

I personally wouldn't.

However, my DP leaves for 6 weeks at a time for work and comes back for 2 weeks.

Hen2018 · 23/05/2021 10:33

I wouldn’t leave my 17 year old for 2 months!

Ratatattatpat · 23/05/2021 10:42

If she was happy leaving you for 2 months to go in holiday she probably wasn't very close to you even when she was there. This would probably have bigger consequences for you than the actual 2 month period of absence. A mother and baby with a typical relationship who had to be separated for 2 months because of a family emergency or unavoidable work or for health reasons would have a more secure bond and the baby probably would not suffer in later life. Your mother left you to have fun for a couple of months implying she was happier without her baby around and as she did it again with your brother she was unlikely to have regretted it or missed you too much when she was away. She may not have been good at forming relationships with her children. Obviously you know this is nothing to do with you everything to do with her.

lovablequalities · 23/05/2021 11:00

I know lots of fathers who leave for two months and more regularly for work. I've met a couple of mums who've done it occasionally. I leave my crew every year for 7-10 days for a work trip. I don't know if I would go longer but it certainly doesn't bother my bairns. They're with their dad not strangers.

Lovelanguedoc · 23/05/2021 11:08

Didn't the queen leave Prince Charles with nannies for 6 months when he was young? I wouldn't say he turned out to be the most balanced of adults.

Original poster
Lb1204 · 23/05/2021 11:11

Do you have a good relationship with your Dad and Aunt though? Two months is quite a long time for her to leave. However if she was leaving you with people you knew, loved and trusted, would it have been the cause of your abandment issues?

Unfortunately I don't have a good relationship with my DP, he was quite violent throughout my childhood, maybe another reason who she wanted to get away? Also, my older sister had a quite serious illness at this stage, maybe the stress of that made her want to get away? I'm trying to understand this from my DMs point of view.

To everyone highlighting that men leave their children for longer times, I agree! I hate the double standard and feel guilty for being angry at my mum for this.

OP posts:
DreamingNow · 23/05/2021 11:17

he was quite violent throughout my childhood, maybe another reason who she wanted to get away?

I agree that leaving a 1yo with their dad shouldn’t be traumatic. However leaving them. when the father is violent and another child is serioulsy ill ... that’s a whole different level.
I. appreciate you want to find reasons why your DM acted like thiis. But I’m struggling to find any.

Natsku · 23/05/2021 12:18

I'm sorry OP, I hope therapy does help.

I had to leave my DD for 3 weeks when she was a year old as I was in hospital and I do think it caused some issues and that was with regular video calls and a couple of visits, so two months without any of that does seem like it could cause some issues.

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