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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Really don't know what to do (TW)

39 replies

worriedmum1002 · 19/05/2021 23:20

I've been lurking for a while but this is my first ever post as I really don't know what to do.

My son turned 16 last month, his behaviour has been awful recently, with him being rude to me and getting into fights at school. I just thought it was him playing up so last week I took his phone and Xbox controller. Today he'd been fighting yet again! I tried to speak to him early and asked if anything's upsetting him and he said no.

He's just been downstairs and told me that his girlfriend (also 16 but she's almost 17) has been forcing him to have sex with her and she's been blackmailing him (he wouldn't say how and I didn't want to push him).

I just don't know what to do now and I know I'm not going to get any sleep.

OP posts:

Original poster

worriedmum1002 · 22/05/2021 16:55

@DoingItMyself yes she's nearly 17.

He told me he doesn't want to talk to anyone else as he doesn't think they'll believe him. When he first told me, he told me he didn't want his dad to know but then he agreed I could tell him. I don't want to go to the police if he doesn't want to as I don't want to break his trust.

OP posts:

Pessismistic · 22/05/2021 17:14

Sorry your going through this. Could you get your son a new sim and you keep his old one to see the messages she sends him and if she does incriminate herself you could screen shot it reply back and explain this is a criminal offence and so is showing his picture and remind her he was underage and she wasn't! Maybe she just needs an adult to show her what is right and wrong and if this doesn't work ask your son if the police can get involved i can imagine his head is all the place with these threats hanging over him. Men do get blamed so I get he's scared but she should not get away with awful behaviour. Its sickening to think what she is doing its abuse. Good luck op.

luciles · 22/05/2021 17:16

@Pessismistic

Yes this is a good idea. Make sure you have lots and lots of evidence. So sorry you're going through this.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 22/05/2021 17:31

Original poster

worriedmum1002 · 27/05/2021 16:05

DS was using his old phone with his old sim card. On Sunday, I found out he broke up with his girlfriend and he seemed ok. When h got home from school on Monday he was quiet. He then told me that she showed people the picture and that she was threatening to after he broke up with her but he ignored her as he didn't think she would.

He now won't talk about it and he's refusing to talk to anyone else about it (police etc). I tried to report it to the police but apparently they can't do anything unless they speak to DS.

I really don't know what to do now and I'm just so upset for DS

OP posts:

Majortominor · 27/05/2021 17:09

Your son’s school will have a designated safeguarding lead, and also likely a deputy designated safeguarding lead. These are members of the leadership team who will have had specific training in all areas of safeguarding, including sexting, coercion and peer on peer blackmail and bullying. They will know what to do, who to look to for support and how to enable your son to get through this. If he just ignores it, the trauma will likely affect him for the rest of his life - you’ve already seen how it has changed his behaviour.

Yes, you don’t want to break his trust but, as a parent, children still trust you to do the right thing by them which, in this case, is asking the school for help. It’s part of safeguarding training - you do not keep a secret if it is one that will harm the young person in your care.

Once she’s finished with your son, she’ll do it to someone else if she doesn’t get help to change her behaviour.

Original poster

worriedmum1002 · 28/05/2021 08:01

I tried to talk to the safeguarding lead on Tuesday but they weren't available so I was told they'd call me back but they haven't yet.

OP posts:

Original poster

worriedmum1002 · 21/06/2021 15:06

Thought I'd update.

She started saying DS sent the picture for no reason and how he was pestering her for sex and most of his friends have believed her which upset him a lot but one girl believes DS and she's been coming round. He still wasn't really talking much but a few weeks ago he agreed to go to the police until his ex started messaging him on social media (she made another account) telling him that no one believes him and its ‘funny’ he took a screenshot of it and blocked her again. We also got him a new SIM but we've kept his old one as it's got all the messages on it including her asking him to send the picture and him saying no bur she threatens to break up with him so he sends it.

This weekend he's been more himself as well and he's been talking to us more. He's also agreed to talk to the police tomorrow as ive told him that they'll be able to help him etc.

I still can't believe this is happening though

OP posts:

Chicor · 22/06/2021 10:32

Hsurbbrb · 22/06/2021 10:37

Have her parents been contacted op?

baileys6904 · 22/06/2021 14:16

To the posters who straight away said oh no, hes covering his tracks, you should be ashamed of yourselves. Why is it girls should be believed at all times and yet boys are never victims? No wonder suicide rates in males are so much higher.

OP im so glad he has had the strength to try and resolve this CEOP have resources and help for this too, so and blackmailing by photos is such a common thing. They will be able to help
Hope all goes OK and your son is keeping his head up

Hen2018 · 22/06/2021 14:52

By chance, on BBC news now is a report on “Report, Remove”. It’s a new scheme by Childline for dealing with images online.

Also, tell the school. My child’s school was excellent dealing with something similar and told me they deal with this weekly.

FlowDownStream · 22/06/2021 15:34

Gosh what a difficult situation for you family I hope everyone gets the help and support they need.

Themadcatparade · 22/06/2021 15:43

Oh I am so so sorry this has happened to your DS my heart breaks for him.

I’d be straight round there me I’d be living but probably not the best advice!! Well done for standing up and supporting him he sounds like he’s needed it. And I hope he is brave enough to go to the police to sort this she needs to face the consequences of her actions. Big hugs OP I’m sure it will all settle down soon, may your DS find a lovely mature girl to settle with

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