Does your DH make a proactive effort with family life?

[Doyadoyadoyadoya]

If so, how?
It feels to me like DH is merely an attendee rather than an equal partner in creating a fun, interesting and organised life for us all. Before I share more details of our situation, I'd like to know more about how other DHs contribute.

I do most of the suggesting we go out somewhere, most of the planning for days out, holidays etc.

My DP does occasionally suggest "Shall we do something today?" but then doesn't actually come up with any ideas on what to do.

I'm the "DH" in this situation.

I'm the main organiser in our family but he shops and cooks. He does some solo childcare as I do go out and do stuff alone and when he does he will take the dcs out for a walk or bike ride. So overall i'm happy with the balance.

Dp has less interest and enthusiasm for things that don't directly benefit him to be honest. Housework is shared but if I left dd to dp, she would spend a lot of her time eating pizza in front of a screen.

The one thing dp does is go in the sea with dd when we go to the beach (occasional holidays) as I can't.

I organise days out, after school activities, childcare, playdates, birthdays, supervise homework etc. I also do the Ocado orders and make sure dd has clothes/school uniform that fits and is clean.

I could go on strike but the only one who would suffer is dd.
Its a game of chicken that I lose constantly.

Dp and I both work and earn a similar amount and contribute equally financially.

I don't recognise some of the dads described on this thread sadly, most of my friends are in a similar position to me. The only one who isn't is married to a Danish guy.

I've contemplated separation but dp would do even less.

Instead I have regular weekend evenings and the occasional Saturday off to see my friends. Dp never complains.

Thanks for sharing.
Here's my situation:
He takes DCs to a club at weekends unless it clashes with his hobby, cooks maybe 2 evening meals out of 7, will pedantically look for holidays but finds every reason not to book one and then gives up trying, does not contribute to birthday organisation whatsoever despite specifying that DC should have a party, will clean the house if nagged and sulk about it, he's good at packing a picnic for days out and remembers sun hats/woolly hats which I always forget, he's terrible with family cards and presents- his friends just don't get them because I refuse to bail him out. He remembers family eventually. Will stare out of the window day dreaming at meal times whilst I soak up DCs chattering about their day etc, doesn't seem excited about family days out and rarely suggests places to go, goes on his phone during bedtimes with DCs, never discusses parenting techniques or plans for DCs future, deals with financial side of DCs education- paying for trips, schools dinners etc, but plays no part in communication with teachers, realising they need more school uniform or shoes etc, never ever sorts their wardrobes out when clothes are too small, never buys them new clothes or other day to day items, no interest in teaching them life skills like swimming or riding bikes or climbing trees. Takes an overly obsessive stance when buying something new for the house like a microwave or something, even a new kettle or toaster- he has to find the very best one for the very best deal and I don't have time for agonising over crap like that so it gets left to him. Doesn't wash bedding, doesn't do meal plans or food shops as he over-buys and always misses off household goods and toiletries, he's good at fixing toys/ putting new batteries in them, will spend hours in the garage building them a climbing frame for outside but doesn't fix it when it breaks, doesn't deal with any healthcare appointments or notice when they're ill or really knows what to do when they're ill. He doesn't think about their nutrition like I do, or make sure they're reading enough without reminders from me. Does a crap job at brushing their teeth without reminding. Doesn't do homework with them unless reminded. Plays rough-play with them on the floor, which I don't do, lets them play in the bath for ages which I don't do, let's them climb all over him at bedtimes which I don't do,.let's them stay up really late. Doesn't seem too concerned when they're emotional or hurt, seems irritated when DC has issues at school that she wants to talk through, doesn't care to think about organisation of DCs things or clearing out old toys to make room for new, allows more screen time than me.

Never organises playdates.
He keeps his own friendships very separate from us, but makes little effort with the family friendships that I try to maintain.

My DH is very hands on, does half of school runs (we are both wfh), takes DD to swimming lessons, will sometimes take kids out on his own at weekends etc if I’m busy. I’m more of the ideas person and organizer for what we’re doing at weekends and where to go on holiday, but I think I’m just better at those kind of things. I don’t mind taking the lead on these things.
He was very hands off when he was going through a person crisis, which looking back makes him really sad that he missed out on so much of his kids lives at that time.

My H is very similar to this, I posted about him being away and what should he do when he’s home and talked about some household tasks and some people said I should do most as I don’t work many hours which is fair enough. But I think you’ve summed it up, it’s not just about housework, it’s about life generally that he doesn’t have much involvement. Never does anything spontaneously with the kids, I have to suggest, sort out anything we do. He suggests rules but never implements them, then blames me as I haven’t implemented them. As I only work a few hours should it be my sole responsibility to do everything for the kids? When I hear some of the posts about dad’s taking their kids to the park etc it makes me feel sad that he doesn’t. I wonder if we weren’t together whether he would make more effort, that he just sees it as my job when we’re together.

I would say your set up is pretty standard. And it's also unacceptable. Assuming you're not a SAHM of older DC with lots more time on your hands than him?

My STBXH doesn't do anything really. He works long hours and is a high earner but besides that he is of no use to family life whatsoever really. He'll play with them from time to time. Will load the dishwasher if he's home for dinner (rarely is). That's it. That's the sum total!

My DH is very very hands on with parenting and being generally helpful. He's fab. He's not very organised though which occasionally pushed me over the edge 🤣 I'm very organised thankfully which is probably why he doesn't need to be. And I also secretly like being the organiser so it all works well.

DH has never booked a restaurant, planned a trip, cooked a meal, done a load of washing, arranged family outings, bought a birthday/Christmas present for DD, etc. We've never been on holiday so can't comment on that. We've been together for 20 years and DD is an adult now but when she was little he took her to the cinema a few times and read her bedtimes stories. I'm disabled and don't work but before I became ill I was SAHM. When I've tried to talk to DH about it over the years he says that these are our roles and I suppose he's right - if I was working it would be different.

DH is very good at doing his fair share of the day to day tasks that are right under his nose - unload dishes, cook, wash up, tidy, ferry to activities, play with DC etc.

He is utterly terrible at anything involving forward planning, remembering something needs doing without an obvious visual reminder, doing research and making a tricky decision (yet can of course do all these for his terribly important job...).

It’s one of the reasons I stopped work, because at least as a SAHM it’s fair that I carry all the mental load so I’m not as resentful as when we both worked. Short termist solution of course and I don’t recommend it. I am soon going back to work and DH will be required to take up a share of these things, let’s see how that goes 🙄