Advice Needed *Sensitive Subject*

[user54545]

Hi all,
Quick background...partner and myself have recently split after more than 10 years, keeping things as amicable as possible (have house together, no kids, not married) as we really were best friends and hope this continues...

New girl has come on the scene (early twenties so about 6-7 years his junior) and appears smitten with him. She definitely has more feelings for him than he does for her and he has tried to ask for space and to be friends whilst he sorts his head out. I have met her and happy to be friendly/amicable with her however can see her spoilt, bitchy, manipulative side as an outsider.

She has now dropped the bombshell yesterday that she found out she was pregnant (apparently her contraception was affected by other medication she is on) and went ahead and terminated the pregnancy last week. He is absolutely devastated. She has been very open with him the past couple of months she has been in his life and he is finding it very hard to understand that she would not have told him/discussed before making this decision. He is really beating himself up about whether:

a: she went through this and made the decision entirely by herself, he has longed for a family and she knew this. Although not an ideal situation but he would have definitely stuck by her and given the relationship a go for the sake of the child (I understand this is not an ideal situation but he would never have ran away from his responsibilities)

b: she has made this all up - things in his eyes just don't seem to add up and he would like answers to get his head round it

I have never been in this position and understand completely how hard and devastating this topic is for many and hope this doesn't come across as insensitive but could really do with advice/opinions of how I can help him and make him see how a girl may feel in her situation. He is a great guy and I hope only good things for him, just want to be there for him and give advice and not come across as being nasty about her.

Hopefully this makes some sense, feel like I have waffled on enough!

Oh OP - I mean this kindly but it is none of your business and if you really want to be friends at a later date you need to have a bit less contact now. I did this with a toxic ex for years, was the supportive best friend through all these new women and it kept me on a hook - I didn't want to reconcile and yet my 'emotional headspace' for a relationship was taken up by him, so I could never start any new things. It's like all the work of a relationship without the good bits!
Also, he's asked for space from the girl which kinds of demotes her in importance to you, but he's clearly able to move on enough to sleep with her. This is such a damaging dynamic you must be really careful to not fall in to

@crochetmonkey74 I completely understand where you're coming from, my headspace now is completely unattached from what our relationship was. I genuinely don't see anything between him and me now, I do just genuinely want to help if I can and want the best for him and to be happy. Just struggling to understand from her mindset what she has done x

He might want children but they’ve been together 5 minutes, she was using contraception (why wasn’t he? He should be protecting his health and using condoms) and so when she found out she was pregnant she took measures to end it. It’s her body, he doesn’t get a say. It’s irrelevant he wants kids, what did he want her to do, go through pregnancy and have a baby she didn’t want and then hand it over to him? It’s honestly nothing to do with him.

I’ll be honest and say it’s even less anything to do with you. This level of involvement and engagement with an ex is really unhealthy.

If it was you in a new relationship with an accidental pregnancy would you be confiding in him? Surely it would be between you and the man involved.

Back well away. Tell him to respect her decision then refuse to discuss it again.

If he's not that into her, I don't understand why he'd be devastated.

But you don't know what's she done and you'll not understand her head space because you're not her. Just support your ex like you would any friend, listen and support where necessary but don't overstep your mark and try to explain her decisions/actions. That's between them. As PP said, you might not be together anymore but emotionally your connection seems way more than friends.

You don’t know that he’s telling you the truth anyhow. They may (will) have been together for much longer (overlapping with your relationship). It may not be true that she has more feelings for him than he does for her etc.

Your ex sounds like someone who wants to have his cake and eat it, keeping you dangling in his life as well as her.

Cut contact with him and stay completely out of it.

It's possible she has made it up, but that's quite a serious accusation to make about someone. What would be the point of lying about this?

I'd say it's more likely to be true. And she didn't tell him because she knew for sure she didn't want the baby and therefore thought it would be less complicated to terminate immediately rather than tell him and have to cope with a lot of his angst about whether to terminate or not.

I completely understand all your points, I'm not trying to get in her headspace, and to be quite honest I will remove myself from the situation as I don't want to be involved. But she told him she wanted to keep the baby but panicked, I do feel really sorry for her if this is the case. No accusations on my part!

You are the problem here. You also sound like the manipulative one. It’s obvious you’re trying to catch her out. It’s none of your business.

After a recent split, I’m sure there are areas of your own life that need attention. They are adults, leave them to it. No good will come of you being involved.

@premium77 absolutely not! If they worked out I'd be happy for them. I feel for her I really do

But you don't know what's she done and you'll not understand her head space because you're not her. Just support your ex like you would any friend, listen and support where necessary but don't overstep your mark and try to explain her decisions/actions. That's between them.

This.

It's like if a friend's partner cheats - you can't ever really know what went through the partner's head, so it's no use guessing / ruminating over it / asking others (including strangers on here) what might have happened.

You're perpetuating his worries and encouraging him to speculate, not actually helping him unfortunately.

I'm afraid I agree, you're involving yourself far too much and need to back off. He's being ridiculous to be devastated over an accidental pregnancy with a girl he doesn't actually want to be with. It's up to him to sort contraception as much as it is her. You sound jealous to be completely honest.

I haven't aired my opinion to him at all. I don't have one as I don't know! All I want to do is be there for him.

@user54545

I haven't aired my opinion to him at all. I don't have one as I don't know! All I want to do is be there for him.

I have never been in this position and understand completely how hard and devastating this topic is for many and hope this doesn't come across as insensitive but could really do with advice/opinions of how I can help him and make him see how a girl may feel in her situation. He is a great guy and I hope only good things for him, just want to be there for him and give advice and not come across as being nasty about her.

I mean, you do want to offer opinions and advice to him, as you stated in your original post.

I know your kneejerk reaction to what I'm about to say will be to dismiss it, but I think it's worth you thinking about whether you slightly thrive on drama and are (perhaps unintentionally) using drama / angst / problems to retain a bond with him that is closer than that of even best friends?

You may not be doing that on purpose but your post does comes across as that of someone who to an extent thrives on drama and gets something out of it emotionally, so you may be projecting that onto your friendship with him in order to sort of cement the idea you can be very close friends still. Wanting him to need you.

Something to think about.

Which is it?

could really do with advice/opinions of how I can help him and make him see how a girl may feel in her situation

Or

I'm not trying to get in her headspace

Can’t be both.

If you don’t want to be involved then simply don’t be.

It’s between them. It’s private.

It’s very odd you’ve even met her never mind are asking strangers to speculate on whether or not she lied about what she told him.

Your ex is sleeping with his new girlfriend. That’s none of your business. He shouldn’t be volunteering information. You shouldn’t be asking or engaging with him about it if he brings it up.

You need to move on. If you really have no romantic feelings left for him you wouldn’t care about any of this. You can’t be like normal friends because you’ve only recently split up.

Why did you break up?

Stop acting like you’re supportive. You called her ‘manipulative, bitchy and spoilt’ in your post and now you ‘feel for her’ and you’re ‘happy for them’. You are so fake.

Why do you care so much?! You are the ex turned ‘friend’ that we all have nightmares about. It has nothing to do with you.

You called her ‘manipulative, bitchy and spoilt’ in your post and now you ‘feel for her’ and you’re ‘happy for them’.

Ah yes, good spot. OP I think as I said in my last post that you're either intentionally or unintentionally inserting yourself into drama in order to stay close to him.

She'll be pregnant again soon. Now she sees his devastation, its the green light she perhaps needed. Testing the waters so to speak. 🌸

@PinkSatinMoon

She'll be pregnant again soon. Now she sees his devastation, its the green light she perhaps needed. Testing the waters so to speak. 🌸

What?

If I'm honest you sound like you want to be the woman that everyone else is measured against but never lives up to.

She is the bitchy manipulative young woman who loves him more than he loves her and then had an abortion when she knows he wants kids, and you're the supportive best friend/ex who wants to help him see the light and console him.

Hes an adult who didn't use a condom in a short term relationship 🤷🏻‍♀️

I'd call him an idiot, and encourage him to be more careful in future tbh.

You really need to stay out of it. I’m usually the last person to say that, but in this case it is massively unhealthy. I don’t think many people can go straight from being exes to being friends, without at least a gap in the middle. You clealry can’t. Read back what you read. You’re not helping.

She made a decision for her own body and mental health.
NOTHING to do with you. Your ex needs to stop involving you in his life and you need to back the hell away!

Not your circus, not your monkeys.

I know what you mean OP and I do know how you can want to be friends but he is occupying the space in your head that should only be for your partner.
She definitely has more feelings for him than he does for her and he has tried to ask for space and to be friends whilst he sorts his head out
He's not a good man discussing a woman he is in a relationship with with his ex
I have met her and happy to be friendly/amicable with her
It doesn't matter if you weren't happy with her- it's none of your business
He is really beating himself up
He's been really sketchy with her- needing space, discussing her with you and yet he is devastated that she made this decision? Sounds like she realised he was a flake and wasn't really there for her
how I can help him
not your job
make him see how a girl may feel in her situation
He was with a woman (you) for 10 years and still can't work out how a woman may feel? Also this has undertones of 'me and him will sort out this 'girl' Like you are the adults with a naive girl as a problem- no, your ex has a new girlfriend who is another woman who he made pregnant
not come across as being nasty about her
Why on earth would you? she hasn't actually done anything wrong- apart form get involved with a flake who obviously wasn't ready for a relationship
OP, not everything has to be like this, you shouldn't be so tortured over the inside details of your ex's life