No sex for two years

[Strawbsandcream2]

I feel stupid and embarrassed for writing this and so so so upset and frustrated.

It’s been over two years since I last had sex when my last relationship broke up. That had lasted a year. Prior to that I hadn’t had sex for 3 years.

Ive only had sex with two people in my life. I’m 34 years old. And I miss sex. I’ve never even had particularly good sex apart from with my last partner and I just feel so upset about it because I feel I won’t have it again.

It’s so hard to just meet someone to sleep with- I find that anyway. OLD doesn’t do it for me, I don’t want to sleep with just anyone. But someone who’s clean, has some good conversation and is attractive shouldn’t be that hard but it is for me.

I just have this unbearable sadness that for me this is it and I feel so desperately lonely and sad. I just miss that physical intimacy so much.

I honestly don’t know. I know about 4 years ago when I felt like this - I gladly would habe had casual sex and I feel that way again - but I guess I find it hard to meet people I’m attracted to. All the sexual attraction ive had before has come from knowing someone and getting to know them and it’s been within/ended in a relationship.

I don’t know if it’s that I’ve just never met someone casually who I’ve been attracted to or that I can’t be attracted to someone without knowing them much more intently.

I just really really miss sex and that physical closeness.

Come on mumsnet! Please help me!

Do you have children op? OLD can be grim, there isn't much quality vs quantity but the older you get the harder it is, when I was young I had a good social life so met my ex through friends on a night out nowadays OLD is the feasible only option, unless luckily bump into mr right one day.
Just be really picky and get to know them well first.

What kind of advice do you want? If you’re not willing to try old then where will you meet someone?

Well you'll have to actively get meeting people one way or another. If you don't like OLD, then you need to socialise a lot, ask friends / family if they know any singles etc.

I get where you are coming from, since Covid started i haven't had sex because like you i like to meet men in person. I don't really want to be on OLD sites it's too awkard and you have to message back and forth and meet etc. I like to meet people naturally, I'm hoping when restrictions ease even further they'll be more likelihood of this happening. Until then I'll make use of all the toys available

It’s true, I guess I don’t know what I’m asking. Does it ever just happen by chance?

If you want just sex online is the best way, you would literally have them queuing up!
If you need the connection you will struggle as like everything else in life you rely on chance.

No.

Does it ever just happen by chance?

Of course it does! What silly answers by some posters.

I'm really going to be no help on your broader question but I completely understand how you might be feeling.

The reality is at 34, there are - usually - myriad ways to meet someone. OLD is one option but I know many (most) people of that age group who have met people via friendship groups, old college friends, work & social activities.

The key word there is 'usually'. During Covid all usual serendipitous connection has been reduced / eliminated, so it hasn't been possible.

But it will be again.

I don't think there's anything wrong with saying that OLD isn't your bag. But then you have to find other ways to meet new people & be proactive (when Covid issues are lessened).

Thank you. I know I’m going to sound like a right eeyore but I think what’s getting me so down is lockdown easing will have no effect on my life.

I have friends but they don’t tend to go out or have parties, might go for a meal in a restaurant but they’re not of much help when it comes to getting out and socialising.

I feel pretty depressed about it all

You'll have to make the effort to make it make a difference.

Expand your own social network - join clubs or classes or committees or try a new hobby, go to works dos, never turn down an invitation, go to everything.

OLD isn't so bad, I met my partner on Tinder five years ago and are still very much in love.

Join a gym, go to a pub, get a hobby (my mum met her husband at a dance class) - you have to met an effort.

Good luck!

And if you're depressed living life as you are atm, what's the worst that can happen by trying something new?

Wow, can’t believe I’m reading this, I’m 52, almost 2 decades older than you, not had sex for the last 2 years either, I’m just now beginning think that maybe my sex life is over (but hopefully not), but at 34, you are so so young, as others say, get out and meet new people, join an a club (running/ cycling/ swimming/ tennis) whatever, ( learn to ride a motorcycle), anything new really to meet new people

Thank you - I do go to all invitations. I guess they're just not that many of them so they never amount to much when it comes to meeting new people or potential dates. I don't know why but my friends live fairly far although we're all in London and co-ordinating meet ups takes forever and they're not keen on just going to the pub. It's only going to get worse as they all start having kids.

I know I need to get out there, do more things but I feel like I'm completely floundering. I have no real hobbies that are particularly sociable and I feel exhausted by the monotonous drone of life. Lockdown ending won't change things much for me and that just makes me depressed.

Please could someone give me ideas for what clubs or hobbies to try? I know that sounds pathetic. I live in London so I feel I should be spoilt for choice. I like swimming but that's not that sociable.

www.meetup.com/topics/hobbies/gb/17/london/

Your actual hobby is just a vehicle you can use to meet people, I like riding motorcycles which is not very sociable either, so I joined a local club, which has over 100 members (but mostly old farts like me), but I’ve ridden all round the U.K. and Europe, made some friendships and had a great time
I would suggest you check out some adult swimming times at your local pool and just say hello to few people, and look out for clubs/ class to join to expand your networks

I understand what you're saying. It's not so easy to meet people when you no longer have a group of friends that goes out partying etc. I'd suggest something active like tennis, badminton (do people still play that?), walking group, running club, sailing or whatever. Where you have to talk as part of the activity. Or take a class to learn something new. You might need to try a few things to find a group which is both mixed and has men in the right age range. I suspect single people are more likely to join these things. It doesn't sound like you can rely on connections via friends. But don't give up!

Sorry, assuming you are looking for a man?

I'm coming up to 2 years in the same boat.

The fact is no one is owed sex or even love sadly. I also miss it at the moment and other times not much at all. The past year kind of doesn't count as I haven't felt safe trying to meet anyone anyway. I don't want to date again until I'm vaccinated.

In the past, OLD worked for me for a casual fling and so did meeting an attractive friend of friend on a night out for the occasional shag. But surprisingly none of the men I liked enough to have casual relationships wanted casual - they always wanted more.

I still think you could probably meet someone like you describe on OLD if you persevere for long enough. I'll probably do similar. But sex often isn't as no strings as it seems and I find I am enjoying being single too much for the moment. Good luck.

Could be worse. I'm your age and I haven''t had sex for two years - and I'm married.

I don't know what to suggest, it's been a very long time since I dated. I'd probably assume living somewhere like London makes it easier to meet a wide range of people, and increases the chance of finding someone you click with. Obviously Covid is going to have a lot to answer for over the last year in terms of meeting new people.