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Original poster

Would you reply to him?

44 replies

Harrionic · 20/05/2021 12:55

I'm new here so apologies if this is in the wrong place.

When and my ex found out I was pregnant he wanted me to have an abortion. I said no and he split up with me and he said he didn't want anything to do with the baby once it's born. I'm due on Tuesday and last night my ex messaged me and he apologised and said he does want to be involved in the baby's life. I haven't replied to him as I'm not sure if I should or not. He's only messaged a few times since last September!

OP posts:
giletrouge · 20/05/2021 12:58

Well given that he walked out on you you don't owe him anything, so I'd suggest a) doing exactly what feels right for you and not for him and b) concentrating on yourself and the birth and your baby while you decide whether you want to let him into your life again.
Don't be pressured by him. You are about to give birth - I think that's enough for you to be dealing with right now.
Also did he apologise or just say what 'he wants'?

BitOfAFaff · 20/05/2021 12:59

No. He made his choice now wants to rock up and play daddy. No thanks.

Rainbow321 · 20/05/2021 13:00

I'd message him you have a son/daughter .

DinosaurDiana · 20/05/2021 13:02

I guess he wants his name on the birth certificate. Think very hard before you register you little one’s surname.

DShrute · 20/05/2021 13:04

We wouldn't be able to say. How old are you both? What sort of relationship did you have before? How long were you together etc. Whatever you decide, don't fret about it now. You will feel probably completely differently after the baby is born . X

JesusIsAnyNameFree · 20/05/2021 13:05

He's the dad, shithead that he is 🤷‍♀️ tell him once he's involved, he's involved though so think carefully about this.

Yellowhighheels · 20/05/2021 13:05

Well it's a very long time for him to wait to get in touch but whether I'd hear him out would depend on what he was like in the relationship and how much I felt I could trust him, beside the huge matter of him walking away.

But yes, I agree with giletrouge the priority now is looking after yourself and preparing for the birth.

Even if you're not dead set on shutting him down and want time to think, feel free to kick this down the road for now. He's in absolutely no position to expect to be at the birth or to see the baby straight away or anything like that. It would be a lifelong commitment so there's no rush.

Nonmaquillee · 20/05/2021 13:05

No. He can F off. He doesn’t get to pop in and out of your life on a whim and certainly doesn’t get to do this to your child.

updownroundandround · 20/05/2021 13:52

Don't put him on the birth certificate, regardless of what he wants. (It would give him 'parental' rights e.g a legal say in whether you can ever take your child abroad, even just on holiday, or have them vaccinated, or what school they go to for example)

Don't reply to him until you've had the baby and registered the birth legally. (You don't want him to start being able to 'demand' his parental rights to see his child, do you ?)

Give yourself time to become a parent (and let your hormones settle) before you reply to him.

If and when you do reply, simply state what YOU need to happen before you'd be willing to allow him to see his child (supervised).

  1. Pay maintenance for his childs upkeep.
  2. Respect for you as the parent who has legal rights to this child.
  3. Any contact with the child will be at your discretion.

If he's happy for all that to happen, then he's serious about wanting to help bring up this child, but if he refuses, then it's all about him having 'rights' and not about what's best for his child at all.

Honeycombskl · 20/05/2021 13:56

Your child has a right to know their dad but I would be making sure that he fully knows and understand what this entails and that he can't just flit in and out of your child's life as he pleases. He needs to be a consistent part of their life. I agree that in terms of the birth, focus on yourself for now.

Crazyxapparently · 20/05/2021 14:08

Please think really hard about this. My ex wanted me to abort because the baby didn’t suit him. He came back when my baby was 2 weeks old and I was ‘punished’ for 6 weeks of him making my life hell nearly giving me PND before he left (again). In the time he was here I struggled to bond with the baby and was struggling with my mental health as he just made life really hard. He wouldn’t give me the same amount of maintenance he gives his other kids unless I put him on the birth cert. I knew then it was about controlling me and no the well-being of my baby. He’s not on the BC. He’s been gone for 8 weeks and has made no attempts to see his son. He gives me £100 a month (twat). He’s a very toxic man and I fear I’ll be punished more in time. If he’s anything like me ex, get him gone and quick.

However, since it’s just me and the baby we have a great time, I’m not stressed, we please ourselves, the baby is happy, I’m happy.

HollowTalk · 20/05/2021 14:16

What kind of man is he?

seensome · 20/05/2021 14:49

I would give him one chance, let him see the baby but if he doesn't keep in regular contact to visit then tell him to leave you both alone, the baby won't remember at the beginning so you can judge how he is for the first few months.

TurquoiseDragon · 20/05/2021 17:07

@updownroundandround

Don't put him on the birth certificate, regardless of what he wants. (It would give him 'parental' rights e.g a legal say in whether you can ever take your child abroad, even just on holiday, or have them vaccinated, or what school they go to for example)

Don't reply to him until you've had the baby and registered the birth legally. (You don't want him to start being able to 'demand' his parental rights to see his child, do you ?)

Give yourself time to become a parent (and let your hormones settle) before you reply to him.

If and when you do reply, simply state what YOU need to happen before you'd be willing to allow him to see his child (supervised).

  1. Pay maintenance for his childs upkeep.
  2. Respect for you as the parent who has legal rights to this child.
  3. Any contact with the child will be at your discretion.

If he's happy for all that to happen, then he's serious about wanting to help bring up this child, but if he refuses, then it's all about him having 'rights' and not about what's best for his child at all.

This, absolutely.

And make sure you give baby your surname.

Happycat1212 · 20/05/2021 18:12

Be prepared for him to dip in and out whenever he feels like it, that’s what my ex does 🤷‍♀️ Sounds like this will go the same way

14Tealights · 20/05/2021 18:35

Totally agree with giving the baby your surname and not putting him on the bc.

RantyAnty · 20/05/2021 18:43

Ignore him for now.
The last thing you need is him stressing you out right now.
Focus on you and the baby.

putthetopon · 21/05/2021 08:48

He probably wants to be able to have his choice of name for the baby and his name on the birth certificate.

He's obviously not going to be a good father, if you put his name on the birth certificate at some point soon he will be able to demand access and shared parenting with the baby staying with him overnight.

Is that what you think is best/right for you and your baby? I don't think it is.

He's got a whole lifetime to prove he can be a good father and to repair your trust in him. Don't give him a short cut!

VettiyaIruken · 21/05/2021 09:00

It isn't about his rights, it's about the child's rights. One being the right to a relationship with their father (where possible).

In your shoes I would wait until you've had the baby to contact him. You really don't need him trying to be at the birth. Also you should register the baby alone and give them your surname and get your CMS claim in!

He can visit his child and have the chance to prove himself as a father.

LaBellina · 21/05/2021 09:02

Wait until the baby is born and then decide if he is worthy to be involved in the baby’s life.

Ignore him for now, there’s nothing he can do whilst you are still pregnant, only cause trouble and stress. Also he’s a dick who deserves to be ignored.

watchingtheflowersgrow · 21/05/2021 09:11

@Honeycombskl

Your child has a right to know their dad but I would be making sure that he fully knows and understand what this entails and that he can't just flit in and out of your child's life as he pleases. He needs to be a consistent part of their life. I agree that in terms of the birth, focus on yourself for now.
I agree with this completely
Mydarlingmyhamburger · 21/05/2021 09:12

Be careful of all the people advising that you just ignore him and refuse to put him on the birth certificate. While it’s shit that he left you, there could be all sorts of reasons why he felt like he had to do that which may have no bearing on how good a father he’s going to be. He’s made the decision to contact you now because he wants to be involved, for the baby’s sake you should give him a chance. If you work against him rather than with him, the decision could just get taken out of your hands if he goes the court route. And contrary to popular belief on here, contact with the father DOES get granted with newborns. My brother took my sil to court after she left him and took the baby. Within a few weeks he’d been granted a parental responsibility order, was put on the birth certificate and was awarded 12 hours of contact spread over 4 days with a newborn.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 21/05/2021 09:14

No. I wouldn't reply to him at all. No, you do not need to give him a chance. Breastfeed, his contact will be very limited if he pushes, which he probably won't. And you're not married, very different from someone's brother and 'sister-in-law' - being married working differently when it comes to access and what not.

Don't reply. Don't put him on the certificate or give teh baby his surname.

bigbaggyeyes · 21/05/2021 09:22

Look after you, what you don't need is someone coming into your life just as you are about to give birth or have a young baby and stirring issues and potential drama.

I think I would respond, but I'd say that I'd contact him once the baby is born, and then again when you feel ready to discuss any plans with him. I'd then do exactly that, once you've bonded with the baby and settled into life as a new mother, then and only then I'd consider discussing anything with him. Be that 6 months or 6 years. He made his choice and now he has to live by it.

Happycat1212 · 21/05/2021 10:17

I wouldn’t put him on the bc, ignore pp, ime men like him never bother, my ex has never tried to get on the bc or taken me to court, they can’t all be bothered and one that’s been absent throughout the whole pregnancy is unlikely to bother, by all means give him a chance to be a dad but no bc and no naming the child with his name.

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