I don't think I'll ever get over his affair

[huntinghigh]

I've been here for years but have nc as want to be honest in the hope of getting some advice that might help.

I just feel so wretched and pathetic admitting it, but it's been eight years since xh's affair and I still regularly cry when I am reminded of it.

I threw him out when I discovered it and felt very empowered at the time. I got a good financial settlement, and have a really good life that is usually very happy.

But it is always there, just below the surface. I don't have sm and am no longer in touch with his family or any mutual friends by choice because I couldn't cope with news. I have changed the house and all of our old routines. I have really, really tried to move on.

But the slightest thing - scent, piece of music, type of food - brings back floods of memories and I am sobbing. We lived next door to each other as children, went off to university together, were married for decades, three dc all adults now. I haven't got any memories that don't include him and now even the good ones are painful.

I don't want him back. He asked often enough. But I can't believe he did it. How could he? He had an affair for years. I was a good wife, a good mother, worked hard at my career, everything.

How did I not know? I am so thick and naive and gullible. I haven't even attempted dating in eight years. My self esteem is so low that I'd make terrible choices. I'd be a terrible, suspicious partner. I wouldn't survive another affair. It's how it has made me feel. Just worthless.

I rarely hear news about him but he is still with ow. They are engaged I think. That doesn't bother me at all btw, except glad the divorce wasn't for nothing.

Other women get over it. Friends have divorced and remarried while I've stood still. There must be a trick to getting past it, is there?

Maybe some counselling would help? Or perhaps CBT or something similar to try to ease the hot-button thoughts?

I absolutely think you need counseling. It sounds like you have ptsd, which is very common after the discovery of an affair.

I'm so sorry to hear you're still suffering after all this time. Are you still in the marital home? If so, would a fresh start in a place of your own be an option so that you don't have all the memories? Also could you keep yourself busier by joining some groups or volunteering? I always start ruminating when I have time on my hands so keeping busy means I am generally happier. There is a great website called meet-up.com - it's not dating it's just for doing activities with people in your area who enjoy the same things like hiking or cinema or crafts etc. Good luck x

I can absolutely see why you’d still feel like that, OP. Sounds so painful for you, I’m sorry.

I think you’d be a good candidate for therapy.

I really wish you well, you don’t deserve to feel that way. I hope you find yourself again.

I second the suggestion of counselling. I split from my partner 9 month ago and have recently been seeing a clinical psychologist as I seemed to be becoming more anxious and depressed as time went on. She was lovely and explained that yoyr brain has no concept of time so awful memories like this will just keep reappearing for years until you process them properly - sometimes with the help of a professional. Knowing that has done wonders for me.

I have no wise words OP, I just know what heartbreak feels like, and how painful betrayal is.

To be honest, I don't know how anyone truly does move on from such a betrayal. The examples you give of others 'moving on' are what you perceive. I am sure that many people, though physically move on, still experience feelings/thoughts associated with the betrayal.

It seems you are stuck, and I agree with PP that counselling is a starting point.

Good luck OP, it is very hard indeed

I'm very sorry and totally understand where you are coming from, sometimes life is just not fair, you did nothing to deserve this yet have been left with such hearbreak.

You say he has asked to come back?, even though he is still with the ow, is he still in contact with you quite often ?

Maybe if he is, is this is preventing you from getting the memories to lesson.

Sending hugs

Sensorimotor therapy will do you wonders. Lived next door as children ! Therapy will do you wonders.

Just keep remembering you did nothing wrong. You live with the sadness but he lives with the shame and guilt. 💗💗💐

Having someone professional to talk to could do wonders in even a short period of time . It seems you blame yourself, but anyone in a relationship would expect to trust their partner. You weren’t to blame.. you were right to expect to be able to trust. That trust has been shattered and, quite rightly, because you’re human you are feeling human pain - you are grieving for what’s past and a professional will help you move through those stages of grief. When people don’t move through those stages they can remain paused in that grief for years. There are amazing and wonderful counsellors out there.. choose one that you can check out and feel comfortable with .. who can gently give you the time and space you need to move through these stages. Remember: you are not to blame.. you rightly leant on a lifelong relationship that you had no reason to question and you are grieving

Your ex murdered a part of your soul and a huge part of your identity. I know that's a dramatic term to use, but it's true. The betrayal you've experienced is as bad as it gets, and no one could fault you for still being devastated about it. You are still greiving that part of you that's died. I do think therapy is a very good idea.

Thank you for the replies. I did try therapy in the first year after it happened but didn't feel like it helped. Perhaps it is time to try again, I hadn't thought about it but so many of you are recommending that I'll look into this.

I did see him regularly for the first couple of years, but don't see him now. I do live in the marital home but I love it and have made lots of changes. It doesn't feel like his house any more.

It is very hard. Perhaps you are right that other people in my position feel similarly and put on a brave face. I guess that is what I have done, as nobody in rl would ever imagine I felt like this, and it's why I'm posting on here and never discuss with friends.

Affairs are so common it seems, but I really wish people would leave with integrity rather than subjecting their spouses to this.

Thank you for your comments. It was really helpful to wake up to kind words.

It's important to get the right counsellor, some are really good, some not, if you don't connect then try another

The event was traumatic. All your memories he has tarnished. Of course you will feel like this. Your trusted him. He let you down. Most definitely try counseling again and a life coach to make you see that you can move forward. He has ruined only what happened in the past, don’t let him do the same to your future. Good luck.

I just want to give you a big hug. You poor thing. You have been through a huge trauma and that takes time to get over. If you are still struggling then you need help and if you have had counselling then it wasn't the right one perhaps. In my experience you have to be ready but also see the right person.

I wish there was something I could do to help you. I know the pain you are in .

Such an awful thing to go through. I second everyone suggesting therapy. I have heard that therapy is most helpful a year or more after a traumatic event as before that you are still really in shock and not in a place to process and work on what happened, so trying again may be worthwhile.

I second going to see someone professionally. It may have been too soon when you first went - sometimes we are still in shock and still processing. Sometimes the therapist isn’t a good fit - make sure you feel at ease and comfortable with them and the style of therapy they use.

I completely understand how terrible a loss this has been - but 8 years is a very long time to be stuck with so many unresolved emotions - especially as you’ve both moved on. I’m wondering what your background is? Did you have a secure / happy upbringing? Has this break up / betrayal triggered something from your childhood?

You didn't make terrible choices, he did.

I agree, therapy. And actively trying to compartmentalise. He did a terrible thing, but you can still have fond memories- those are yours too.

Same here OP, it took me eight years to get over an unfaithful husband. We had been together since I was a teenager and married young. I really believe the problem is meeting your future husband at a young age, you don’t get to grow into an adult as a single person.

One day after eight years I realised I just didn’t care for him anymore. I have no regrets and years later I am so glad we didn’t end up together.

Oh @huntinghigh it’s so horrible.

I am one who has moved on, great life now, but am still fairly regularly floored by a wave of sadness, and a thought of “how could he do that to me?”

I am in therapy and it’s been a massive help. She tells me, as has been said above, it’s normal, as it’s grief and can come and go. It’s been nearly six years since I found out for sure.

I do have a lovely new DP, and surprisingly I don’t have trust issues with him, so don’t write it off! I thought the same as you. I’ve changed and am much more independent and self sufficient donut can be done.

Therapy, with the right person, is the answer.

Your post really is testimony to how painful and life changing affairs can be. I'm sure the affairer just thinks it's ok, people have affairs and 'shit happens' but I don't think anyone realises, until it happens to them, just how disruptive and hateful they are, the long term ramifications are huge and life affecting for the afairee.

I would also suggest counselling too op, I think it could only be a positive thing.

I read a quote which really struck me, "The best way to get over old bad memories is to create new memories."

Decide what these new memories look like to you, a new relationship? New lifestyle?

I also find affairs despicable, to knowingly deceive the person who lives you and places their trust in you causes long term damage. Sorry you are in this position but it sounds like you are truly ready to no longer stand still and reset again by posting which means you are one step closer to doing so.

I agree with therapy.

How can I say this nicely? This affair - you are now giving it more power over your life than it deserves.

You deserve to live a happier life without it hanging over your head all the time, and I say that from someone who has experienced a partner having an affair and the end of that relationship.

Thank you so much. I can't tell you all how much your words mean to me. I came on after work and your thoughtful posts really made a difference to my day. I am going to look into therapy as I think you are right - I need some professional help and it might have been too soon when i did it before.

I'm starting therapy next week because of my husbands affair with my best mate. Sounds like therapy would help you too