Talk some sense into me

[neonorchid]

I've been with my OH for a few years now and we've lived together for about 18 months. We pretty much get on really well, we've had a few minor hiccups but nothing major.

I've always known OH isn't interested in marriage. I've been married before a long time ago and really have no preference either way about getting married again. OH and I have spoken about it occasionally but he is always of the opinion that it's just a piece of paper and he doesn't believe in it.

Anyway he was telling me about a friend who has asked him to he his best man and he was over the moon for him. He told me his friend said to him isn't it about time you followed suit? Then more or less just shrugged it off and said to me we're all different aren't we? I don't know why but I feel really hurt by it. He's so over the moon that his friend has found someone to settle with and I just feel like he obviously doesn't feel the same way about me.

I'm being a dick, I know I am but I can't help but feel a bit disheartened by it all.

I think you can be thrilled for a friend having something you know they want, but you don't. Like if you don't want a child, you can still be thrilled that your best friend is pregnant. So I don't think thats the issue.

But you want to get married, and he has categorically told you that he doesn't want to, that's it's a piece of paper and that he doesn't believe in it.

Don't be sucked in by the "it's practically like we're married anyway, why do we need paper to make it official?" Line. Find someone who can't wait to marry you - you deserve nothing less

His usual comment on weddings is I don't do them and I don't like going to them. I get he's happy for his friend I'm happy for them too.

I just feel like it's a little kick in the teeth towards me to be honest. Yes I would like to get married to him, I honestly feel like he's my best friend.

If at some point I feel able to bring this up with him I will.

Well he has got you being a nanny for his son and there you are doing all the wife work but he doesn't believe in marriage. First of all he should be doing the caring work for his own child, you should not be doing this. He should also be contributing equally to all household chores. Unless you have a vast inheritance due that you don't want to share with him you should be insistent on marriage if this is what you want with this man. Otherwise move on from the selfish twat.

I pretty much do everything for him and his child and it feels like a kick in the teeth

Why? Do you think it’s a woman’s place to skivvy around after men? Trust me, they very rarely respect it, a lot don’t even value it.

I don’t think you’re being a dick. Sounds like you are both settling. You know there is something lacking so maybe it’s time to go out there and find somebody else.

@Naunet

I pretty much do everything for him and his child and it feels like a kick in the teeth

Why? Do you think it’s a woman’s place to skivvy around after men? Trust me, they very rarely respect it, a lot don’t even value it.

Spot on. Why should he marry you? He's got you as cheap staff.

You've said you're not bothered by marriage either way, you live with him and look after his kid.

Why would he marry you?

A friend recently got engaged and I was pleased for her because marriage is something she’d always wanted, I on the other hand would never get married. Being pleased for her and being anti marriage for myself is not a strange position to take. I have the opposite attitude to kids, love my own child and pretty meh about other people’s.

So you were content in the relationship up until this, hmm, I think you need to examine your feelings before you go making assumptions about his. I suspect this has triggered something, which you will need to address.

I don't think you are being a dick at all, you are allowed to change your mind. I think you just need to say to your partner that you thought you were ok with marriage being off the cards, but actually, whilst you don't necessarily want to get married right now, you need it to be an option and not written off completely.

Sounds like, you've been caught in the trap. You're good enough to skivvy for him but it good enough to marry. You auditioned as a servant, rather than a partner.

It's not just a piece of paper.

Stop doing everything. And see if he's still interested.

I think it is bringing up questions that you didn't realise you had about the relationship. I would be reflecting on the following:

Does he respect you and treat you as an equal and put equal time into housework and do the bulk of parenting?
Does he value and cherish you and tell you how much he loves you regularly and shows this with affection and thoughtful treats?

Or...

Does he rely on you to parent on his behalf such that it's now an unspoken contract that you are mother to his child whilst he gets free time?
Do you do the bulk of housework and admin, whilst he get to choose what he does with his time?

It's not a piece of paper, it's a piece of paper with a binding contract in it. It's like doing building work for someone who says "I don't believe in contracts". You need to have this out. Discuss all the financial and other commitments that are automatic in marriage and see if you have the same commitment from him. It's all too convenient for him.

I don't think you can blame him because you've changed your mind.
How strange, when it's been going along fine, that it's suddenly a trap, a convenience for him, and all the rest that's been said.

I pretty much do everything for him and his child and it feels like a kick in the teeth.

Why do you do this?

Why do you love someone who feels entitled to let you 'play mum' which presumably means you do some of the more rubbish bits while he does the fun bits?

Do you think he feels a total responsibility for his child or do you think he uses women around him - his ex, you, maybe his mum - to do what he views as 'wife work'? If the latter, that makes him a misogynist.

I think you need to be honest with yourself. In your first post you said you weren't bothered about getting married, in subsequent posts you've said you would like to get married. If you are feeling as crap you say in your posts I would say it's time to get out of the relationship, because it's not what you want ultimately is it.

Stop doing everything for his child op! He’s taking the piss!

I pretty much do everything for him and his child and it feels like a kick in the teeth.

I was pretty on the fence about this until your update above. Are you both working?

It sounds from what you have written that you are doing the lions share of the household work and even providing childcare for his DC.

This changes everything. Why are you doing that ? What makes you stay?

For your own self esteem, I'd say have a conversation about what you really want and be prepared to drop him if you want different things. Don't just be his household drudge while he claims to not believe in marriage.

if I feel able to bring this up, then I will

Imagine your way though your life, say you are sixty, what do you want your life to look like? Will you be content to know that you provided household service and childcare for a man who was not interested in marrying you ? Do you want your own children some day? Find someone who really really loves you and wants a life with you, not someone who finds you convenience for housekeeping and child care.

Head up, you are so worth so much more than this. I really wish I could make you see it now, not just when your life has gone bye.

I do do the lions share of everything in the house but he does provide for us all the best that he can. I do care for his child a lot and I don't actually do what I do for him, I do it for his child.

I have spoken to him about how I feel and told him what I think. I don't think anything will ever change in his mind which is fine with me. I almost feel now like would I want to marry him anyway if he asked?

Since I wrote the OP my feelings have changed about the situation and this thread had a helped me make sense of it all. So Thankyou all for your advice.

My husband didn't believe in marriage when I met him. His mum and dad married, split up. Then they both met other people never married and stayed with the new partners for over 40 years without marrying and we're happy. He didn't see marriage as the only route to success. I did want to marry. I knew it was a deal breaker for me. After five years he proposed. No pressure. Still married 21 years later and the most amazing husband I could ask for. It's not always because they are selfish dicks. Men are allowed to feel that way. If you choose not to pursue as it's not something you can give up on then you have to make that break.

@neonorchid

I do do the lions share of everything in the house but he does provide for us all the best that he can. I do care for his child a lot and I don't actually do what I do for him, I do it for his child.

I have spoken to him about how I feel and told him what I think. I don't think anything will ever change in his mind which is fine with me. I almost feel now like would I want to marry him anyway if he asked?

Since I wrote the OP my feelings have changed about the situation and this thread had a helped me make sense of it all. So Thankyou all for your advice.

You are not being a dick but I do believe situations like this make you resentful of the other person and make even make you revise your thoughts . What conclusion have you come to ?