Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

he hasmt had sex for 12 years

37 replies

frenchdoorrs · 20/05/2021 08:53

I’ve NC. Anyone dated a man who was nervous about sex and so wanted to wait...and wait...and wait?

I am seemingly in this situation. He’s never had a long term relationship and been single for 12 years. He did have sex years ago. He’s very very good at oral etc. Just seems to panic if I try and go further. He enjoys oral from me.

Talked to him and he just says he wants to and he’s just shy about it. He’s a lot more into it all when we’ve had a drink, but even then he will stop after being inside briefly, and that’s only happened twice. He seems very worried about how I feel and if im enjoying it. I’ve tried to reassure him. Don’t think it’s ED as he’s quite honest about things generally and I did raise it.

Maybe I’m underestimating how daunting it is to not have had sex for so long?!

OP posts:
chicfrick · 20/05/2021 09:40

Can you speak openly and honestly about it?

I had a period in my life where I didn't have sex for a long time and I was intimidated about the idea of it.

Turns out that if you fancy someone and you are horny it comes back to you pretty quick.

I would say he has problems, has he been sexually abused in the past? Was the sex he had before as part of a relationship or was it abuse or visiting a prostitute?
These are questions I would be asking (in a sensitive way!)

ravenmum · 20/05/2021 09:47

Sounds as if it is not just that he hasn't had it in ages, but perhaps that he has hardly ever had it at all, or potentially even never done it before (with a woman?) and too embarrassed to say? Does sound like chicfrick's sensitive questions would be a good idea.

Tal45 · 20/05/2021 09:51

Why is he stopping once he's inside? Is he worried about orgasming too soon? Not being able to orgasm due to anxiety? I'd try to get to bottom of what exactly he is worried about happening and take it from there.

OldChinaJug · 20/05/2021 09:52

I went 10 years without sex (entirely swxless relationship). When I started having sex again, I found it very easy to have sex with men I didn't really give a shit about (didn't even fancy in some cases) but i found it very difficult to have sex with someone who meant something to me. In fact, it's taken 8 years of flings to finally feel i'm truly ready. The fact he's open and honest with yu about this is a good sign.

JustAnotherOldMan · 20/05/2021 12:45

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

wobblywinelover · 20/05/2021 13:07

Maybe he's asexual?
Or maybe he's worried about getting you pregnant, has he been wearing condoms?
Could be a million reasons.
I don't agree with the pp about you going on top to stop him pulling out that's a ridiculous borderline rapey suggestion.
You need to just have a non pressured chat with him when he's relaxed and maybe back off a bit until you know what's going on

Cas112 · 20/05/2021 14:32

This reply has been deleted

Message quoted a now deleted post

Outbutnotoutout · 20/05/2021 14:36

This reply has been deleted

Message quoted a now deleted post.

DinosaurDiana · 20/05/2021 14:39

Did you do a similar post recently ?

Aquamarine1029 · 20/05/2021 14:42

Run for your life.

Lan2020 · 20/05/2021 15:22

This may sound odd but is he worried about you getting pregnant?
I only ask because if he's happy to give and receive oral and happy to be inside you (albeit for a short time) it seems odd he just pulls out.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 20/05/2021 15:34

Perhaps you should go on top and stop him pulling out, dunno really

That would be sexual assault so probably not the best idea, eh?

What a horrible idea, imagine how panicky that would make this poor bloke feel if he wanted to withdraw and she 'stopped him pulling out'.

Awful.

Skyla2005 · 20/05/2021 15:37

That's not normal. He needs to be honest about what's going on

thetwinkletoescollective · 20/05/2021 16:09

I think from what you are describing there are deeper psyco-sexual issues going on and that he needs to address through some sort of therapy - if he wants to have a typical adult sexual relationship with you.

How it is right now - is how it is.
You need to ask yourself is that okay? Is he willing to address this?
Are you willing to commit to him through this, in light, of it potentially taking years.

If yes, stay and commit.
If no, walk away sooner rather than later.

flashylamp · 20/05/2021 16:17

Perhaps you should go on top and stop him pulling out, dunno really

Oh deep joy. A man advocating sexual assault Hmm

wobblywinelover · 20/05/2021 17:10

@flashylamp

Perhaps you should go on top and stop him pulling out, dunno really

Oh deep joy. A man advocating sexual assault Hmm

Exactly what I thought.. Ugh
ItsNotLoveActually · 20/05/2021 17:49

Bit confused about why suggesting she gets on top amounts to sexual assault. If that is so, then every time a man is on top - does that mean it's potentially sexual assault? He can still stop,
I think, hopefully, that the PP was merely suggesting that the man takes a more passive role, which might take the pressure off him a bit. Not railroad the poor sod and force him!

youvegottenminuteslynn · 20/05/2021 17:54

@ItsNotLoveActually

Bit confused about why suggesting she gets on top amounts to sexual assault. If that is so, then every time a man is on top - does that mean it's potentially sexual assault? He can still stop, I think, hopefully, that the PP was merely suggesting that the man takes a more passive role, which might take the pressure off him a bit. Not railroad the poor sod and force him!
No, they said "Perhaps you should go on top and stop him pulling out". Not just "get on top", people are pointing out how vile it is to suggest a woman stops a man being able to withdraw if he wants to, just as it would be awful if a man stopped a woman from pulling away during sex.
Bluntness100 · 20/05/2021 17:59

@ItsNotLoveActually

Bit confused about why suggesting she gets on top amounts to sexual assault. If that is so, then every time a man is on top - does that mean it's potentially sexual assault? He can still stop, I think, hopefully, that the PP was merely suggesting that the man takes a more passive role, which might take the pressure off him a bit. Not railroad the poor sod and force him!
It was the stop him pulling out that is assault. I don’t really understand how you missed that.
flashylamp · 20/05/2021 18:15

@ItsNotLoveActually

Bit confused about why suggesting she gets on top amounts to sexual assault. If that is so, then every time a man is on top - does that mean it's potentially sexual assault? He can still stop, I think, hopefully, that the PP was merely suggesting that the man takes a more passive role, which might take the pressure off him a bit. Not railroad the poor sod and force him!

It was the bit involving stopping him being able to pull out. What is confusing about that?

ItsNotLoveActually · 20/05/2021 18:29

Come on, unless you're extremely heavier than he is, how can he not stop if he wanted to and surely he'd lose it anyway? Have any of you been on top and felt like the guy didn't have a choice in continuing? Honestly?
I get that the PP worded it badly but in theory maybe that position would take the pressure off him to 'perform'.
The OP has in no way suggested she wants to have sex regardless!

youvegottenminuteslynn · 20/05/2021 18:41

@ItsNotLoveActually

Come on, unless you're extremely heavier than he is, how can he not stop if he wanted to and surely he'd lose it anyway? Have any of you been on top and felt like the guy didn't have a choice in continuing? Honestly? I get that the PP worded it badly but in theory maybe that position would take the pressure off him to 'perform'. The OP has in no way suggested she wants to have sex regardless!
I mean... the poster said "and stop him pulling out". That's probably why everyone assumed they meant it would "stop him pulling out" rather than assuming they meant "make him more relaxed and comfortable in case it's performance anxiety."
ItsNotLoveActually · 20/05/2021 18:45

I'm agreeing the way he put it was badly worded.
In a loving environment, that position could be a good idea.

Original poster
frenchdoorrs · 20/05/2021 18:45

Thanks for helpful replies.

He is a bit of a worrier in general to be honest. He was very wary of me doing oral on him for quite a while. He seems to love that now.

He often massages my bum (sorry if tmi!!), not in that specific area but close to and he likes it when I do the same to him. I did have a fear that maybe he was gay but he’s always hard when we kiss or cuddle or even in the car if I stroke his neck etc!

I am hoping it is performance anxiety but I can’t seem to get an answer from him other than he’s just a bit shy about it and he really likes the kissing and cuddling at the moment. Which I do too so I am more than happy with that. But obviously I don’t want to never have sex with him!

OP posts:
flashylamp · 20/05/2021 18:56

@ItsNotLoveActually

Come on, unless you're extremely heavier than he is, how can he not stop if he wanted to and surely he'd lose it anyway? Have any of you been on top and felt like the guy didn't have a choice in continuing? Honestly? I get that the PP worded it badly but in theory maybe that position would take the pressure off him to 'perform'. The OP has in no way suggested she wants to have sex regardless!

Stop offering up excuses to a man advocating sexual assault Hmm