Would you reply to him?

[Harrionic]

I'm new here so apologies if this is in the wrong place.

When and my ex found out I was pregnant he wanted me to have an abortion. I said no and he split up with me and he said he didn't want anything to do with the baby once it's born. I'm due on Tuesday and last night my ex messaged me and he apologised and said he does want to be involved in the baby's life. I haven't replied to him as I'm not sure if I should or not. He's only messaged a few times since last September!

Do you have anyone supporting you? a birthing partner - family /friends?
I think it is selfish of him to walk back into your life when you have gone through the pregnancy on your own which must have been really difficult, lonely and a scary place for you to be.
But there is the other side to this - he is the father of your baby and you need t decide if you want him in your lives. You can not afford for him to walk away again and let you both down
There will be a lot of bridges to mend and if you are close to giving birth you need to concentrate on you and your baby for now

I’d give him a chance to have some form of involvement (including financial!) as this could be to your child’s benefit in the future, (providing he isn’t abusive or anything like that).

Very much has to be on your terms, however. Given how shit he has been up to now......

If he accepts your parameters, steps up, shows himself to be a decentish dad, then this will be to the benefit of you and your child going forwards.

For context, my ex was terrible during my pregnancy, absolutely useless, but stepped up, was good during the birth, and is now a great co-parent (Tho we are not together).

I realise I am lucky in this and that’s it’s unusual. But it’s not absolutely unheard of, and great when it happens, so worth giving it a shot, if you can do so in a no-risk way.

(I’m not of course saying you should have this man at the birth. Unless for any reason you want to. But it is in no way his right to be there).

......once you've bonded with the baby and settled into life as a new mother, then and only then I'd consider discussing anything with him. Be that 6 months or 6 years

6 years? I agree that the OP needs to look after herself initially but she does not have the right to deny her child the opportunity to have a dad for years.

Also the advice being given is implying that the OP has more of a choice in this than she actually does, as the childs father he will definitely be granted access if he had to go through the courts.

I would reply to him and give him a chance. I wouldn't put him on the birth certificate and I would give the baby your surname.

But they don’t all bother with court do they, it’s not a given.

@Happycat1212

But they don’t all bother with court do they, it’s not a given.

No but even if there was no such thing as courts then for the babies sake he should still be given the chance of being a good father to the baby!

If he gets a chance and he's useless or flaky then at that point he probably won't bother going through the courts either.

At least then the OP would be able to honestly say to her child when they are older that she did try to support the relationship.

@user1481840227

Also the advice being given is implying that the OP has more of a choice in this than she actually does, as the childs father he will definitely be granted access if he had to go through the courts.

When it comes to legal advice I find posters on mn tend to be 1-2 decades behind the current laws and legislation. People who have gone through this 20 years ago write nonsense that isn’t relevant anymore, and the other people reading it just regurgitate it like it’s true. It used to be a very hard, long and expensive road for a father to take the mother to court over contact, with (mostly) no fair outcome at the end. Nowadays it’s easy. I actually sympathise with a lot of posters on here who are trying to prevent contact for a good reason. But the suggestions of ‘just don’t let him see them, don’t put them on the birth certificate, breastfeed them so he can’t have contact’ doesn’t actually stop contact nowadays. There’s nothing to suggest this man won’t be a good father to the baby. There’s so many posts on here from mums whose partners have fought them in court for contact to see a baby/toddler they’ve never met, and they’re now panicking about leaving a nervous child with a person they’ve never met before when they had no good reason to stop them being involved from the beginning.

While it’s shit that he left you, there could be all sorts of reasons why he felt like he had to do that which may have no bearing on how good a father he’s going to be.

The only reason is because he’s a bit of a cunt.

Take your time, figure out your boundaries. If he doesn’t like it and wants to take you to court to fight for a child he wanted to abort, let him.

Yes I’d respond and give him one chance- half the bill for anything you’ve bought to date, a standing order of maintenance and a regular visiting schedule.
It’s not about the relationship it’s about the child, they won’t thank you in 18yrs if you cut off their father. I’d probably arrange an in person meeting and ask him how he foresees his involvement, oh and don’t give them his surname!

I concur in not giving baby his surname, or any input with the name or birth certificate, he made a choice and has let you carry the pregnancy unsupported by him.

As for input in baby's life, he has been flakey, I am being generous here, so until he can prove beyond reasonable doubt that he wants to step up as a dad, this means regular, no letting down, visits, financial support for the baby make sure he is aware money is to support his child not give you a freebie, see how it goes.

Perhaps text back, "I have a lot going on right now will have a think about your sudden offer of bring involved I mean I have carried this child alone for 9 months so to flounce in now is a bit rich. I'll be in touch but until I'm ready give me some space."

And have a long, hard think about it all.

But again, do not give baby his name that is non-negotiable, or his name on birth certificate.

You get to name this baby, you alone. Stay in control.

@OnlyFoolsnMothers

Yes I’d respond and give him one chance- half the bill for anything you’ve bought to date, a standing order of maintenance and a regular visiting schedule. It’s not about the relationship it’s about the child, they won’t thank you in 18yrs if you cut off their father. I’d probably arrange an in person meeting and ask him how he foresees his involvement, oh and don’t give them his surname!

Yes the half bill for anything you have bought, buggy, cot, see how much he wants to step up first.

@giletrouge

Well given that he walked out on you you don't owe him anything, so I'd suggest a) doing exactly what feels right for you and not for him and b) concentrating on yourself and the birth and your baby while you decide whether you want to let him into your life again. Don't be pressured by him. You are about to give birth - I think that's enough for you to be dealing with right now. Also did he apologise or just say what 'he wants'?

This.

Decide if you want to contact him well after the baby is born.

Give the baby your name.

Do not trust him an inch.

Protect yourself.

Good suggestion about half the bill for everything you have bought is a great idea, without ANY commitment or contact until after the baby is born.

Don't be rushed by anyone.

I hope you have support.
How long were you together?

Its your life your choice but I would not rush anything he has left you hanging for the whole of the pregnancy he could have slept with other woman and they've not worked out so he's coming crawling back just as your about give birth! give yourself time he's had plenty of it. Good luck with the baby and enjoy being a mum.

And until you've had the baby and registered the birth, think about blocking your ex so he can't message you.

I would simply respond with “I will inform you once baby has been born and we can discuss then maintenance and contact”.

Your reply should be two words, max.

"What's changed?"

Anything less than "I love you, I miss you and I realise I behaved terribly. I'm so sorry" doesn't get any further response.