He doesn't love me

[WhatAMessSheIs]

Long story short but I'm in love with someone who doesn't love me back.

I've known him for 20 years and in all honestly, I loved him the moment we first met, we hit it off instantly. We have previous relationship history from when we were younger but it ended amicably and we've always been in and out of each other's lives since.

We are amazing together, the type that no matter how long it been the moment you see them it's like you have never been apart. The type that when you see each other you want to instantly rip their clothes off. The type that when you around each other, your stomach hurts from laughing so much.

He has told me I'm his safe place. I've been practically living with him for the past 2 years, we've done everything together, met family met friends, you name it, even when covid hit, everything ran smoothly and naturally. It felt right.

I have never felt more alive than when I am with him.

Recently we had a minor argument that leads to us having a heart-to-heart conversation about where we are at with this. I tell him I love him, this wasn't a shock to him, he has always known this.
Now he has told me he loves me in the past but this time he looks at me and tells me that he loves me as a person and that he cares for me so deeply but he can't see anything happening between us...

It was a gut punch, to say the least considering how amazing we have been together. I asked him if the reason he always came back to me was that he knows I'm going to be there? and his reply was yes.

I am so confused?

But also, I love him so much that it's messing with me mentally. Since the conversation, we haven't seen each other, obviously. I attempted no contact but he sent me a lousy message saying that he can't stop thinking about me and there I go and reply. I love fucking talking to him, god I have missed him so much but I don't know what he wants from me. We've been speaking daily over the phone, throughout the day but this just makes me want to see him, and its driving me crazy.

The thought of losing him or walking away from this breaks my heart, I can't imagine it but what choice do I have? Please someone help me make sense of this?

Thank you :)

So carry on and be his support human.

But best prepare yourself for the time he gets the person he does love in his sights. He has told you what he will do!

What he wants from you is emotional support, a social hug, a cheerleader. Someone who will listen to him and not really criticise, be his daily dose of adoration, no strings attached!

What do you want out of life?

Cos if it's to be seen and loved as a fully functioning, independent adult, this bloke isn't doing that for you!

Ah bless you xxxx

Hard as it is, you know what you need to do. It's no good otherwise. He'll just hang around suckling off your boobs for safety and home, and then one day meet someone else. Meanwhile you'll have elongated the fantasy that he's the one for you when he only saw you as friend/mummy.

If he sees no future, go and find a man who CAN see that future.

I'm 46 now and my first big heartbreak happened when I was 26 or so. I was so heartbroken I couldn't see anyone or be inside, I had to go out every night after work and sit by a tree in a field. I could not see any possibility of another man whatsoever. I can tell you now, there will be another man, and a cleaner, better, simpler love. Dont be that woman who gives your life away for a fantasy.

You walk away and go no contact. Because the relationship you have in your head is not one he wants. As painful and agonising as it it (and I have been there too), you can't make someone love you.

Everything can be perfect between you, but if he isn't feeling that little unexplainable something that makes him want to commit to you forever, you can't change that. No one can really understand what makes people fall in love. You have no control on what he feels. However, you can control getting out of a situation that has already taken over 20 years of your emotional head space stopping you from meeting your real true love - the one who will reciprocate these feelings.

As much as you love him, you need to love yourself more. If this was going to be a thing, it would have been a LONG time ago. He has now been honest that it never will. One day he will meet someone who lights up his world and it will destroy you to see them together. Don't do that to yourself. You deserve a love that is equal, with someone who wants you and isn't just with you for comfort and security.

Let him know you need space, then take it. Do not reach out or respond to any of his messages. He's had 20 years to think this through, nothing is going to change now. Don't get sucked into the 'I miss you's. Talk is cheap, commitment isn't. I would take him off social media too, and not have any communication at all. It's brutal, but you need this to wean off 20 years of unrequited love.

I randomly found the book, 'it's called a break up because it's broken', to be a really, funny and oddly empowering way to deal with cutting off contact, being kind to yourself and staying strong. Try it, might help.

I'm really sorry. It's heartbreaking news to hear but you will get over this and you will be ok, as cliche as that sounds. He is not the only man you'll ever love. Somewhere out there is a man who will make you much happier than this one ever could. Keep your heart open for him.

Cold turkey is the only way forward for you. No more cosy chats via phone, SM or ANYTHING.

Time to cut the cord.

I agree you'll have to go cold turkey and no contact. It's heartbreaking OP but it's the only way you'll get over him and be able to move on with your life.

You either take control and cut contact now or you're going to have a horrible and heartbreaking time when he meets someone he does want to be with and goes all in with her, simultaneously dropping you altogether and breaking your heart in the process. I hate to say it but he may well meet someone and it move really fast, doing all the things with her that you wanted him to do with you. And you'll have put your own love life on hold waiting for him. Please don't do that.

Life's too short, cut the contact now and don't waste another day wishing for something he has outright told you he doesn't want. He's been selfish keeping you hanging on a string when he knew you felt more strongly than him but he has told you he doesn't love you. Listen to him.

This could be me!

It's very sad that it's come to this. You were very brave to tell him how you feel. But his response isn't what you wanted, and simply isn't good enough. And you know that.
Going forwards now, for your own healing, you need to cut the cord and go no contact. It doesn't need to be a dramatic thing or a guilt trip to him. But an acknowledgment, that right now your friendship has come to a crossroads. And it's best for you both, to spend some time a part.
You may be able to resume the relationship in the future, but only in one of two scenarios; you've got over any romantic feelings for him, and genuinely miss his friendship or he comes back to you with true conviction and declares his feelings are deeper than friendship.

I can relate to a lot of what you have said. I have gone six months now, without seeing my best friend. We have had barely any contact in that time. I still hurt over our fall out, I still hurt at knowing he's gone, and that I can't do anything about it. But, over the past month or so, I've started to feel a little better. It's been a long grieving process, and I know I still have a way to go.

You can't just forget people that meant that much to you. But you can look to yourself and find other things, places, people to help yourself heal and learn from this pain.

In the nicest possible way you are kind of Miss Right now. He misses the easiness of having you around. Get out now while you can recover because when he finds someone he really wants to be with this will hurt a lot lot more than this. do you really want to hang around to watch it play out?

Thank you, everyone! I'm sorry, I was unable to reply yesterday.

It is super tough to read but I appreciate reading it all the same. You all sound extremely wise and strong and as much as I don't want to believe it, you are all right.

I guess taking the first step is the hardest part? I agree I need to cut the cord but it's so, so hard, I've let it get so far at this point that I love him more than I love myself but I certainly don't want to be miss right now.

@something2say thank you I must admit you are spot on and I've been the same, I find myself sitting alone a lot just in a dazed sort of reality and the thought of another man being near me or touching me right now makes my stomach turn. I need to accept reality and that everyone is right, if he hasn't wanted me in 20 years then he isn't going to change his mind in another 20.

@wanadu2022 As much as your message made me tear up, I appreciate you so much. I'm going to end today, I don't know when but I will today. It sucks that I wasn't enough for him and it started to make me hate myself, because why aren't I? But you are right I need to love myself and now allow this to dominate my life any longer. I just feel as though he is always going to be in the back of my mind.

@duacheapa your message really resonated with me, I admire your strength so much honestly and if no one has told you recently, you should be super proud of yourself. I guess sometimes we lose our soul mates and I just have to learn to be okay with it. Thank you for replying x

Hi OP. So sorry to hear about your situation. Unrequited love is so painful. I agree with others (and you also know deep down) that the only solution is to go no contact with him and try to stick with it. The sooner you take that plunge, the sooner you’ll embark on your healing journey. Don’t waste another week, month, year... Life is too short.

Part of that journey may well be what you say - learning to love yourself. Loving yourself = a phrase we hear everywhere these days in discussions about relationships but IT IS the key to fulfilling relationships with others. And learning to love yourself takes work. A lot of work. Just like everything worth anything in life. Read some books, watch some videos, speak to a qualified therapist - whatever it takes to help you along the journey. There are plenty of resources out there, find what resonates with you. For me, one of the books I’d recommend is How to do the Work by Nicole LePera. YouTube stuff by Briana MacWilliam is also pretty good in my opinion.

Healing from a painful relationship takes time, it’s often a rollercoaster, sometimes you take a step forward and three steps back, it’s like a grieving process but that’s ok, it’s important to accept all the stages, don’t be afraid to feel the lows/moments of extreme sadness, move through them and know that tomorrow will feel brighter. And if you make introspection/self work part of that process, you’ll emerge stronger, wiser and your next relationship will be so much more fulfilling .

All the best OP

I hope he isn’t using you for sex ?

Oh, that is a really hard situation, dear. I hope that you will get over it

If he were a decent guy, he would let you go, what he's doing is cruel knowing you are in love with him.

I was in a situation just like this, except it only lasted a few years. I was absolutely obsessed and didn't think I could move on from him or want another man. Then I had a few months distance from him, during which time I met my DP, with whom I experienced reciprocal love and never looked back. You won't realise how capable you are of loving someone else that would actually make you happy until you allow your mind to not be constantly on him.

*Now he has told me he loves me in the past but this time he looks at me and tells me that he loves me as a person and that he cares for me so deeply but he can't see anything happening between us...

It was a gut punch, to say the least considering how amazing we have been together. I asked him if the reason he always came back to me was that he knows I'm going to be there? and his reply was yes.

I am so confused?*

I'm not trying to be cruel but why - he's been honest, he's made himself clear.

Are you confused about why he's spent so much time with you, stays in contact etc.?

I guess because he likes you, enjoys your company, likes the company, the support, the admiration, the laughs etc.
But he doesn't want more, he doesn't feels he loves you romantically - he said it "love you as a person".

This is like taking one to the stomach from Tyson, and many of us have been here, but you have to move on. Because you're getting hurt and are only going to get more hurt when he gets in a relationship. And you're not free (emotionally) to meet someone else ... Which you don't feel like now but will in future when the limerence wears off.

He's acting selfish by contacting you again - he knows you feel like you love him and want a relationship and are heart broken and are trying to recover .. he needs to stop doing that, it doesn't reflect well on him at all. He can have other friends.

Tell him your cutting contact and that if he respects you he will respect that decision and do the same - not get in touch with you in future.

In your mind you think he's lovely and perfect for you because you get on so well. But look at the reality, he's known how you felt for a very long time but kept you dangling all that time. These are not nice actions, he's played on your feelings to stroke his own ego, and when you find some resolve and try go no contact, he sucks you back in, telling you he misses you. That makes it all about him, if he was considering your needs in this, he would of left you alone.
Next time you find the resolve to go no contact, you are going to have to block him everywhere. Tell him prior to that, that you need him to not contact you, so you can move on.
In fact, only by going no contact, is there maybe an outside chance that he may change his mind and realise a few things. You should make him miss you and feel the hole too. It's win, win, either you will get over him finally, or he will change his stance, so you have nothing to lose by going no contact, except the friendship, which you should replace with genuine friends.
You are missing out on finding someone who wants to love you by staying in this situation.

@OrangeFudge Thank you! Especially for the book recommendation, I am going to look into this as you are very right and I do need to focus on self-love before anyone else can love me, which is evident. How do I get past in my head the hope of him changing his mind? I tell myself and I know it's a long shot but my stupid heart is still hopeful and hesitant to leave.

@DinosaurDiana I would hope not but I'm not so sure on anything anymore. We obviously slept together but I also thought our relationship had a lot more depth too.

@Cermit Thank you, it is hard.

@aSofaNearYou Thank you, I thought he was decent, I've known him so long and have had him on a pedestal. He has always seemed so down-to-earth and understanding and I felt I could really be myself with him. I do feel as though I'm obsessed with him like i can breathe without him which i know is pathetic and i need to just get over it but it seems impossible. Even when we have been apart and not in contact, I've compared everyone to him, how do I get over that???

@MarshmallowAra Thank you, honestly, it's hard to hear but I don't think you're cruel at all. I guess my confusion was how he could seem so into me and infatuated when in fact he didn't really feel that way at all, it felt real and was from my side so that hurts.

@youvegottenminuteslynn Thank you, I understand I need to go no contact. The thought of it is scary.

@Opentooffers You are very right, in my head, I think he is the most amazing person I've ever met. The way you have described the situation is as though you know him, or me even and I really appreciate your view, I guess my vision has been clouded.
The thing is, everyone is right if he hasn't fallen for me now in the duration of years that we have known each other then he is never going to so this time isn't going to make a difference. I am blocking my own blessings by waiting for him, how do I officially get over him though because he has always been in the back of my head? even when we have been apart and in separate relationships?

He's using you and doesn't care about the pain his lack of deep love for you, is hurting you. That alone is enough to say you should cut him from your life entirely.

Thank you, I thought he was decent, I've known him so long and have had him on a pedestal. He has always seemed so down-to-earth and understanding and I felt I could really be myself with him. I do feel as though I'm obsessed with him like i can breathe without him which i know is pathetic and i need to just get over it but it seems impossible. Even when we have been apart and not in contact, I've compared everyone to him, how do I get over that???

I feel like I totally get how you feel here. It honestly felt like people were just being flippant when they told me there were plenty of fish in the sea, I just needed to move on etc, because I felt like they didn't understand how deeply I felt. I was stuck in a rut and totally obsessed with him, not only did I think about my actual feelings for him, I also had to think about things like wondering why he didn't love me back, worrying about him dating other people and feeling sick when I knew it was happening. He didn't want to be with me but he never cut me loose, I was left in limbo, it seemed impossible to move on from.

I think the reality is that as intense as these feelings are, they are born from continued, intense interaction. When you just don't see them or talk to them it's so much easier than you think to move on from, it's a cliche for a reason. In my case I happened to quite quickly met somebody else I had an equally strong connection with, only this time he felt the same way and it grew into something far greater. If I had still been seeing and talking to the first man a lot at the time I probably wouldn't have been properly open to talking to DP.

I don't think your man is necessarily a total bastard. He may genuinely like you and value your friendship and not want to let it go. But he is being selfish by doing so, because you can't move on until you have that space and this has been going on a really long time. You might even find it's possible to rekindle your friendship down the line when you are in a different place emotionally. I know if the man in my case got in touch with me now, I would have 0 romantic feelings for him, something I once thought impossible.

@tentosix Thank you, I do realise now that his behaviour is for selfish reasons rather than having genuine emotions for me. It's so shit.

@aSofaNearYou WOW. You are, incredibly wise. You have described word for word what is going through my head right now. I think you are very correct in saying that whilst contact is still there then of course things are intensified. I feel like I've allowed it to get so bad, mental health-wise, that I would accept the sadness of not having all of him just to have a piece of him. How fucked up and sad is that? Your right I'm not allowing anyone to get close at all because, in my mind, I've met my person. But I haven't. God this is such a mess.
I think that's what makes it worse, he isn't a complete ass, he's actually a genuine, decent guy who just doesn't love me and I need to accept the reality of it. I hope I can be as strong as you are. Thank you, you've really helped (even though I'm a wreck).

Oh god this happened to me. Pick me up dump me, tell me he could live without me. Friendship of 20 years. Over and over.
And we slept together too.

There are some extremely useful comments on here, it’s intensely hard to lose someone who has been a friend for so long. Much harder than just a romantic connection.

But he is using you, he might not even realise it. But he is.

Mine did something really terrible and let me down badly, which means I have to go no contact for my pride more than anything. And I’m going no contact you have to know in your heart this person is gone forever. They’re never coming back. That in itself is a hard thing to go through.

I’m a month on from the end. I spent all yesterday crying. So it’s not easy. Not at all.

I also went through the phase of thinking I would put up with anything not to lose him. Literally kill myself not to have to never see him again.
But that’s not viable.

@Taliskerskye God, it's like your reading into my thoughts right now. I can relate to everything you just said. How did you pluck up the courage and not be drawn back? I'm finding it incredibly hard, I've convinced myself the bare minimum is enough if it means I get to experience the happiness I have when I'm with him.
I'm sorry you're going through this too and I'm inspired by your strength, its such a shit situation to be in. I really do love him.

It's a gut punch when the person you're madly in love with tells you they don't feel the same way. His honesty is admirable – he could easily lie and keep pretending it's a real relationship until he meets someone he does love – but he's chosen to be truthful. However, his subsequent behaviour is not how a friend should treat another friend. He knows how wretched you must be feeling yet he's instigating daily phone calls to keep you dangling and knows he can reel you in again at any point he gets bored of dating other women. It's incredibly selfish, arrogant, disrespectful and demeaning to you. So, ask yourself, is this really the kind of man you want for a life partner, to be the father of your children, someone with so little regard for your feelings they don't care how much you're hurting, as long as their ego stays pumped up?

You are deserving of so much more, OP.