AIBU? New boyfriend and my history of anorexia

[overthinker121]

Hi everyone, I can't work out whether I am being overly sensitive or not and would appreciate some advice.

A bit of background: I was severely anorexic from the ages of 13-25 and 2 weeks from death at one point. I am now 30. I am at a healthy weight (minimum healthy but still a massive achievement for me!) and doing as well as I ever have with food - eating meals out, allowing others to cook for me, eating a variety of food, joining in with social eating etc. I have created a happy, healthy life for myself with lots of friends and a good relationship with my family.

My new boyfriend and I got together about 5 weeks ago and have been seeing each other 2/3 times a week. I told him on our second date about my history for context as I have had multiple hospitalisations and therefore time out of school and work, and it also explains why I only began having adult relationships at the age of 26. I felt it was also important to mention to give him a 'get out clause' early on as, whilst I am not actively restricting food or underweight at the moment, it is something I have to manage every day - the thoughts remain, I just choose not to act on them. At the time he was very understanding.

We eat dinner and breakfast together whenever we see each other and I have been extremely flexible in terms of where we eat/what we eat etc - he chooses most of the time and I am happy to go along with it (unthinkable to the 'anorexic' me!).

Last night he made some comments about me being 'thin' and also said 'you don't really enjoy food, do you?' Given that he knows about my history I found these comments insensitive and I am quite upset as I feel that I am doing really well to be living my life as I am, especially as I had been told by numerous consultants in the past that I would never recover. I DO enjoy food but it is not as simple as it is for other people who enjoy food as I have a constant background chatter in my mind of 'you shouldn't have eaten that', 'that was greedy', 'you had x for dinner so you'd better not have breakfast tomorrow' etc etc.

AIBU for being upset by his comments? I don't want to make a bigger issue out of this than I need to but I also do feel quite upset and disappointed, especially as I believe I am doing well at the moment.

I should add that he is quite insecure about his body (he works out a lot but still think his tummy is 'fat' just because he hasn't got a 6 pack) and a bit funny about food, saying that he is 'greedy' when he eats chocolate etc. Not sure if that is relevant but I thought I'd add it just in case!

Hi there! I am similar to you but sans boyfriend... you should be incredibly proud of yourself for getting to where you are today and for continually battling those intrusive thoughts. However, I would seriously reflect on whether his own body insecurities will have a knock-on effect on you and your recovery... I know that, with my history, I wouldn't want to be in a long-term relationship which could potentially trigger my ED. Was his comment insensitive... not sure, I think people don't really understand AN (I feel the same as you, I do like food I just feel very guilty about allowing myself to have it - also spending money on 'nice/luxurious' food) so I think it was just a lazy assumption like 'people with AN don't eat so they don't like food.' I think the bigger thing to consider is your second point. You have been through a lot and come such a long way, that should be the most important thing. Take care and keep progressing on your recovery ❤️

Firstly just want to say you sound AMAZING and your journey has clearly been a challenging one which shows your strength.

I think I’d give it a one and done chance- tell him why these comments aren’t ok and see how he responds. Anything other than a reflective response that shows he’s heard and learnt from what you’ve said and it would be a done. It’s fair enough that he may not KNOW much about AN but not being willing to learn would be a no-no.
I guess it would be -all the struggles you’ve overcome- why risk a man undoing them with at best thoughtlessness and at worst cruelty.

I think you are being a little bit sensitive OP. He probably doesn't know much about anorexia and I don't think it's obvious that these comments would upset you.

He doesn't sound like the man for you, sorry.

He clearly has his own issues about weight and food, and he will pose a risk to your hard-won stability.

You need to choose someone with a healthy attitude to food with a bit more emotional intelligence.

You sound amazing. Well done for getting to the point you have. You must not compromise your health for a relationship so I think I agree with the previous poster - honest conversation and see how you get on. But any doubts and I think you have to walk away. Stay strong!

Deary me. End it.

Glad your doing so well OP

You are not overreacting, his comments are definitely insensitive given that you’ve told him about your past. Maybe he’s not the one for you OP. You need someone supportive and if you meet someone abusive it might trigger your ED.

You have done so incredibly well OP.

I absolutely understand as I have suffered with bulimia periodically since I was 13 (I’m 40 now). I’m currently in recovery. People who who have never had an ED will never understand how hard you have to work to keep it in check. I manage it daily.

I have a BF who knows about my ED and is incredibly supportive. I couldn’t be with him if he wasn’t because I find it hard enough to stay healthy anyway, let alone exposing myself to situations that might be triggering. I would have one last very honest conversation with your BF. If he doesn’t get it, show him the door. Your recovery is of the utmost importance.

Sorry no boyfriend advice but just wanted to congratulate your on your recovery. I’m sure it’s an ongoing battle for you but I wish you health and happiness.

@category12 has hit the nail on the head on this one. His comments are not ok, especially after you told him everything. You're not being over sensitive at all.
I agree that your recovery is number one priority here. If you want to give him the benefit of the doubt and talk to him about this then do so but please make him aware of how comments like these are not helpful and can be triggering.

You are incredible and have done so well!

5 weeks seems very early to be sharing info with someone
But it is your choice
You don't have to share anything with anyone

I agree with @category12. He may be a nice bloke but isn't right for you right now as he clearly has food issues. Massive well done by the way.

@W1nner8D1ner

5 weeks seems very early to be sharing info with someone But it is your choice You don't have to share anything with anyone

No I think that’s fair. I told DH on our first I couldn’t have kids.

People need to know what they are getting in to.

I'm not sure it is the safest approach to share so much detail about vulnerabilities to a near stranger.

I also agree with pp that dating someone with food issues sounds extremely problematic and risky. I don't think it's a good match.

@user11838686969686

I'm not sure it is the safest approach to share so much detail about vulnerabilities to a near stranger.

I also agree with pp that dating someone with food issues sounds extremely problematic and risky. I don't think it's a good match.

OP is in remission. She needs to be honest about that. She needs to meet some one with the emotional intelligence to deal with it and support her.

Unfortunately she’s met some one that is also body conscious and is now pushing his insecurities on her and to boot commenting on her weight ! - which is a recipe for disaster.

Op if your still reading - your doing amazing! However the first time he commented on his own weight you should have scarpered.

Your in remission - you havnt got time for other people hang ups x

So you told him you've been seriously ill in the past with anorexia and he starts making comments about the size of your body and how you eat/your enjoyment of it? No.

I have zero experience with eating disorders. I don't know anyone, thankfully, that has had one (as far as I'm aware). I know, because it is just common sense, that you do not say things like that to recovering anorexic people. It's horrible.

He's either an insensitive oaf best case scenario or will be controlling/abusive with his 'comments' in the future worst case scenario.

Don't risk your hard won health. Get rid.

Mother of an anorexic here-just to explain my perspective a bit. I don’t think it’s a question of reasonable or not. I think that most people just don’t understand what you went through, and what your thoughts have done and still to a degree do do to you. I suspect only someone who has been close to a person with anorexia can “get it”..... and it is a truly awful illness, which is very hard to understand. I do t think your boyfriend can be criticised because the things he says demonstrate a lack of understanding, not malice. For all you have explained a bit to him, in the short time you’ve been seeing each other you won’t have done more than scratched the surface.

So there is that. Also your recovery has to be about YOU. It has to be because you want it. Some people will say stuff in your hearing that it insensitive, rude, unhelpful and to a degree part of recovery is dealing with those types of things fs and people.

Finally, be honest with h and yourself. Yes you have come a long way but I find it interesting g that he seems to have food issues, problems with his self-image. Are you strong enough to support him? My view is, and would be if you were my DD, lol after you. Be healthy for you. I genuinely hope this helps.

I don't think unreasonable comes into this. If his comments prove difficult for you, try to explain. And if he still says something crass then don't continue with the relationship.

I do understand some of your issues. I have had anorexia and am kind of over it but not great about food and weight. My main dating anxiety is that I have bipolar. I am incredibly medicated and stable and high functioning but it has pretty much controlled the choices etc I have made in life.

I find if I do tell people too early they are quite often put off. And if I don't tell them I feel as if it will come up at some point - my body is very scarred from self harm decades ago - and I feel like I am withholding a huge part of myself. Not easy.

You are doing brilliantly. Good luck.

Well done on your recovery, OP, that's amazing! I agree that your priority right now is continuing and protecting your recovery and unfortunately this man is unlikely to be someone who can be your ally in this.

A friend of mine suffered terribly with anorexia and bulimia whilst at university but fortunately she had a housemate who was the least body conscious person ever, she was a normal weight if a little closer to the top end of the healthy BMI zone (she was quite tall) and loved to cook and just carried on as normal at their house (not forcing anything on my friend on anything like that, just cooking for herself as she normally would). It was really helpful for my friend to be around someone with such a natural, relaxed, happy relationship to food and it doesn't sound as if this man will be able to be that sort of support for you. He sounds more like someone who will reinforce your fears, whether deliberately or accidentally, rather than help you overcome them.

Leave him.
Completely insensitive and he clearly has his own issues with weight.
You are amazing and I’m proud of you (despite not knowing you). You have done so well.
Move on, he doesn’t sound all that.

Thank you so much for all your wonderfully thoughtful and helpful comments. I really don't know what I'd do without mumsnet!

I think many of you are right that I need to consider his issues around food and them potentially affecting me. He doesn't actually restrict his intake or exhibit any disordered behaviours - he enjoys food and will eat pretty much anything but then does make comments about his 'fat tummy' which I tend to ignore. At the moment, comments like this don't bother me as I am in a relatively good place and am of the mindset 'been there, done that' - I spent years hating my body and restricting my food intake and it didn't make me happy and my life was miserable. These days I'm not especially happy with my body but I am happy with my life and that is what keeps me on the straight and narrow. However, I am well aware that things could get difficult again and at that time I may not be so able to cope with his attitude towards food/body shape.

I think I will bring it up with him, explain why his comments weren't ok etc and see what his reaction is. If he is dismissive or not understanding he will be shown the door but if he listens and tries to understand I think I will give him the benefit of the doubt and continue to monitor the situation. Everything else in the relationship is good and he treats me very well so I don't want to throw everything away over a couple of thoughtless comments, but I do understand the importance of having someone in my life who is supportive of my struggles.

Thanks again everyone, I really am so grateful to each and every one of you who replied. What a wonderful community we have here!

@Wavypurple

Leave him. Completely insensitive and he clearly has his own issues with weight. You are amazing and I’m proud of you (despite not knowing you). You have done so well. Move on, he doesn’t sound all that.

I agree with WavyPurple ...

He must be pretty self absorbed, to have listened to you pour your heart out, about your history and daily challenges to then spout these utterly insensitive twatty judgemental comments.

Did he listen to a word you said, I think not. Does he judge you, absolutely. Im sorry OP but he sounds like a genuine Prick.

Congratulations today and every day you walk OP, your journey is a deeply complex one and I truly wish you well.
I hope you consider the long term implications of his small but very telling comments, should your mental wellbeing be ever so slightly lower than usual. The impact could he enormous.

Good luck lady 🌸💕🌷

If he is dismissive or not understanding he will be shown the door but if he listens and tries to understand I think I will give him the benefit of the doubt and continue to monitor the situation. Everything else in the relationship is good and he treats me very well so I don't want to throw everything away over a couple of thoughtless comments, but I do understand the importance of having someone in my life who is supportive of my struggles.

Don't forget, it has only been 5 weeks you've been together, so him treating you well and it being "throwing everything away" is based on really not that much.

I hope that he responds well to your bringing it up.