Stay friends and wait or move on? (Sorry, long!)

[troobleflooble]

I met a guy through OLD a little while ago.

Our first date went fantastically well, we had an instant connection and spent the whole day talking, flirting and just having a great time. Ended up in bed together and the sex was amazing. He wanted to be 'in a relationship' properly straight away, which I was fine with as we knew we liked each other a lot and didn't see the point in waiting. We spent some days off together and I met his friends and some family members (all at his suggestion).

Fast forwards a couple weeks and when we met up he seemed a bit 'off'. Just quiet and not his normal chirpy self. I got a text later that day saying that he was very sorry but that he isn't fully over the breakup from his ex wife (about a year ago), that he isn't emotionally ready for a relationship yet and doesn't want to hurt me by not being able to give me what I want/need. Said he really likes me and we have so much in common, he wants to stay friends.

Initially I was very hurt/angry/confused because this was a huge 180 on how he'd been with me prior to this and it also sounded like a typical 'line' from the player's handbook how to let someone down gently that you don't like very much. I just put it down to experience, deleted his messages and reactivated my OLD profiles. Saw that he had reactivated his too, which just confirmed my suspicions.

However. Since then I haven't contacted him but he has been messaging me almost every day. Not anything sexual, just mildly flirty and fun, friendly chatting. Asked me to hang out on the weekend, which I did and we had a nice time. He opened up a bit about his breakup which he hadn't done before and I feel like I might have been wrong about him being a player. It is really stupid and naive to think he might actually be genuine? I've been hurt and treated like crap so many times before I just assumed the worst but I think he was actually telling the truth.

He said he doesn't want me to 'wait for him' to be ready but that he feels a really strong connection with me (which I do too) and I guess neither of us want to lose that. He has since disappeared off OLD too..

I have no idea what to think! Am I being stupid or does he genuinely like me but just isn't ready? What do I do about it?

My head is saying it's silly to feel like this after such a short time and I shouldn't wait and potentially waste my time but my heart..

I just don't want anyone else now I've met him 😞

@bangheadhere40
Yes I've been there too, I'm sorry you've had to face this as well, we deserve better

I saw him again yesterday and I was feeling so down and miserable before then, almost cancelled as I just really didn't feel like it.

Didn't cancel and ended up having a really good time again. He said some stuff that was..I don't know. It could be just lines from the script but he sounds so genuine. I can't help but believe him, but it probably is just wishful thinking on my part. I want to believe it so badly.

Was very close yesterday to telling him that I can't stay friends with him because it's not good for me, it's too hard to want him so much and know that he doesn't want me back. Then I saw him and I just don't want to give him up, even if we're not together! I don't have a lot of friends so part of me thinks even that is better than nothing but will the hope destroy me?

What a head fuck. It's messing with my head so bad and I'm not the most emotionally stable person at the best of times 😂

Well, just seen he's got a new profile on POF and all the others I'm on. He's been active too so he's obviously on there and looking.

So I obviously am just a sucker then. Fucks sake. Why am I so fucking gullible?! They must see me coming a mile away 😞

Fuck it, I'm on the rum.

I’m like you, don’t have loads of friends...I’m really selective and when I like someone, I really like them. The problem is... the time and headspace you’re investing in this man is time and headspace you could be giving to getting over him and finding someone who values you and loves you as you deserve. I’m in a very similar position, someone did something very similar to me and it’s a total head fuck. I think about him every day. But if he saw your value, if he loved you, he would be with you. I know, it’s shit. xx

@troobleflooble

Well, just seen he's got a new profile on POF and all the others I'm on. He's been active too so he's obviously on there and looking.

So I obviously am just a sucker then. Fucks sake. Why am I so fucking gullible?! They must see me coming a mile away 😞

Fuck it, I'm on the rum.

Block, delete and just take it as a lesson learned.

I'm another victim of this OLD "not ready for a relationship" malarkey.

Happily remaining single now!

Delete delete delete

OP you're not gullible, I was where you are last year and its brutal. A lot of men online act like this which is why I've come off it. They lie to pick up as many women as they can and then lie again. This will be a painful lesson for you and many women have experienced this, it's nothing you've done wrong.

@Persephonespip I'm exactly the same, I'm really fussy as I've had so many bad relationships I need to keep my standards and boundaries high. So when I finally meet someone who I like and meets my needs I get really attached and invested in them. I know he's taking up valuable head space and I shouldn't let him.

I'm just so fucking disappointed. Again. It's actually really painful to be on the OLD sites and constantly seeing him pop up knowing he's out there actively looking for someone else. It really hurts.

I'm so tired of being let down and lied to. I want to just come off everything and resign myself to being alone forever, (I don't have many other ways of meeting people) but I'm so lonely. I need love! I need sex! I need companionship! Why is it so fucking difficult 😞

Well I got a little bit drunk last night to work up the courage to tell him I can't be friends with him. Realistically we were never going to be friends. At best I would have been his stop gap fuck buddy until he was 'ready for a relationship' and got with someone else (which would have left me devastated). I probably would have gotten more and more emotionally invested in him the more we hung out. I would have waited and desperately hoped that he would one day choose me but it probably wasn't ever going to happen was it?

I am really gutted. Even more so when he unfriended me on Facebook - it sounds silly but to me that's only something you do when you really want no further contact with someone. Oh well, I guess he really did just want to maintain the illusion of friendship so he could get something from me. Fuck him.

Did you tell him that you couldn’t be friends OP?

If not please please just block him, remove him from social media and move on. He really isn’t worth another second of your time.

Yep I met two of these OLD. Trust me, he is wasting your time. Just block and move on. When you meet the right person it will not be this complicated

I did tell him. He didn't put up much of a fight, he obviously didn't give a shit and is just out there looking for his next victim target.