Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Was he flirting or was I being irrational?

37 replies

Thelm · 21/05/2021 08:52

Before lockdown my DP reconnected with a group from his old workplace. The group included one man and five women.

At first I had no problem with this really. But I soon became suspicious about him with one of the women. He would only talk about her and then it became apparent that he used to fancy her when they worked together but nothing had happened between them.

What really annoyed my though was when we were on holiday he came a across a rock on the beach with her initials on, took a photo and sent it to her saying something like ‘now I know what you get up to on a weekend!’ She replied saying ‘it wasn’t me 😜’ and he replied ‘don’t lie Miss Smith (not her real name) the evidence speaks for itself....’

I didn’t find out about this until he accidentally let slip that he was messaging her privately and not as part of the group. He doesn’t message any of the other women. Just this one.

Am I being dramatic to be worried about this? He says I am and that I’m trying to stop him from going out with his friends. It’s just coming to a head a bit now with lockdown easing.

OP posts:
gottakeeponmovin · 21/05/2021 09:04

Well from what you've said you are being irrational. That said i would be keeping a close eye on things going forward

Sampafie · 21/05/2021 09:12

I m so confused at all these men keeping their wives looped in on whom they are talking with, like if its so important for her to know, just loop her into the private chat.
I think he is trying to get you triggered OP

Chamomileteaplease · 21/05/2021 09:30

Your example does seem like a spurious excuse to get in touch with her. I mean "now I know what you get up to on the weekend" wasn't even particularly witty or interesting was it? Grin. On the plus side, it's hardly going to make her think of him in a new light is it?!

However, if he fancies her and is sending her texts, personally I think that is disrespectful to you and should stop.

Original poster
Thelm · 21/05/2021 09:49

Well yeah he wasn’t the last of the lotharios was he? 😂

He denies that he fancies her but he has definitely told me in the past about trying to get her to go out with him when they worked together.

Thanks for your replies.

OP posts:
RLEOM · 21/05/2021 09:54

So he doesn't fancy her now but he did when they worked together and tried to ask her out? But he doesn't fancy her now yet still messages her privately whilst he's away with you?

Yeah, I wouldn't be happy about that.

Original poster
Thelm · 21/05/2021 11:12

Also, he isn’t in contact with the other women in the group who he knows just as well. It’s just this one that he fancied. All I hear about is how sorry he feels for her because her partner abandoned her and her baby. Yes this is very sad but do we need to hear about it every day. One of the other women has cancer and has lost all her hair but he’s only mentioned this once in passing and isn’t bothered in the slightest.

I’m trying to not let it bother me but it’s pissing me off. He is going to try to meet up with her soon as well.

OP posts:
watchingtheflowersgrow · 21/05/2021 11:18

What's your relationship like generally? Are you both happy in it? Are there any men you message like this? He might not realise what it really feels like for you unless he gets a taste of his own medicine!

Rubyreddiamond · 21/05/2021 11:28

I wouldn’t be happy about them meeting up. Considering he used to fancy her ( something unrequited there) and this chat sounds flirty. I’m fine with friends who are women but this one, as you mention, is just walking into danger.

ravenmum · 21/05/2021 11:29

When my exh first met his OW he kept talking about a woman he'd interviewed who had lived abroad but been "brave" enough to leave that life behind and start again in her native country. It struck me as I had done something similar but my ex did not find it exciting at all.
And when my ex's affair came out, I discovered that various times I'd noticed him being overexcited were all related to women he'd been chatting up.
So yes, in your position I'd make a big mental note of the mentionitis and overexcitement - but still give him the benefit of the doubt without further evidence.
Of course he'll deny and claim you are being unreasonable: he's hardly going to admit it. If you say you're suspicious it just gives him a chance to make you doubt yourself, and makes him more careful.

bettertimesareacoming · 21/05/2021 11:35

Ah op the people on here saying you are being over the top amaze me . I'm getting to the point by here . He fancies her 100 percent . For him to be thinking about and messaging a women when he is out with you says it all . The only reason them two havnt done anything is because she's obviously not interested. 100 percent if she was he would be there in a shot . I have been through this op that's why I am saying things the way they are . As for the text to her about knowing what she gets up to on the weekend was flirty . You need to put your foot down .

Original poster
Thelm · 21/05/2021 12:00

I don’t message other men in this way no. I don’t think it would be very respectful but appreciate that other people have different boundaries.

I think this is just him though. He did the same with one of his colleagues in the past. He seems to like attention from younger, pretty women. He doesn’t seem to care how it makes me feel.

I think our relationship is Okish.

OP posts:
Rubyreddiamond · 21/05/2021 12:04

Red flag op

Original poster
Thelm · 21/05/2021 13:48

I should also add that he has other women friends and I don’t have a problem with them at all.

OP posts:
Workinghardeveryday · 21/05/2021 13:59

I agree red flag. Doesn’t mean he is up to anything but she is on his mind a lot.
Try and spice things up between the both of you, he will forget about her! The grass is always greener and all that.... show him it’s not

JesusIsAnyNameFree · 21/05/2021 13:59

I wouldn't be happy with this at all. And the meeting up.. just the two of them? Nope.

Original poster
Thelm · 21/05/2021 15:57

@Workinghardeveryday I just don’t really feel like trying to spice things up you know? His attention is not focused on me so I don’t know if I would feel like I was begging for crumbs of affection.

OP posts:
Outbutnotoutout · 21/05/2021 16:06

I would leave a couple of solicitors names and numbers laying about.

When he asks about them, say he has checked out your marriage and you're looking at options.

Rubyreddiamond · 21/05/2021 16:55

Op just say it’s not on, for all the reasons you’ve given here. While you wouldn’t dream of stopping him seeing any of his female friends this is different. If he doesn’t lose the contact, he is risking you . It’s up to him what he does next. I gave an ultimatum like this way back when I was dating dh. He had a similarly odd relationship with a woman and I saw enough to call a halt to it. He could carry on but I was out of there. He had lots of other female friends that I’m fine with and get on well with. Trust your gut and protect your marriage

Ciaobaby92 · 21/05/2021 17:23

My husband made it a point to comment how "brave" this young, single mom was at the park, for taking her son fishing, all alone, without a man to help.

In the meantime, I'd just lost my father to alzheimers, had a lumpectomy, and managed to graduate from an intensive technical program.

I never got called brave, just told what a failure I was. It's soul crushing when men start this crap. Do not put up with it for one minute OP.

Imjustsootired · 21/05/2021 17:29

Wouldn't like that. Blatantly obvious he is trying to get her attention. What was the actual point of his message to her? A rock with her initials? Pack it in. And all the "miss smith...." bit flirty.

Hes planning to meet her you say? When? Just her? Can you go too?

Original poster
Thelm · 21/05/2021 17:42

He hasn’t said anything concrete about meeting up so I don’t know if it’s just them or not. I know that he tried to engineer a 1-2-1 night out when everyone else who was meant to be going out cancelled. She turned him down.

I asked to go out with them one night when I was at a loose end and he refused to let me come along.

OP posts:
Outbutnotoutout · 22/05/2021 09:42

I wouldn't be happy with this at all.

He is trying to engineer dates with her!!

He is private messaging her!!

I would look at his phone and see what's going on. I would also tell him your off to see a solicitor about options as it looks like his mind is on her and not your marriage.

Globaluser · 22/05/2021 11:34

Shouldn’t that read your ex husband @Ciaobaby92

What a tosser!!

And so is OPs husband

Load of knobheads

Norabatty40 · 22/05/2021 12:54

Yes he is flirting

Dontletitbeyou · 22/05/2021 15:33

So he tried to engineer a 1 2 1 night out with her when he knew that everyone else had cancelled and she turned him down .
Sounds a bit cringey, and he also sounds sleazy . The fact that he tried to get her to go out with him but never actually managed says it’s all .she’s not interested, and I doubt she’s a threat to you . The fact is though, you acknowledge she is the one he’s interested in . I’d finish it , leave him to embarrass himself chasing after someone who’s clearly not into him in the slightest .