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Original poster

Talk some sense into me

45 replies

neonorchid · 21/05/2021 21:00

I've been with my OH for a few years now and we've lived together for about 18 months. We pretty much get on really well, we've had a few minor hiccups but nothing major.

I've always known OH isn't interested in marriage. I've been married before a long time ago and really have no preference either way about getting married again. OH and I have spoken about it occasionally but he is always of the opinion that it's just a piece of paper and he doesn't believe in it.

Anyway he was telling me about a friend who has asked him to he his best man and he was over the moon for him. He told me his friend said to him isn't it about time you followed suit? Then more or less just shrugged it off and said to me we're all different aren't we? I don't know why but I feel really hurt by it. He's so over the moon that his friend has found someone to settle with and I just feel like he obviously doesn't feel the same way about me.

I'm being a dick, I know I am but I can't help but feel a bit disheartened by it all.

OP posts:
Rainbowqueeen · 21/05/2021 21:09

Honestly I don’t think you are being a dick. I think someone who really thought marriage was just a piece of paper would react quite differently to the news of an engagement.

I’d be feeling hurt and re evaluating my own relationship too. I’d feel like I was miss right now not miss right.

Is this something you feel you can talk to him about? I’d be asking for honesty. Does he really not believe in marriage or does he just not believe in marriage to you. Someone who is a good person and who respects you should be honest with you so you can decide what you want to do from there.
I’m saying this with kindness because I, a complete stranger, would hate for you to be wasting your time with someone who does not love and cherish you the way you deserve. Flowers

MMmomDD · 21/05/2021 21:12

But people are all different. And how do you know that the reason he is happy for his friend is the marriage specifically, not the fact that his friend met someone.

You said you are neutral about marriage. Are you sure, though? Because it sounds like you want him to want to marry you.
If that is the case - you need to decide how important it is for you, really. And then decide what you do - proposing yourself is one of the options.

In a way, if you are planning to have children - I do think marriage is important as it protects the woman. If you are in a different phase of life - I can see his point.

Are you looking for more of an assurance that he is in this relationship for a long term? Marriage in itself doesn’t necessarily give it.

allthequeenshorsesandmen · 21/05/2021 21:14

F

AnneLovesGilbert · 21/05/2021 21:21

Marriage is not just a bit of paper. Unless he’s very stupid he’s well aware of that. He can decide not to “believe” in it, but that makes him sound equally dim.

It’s clear as day from your post that you want him to want to marry you, even if you’re not sure you want to get married again. Which begs the question why you’re with someone you know feels differently.

Are you really happy to spend the rest of your life with him knowing marriage is completely off the table?

premium77 · 21/05/2021 21:52

Nobody is forcing you to stay with a man who doesn’t believe in marriage

Original poster
neonorchid · 21/05/2021 21:56

Thankyou all for your replies! I was expecting to read I was being a dick. Yes, I guess i would like him to want to get married at some point.

It is making me reevaluate our relationship. I do feel like Miss Right now and not Miss you're my everything. I do feel like I'm comfortable for him but not enough of that makes sense. He knows something is wrong with me and tbh I don't want to bring it up. It's not a big deal but it is to me.

I feel really confused about things now and I'm beginning to wonder if he's just settling for me but ultimately I'm not what he wants. He's so genuinely pleased for his friend and I am too. I'm just wondering what it is that's lacking between us.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 21/05/2021 22:03

Of course it’s a big deal. And you will have to talk about it. You get one life OP. Share it with someone who shares your hopes and dreams.

He’s been honest he doesn’t want marriage. You’ve either not discussed this properly or you haven’t been honest about what you want or you’ve changed your mind.

Whatever it is, “a few years” in and having lived together a year and a half, you need a proper talk about what you both want and if that’s possible if you stay together.

Don’t sleep walk into disappointment and resentment. That would be such a waste!

Bigbus · 21/05/2021 22:06

Does he maybe think that you don’t want to get married and he doesn’t want to mess things up? Maybe he was testing the waters and when you didn’t respond he just shrugged it off to make it seem like he wasnt bothered?

aboutbloodytime123 · 21/05/2021 22:07

It sounds like he doesn't think you're keen on the idea of marriage though if you've always said you weren't bothered - could he be saying what he thinks you want to hear?

People change their minds, I did, when DP and I met we were both divorced, he was keen to remarry one day and I was absolutely against the idea... A couple of years passed and I realised I wanted to marry him. We haven't done it yet (covid etc) but we're engaged. However it wouldn't have happened if I hadn't told him I felt differently x

AnneLovesGilbert · 21/05/2021 22:15

@Bigbus

Does he maybe think that you don’t want to get married and he doesn’t want to mess things up? Maybe he was testing the waters and when you didn’t respond he just shrugged it off to make it seem like he wasnt bothered?
That’s optimistic. The sort of chump who says they don’t believe in marriage, doesn’t see the point or mentions the ever-ridiculous piece of paper thing doesn’t seem likely to test the waters.
Original poster
neonorchid · 21/05/2021 22:16

In the past I have said I would marry him when it's been brought up. I guess I've always thought maybe he would change his mind but obviously not. One one hand I'm ok with that but on the other hand I just want someone who feels the same about me as I do him. If he asked me if probably say no just because I know it's not something he wants. I guess this situation has just brought it to light. He wants a 'wife' but not an actual wife if that makes sense.

I pretty much do everything for him and his child and it feels like a kick in the teeth.

OP posts:
lucy5236 · 21/05/2021 22:24

You seem to think I'm not wanting to get married means he doesn't love you enough?

Some people genuinely have no interest in marriage.

Just because he is happy for his friend getting engaged doesn't mean it's what he wants.

For example, if a person who was absolutely they didn't want kids was over the moon for their friend when they announced a pregnancy would just mean they were happy for their friend? It wouldn't indicate to me they secretly wanted kids but were waiting on someone else to have them with?

AtrociousCircumstance · 21/05/2021 22:28

You do everything for him and his child?! Doesn’t he do everything for his child - and if not, why not?

It’s incredibly hurtful. If he’s over the moon for his friend he does value marriage and see it as something special. But not for you.

This may not be the loving relationship you need OP.

AnneLovesGilbert · 21/05/2021 22:29

He wants a 'wife' but not an actual wife if that makes sense.

I pretty much do everything for him and his child and it feels like a kick in the teeth.

What the fuck. I was too late. You’ve already sleep walked into a shitty situation.

It’s his kid, why are you doing most of the work? Do you realise that’s not normal or healthy for any of you?

SheldonesqueTheBstard · 21/05/2021 22:31

I don’t think you are being a dick.

What you need to do (as you are doing) is think hard if you want marriage more than you want him as he is. Then tell him. It’ll be a yes or a no.

It isn’t wrong to want more. Or to want someone who confirms you are his world. Marriage or no.

QueenofDestruction · 21/05/2021 22:33

A collegue of mines ex who she was with for 7 years told her the same yet he was married within a year of their breakup.

SheldonesqueTheBstard · 21/05/2021 22:35

Just read your update.

Time to sort this one out. I hope he truly adores you and you are not just handy for now.

Stop doing everything for them and do everything for your own happiness.

You are not there for his convenience. Flowers

partyatthepalace · 21/05/2021 22:44

... and his child?! You snuck that in at the end OP.

It is odd, if he’s indifferent to marriage then being over the moon about a friends marriage is inconsistent. You might be happy they’re happy but that’s it.

I don’t think you are on the same path. If you want marriage or a properly committed relationship then I think you need to have a come to Jesus conversation and unless a miracle occurs then move on.

lucy5236 · 21/05/2021 22:48

My friend got a new job and I was happy for her, I don't want a new job.

My friend is pregnant and I'm over the moon for her, I don't want any more DC

I've been through a messy divorce and never want to get married again.....I'd still be over the moon for my best friend if she got engaged - because that's what SHE wants.

Why can't you be over the moon for a close friend getting the things they want most in the world and being happy, without your partner assuming it means you want the same?

Original poster
neonorchid · 21/05/2021 23:00

Thankyou all. You have all given me some perspective on this in one way or another.
I am quite aware he is entitled to his own opinions and feelings that goes without saying. I am beginning to feel like I am just an option for now though. I play mum and try to be a good partner maybe it's not enough for me though. And that isn't his fault.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 21/05/2021 23:03

It is his fault if he’s taking the piss out of you and your time by expecting you to “play mum” and offloading household and childcare stuff to you.

Why are you doing that? Your idea or his?

Are children of your own on the cards?

lucy5236 · 21/05/2021 23:04

If marriage means a lot to you and you really want it, and he doesn't value marriage or see the point in it....then you do need to consider if it's a dealbreaker for you. Such a tough decision Thanks

The part I don't think is necessarily correct is the fact that's he's happy for his friend getting engaged automatically equates to him wanting marriage with someone else and that he only sees you as an option. I think you're being too hard on yourself

AtrociousCircumstance · 21/05/2021 23:16

Yeah it is his fault if he’s utilising you OP.

Imjustsootired · 22/05/2021 14:12

My thoughts would be, why is he so happy for them if he doesn't 'believe' in marriage? Surely he wouldn't give a shit if this was the actual case ?

lucy5236 · 22/05/2021 14:32

I guess there are some crazy people out there (myself included) that are happy to see their friends happy 🤷🏻‍♀️

If one of my friends got something they'd always wanted and were over the moon, I'd be happy for them and I'd take joy in seeing them happy. I wouldn't only be happy for them if it was something I wanted myself