Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Really don't know what to do (TW)

39 replies

worriedmum1002 · 19/05/2021 23:20

I've been lurking for a while but this is my first ever post as I really don't know what to do.

My son turned 16 last month, his behaviour has been awful recently, with him being rude to me and getting into fights at school. I just thought it was him playing up so last week I took his phone and Xbox controller. Today he'd been fighting yet again! I tried to speak to him early and asked if anything's upsetting him and he said no.

He's just been downstairs and told me that his girlfriend (also 16 but she's almost 17) has been forcing him to have sex with her and she's been blackmailing him (he wouldn't say how and I didn't want to push him).

I just don't know what to do now and I know I'm not going to get any sleep.

OP posts:
redastherose · 20/05/2021 00:03

I think you need to find out how she is blackmailing him first to have any hope of being able to help.

Can you tell him to tell her he's been grounded for something he's done and you are taking all his devices away so she can't contact him. It will give him some breathing space.

Original poster
worriedmum1002 · 20/05/2021 04:09

Thank you for your reply, I'll ask him how she's blackmailing him tomorrow. I'm just so worried

OP posts:
Definately · 20/05/2021 04:31

Speak to Barnardos's, they run a service in most areas for supporting young people with sexual exploitation Thanks

Nickynackynooo · 20/05/2021 04:46

First, he told you so that indicates he trusts you. Which is good. I agree with the other poster who says he should tell her he's grounded and mum has taken all his devices. Try and find out the blackmail reason then its nothing she can blackmail him with is it? She sounds awful and they need to be apart, but be prepared that he may also still want to see her
Good luck

Original poster
worriedmum1002 · 20/05/2021 09:12

I'll speak to him later. Should I tell the school? I'm not sure as he told me not to tell anyone so I don't want to break his trust.

OP posts:
Harrionic · 20/05/2021 14:30

Sorry no advice but I'm bumping for you Flowers

SollaSollew · 20/05/2021 15:35

No advice about what to do about the specific issue but just some words of reassurance. My ds had some mental health problems when he was the same age as your ds and it resulted in the similar rude/aggressive behaviours so I think while the fighting etc. isn't good it's most likely a symptom of the fact that's he's under a great deal of pressure and no idea how to let it out. It will go away once the root cause has been dealt with. My ds is now a lovely 21 year old who wouldn't dream of being rude or aggressive.

As his mum and even though he's 16 the first thing I'd do is give him a massive hug, tell him you believe him and that whatever happens you will be able to fix it together.

Hopefully you'll find out the facts soon and can go from there but I wouldn't do anything until you know what's happened and the full context even if that's going to take some time to cajole out of him. It's very hard but it's best if you can ask open questions and try (though it's very bloody hard when you're worried for them) to not say anything judgemental and only reflect back his emotions rather than your own.

The biggest positive and reflection on how good a mum you are is that your son trusts you enough to tell you so the most important thing is to keep the lines of communication open with him.

Original poster
worriedmum1002 · 20/05/2021 19:06

@SollaSollew

No advice about what to do about the specific issue but just some words of reassurance. My ds had some mental health problems when he was the same age as your ds and it resulted in the similar rude/aggressive behaviours so I think while the fighting etc. isn't good it's most likely a symptom of the fact that's he's under a great deal of pressure and no idea how to let it out. It will go away once the root cause has been dealt with. My ds is now a lovely 21 year old who wouldn't dream of being rude or aggressive.

As his mum and even though he's 16 the first thing I'd do is give him a massive hug, tell him you believe him and that whatever happens you will be able to fix it together.

Hopefully you'll find out the facts soon and can go from there but I wouldn't do anything until you know what's happened and the full context even if that's going to take some time to cajole out of him. It's very hard but it's best if you can ask open questions and try (though it's very bloody hard when you're worried for them) to not say anything judgemental and only reflect back his emotions rather than your own.

The biggest positive and reflection on how good a mum you are is that your son trusts you enough to tell you so the most important thing is to keep the lines of communication open with him.

Thank you, I tried to speak to him earlier but he wouldn't tell me how she's blackmailing him so I'm just unsure as to what to do.
OP posts:
Fireflygal · 20/05/2021 19:11

Does she have photos? Has he been involved in anything illegal? Ask direct questions and also help him to break contact. Do you know her parents?

willowmelangell · 20/05/2021 19:16

Could she have some photos of him? Nudes showing his face? Ask him.

Original poster
worriedmum1002 · 20/05/2021 21:00

Yes, I know her parents but we aren't close. I still have his phone so they've not had contact for a few days (they don't go to the same school). I will speak to him again and ask questions etc but I don't want to upset him.

OP posts:
ScabbyHorse · 20/05/2021 22:07

It sounds like she knows something about him that could get him in trouble or that she has some video or photos of him that he doesn't want her to share? Can you do something with him like cooking or walking where he might open up to you?

Notworking123 · 20/05/2021 22:20

Don't you need to go to the police if she's been forcing him to have sex - that's rape and/or coercion and blackmail. If he won't go to the police could you try asking him what he would say if he heard a boy had been doing this to a girl to help him see how serious it is, and that none of it is his fault.
Well done on creating a relationship where he can talk to you.

Whysolong7 · 20/05/2021 22:23

Perhaps he has done something he is too ashamed to talk about and that is the source of the blackmail. Keep trying to talk tell him you won’t be angry whatever he says, suggest he splits up with the girl friend and say you forced him too?

Original poster
worriedmum1002 · 21/05/2021 13:45

I've spoken to him and he told me that he sent her a photo a while ago but he regretted it after but she's been blackmailing him by saying she'll show everyone if he doesn't have sex with her. He also told me that she says that if he tries to break up with her or if he tells anyone and that she'll also tell everyone he kept pestering her to send him a picture but DS said he didn't. I just feel so sad Sad

OP posts:
Seastr · 22/05/2021 10:16

Sorry OP no advice but didn't want to read and run Thanks

Umberellatheweatha · 22/05/2021 10:27

Dont want to sound like I'm saying men cant be victims or that she isnt doing what he says but..

When you said what he was accusing her off I thought 'right, and what is he using this lie to cover up?'. It sounded like something he would say to prepare you to not believe a woman. And you've updated that he is right enough letting it slip that 'she says she will say he is pestering him'. I think again, that's him covering his bases. Setting her up not to be believed.

I know no one wants to think bad of their kid but your boy has shown he has issues with all the fighting already and I suspect he is potentially actually the one causing issues with gf.

I could be wrong but...girls blackmailing men for sex...not really a common thing. Men telling other women that women are crazy/out to get them - very common.

I would reach out to the girls parents, I suspect theres something else going on. Whether it's one thing or the other it needs sorted.

Umberellatheweatha · 22/05/2021 10:28

*pestering her

Umberellatheweatha · 22/05/2021 10:35

Infact I would probably call the police and let them deal with it. But don't be surprised if it turns out your lad that is actually the coercive one.

Teenage girls can be absolutely terrifying though too tbf.

Original poster
worriedmum1002 · 22/05/2021 13:47

I don't think DS would make this up and the fighting isn't like him. He said he doesn't want to talk to the police as they won't believe him and he doesn't want to go through it all again by talking to the police.

OP posts:
Strikethrough · 22/05/2021 13:55

What she's doing is a crime, OP. You need professional support, if your son doesn't want to involve the police there must be lots of helplines or charities you could contact.

(I know this won't help with this now but you should never take a naked picture that has your face or anything else identifying in it. Not that I imagine he'll be in a rush to send anyone any other pics.)

DoingItMyself · 22/05/2021 14:11

Oh.

It's not beyond the bounds of possibility that he's telling the truth. Is she definitely 17? If she wants power over him, having photos to threaten him with and possibly having sex (has it happened? What's the evidence?) is useful. I've known young women do this. To target a man or boy and manipulate him, then go to the police claiming abuse. Very sad, not what you'd want to believe, but I've seen it.

Or, yes, he could be softening you up to hear bad news about his behaviour with the girlfriend.

waterSpider · 22/05/2021 14:59

If she has a photo of a naked 16 year-old that's surely child porn? Or maybe some kind of revenge porn. Either way could become a police matter.

EdinaMonsoon · 22/05/2021 15:33

OP I'm sorry to hear your DS is going through this. All you can do is be there for him. Think about the possibility of counselling for him and definitely support him to end the relationship.

For those of you saying that it sounds unlikely, I can tell you that it isn't unlikely: sadly my eldest DS had the same experience a few years ago now and it was an absolute nightmare. Anecdotally, from talking with both my DS's and their friends, there are a lot of teenage girls who do feel entitled to make demands of their relationship that aren't okay. Jealous & controlling and sadly sometimes with parents who seem to actively encourage that sense of entitlement - this was certainly the case with eldest DS's GF.

You say he has been fighting: Acting out as a means of coping with sexual abuse is a common trait. And this situation he feels stuck in is sexual abuse. He may feel deeply ashamed and controlled. Lashing out at others is a means of coping - of giving himself a sense of control over his own body & specific situations.

I struggled to find any support for DS because most organisations focus on young women as the victim of coercive behaviour. At the time there was a government campaign for coercion in teen relationships but I was shocked to discover it was literally only for young women and nothing for young men at all. The only organisation that did offer help to young men could only offer support to 18+ (DS was then 16). We managed to support him through breaking up with his GF and arranged for him to have counselling privately. It's taken him a long time to process it all and is still prone to being triggered by any behaviour of his current GF that could be construed as even remotely controlling (she isn't controlling thankfully but he has a heightened awareness/alarm system, if you will).

SunIsComing · 22/05/2021 15:44

Definitely tell the police. She sounds unhinged. You don’t want her to lie and say he raped her or something stupid.