Does your DH make a proactive effort with family life?

[Doyadoyadoyadoya]

If so, how?
It feels to me like DH is merely an attendee rather than an equal partner in creating a fun, interesting and organised life for us all. Before I share more details of our situation, I'd like to know more about how other DHs contribute.

Nope most things we do as a family are organised by me I actually don't think he has ever booked a holiday if I didn't book things don't think we would honestly ever do anything, he never comes to me and says I think we should try such and such or at the weekend do you fancy doing etc I really resent it tbh

My ex never ever organised anything, one of the reasons he is an ex.

Yes, my DH is more organised than me. He would organise all the holidays, organise a hire car etc. He would also take the lead in our DC’s birthday parties- run and host them. He would take them swimming every week. Is that the sort of thing you mean?

Yes my DH is very much an equal partner in all that we do. He would find fun things to do, make plans and suggest outings as much as I would. I am more of a natural organizer in terms of personality so it might be me that does the booking after the chat, but not always. Similarly I am fussier so DH might check arrangements with me first, whereas he’s pretty easygoing so I know I can mostly go ahead with a plan and tell him. Sometimes he will do things with DD by himself, if I’m away or need a break. He will take her to a birthday party this weekend for example, and I will stay at home and write an assignment.

He’s also so much better at abandoning himself to a game or randomly playing with DD - he is better at enjoying the moment whereas I always have a need to get on and do the next thing on my list. He’s taught me to relax more than I ever used to.

The equality spreads throughout our relationship though. Chores, childcare, finances etc. I couldn’t have it any other way.

I organise most stuff but I’m a SAHM and DS goes to preschool. But DH is fully hands on at the weekend, and takes DS swimming, to the park solo etc. DH will also go to the supermarket on his lunch break and ask what we need.

We are also different personality types, I’m a planner whereas DH is much more spontaneous.

No chance of DH remembering to buy extended family birthday cards though!

We try hard to keep things balanced.

He does slightly more of the cooking, and organises all the food shopping. We’re both part time so childcare is 50/50 now I’m not breastfeeding. We plan stuff together. Feel very lucky to be with someone who would also prefer less money but more time to parent/spend as a family.

I would say I’m the planner and organiser but DH has always been like this even before kids; if we have a free weekend he might wake up on Saturday morning and say let’s do this... but he rarely plans ahead or books things.
Probably that’s a lot of our life is me thinking of things such as in the house and DH contributing

We'd go nowhere and do nothing if it was left to my husband. I'm always the instigator for days out, restaurant bookings, holidays, trips to see his family...

He's very lazy about family life and let's everything go on around him, but I work fewer hours than he does with less responsibility and stress, so I suppose it's fair that I do more of the home work.

My DH has spent most weekend mornings for the past 9 years standing at the side of a football pitch watching either DS1 or DS2 play! I do most of the weekday school run and lifts to activities as I work shorter hours. I'm more likely to organise days out. We plan holidays together.

@Twilightstarbright Please tell me you don't buy birthday cards for the extended family on his side??

I organise our home and life but he makes an effort every day to engage with the kids, take them outside to do activities in the garden and does all the football travel with our eldest. If he's up first he'll being me tea and make sure the kids are eating their breakfast. He's the one who takes them to the beach or park on the weekend (I hate that shit).

He also works his ass of 7 days a week with a very very stressful job. Which is the only reason I tolerate being the admin and grunt work centre of the house. It's not the balance I planned but there's a very good reason for how it's worked out so I can accept that.

@LubaLuca Did you ever work as many hours as him and if so, what was it like then? Were you still doing all the planning?

[quote EarthSight]@LubaLuca Did you ever work as many hours as him and if so, what was it like then? Were you still doing all the planning?[/quote]
Yes, before we had children i worked full time in the same job as him. Things were much more balanced then - he planned holidays, weekend away etc.

I didn't work at all for more than 10 years, which is obviously when everything changed and responsibilities shifted.

Yes, he took the children to school friends' parties, attended every sports day (worked from home, came out for 2 hours) organised walks for us on the weekends. Takes one child with him if he is going to the shops to spend one on one time with them. Let me have a lie in every Sunday and got up with both children, actively played with them in make believe games, lego, etc. We used to have a Friday night "disco" where we had a coloured disco ball and played music that the children "danced" to, he was the DJ complete with DJ cheesy phrases.

But do you know what, he is a really fun chap. The children are now teenagers and I can be talking to one of them and he will try to sneak into the room stealthily, so imagine a man, built like a rugby player, 6'3" trying to crawl into a room unnoticed. The children think it is funny that he still does things like that.

He is very involved with holiday planning or day to day stuff, knows their teacher's names, who their best mates were. We have a family dinner every night and everyone talks about their day, including me which is a joke because I am a SAHM in lockdown with nowhere to go or anyone to see. We play board games together and watch TV shows as a family. My sons are 18 and 15.

If anything DH organises more than me. I reckon a 60/40 split.
Having a penis doesn't exclude you from contributing to family life

My dh is all about our family life. He is involved in everything. If I was out of action or ill or just not available I have zero worries about him continuing everything as normal. BUT he was like this as a boyfriend, husband and now dad.

Yes. DH is very proactive in family life and our relationship. He'll book days out, holidays, restaurants and hotels.

My Ex expected me to do everything and it was exhausting.

I am a sahp now but dh will take the initiative to find out what needs to be done. He will want to do a practice run of everything just so he knows.

Dh very proactive too

It depends what you mean by family life

To me that's about the day to day things, which we took an equal share of, particularly organising the children and household tasks.

People seem to be thinking of days out and holidays, this is something I have always taken control of. Not because DH is uninterested/shit but because I am autistic so will fully research every last detail before even suggesting somewhere to go! We discovered many years ago this is best in my hands.

We tag team most things, I have to give him a little nudge every now and then or the laundry bin would overflow until I did it. We both consolidated our hours at work to full time over 4 days so he has DS I've day in the week every week, he takes him to swimming lesson on that day and this week took one for the team and also took him to the reopening of soft play. He's taken today off because usual grandma childcare is on holiday and said he's got things to do anyway. DS just told me he's going shopping with daddy to get mummy a birthday present. He takes DS out for a couple of hours most Saturday mornings so I can have a bath/read a book. A few weeks ago he booked tickets for later in the summer for a stream train day he'd seen advertised (DS loves them). I'm the main holiday planner but I love all the research. I tend to do the grocery shopping and most cooking, he does cat litter, bins and garden more than I do, but it's generally fairly split.

No, H doesn't do anything like that. I do it all and always have (plus I work longer hours and earn more money).

The only time he did was for my 40th. He planned a day out and a meal at a restaurant. He drove there, had sorted snacks/drinks for the car and I had a lovely day. I realised that this is what it's like for him the whole time: someone thinks about somewhere nice to go, books it, drives there and sorts the admin! I had a great day - he was exhausted

I have stepped back from doing stuff for his family and him in general (eg ironing) but I literally do everything for DS and the house.

Yep. He does some of the childcare. I am main organiser (just because I enjoy it and am a bit OCD) but he organises stuff for us to do at weekends, kids activities...he takes care of stuff that needs to be done if he sees it needs doing (like cleaning, emptying the dishwasher, making packed lunches, laundry when it's overflowing). He keeps the kids busy, helps he doesn't like sitting around too much. Calls me on the way home from work to make sure we're sorted for dinner or else he'll stop and pick something up. He's also really attentive of our relationship, not just family life. I feel it's pretty equal on the whole.

I'm a sahm. I organise holidays, days out, birthdays, everything really. He would not know how to book a holiday online! I like doing it and get more of a say over what we do. He cooks a lovely roast and lots of other meals every weekend, brings kids to sports and to the park, plays with them in the garden, we watch films together as a family every night and he organises snacks. It's fair and what works for us. Every family has different set ups though. It's hard to compare like with like.