He doesn't love me

[WhatAMessSheIs]

Long story short but I'm in love with someone who doesn't love me back.

I've known him for 20 years and in all honestly, I loved him the moment we first met, we hit it off instantly. We have previous relationship history from when we were younger but it ended amicably and we've always been in and out of each other's lives since.

We are amazing together, the type that no matter how long it been the moment you see them it's like you have never been apart. The type that when you see each other you want to instantly rip their clothes off. The type that when you around each other, your stomach hurts from laughing so much.

He has told me I'm his safe place. I've been practically living with him for the past 2 years, we've done everything together, met family met friends, you name it, even when covid hit, everything ran smoothly and naturally. It felt right.

I have never felt more alive than when I am with him.

Recently we had a minor argument that leads to us having a heart-to-heart conversation about where we are at with this. I tell him I love him, this wasn't a shock to him, he has always known this.
Now he has told me he loves me in the past but this time he looks at me and tells me that he loves me as a person and that he cares for me so deeply but he can't see anything happening between us...

It was a gut punch, to say the least considering how amazing we have been together. I asked him if the reason he always came back to me was that he knows I'm going to be there? and his reply was yes.

I am so confused?

But also, I love him so much that it's messing with me mentally. Since the conversation, we haven't seen each other, obviously. I attempted no contact but he sent me a lousy message saying that he can't stop thinking about me and there I go and reply. I love fucking talking to him, god I have missed him so much but I don't know what he wants from me. We've been speaking daily over the phone, throughout the day but this just makes me want to see him, and its driving me crazy.

The thought of losing him or walking away from this breaks my heart, I can't imagine it but what choice do I have? Please someone help me make sense of this?

Thank you :)

I know it is so very hard.
I'm just now finally getting over my ex to the point I'm going days without thinking about him at all.

It took awhile to go NC. Every time I broke it, I ended up more hurt.

Once I decided to go NC and stick to it was when I finally started to heal and get over him.
I also made an effort to knock him off the pedestal I'd put him on.

He wasn't perfect. So I started making a list of things he did that annoyed me. Then I wrote down the times he disappointed me or let me down.
Every time I was tempted to break the NC, I would take out that list and read it over and over until the urge left.

I feel like I've allowed it to get so bad, mental health-wise, that I would accept the sadness of not having all of him just to have a piece of him.

I did this for years too. I know it's nearly impossible to see when you're still in it but all I can say is in hindsight I'm SO glad I didn't do this forever, because this arrangement was nothing compared to the actual mutual relationship I had afterwards, where I wasn't constantly feeling shit about myself and thinking about him meeting other people. Even if the man himself is perfect, that kind of relationship just isn't.

I think as a person I struggle to let things go and initiate moving on, which is dangerous when the other person won't do the right thing and do it for you. But there is no way you wouldn't end up happier by putting this whole situation behind you, because the scraps of someone that doesn't love you back just makes you miserable.

I'm really glad this thread has helped you, I think this is a sadly quite a common experience a lot of people go through. Hopefully all the different stories of how much better life is on the other side will help give you the resolve you need!

My best friend was in a similar situation to you. Best friends with someone who didn’t want a relationship with her, but they were sometimes more than friends, sometimes slept in bed together just as friends. She wanted more, he refused, said he didn’t feel like that about her. Then one day she decided that it was all too painful and told him that she could no longer do it. He said it wasn’t fair that he was being punished for something he couldn’t help. But she stuck to it. Within a week he was back and said he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her.
They are now married and have a child together x

I only cut contact finally because he let me down badly. And I couldn’t go back.
But basically I went back many of times over 5 years. Not easy. Especially as even now as my best friend I miss him desperately. But he doesn’t want to be with me. He just wanted someone who could be all of his support/encouragement/love. Without really having to give anything back.

This happened to me but not for the same length of time. I went no contact as I realised this is what I needed to do. Even his friends told him what he was throwing away. He did come back after a couple of failed relationships but when this did happen I was able to honestly say "I know I was the best thing that ever happened to you, shame you couldn't admit it at the time". I walked away with my head held high and it was the best feeling ever. I am now very happily married to someone who loves me as much as I love him. BTW, I am older than you are. There is light at the end of the tunnel.

@LoudestCat14 Thank you so much lovely. I guess right now I would say yes to all of those things but with a clearer head of course I want someone who respects me and loves me the way I deserve. I wish I could snap my fingers and it all be over.

@RantyAnty Thank you! Honestly, well done you! You give me hope, I've considered making a list too as I think it's a brilliant idea but I think I need to wait a while as pathetically, the headspace I'm in right now, righting down his flaws makes me love him even more.

@aSofaNearYou Your right, it is making me so miserable because it's making me hate myself, I question myself often on why I wasn't good enough for him or what is it that I can do to make him love me. I am honestly the exact same, I would say I struggle with attachment issues so yes letting go and losing people is something I particularly struggle with.
It makes me feel better to hear you say you so happy that you bite the bullet and did it, I'm hoping one day I feel the same and laugh at how pathetic I was being! right now not so much laughter going on.

@Sacredspace Oh I'm so glad things ended beautifully for your friend! I admire her taking the step to leave because it's incredibly hard to do. I understand I have to let him go and ask him to let go of me too, its more of a loss on my part as I'm emotionally invested in him and he just loves me as a person.

@Taliskerskye You are me. He was so much more to me than a safety blanket but I realize that's what he has been using me for. I've made it so easy for him in so many ways because I've given him everything and I've received the very bare minimum back. Thank you for keeping me hopeful!

@willitevergetwarm Oh god, my guy's friends tell him that we are made for each other but i guess if he doesn't see it then it doesn't matter right? I'm imagining you walking away with that parting sentence and it's honestly so empowering! I am so proud of you and I am so glad you found someone who loves and treats you the way you deserve. Right now i feel like i would crumble at the knees if he came back and poured his heart out but its just not going to happen and i need to have to power to tell him no, if he ever does. Thank you, honestly. I just feel so empty.

Hello. How are you feeling now?

I hope I'm not resurrecting an old thread, I just wanted to say that, the heartbreaks I've been through, something a poster above said was true. That, if you go to contact him, you notice you just end up hurt. A lonely wistful night thinking about him, leading to contacting him because he too is alone that night just leads to another underlining of the truth, that it is not to be.

So I'd sit there and think, do I want that tonight? Do I want to regret it, to feel remorse and a bit silly? Or do I want to start another chapter that inevitably ends the same way, and which I'll be embarrassed about admitting to friends?

I found that the best thing to do is turn my attention elsewhere. Luckily I play the guitar and sing and that has been my salvation so many times.

Do what you love and get your mind off him xx cling to what is good for you and makes you happy xx another man will come along and meanwhile, look after yourself xxx

I think you’ve both been quite self centered. You’ve wanted more than what you knew he wanted to give and he has wanted more than that was healthy for you to give. This whole amazing connection you have had together, was underpinned on of self.

The first step is about taking away the pedestal you’ve placed him on. Despite all his positive qualities, your love for him allowed him to bypass boundaries that a truly platonic relationship would have had. He prioritised his wants not caring about the impact that that would have on you. You aren’t blameless in this situation, you left yourself exposed in the hope of the bigger payoff, which hopefully you’ve realised isn’t on the cards.

You may be able to still able to maintain a platonic relationship in the distant future but you do need to break the emotional dependency and that will take time given how long this has gone on.

Be kind to yourself and never again prioritise someone who sees you as an option.

hi OP did you manage to end things and go no contact? just gone No contact myself, was in a relationship that was going nowhere. No commitment from him.

hope you're ok