Stay friends and wait or move on? (Sorry, long!)

[troobleflooble]

I met a guy through OLD a little while ago.

Our first date went fantastically well, we had an instant connection and spent the whole day talking, flirting and just having a great time. Ended up in bed together and the sex was amazing. He wanted to be 'in a relationship' properly straight away, which I was fine with as we knew we liked each other a lot and didn't see the point in waiting. We spent some days off together and I met his friends and some family members (all at his suggestion).

Fast forwards a couple weeks and when we met up he seemed a bit 'off'. Just quiet and not his normal chirpy self. I got a text later that day saying that he was very sorry but that he isn't fully over the breakup from his ex wife (about a year ago), that he isn't emotionally ready for a relationship yet and doesn't want to hurt me by not being able to give me what I want/need. Said he really likes me and we have so much in common, he wants to stay friends.

Initially I was very hurt/angry/confused because this was a huge 180 on how he'd been with me prior to this and it also sounded like a typical 'line' from the player's handbook how to let someone down gently that you don't like very much. I just put it down to experience, deleted his messages and reactivated my OLD profiles. Saw that he had reactivated his too, which just confirmed my suspicions.

However. Since then I haven't contacted him but he has been messaging me almost every day. Not anything sexual, just mildly flirty and fun, friendly chatting. Asked me to hang out on the weekend, which I did and we had a nice time. He opened up a bit about his breakup which he hadn't done before and I feel like I might have been wrong about him being a player. It is really stupid and naive to think he might actually be genuine? I've been hurt and treated like crap so many times before I just assumed the worst but I think he was actually telling the truth.

He said he doesn't want me to 'wait for him' to be ready but that he feels a really strong connection with me (which I do too) and I guess neither of us want to lose that. He has since disappeared off OLD too..

I have no idea what to think! Am I being stupid or does he genuinely like me but just isn't ready? What do I do about it?

My head is saying it's silly to feel like this after such a short time and I shouldn't wait and potentially waste my time but my heart..

I just don't want anyone else now I've met him 😞

I'm sorry to hear this, straight answer- move on.
Don't try and be friends because you have feelings and this will prevent you moving on.
I wouldn't say he even deserves your friendship, he led you on to believe you could have a relationship then to take it away from you and to see him back on a dating app must of been a kick in the teeth for you. Honestly if this guy wasn't ready I doubt he would even be wanting to date if he felt that bad! Perhaps he met someone else already or gone back to an ex so he's come off the apps again.

I know you are hurting right now but honestly no contact, talk to other men to keep your mind off him and you will find someone serious.

See this is why I'm questioning things because those were all my assumptions, that he just didn't like me that much and wanted to let me down as gently as possible. Usually when guys say they want to 'stay friends' it's either that:

They want no strings sex instead of an actual relationship

Or

They don't want any contact at all

That isn't the case with him because he actually does want to stay friends (and possibly more 😂) and to test this I haven't contacted him - he has contacted me. Hasn't asked for sex.

He did also mention that he was back on OLD just for sex (I didn't ask, he just wanted to explain as he knew I'd seen him on there). So while that's sad for me it seems that he really isn't looking for another relationship yet.

I was upset initially that he broke things off but I've also been there before when I've tried to move on and not realised until I've done it that I'm not ready. I think that's why I'm considering sticking around, because I understand what he's going through.

I agree with Seensome

Block him he's playing you.

If he wanted to be with you, he would be with you like a shot, and that's despite him splitting up with his ex-wife only a year ago.

I have got a friend in the exact same position and he's kept her dangling for 2.5 years!!

Why some women allow men do this to them is way beyond me.

Did the hanging out on the weekend involve sex?

...."He did also mention that he was back on OLD just for sex (I didn't ask, he just wanted to explain as he knew I'd seen him on there). So while that's sad for me it seems that he really isn't looking for another relationship yet."

THIS GETS WORSE - sorry but you're well on your way to being a sucker (in the nicest possible way).

Have some self-respect and don't let people treat you like this. If you don't they just carry on taking and taking.

What a dick to actually tell you he's looking for sex with other women, like you'd wanna know. I wonder what he says to get the women into bed, promise of a relationship then he's gone I bet.

Even if he's not playing you, he did an about turn once and he'll do it again. Even if he's a nice guy you've been friend zoned until he feels a bit frisky, OP. Even if you're the best thing to have happened to him since his break up, he's not over it yet.

You definitely deserve more, and better.

No we didn't have sex at the weekend, just went for walks and cooked dinner. There was one time when he pulled me towards him and I really thought he was going to kiss me but he didn't, he just hugged me. He held me for ages 😞

It is interesting that he's not on there anymore, after we spent time together. I'm trying not to read too much into that.

Well I've just seen your update OP.

And to coin a phrase said by my namesake character:

Men and their cocks never cease to amaze me.

You don't need 'friends' like that, do you?

I suppose you're right 😞 I guess I just really wanted to believe that we could work out eventually, we had such amazing chemistry, great sex, loads in common. It's such a shame.

I know I'll find that stuff with someone else eventually but I'm not loving the other options out there at the moment. I'm very fussy and he ticked almost all my boxes. Dating is so hard!

I know. Although someone who's right for you won't have you really wanting to believe you can work out eventually. Relationships shouldn't be hard work and soul searching and second guessing should they?

And stay FUSSY!

Typical OLD man! He ticks every box!

Leads you on by telling you he wants a relationship

Love bombs you, makes out you're special and have a connection so you fall for him and sleep with him

Does the 180 turn, gives you some bullshit excuse about his ex, you're now heartbroken

He's back on the dating apps looking for his next victim where he will also love bomb her, make her feel special

He contacts you wanting to be 'friends' but tells you he's openly looking for sex with other women, but hey he's being honest right?

You hope he still wants you as you have feelings for him, you're looking for signs to confirm this and end up being played as a fool

Please OP you deserve better than this! Move on with someone who won't treat you like this, who wants to actually be with you.

I'd delete and block him.
Men lie. They lie a lot.
He lied to you to get you in bed on the first date.
He admitted he was OLD to use women for sex.
He's not a decent guy.

The wanting to be friends is more nonsense as is opening up. More lies to keep you dangling in hopes of a relationship while he's off screwing anyone else who falls for his bs.

This guy has made zero effort.
Walks and cooking. Zero effort.
Texts zero effort.
He's not ready for a relationship but ready to use you and waste your time.

I really thought he was going to kiss me but he didn't, he just hugged me. He held me for ages 😞

He is toying with you, he knew you wanted a kiss and he knows you are way more invested. Think about it, if it was the reverse would you lead a man on?

If you could handle FWB then that might be the solution but you are involved emotionally. You should block and move on. Painful yes but best to drop it now rather than lose more time.

So basically, your considering waiting for a bloke who may or may not decide to be in a relationship with you, to shag about as he pleases until he eventually lets you know (or maybe he won’t) his decision. Fuck that.

So he got his end away, then rejected you after future faking you. Then somehow managed to keep communication open with you and have you hanging on waiting for him whilst he openly admits that he's hunting for other women to nail then bail on. Come on OP, no man is that fucking special.

I just have so many questions!

If he just wanted sex why pretend he wanted a relationship? I might have been fine with a FWB arrangement!

If he only wants someone to shag why stay in contact with me at all if I'm not having sex with him? Why not just find randoms through OLD?

Why is he no longer on OLD if he is still looking for sex with randoms? (Admittedly I may know the answer to this - he might just be using different sites that I can't see)

Why back out of a relationship he instigated that was just casual? We weren't super serious, talking about marriage/babies, or even planning a future together, we were literally just getting to know each other and spending time together.

I feel so stupid and clueless with all of this :/

OP lots of men OLD follow this pattern, it's like a script. They tell you they want a relationship to get you into bed, it's an easy lie. He wants to keep you hanging as an easy option, a back up girl, to boost his ego and he's hoping you will have sex again if there's no other woman on the scene. He will still be on the dating apps as some let you hide your profile, or its possible he's met the latest woman so is impressing her right now.

I've experienced this and so have many others here, it happens a lot with modern dating. Don't be fooled by him these men are experts at this, you won't be the first or the last this happens to.

Don't tell yourself you're stupid OP. What you can say is you met someone, it clicked and felt right in no small part because he presented himself as a decent person and then he told you that he isn't who you thought (and hoped) he is. He's someone quite different. At the very least he doesn't want the same things you do and if you give him another chance he will show you that with increasing disregard for your feelings.

Thankfully it happened very quickly because you've got some hurt feelings; better that than invest any more time and energy trying to figure him out. There's nothing to figure out. There's nothing wrong with you. You don't need to know the whys and wherefores.

Good luck.

OP, he doesn't tick the MOST important box of them all - wanting a relationship with you.

Everything else is irrelevant. I hate to say it but if a man really really wanted you, he would not be ok just being friends, knowing you might meet someone else.

He enjoys the company, the attention, and you are a nice rebound from the ex. He gets all the loveliness of a relationship (which is what he wants, he doesn't want casual sex), with no expectations from you and no commitment. And he can still date/sleep around with no guilt because you're just mates.

Please delete him and move on. If he wants to be in a relationship with you, he can commit to you. If he isn't do not waste your time. I'm sure you have enough friends, the last thing you need is this head f**k who will ruin your chances of ever meeting anyone else.

Also men rebounding from ex-es want the trappings of a relationship without a commitment. They want the deep convos, they want the 'how was your day', they want someone to go on dates with. But not actually commit too because they don't see a future. You're the stop gap till he meets the one. Once he's over his ex, he will move on very quickly to someone he can have a relationship with and likely block you as you remind him of his ex and the time he was getting over her.

I met a guy on OLD, we met after a good few months of messaging and he was no where near ready. I remember vividly him turning round to me and telling me "I'm sorry, I'm such a mess". I live with that comment and the look on his face as we had just kissed. He told me he would be back when he is in a better place. It was and still is a complete head fuck. Walk away, don't stay friends it won't do you any good and it won't help you move on. Don't wait around for him either.

This happened to me. Lots of startling similarities (might he be the same person... surname beginning with “K”?), except he strung me along for months saying he didn’t want a relationship, could we be friends, such a connection, loved the same things, blah blah. There was a lot of attraction so of course we ended up sleeping together, he said he did now want a relationship, two weeks passed and he’d changed his mind.., the cycle would repeat. He had a few ex-lovers as friends who I think might have been on reserve. Last time he dumped me, he said he couldn’t do a relationship after his long marriage, then was texting me the next day to hang out. I kept my distance. Within a few weeks, when I offered to drop something of his back, he told me he was “happily in a relationship” with someone else. We had been friends/on-off lovers for over a year and his callous dropping of this information made me realise he was not what he appeared to be: I was an ego-trip/back-up person and nothing more. He’s tried to hoover me back since. Each time, the temptation is to think he’s finally realised my worth. But I can’t let him waste my life like this. There’s another thread on here by a woman who’s in love with a man who has strung her along for 20 years. Please don’t fall into the same trap.

Same thing to the letter happened to me....

When I read other threads on here I can see it's just a script, I was soooo fooled.

@Mermaidwaves everything you have said in your posts describes my last one to a T.