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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Friendship - should I end it?

36 replies

User1110 · 20/05/2021 17:19

Not sure if this is the right place to post, couldn’t find a friendship section. And I’ve NC’d just in case...

I have a friend that I have known since uni. We became friends via our boyfriends at the time. We lived together for 2 years. She makes me laugh and I know that if I really needed her, she’d be there for me.

This friend, however, has everyone treading on eggshells. She expects an awful lot of everyone - for example, when plans change, she gets really annoyed. I suffer with some ill health and some days I’m in a lot of pain and have, for example, wanted to cancel seeing her but couldn’t because she would kick off.

She also talks about ALL her other friends behind their backs. She’s talked absolutely disgustingly about some of them, calling them a c*nt. This is normally over something minor like cancelling meeting up for a drink or something.

Anyway, I am her MOH and absolutely regretting it. She only has me in the bridal party. She asked me in September last year and her wedding is June next year - can I back out? I’m fully aware I will probably lose her as a friend but the final straw for me was last week, when we last spoke....

She facetimes me to ask me if I have organised her hen (abroad, for 22 people) and I said not yet. I would love to book something now - but understandably, people are reluctant to with current restrictions etc. I explained that people are on tight budgets and cannot afford £160 tests on top of what will already be a big expense. She said she basically doesn’t care, if they can’t afford it they shouldn’t come (these are meant to be her best friends who are scrimping and saving to afford it). I suggested a U.K. hen for a weekend and flew off the handle, screaming and crying down the phone at me as thats ‘not what she wants’.

It has left me so so upset. We are all rallying around after her, saving our money and booking off AL for her and she throws it back in our (my) face.

I’m sorry this probably doesn’t make much sense, I know it’s badly written. I have been upset all afternoon (I think I’m hormonal!) and it feels good to get it out. I’ve basically answered my own Q, but what would you do? Step down from being MOH? Leave the friendship entirely? I am not a confrontational person so this is really hard for me.

OP posts:
cheesecrackerz · 20/05/2021 17:25

Step down from MOH and leave the friendship entirely

Redwinestillfine · 20/05/2021 17:30

Yes. Text her and tell her you're not prepared to put pressure on people to commit to an abroad hen do in the current climate, not are you prepared to and so based on her previous criteria you are bowing out of the wedding and suggest she finds a moh who will do her bidding. I suspect she'll struggle to replace you.

Toucan123 · 20/05/2021 17:32

She's not a friend, she sounds awful and it doesn't sound like she adds anything positive to your life. I'd do exactly as Redwinestillfine suggests.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 20/05/2021 17:34

Oh my god, step away from the friendship and resign as MOH.

She sounds like an adult mean girl and I can never understand the friendship groups than enable bullies like her to continue being nasty throughout their whole lives.

She's a prick. She speaks about you all disgustingly to each other and you all sort of know it but are still going to her hen do. Why?!

Take a step back and think about whether she deserves people's time, energy, money and anxiety.

Spoiler alert: she doesn't.

Original poster
User1110 · 20/05/2021 17:35

You’re all confirming what I was already thinking.

I find confrontation unbearable and have terrible anxiety when it comes to this sort of thing (my throat basically closed up when I was on the phone to her, I could barely talk...I know it’s pathetic!). I rarely fall out with people so finding this really hard Sad

Thanks for your replies!

OP posts:
MiddlesexGirl · 20/05/2021 17:36

Step down definitely. This is way too much stress.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 20/05/2021 17:39

@User1110

You’re all confirming what I was already thinking.

I find confrontation unbearable and have terrible anxiety when it comes to this sort of thing (my throat basically closed up when I was on the phone to her, I could barely talk...I know it’s pathetic!). I rarely fall out with people so finding this really hard Sad

Thanks for your replies!

I've been there before and something a counsellor said to me stuck with me.

That I was choosing long term pain over short term discomfort.

I would put off difficult conversations that would only need to be had once (for example, ending a friendship or relationship or getting rid of a client) for fear of awkwardness or anger from the other party, which meant I went on and on and on suffering.

You can either have a really shit week now, which I appreciate it will be, by telling her you're no longer MOH and want out of the friendship, or you can keep this horrible anxiety going until after the wedding with more and more pressure piled on you as the big day gets closer and people inevitably pull out / plans change / she's more stressed etc.

Get it done and you'll feel relieved by this time next week!

Like I said, your friendship group is essentially enabling a bully to continue being horrible to people by all being too scared to walk away from her. She's not worth it, it's ridiculous when you really think about it. Life isn't high school and she isn't queen bee.

Newgirls · 20/05/2021 17:46

Am I the only one to think it’s at least worth an honest phone call first? She has been awful yes and has taken out her disappointment on you. You could tell her that she was so rude that you would like an apology. If she does that then great. Say a weekend in uk at most (if space!). If she’s still rude def say then it’s up to her to organise.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 20/05/2021 17:52

@Newgirls

Am I the only one to think it’s at least worth an honest phone call first? She has been awful yes and has taken out her disappointment on you. You could tell her that she was so rude that you would like an apology. If she does that then great. Say a weekend in uk at most (if space!). If she’s still rude def say then it’s up to her to organise.
She also talks about ALL her other friends behind their backs. She’s talked absolutely disgustingly about some of them, calling them a cunt. This is normally over something minor like cancelling meeting up for a drink or something.

This isn't a one off thing, she's a horrible person and a rubbish friend!

Triffid1 · 20/05/2021 17:55

If your'e not great with confrontation, can you write her an email and explain how her responses made you feel and why you think it's unacceptable? If she responds well, that's a bonus. But if not, you can end the relationship.

PurpleSunrise · 20/05/2021 18:04

What a horrible person she is

Original poster
User1110 · 20/05/2021 18:08

I’ve got a note in my phone of the sort of message I’d like to send her, regarding the stepping down of being the maid of honour.

I am recognising this friendship is actually very unhealthy. It’s almost like the that realisation that you need to get out of a bad relationship. I know it needs to be done, but I am really scared and it is very sad, nonetheless.

Thanks for all your replies

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 20/05/2021 18:10

Bless you OP, it is really sad I know. But, you'll feel relieved when you don't have someone bullying and bitching about you and your friends. Life's too short to entertain wankers!

Summercocktailsinthesnow · 20/05/2021 18:17

Definitely step down, if you want to do so in a non drama way then tell her your health is erratic and you are not able to manage the MOH, thank her for asking you but all things considered she deserves someone she can rely on, and let her try and find some other poor person to do her bidding!!

Once you have seen the light, and noticed how toxic the friendship is then there is no going back from that op. If she drops you, then she will be saving you the trouble. From now on I would distance myself from her, and let the friendship fade and die off.

CoelacanthSharpener · 20/05/2021 18:20

OP she sounds awful and not a real friend. Do yourself a favour and bin her off.

Bambam2019 · 20/05/2021 18:29

Some brides get so entitled about having a huge fuss made out of them, just because they are getting married. Celebrating is nice but asking people to pay beyond their means is not. You aren’t the first and you won’t be the last unfortunately to have to deal with a bridezilla, OP. It isn’t worth your financial and emotional stress. Either tell her firmly (and from your description of her, good luck!!) that people can not afford it and that she is coming across badly, or walk away entirely!

HollowTalk · 20/05/2021 18:31

I think what you have to do is behave how she would behave. She wouldn't put up with this from you, would she? How would she react?

Lovelydiscusfish · 20/05/2021 18:31

Expecting 22 people to fly abroad in the current climate is staggering! She sounds a bit bonkers.

You could as a pp suggested plead stress and just duck out of the MOH thing. But just ending the friendship might be better in the long run.

In situations like this, I find it helpful to write lists - positive things the person brings to my life, v the negative. Then maybe read them out to a neutral party, and see how they sound?

Sakurami · 20/05/2021 18:33

Jesus op. Get out now.

HollowTalk · 20/05/2021 18:36

The friendship will end sooner or later anyway, OP. It can either end after you've been forced into a holiday abroad with 22 reluctant women, or it can end now. I'd keep hold of my money and, frankly, I'd tell the other women how rude she'd been.

Notaroadrunner · 20/05/2021 18:41

If you cannot face talking to her - and tbh she doesn't deserve the courtesy of a phone call - then just text her. Tell her that her latest outburst regarding a hen party abroad has left you no option but to stand down as MOH. She'll probably try calling you but you don't need to answer. You've already told her why you are stepping down. I wouldn't worry about ditching the friendship - she'll ditch you anyway and just think how relieved you will feel without her as a 'friend'.

roadwarrior · 20/05/2021 18:47

It is hard to end a relationship but the sooner you do it the better for both of you. She'll have time to find someone else to do her bidding and you will have one less toxic relationship to deal with. She sounds like a real handful.

halfhope · 20/05/2021 18:48

I'd withdraw from the MoH role and let the friendship go. 💐 OP

Welshgal85 · 20/05/2021 18:50

I really feel for you OP, she sounds horrible to be honest and that she is putting you in a really difficult situation. I understand what you mean about hating confrontation as I am the same but think she is being extremely unreasonable and very childish.

I think that you should be honest with her and say how you feel. She won’t like it, as she won’t be getting her way which it sounds like she usually does, but at least you can explain why you are stepping down from being MOH. I think she is being very unrealistic expecting a hen party abroad this year anyway!

I agree with what another poster said about it being worth pulling off the plaster and having the short term awkwardness of talking to her about it, rather than the long term saga of her demands and unreasonable behaviour.

You deserve a better friend than this, someone who listens, is kind and supportive and doesn’t slag people off behind their back Flowers

Notaroadrunner · 20/05/2021 19:02

And even if she gives in to a UK break don't agree to continue being her MOH. This is just a taste of what she will be like for the next year!