I don't think I'll ever get over his affair

[huntinghigh]

I've been here for years but have nc as want to be honest in the hope of getting some advice that might help.

I just feel so wretched and pathetic admitting it, but it's been eight years since xh's affair and I still regularly cry when I am reminded of it.

I threw him out when I discovered it and felt very empowered at the time. I got a good financial settlement, and have a really good life that is usually very happy.

But it is always there, just below the surface. I don't have sm and am no longer in touch with his family or any mutual friends by choice because I couldn't cope with news. I have changed the house and all of our old routines. I have really, really tried to move on.

But the slightest thing - scent, piece of music, type of food - brings back floods of memories and I am sobbing. We lived next door to each other as children, went off to university together, were married for decades, three dc all adults now. I haven't got any memories that don't include him and now even the good ones are painful.

I don't want him back. He asked often enough. But I can't believe he did it. How could he? He had an affair for years. I was a good wife, a good mother, worked hard at my career, everything.

How did I not know? I am so thick and naive and gullible. I haven't even attempted dating in eight years. My self esteem is so low that I'd make terrible choices. I'd be a terrible, suspicious partner. I wouldn't survive another affair. It's how it has made me feel. Just worthless.

I rarely hear news about him but he is still with ow. They are engaged I think. That doesn't bother me at all btw, except glad the divorce wasn't for nothing.

Other women get over it. Friends have divorced and remarried while I've stood still. There must be a trick to getting past it, is there?

That's horrible side. I can't imagine being so mistreated by a best friend too. I hope the therapy helps. I really think an affair is something you can't really understand until you experience it.

There must be a trick to getting past it, is there?

I don't think there is. Sometimes something will unlock a stuck emotion and it is like a switch, but more often it takes painful working through the issues.

I agree that a good counsellor would help. Good luck.

So sorry this happened to you and I agree that it’s likely your emotions have become stuck - very common for a PTSD type situation. That’s why a professional you can build trust with could really help. It can take time but maybe the fact your posting here shows you’re ready now to work through the emotions. Sounds like you were so strong and did all the ‘right’ practical things but perhaps those deep emotions and wounds were too much at the time so they have lingered.

You can get past that though, and live a happy life again without this horrible trauma triggering off all the time.

I know you say you don't feel your house is the same one you shared, but I think it would be a good idea to move out.

How have your children coped? Do they see him? You say you don't hear what he's up to now - do the children feel they can talk to you about him?

Sorry OP for what you are going through. My ex left me suddenly and unexpectedly 6 years ago for OW. I had therapy to get over the PTSD that I suffered as it caused me massive anxiety attacks when he left, I was blind sided. My daughter suffered too. I have been in and out of therapy for the last few years as I suffered some relapses around the time he walked out but I am mostly very strong now and in a much better place. However, 2 weeks ago was the 6 year anniversary of him walking out and I still found myself unexpectedly in tears....it lasted a day and it was over. My therapist gave me the tools to self sooth and put things in to perspective . Please get some therapy as it has helped me enormously move on and be strong.

Both significant men in my life have had affairs. I think a lot of men feel entitled. They have a partner, children, a nice house, good food but they feel entitled to more. It's not that the ow is better, she just has lower standards and boundaries than you, for her own reasons, or she may not see the red flags or whatever. There must be good men out there but I think with opportunity men have a sense of entitlement we don't share

Hello,
I totally understand where you are coming from OP. It has happened to me. As others have said it’s PTSD. And really painful.
I have had counselling which was good but what has made a real difference to me is Energy Psychotherapy/EMDR. It’s weird I can’t lie and you have to suspend any scepticism and go with it, but it has worked for me.

You are grieving for the husband and life you had. He betrayed you spectacularly and now he’s playing happy families with the OW . No wonder you feel this way
This isn’t your fault, you shouldn’t feel thick etc, he’s the stupid one.
You need to make a new life and new memories 💐

How was your Parent's marriage- very bad so you wanted to do better, very good so you feel you have failed, we're you let down by your father?

"How have your children coped? Do they see him? You say you don't hear what he's up to now - do the children feel they can talk to you about him?"

My children are all adults now and living independent lives. They do see him, but circumstances mean that I don't hear as much about him/his life as I did when they were younger and lived at home.

"How was your Parent's marriage- very bad so you wanted to do better, very good so you feel you have failed, we're you let down by your father?"

Parents married in their 20s and still together. Would describe it as a normal marriage, happy overall but with the usual occasional argument or disagreement. I have never felt that I was comparing our marriages. I suppose I am disappointed that I won't have what they have - long marriage, big milestone anniversaries, children/grandchildren visiting them both at the same time.

Unless DH was very hands on as a parent you will see lots of DGc sometimes too much and have visits to them - babies and toddlers are such hard work