My mum is jealous of me being a grandmother ???

[Armychefbethebest]

Hi I'm not sure what is going on and why I will try and be thorough but to the point . My eldest dd gave birth to my beautiful granddaughter a year ago, It was a shock at first but I absolutely dote on my granddaughter. I try and have her overnight when I'm on annual leave as I enjoy having her and I work in education so I get my fair share of holidays. I have 4 children and my mum saw them but never really went out of her way to have them over night take them for the day ect not that I expected her too I add .
So in this year theres been a few occasions where my mum has acted well a bit strange , as soon as someone mentions nana meaning me she jumps straight in with 'well I'm a great grandma and I dont look it ' a single throwaway comment wouldnt bother me but its everytime. She bought a travel cot and said she planned on having little one over night , at this point she hasn't asked my daughter or really made any effort to see dgc. My daughter asked me to have dgc over night and there was an uproar , crying down the phone , shes going to focus on herself from now on shes moving away , I can have the cot she wont ever get to use it . It was really intense and my daughter was a bit weirded out by her nana behaviour and tried to arrange times where my mum could spend time with dgc but each time she cancelled or was poorly.
Fast forward to a few weeks ago my mum calls and asks if she has done something to my daughter as she hasn't rang or text. I said no shes just likely busy as well as my dgc she has 3 step kids 50 /50 and runs a little business baking at home so it's not unusual to not hear from her any more than once a week maybe once a fortnight . Today my daughter popped round with my granddaughter she had just taken her to look at a nursery and she wanted to bring her round to tell us about it , whilst she was here I took a few pics as dgc looked really cute in her outfit and I put a pic on fb saying look who I got a surprise visit from.
Within 5 minutes a message from my mum ' while she is there find out what i have done ' then she just went nuclear at me rant after rant which I didnt rise to she concluded with messaging my daughter with ' I'm going to delete your number whatever I have done so you wont ring or text me so you dont have to bother I wont be in yours or dgc name life and I wont send her anything time to focus on me' to me it seems absolutely batshit my daughter is confused , my partner is going 80 miles away for a big operation monday so I'm stressed as it is , what are your thoughts on my mums behaviour she does have form for this but it's usually me if I've not picked up the phone in a week but it's because I've been busy . Any advice what i really want to do is call and tell her I'm not happy with her taking her mood out on my daughter and my dgc shes a baby fgs x

The good news is your ignore your Mum and concentrate on your own DC and DGC.

Read up on FOG and daughters of narcissists and enjoy not having the drain of your Mum in your life. You may decide to keep in brief occasional contact with her if you want to. She will never be happy but do as much or little that makes you happy.

I'd love to be able to share the experience of my dgc with my mum but sadly I dont think its possible x. I can totally get that, my M is very, very similar.

I would remove her from all SM and tell your DC what you've done and suggest they do the same. Tell them it's because your M has been aggressive and nasty and that none of you have to tolerate such bad behaviour. It's important for them to see you stand up for yourself.

Taking a step back might be doing her a favour - at 61 she needs to get a life! She's got another 20 years probably

OP,
Keep a close eye on your daughter.
She sounds very young and has had a child with a man with 3 children.
Textbook situation of a young girl being recruited to skivvy and mind the children of a divorced man who doesn't want to do the hard work himself.

A young women taking on 3 children was not in her best interests.
She has now had her own baby so will be even more vulnerable.

Watch carefully how she is treated by him.
Make sure she knows that you are there for her and she can come home at any time.

I would be horrified if my young daughter got caught up in being house skivvy/aupair for some man with three children.
I would hope my daughters would want more from their young life.
Are you keeping a very close eye on her?

As for your mother, advise your poor daughter to block her.
She doesn't need any more stress in her life than she has.

You should leave your mother to herself and focuson your daughter.

She probably has a Cluster B personality disorder and needs everything to revolve around her. I agree with grey rock technique, you can't be her narcissistic supply if you just give her the bare minimum.
In thought the same. Theyre miserable when it isnt all about them.

a few weeks ago my mum calls and asks if she has done something to my daughter as she hasn't rang or text. I said no shes just likely busy

Except that wasn’t true. I would have said “she may be very busy, but while I can’t say for sure and don’t want to speak in behalf of Dd, if you had ranted at me like you did to her, and then cancelled every chance she suggested to spend time with the baby, I might well have a problem. You seem to have some issue with me being a grandmother. Can we talk about it please? “

However I see in your later posts that she has lifelong form for this behaviour.

Just grey rock with some simple sentences: I don’t think your response is reasonable / you see it like that, I don’t agree / I am not happy to be spoken to like this so we’ll speak at a different time / etc and change the subject or end the conversation. Detach yourself, keep calm, be firm and direct.

Billy 1966 hi yes another valid point that you have raised , I am keeping a very close eye on my daughter the 3 other children are with 3 separate woman so my dd is number 4 with baby number 4 , I dont like her partner he has been unfaithful just before she fell pregnant. I have made my feelings clear but also said i will not interfere as she has to make her own choices and chances are at that age the more you try and discourage the more she will want him . She knows her and dgc are welcome home at any time, but yes he is a concern to me as the children are often just in her care I one day she realises she is worth so much more for her and dgc and braces it alone with my support x

Oh dear OP,

You too have enough on your plate without a tantruming mother.

Block her for sure.

What a horror show your daughter has involved herself with.

Try and encourage her to bullet proof her contraception.

A lot of people have pointed out that your mum is very dysfunctional in many ways. I hope you have taken time out to recognise that you have not copied that dynamic - you have a strong healthy relationship with your kids. Pat yourself on the back for not repeating the patterns of the past and try not to let your mum's behaviour get to you - you deserve those loving relationships you have.

Given your last update I think you need to ignore your mum and focus on your daughter. She'll probably end up a single mum shortly so will need support.

Thank you to all of you for taking time out to give me all of your thoughts and advice I really needed to hear it . As far as my daughter is concerned she knows I have her back 100% she is on the implant and is in the camp of no more children, I do think she is slowly realising the situation for what it is and if / when the time comes I will be there to help her with whatever she needs , I really struggled at first becoming a mum but as my children grew older I remembered my mums behaviour in certain scenarios and knew it wasnt the right way and I was going to do things differently I am very close to all 4 of my children and would hate it if they ever felt they couldnt come to me when they wanted/ needed me. My partner is going for quite a big operation tomorrow 80 miles away and will not be allowed visitors whilst he is in and I'm working tomorrow and I know it's going to be quite a stressful week so I'm going to concentrate on this rather than my mums behaviour I also need to support my 2 dsc who will be very worried about dad . And then I will read this thread again but this week if she tries to contact i shall not be answering any calls or messages x thank you so much x

Good luck for your partner, OP x

The very best of luck to your partner tomorrow.

It is a good idea to only take on what you can deal with.

Maybe use this time to pull seriously back.

Beware of speading yourself too thinly.

Your daughter needs you more than your mum.

Mind yourself.

I'm not much younger than your mum. She's off her rocker, behaving like that. Real drama llama stuff, which you don't have to put up with.

We have someone like your mother in our family. Everything has to be about her and she’s particularly irrational when someone else has got more going on in their lives, is getting more attention and she’s not feeling needed.

Thinking if you and your DP today

She wants everyone to make a big fuss of her as a GGM and not in the slightly bit interested in the baby.

My MIL made a huge fuss about what title she was going for be called as GM and was furious about other GMs title. House was full of pictures of GC so people could admire and make a fuss of her.
Not in the slightest bit interested in GC (apart from no 1 for a short while before novelty wore off).

I hope all goes ok today op.

Please also prepare yourself for more abuse from your dm soon, she won't like the attention you and your dh will be getting due to his operation, so I wouldn't be at al surprised if she has another tantrum

Hi everyone thank you for your support , DP was in surgery from 11 till 6 and I've just managed to speak to him and he sounds not too bad and high as a kite Haha, it has been a long day I finished my shift at 2 and went straight to town to check on my dsd as she works in a coffee shop down there then came home and wore a hole in the floor .but it was a massive relief to see him on facetime and my mum has been quiet since her out burst but probably the calm before the storm as pps have suggested it's so frustrating but as I said my headspace this week are making sure the kids are ok my dp is ok in hospital a d focus on him getting home and work everything else will take a back seat , once again thank you for your kind words and support xx

Great update.
Hope he recovers well.
Take care.

So glad to hear your DP's surgery went well! Don't give your mother head space, focus on yourself and your family.

Hi everyone, just a quick update my partner should be home tomorrow thank god I've changed the bed into our comfiest bedding and have a good pillow for resting his arm on and he would like an omelette for tea haha he looked a lot better today. My mum has been silent today she has gone back on fb today blocked my daughter and unfriended me I think to get a reaction from me but I'm not going there if that is her stance then so be it, I am not pandering and playing the attention demand x

Excellent update. Focus on your partner and his recovery, and enjoy your life without your mum.

your mother is responsible for how she behaves, not you, so don't react to it. just carry on as you now are, keep her at a distance, don't get involved at all, unless it is something absolutely unavoidable, and then only bare minimum.
all the best to you and family.

Yes, no reaction is the best reaction. Focus on your own family now. xx