i spoke too soon...............

[jenk1]

i thought dh was a changed man with ds but sadly no............

he was supposed to have him to stay last night and he was going to until dd started having a tantrum that she "wanted her daddy" so i said why not put her to bed and then you can go, he didnt like that idea and ds says "mum can dad stay here tonight" big grin on dh face and both kids are shouting daddy stay, so i said do ds well dad doesnt live her and i dont want you thinking he will be staying every night, please
mum let him stay he said, so i agreed and
he stayed in ds,s room.

this morning, he got up in a very bad mood
completely ignored ds, made dd breakfast,
didnt make ds any, snapped at him until i
said thats enough, he then went upstairs and
urinated all over my toilet and the floor.

never again shall i agree to him staying.

all last night i was very nervous, thinking
this is wrong, i dont want him here.

we are at relate on weds and i shall tell
him he was completely out of order in what
he did in the bathroom and to ds.

thats it really, i feel a bit depressed
as i was hoping he could/would change
but he has so much anger and im not letting
him take it out on me or ds anylonger.

im a fool.

Jenk, I haven't read all of your threads regarding this, but just wanted to pick up on a couple of points that you just made.

You said that whilst he was there you felt nevry and like he shouldn't be there. The reason for that is because you know that you don't want him there, and ime that feeling would never go, no matter what he did to change because you'd always be wondering what if.
I let xp back, and I had to live with that feeling churning around inside me for months until I found the courgae to get rid of him again. I have never felt so ill in all of my life as I did at that time.

You are scared ? Well who wouldn't be, I was absolutly shit scared of being on my own with my kids, just thought I could not do it, and I was wrong. As you said, the few weeks he hasn't been there, you have managed, and thats what happens, you just manage, and then in time you like it, you like the security of having the kids in routines and not having to please anyone but yourselves and imo the kids reap the benfits of this and it will show.

I know it is hard when the kids ask, but don't let him stay again, he is using that to regain control, and imo if he cannot have the slightest bit of respect for your home then he needs to start coming in no further than the doorstep.

HA won't let you take his name off the tenency. He needs to write saying he wants it taken off.

Wrt bank accounts, xp opened a basic cash card account as he has huge debts and that was all he could get.

yes you are all right.

Attila, i didnt know that controlling men detest women, im interested in finding out more about that.

re the tenancy i know theres no way he will write asking for his name taken off, he,s got this idea that everything will be hunky dory for xmas and he has told me he isnt going to give up on us.

he came back with the kids, i asked him for my bank card, he said i "should have told him that i needed it" i said "no the card is mine and i want you to open a bank account"

he has left me 20 quid, i asked him what for and he said ds wants a pizza takeaway so i said well i will buy it and he said no theres the money.

he is going out drinking tonight, he told me he is meeting a load of girls with his housemate, oh right i said -i felt like saying to him go on get yourself a girlfriend. he looked shocked that i wasnt bothered.
i was telling ds that i had some bacon for his breakfast tomorrow and he said (DH) ill be round at 8.30 for mine and i said no i dont think so.

its awful cos part of me feels sorry for him and then its like a voice inside is shouting wake up jen, you cannot put up with this any longer.the only person who can help him is him.

oh and my mum phoned me.

and she said she,s never seen my 2 so calm and happy as they were the other night at her house and she has advised me to change my pin on my bank card and seek legal advice about what to do re his debts, she said give them his mobile no and the address of where he is living.

Yes. Def phone and report your card lost or stolen or something! Do it now, in fact, imo.

so sorry you're having to do go thru all this shit.. I agree with getting your pin changed and he can open a Natwest Step Account which does no credit checks and comes with no overdraft but you do get a solo card. I opened one as a back up when I went after my bank charges and now I use it more than my main account.

What a horrible thing for your ds to be having to deal with and tbh your h sounds like an arse to even think about behaving this way. I know it's really hard to deal with, been there myself and I wish you the best for the future x

this morning he came to see the kids, he told me that he had been drinking with his mates and a load of girls, oh right i said.

"but dont worry i only have eyes for you" he said.

so i said i dont want you to talk to me like that, we are seperated what you do is your business, please understand that i dont feel the same way as you do.

he took the kids out and then when he came back my mum was here, he took his shoes off and put his hands behind his head in a relaxed-this-is-my-house-sort-of-way. i dropped hints about him going and he went eventually.

i have realised that when ds has been with dh he comes back happy and he tells me dh has been nice to him, but when he is here with me and the kids he is nasty to ds, so is it a jealousy thing and does he do it to make me upset?
my mum thinks he does it to punish me for loving ds, that is so sad.

we are at relate on weds but tbh i dont want to go anymore, he just lies and gets angry, he hasnt listened to the 4 other therapists who he has seen and i dont think he will to the relate one, HE needs therapy to deal with his anger etc and until he does that im not doing any more sessions re saving our marriage cos i dont want him.

Hi Jenk, sorry to hear all this. I remember thinking when you posted on my thread back in August about your mother etc that at least you have a lovely DH. What went wrong? When did you split? Sorry if its old news, I must have missed other threads...

Or have I got the wrong Jenk?

hiya pagews, no its me you have the right jenk.

DH was good while i was unwell, but as soon as i got stronger and ds got into school he changed.

he doesnt like me being stronger and has told me he preferred it when i was depressed and "needed him".

he is not a nice person, has been very cruel to ds and nasty to me and ive had enough, ive had to seperate from him cos his cruelty/treatment got too much.

we have had problems for a long time but we sort of coasted along but now i cant put up with his treatment any longer and we have split, a reconcillation is not on the cards until he sorts out his anger and hatred of women issues and i dont think he will.

Have you got your bank card back off him?

yes i have got my bank card back and im changing the pin no tomorrow with my bank.

ive also told him that if i get any more phonecalls,debt collectors that im giving them the address of where he lives and he said go on then.

Do it.

He really is a twat, isn't he?

Can you honestly see a time where you would have him back? Truly?

Sorry to hear this Jenk, but it's great that you have become so much stronger... they do say when you stop being needy and dependant it has a knock on effect - the people in your life who want to keep you that way will protest and try and get "the old you" back. But the people who really care anout you will support your growth.
Hope that includes your mother...

well isnt that the most curious thing re my mum?
she is being very supportive and offering to babysit, but ill post on the mum thread.

this morning dh took dd to the doctors, she has bronchitis.
then he went shopping, i went cos i wouldnt give him my card, he spent £130 on a Nintendo DS, 2 presents for dd for xmas which cost over £20, so in the next shop he was about to spend a further £20 on her and i said what about ds?
so he bought him a £6.99 book.

i have been asking him repeatedly to get dd some nappies out of the loft (we get them delivered every 3 months and the boxes are huge) he promised he would and as he was going laughed oh i forgot to get you dd,s nappies out love, dont worry ill do it tomorrow.

so, im going to ask my next door neighbour to get me some down tonight, he will NOT like that but its tough.

he said to me "we are all getting along better now we are seperated arent we," so i said yes what does that tell you?

Deffo get your neighbour to get nappies for you, don't give him a reason for you to rely on him.

Who is the DS for then?? Himself?

I think the disparate ways he treats the two children is unforgivable.

yes the DS is for himself cos ds got one last week for his birthday...............

he actually said to me arent i doing well with ds and i said erm...........no i dont think so what about saturday when u didnt make his breakfast,what about today when you spent money on dd and not on ds, he said well i cant cope with him when he starts shouting, and i said he only starts shouting when you are around, he,s actually very calm and they are both getting on together and dd has stopped being nasty to him/

he said thats because i am treating him well and she,s picking up on it..........

The mind boggles it really does.

you know i must be going soft.

today he has been feeling sorry for himself (now he,s spent his money)

"i cant run my own place,what with rent and bills and council tax ill only have about 60 quid a week left to myself"

And for a few minutes i felt sorry for him, and i thought what have i done?

then my mum phoned and i told her what he said and she said JEN STOP IT, he is a grown man, if he loves you like he says he does then he wouldnt be spending money on himself and dd left right and centre,nothing on ds and he would be giving you some money, not coming around trying to make you feel sorry for him, he,s a GROWN MAN, he needs to start acting like one.

and she,s right, i know he,s had a terrible childhood but he cannot take it out on us anymore.

i want to move forward and think positively,but its hard at the moment.

Well, perhaps he should think about these things before spending £130 on a DS for himself.