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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

i spoke too soon...............

45 replies

jenk1 · 17/11/2007 15:05

i thought dh was a changed man with ds but sadly no............

he was supposed to have him to stay last night and he was going to until dd started having a tantrum that she "wanted her daddy" so i said why not put her to bed and then you can go, he didnt like that idea and ds says "mum can dad stay here tonight" big grin on dh face and both kids are shouting daddy stay, so i said do ds well dad doesnt live her and i dont want you thinking he will be staying every night, please
mum let him stay he said, so i agreed and
he stayed in ds,s room.

this morning, he got up in a very bad mood
completely ignored ds, made dd breakfast,
didnt make ds any, snapped at him until i
said thats enough, he then went upstairs and
urinated all over my toilet and the floor.

never again shall i agree to him staying.

all last night i was very nervous, thinking
this is wrong, i dont want him here.

we are at relate on weds and i shall tell
him he was completely out of order in what
he did in the bathroom and to ds.

thats it really, i feel a bit depressed
as i was hoping he could/would change
but he has so much anger and im not letting
him take it out on me or ds anylonger.

im a fool.

OP posts:
Hekete · 17/11/2007 15:09

You're not a fool.

FWIW, I think you are right to not have him to stay again. Too confusing all round.

Was he happy to stay because he wants to come back?

dooley1 · 17/11/2007 15:11

I hope you made him clean up the bathroom

Original poster
jenk1 · 17/11/2007 15:12

yes he wants to come back, he wants everything to be "normal" but he fails to see that things have to change dramatically for us to ever get back together.

and im not sure that i want to tbh.

im scared of being on my own at 35 and with
2 children with asd but these last 3 weeks
have proved to me that i have and can manage

he has so much anger towards women, probably as a result of what his mother did to him but ive been very patient with him for such a long time and its affecting the children and i cannot have that.

OP posts:
Original poster
jenk1 · 17/11/2007 15:13

no he didnt clean up the bathroom, when i spoke to him about what he had done he started giving me evil looks and he was going out of the door with the kids so i just thought go.

OP posts:
lulumama · 17/11/2007 15:13

he peed on the floor on purpose? he is a grown man , no?

don;t really know your relationship history, bu t it sounds like you are more comfortable with him not being there

if you are splitting, then him staying the night gives the children false hope

why would he ignnore DS?

he sounds quite immature to ignore his own child and not feed him, in fact, cruel , i think.

lulumama · 17/11/2007 15:13

i xposted

it sounds very complicated

Original poster
jenk1 · 17/11/2007 15:16

ds isnt dh,s biological child and for a while now he has not been treating him nicely.

he showers love and affection on dd and not on ds, in the last week he has made an effort but i think that was because he was trying to wheedle his way back in.

OP posts:
dooley1 · 17/11/2007 15:17

it really sounds as though you are better off without him, your poor ds

Hekete · 17/11/2007 15:19

Well then you have made the right choice - you CANNOT be with a man who does not treat your child well. You just can't. Be strong. You can do this. x

Original poster
jenk1 · 17/11/2007 15:20

yes you are right dooley i AM better off without him.

everyone keeps saying oh give him another chance but they dont have to live with the aggression and see how he treats ds.

he is so jealous of him because ive fought for 2 years to get him into school and a lot of my time has been taken with hospital visits for ds,but the same is happening with dd and he doesnt resent that, my counsellor says he thinks dh just wants me and dd and that he why he is treating ds the way he is, he is also very controlling with me, but to outsiders they think he,s wonderful cos he,s like jekyll and hyde and puts on such a good act of being good dad/father.

OP posts:
Carmenere · 17/11/2007 15:21

Oh Jen don't let him back. WTF was he thinking about not feeding ds FFS That is just not on.

Original poster
jenk1 · 17/11/2007 15:22

no i dont want him back.
im just scared.

OP posts:
lulumama · 17/11/2007 15:25

you cannot give him another chance to please others, and him treating the children so differently is calculated, cruel and unforgivable , IMO

you sound very strong and together

Original poster
jenk1 · 17/11/2007 15:28

i dont feel strong and alltogether!!!!
im in floods of tears usually every night.

today he took my bank card as he doesnt have an account (ive been asking him to open one but he reckons you have to deposit £5oo in post office to open onem he is blacklisted) he wanted his wages, fair enough but he hasnt brought it back to me and ive been sat in the house all day with no money.

i wanted to give him all his money on a friday but he says you know what im like ill just spend it but i think he,s using that as an excuse to call round.

OP posts:
Freckle · 17/11/2007 15:35

Go to CAB. They will have a leaflet about opening a basic bank account. Most banks will let you do this without a large deposit. He's talking bollocks about needing a £500 deposit and, yes, he's using this as an excuse to call round.

Contact his employers and tell them to pay him in a different way - either into his own account or cash, whichever suits them, but not to pay it into your account anymore.

lulumama · 17/11/2007 15:36

i am sorry.

it sounds like you are having a horrible time

can he not use his wages to open an account?

sorry you have been stuck in with no money

is there a friend or relative you could borrow off, so you can at least go out with the DCs tomorrow?

Original poster
jenk1 · 17/11/2007 15:43

so even if he,s blacklisted he can open a basic bank account?

also, he has debts and im getting phonecalls and letters coming every day and i dont know what to do about those.

he just opens the letters and bins them,promises to pay them if he,s here when they ring but doesnt.

OP posts:
lulumama · 17/11/2007 15:45

are the debts in his name solely? who;s name is the house in etc

i think you must go to CAB on monday, then seek legal advice

Original poster
jenk1 · 17/11/2007 15:49

debts are in his name.

house is in both of our names but is a housing association so i need to get his name taken off but not sure if they will let me.

OP posts:
Freckle · 17/11/2007 15:54

A basic bank account allows you to pay in your wages and withdraw it. It offers no overdraft, so if he writes out a cheque when there are insufficient funds in the account, the cheque will bounce.

Go to CAB and ask them about such an account. They have a leaflet which explains how it works and which banks offer it.

Boysandbeaches · 17/11/2007 16:05

OK - you are young. 35 is young. You can cope - you are coping. It is hard getting through a break-up. You're only just finding your way, so, now you know, your ex- doesn't get to stay over. No arguments - present it as a fact, no justifications, nor reasons needed.

I wouldn't trust him with DS. He sounds like he is being a nasty bully. Can you sort out some basic rules for when he is with both children at your next session with Relate?

Cutting the ties is hard but it is time to sort the money out, too, particularly, if his debts involve or implicate you. He isn't your responsibility. Being broke is horrible but still better than not knowing and dreading anything related to money.

Be kind to yourself - plan some nice things to do, even if they have to be for the future. I take baths, read, drink the odd glass of wine and dream of holidays I will, one day, take my boys on. It sustains me - oh, and reading MN . Have a good weekend.

Hekete · 17/11/2007 16:12

He's talking shit.

for example, you can open a Nationwide Flexaccount, that gives you a cashcard, even if you are currently bankrupt!!

Same with PO accounts.

The most you need to open one of these accounts with is a quid!

Hekete · 17/11/2007 16:14

Oh, and him borrowing your bank card and leaving you stuck......another form of controlling you.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 17/11/2007 16:50

Jenk

He'll never change, it is likely due to his Mother's behaviour towards him as a child. However, that is his issue, not yours to address or even try to get your head around.

The other posters are correct; you do not need loads of money to have a bank account. Do not let him have your bank card any longer.

Please seek financial advice from the CAB. You need to also inform his creditors when they call that he no longer lives with you. Small wonder he's blacklisted; he's burying his head in the sand over all sorts of things.

Controlling men detest women. Would also suggest you seek legal advice re divorcing him (and I don't say that lightly).

Would also suggest you read "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft. Its readily available at bookshops and there are excerpts of it online.

Pixiefish · 17/11/2007 17:04

so sorry this is going on jenk