I've seen this is quite a regular topic on here and it's helped reading the threads somewhat but I just feel like I need to talk to someone as I'm really struggling.
It's a long read so I apologise and thank you if you stick it through. I'm a lesbian with an 8 year old daughter who does not see her other parent. 4 years ago I met someone at work. It was honestly love at first sight for me. We instantly clicked but there was one issue, she had just got into a relationship. For the next 6 months we had this emotional whatever it was. Speaking most days. Facetime. We came close to kissing at work a few times but never went through with it and it never got sexual. It was just a really intense situation. I then realised I couldn't do it anymore and cut all contact. We obviously saw each other at work and we were always drawn to each other. Just conversations here and there, looks and smiles, but we worked shifts and very rarely saw each other.
First lockdown she messaged me and we spent 2 weeks back having our intense all day conversations but she was in the middle of a very messy and volatile break up and we both decided we should stop.
Fast forward to November when she again gets in contact with me. It was like we had never stopped talking. We spoke all day every day. It escalated into being on facetime up to 18 hours a day (we slept overnight on facetime to each other). We had both been made redundant due to covid and she had to move back to her parents 120 miles away so I spoke to her family on facetime most days.
Now she was obviously fully aware I had a daughter. She had met her once before back in the day. She spoke to her most days on facetime. Her family spoke to her. Once lockdown started lifting we decided we couldn't wait to see each other again anymore and she came to stay with me.
She always made it clear that she wasn't keen on children. She didn't want them herself and she didn't know if she would cope with mine as she had never been in that situation. She is 8 years younger than me so we are at different stages of our life. We decided at first for her to come during the week when my daughter was at school so she just saw her a few hours in the evening. Then she asked if she could stay the weekend. It then turned into about 6 weeks of her mainly being at mine and going back to her parents the days I had work. Everything was perfect between us. We never argued. We have the same interests. We liked doing the same things. I had never ever felt like that with anyone. It was never awkward. I saw her as my soul mate (cringe I know). She did some baking with my daughter, she bought her a few things she thought she might like. I never asked her for anything and never put it on her. I wanted her to go at her own pace. He started talking about one day buying a house together and then having a child together. Last week we spent the week together with my daughter going on a sleepover at her cousins Friday night. When I collected her Saturday, the gf decided she would go home. For 24 hours everything was fine. Constant messaging as usual. The 'I love you' message at bedtime. Then she rang me sobbing. She couldn't get her words out. And then she said it. She couldn't see it working with us as she's struggling too much with the child situation. She's spoken with her mum (who wants her to stay there with her and not move back to where she now calls home) and realised she doesn't want children and she wants to be in a relationship with someone who makes her a priority which I cant and that's not fair to me or my child.
Now as much as this hurts, I respect that. She doesnt have children and she made it clear at the start she doesn't know how she will react. I had an evil step mum growing up and I'm thankful she hasn't let it get to that point. But I am absolutely devastated. I cant stop crying. I cant eat and if I do I end up throwing it back up. It's only been 4 days but I've never felt like this in my life. I'm just lost. I feel like I've lost my best friend. I've cut all contact. Deleted her off everything and all our pictures. Everything that reminds me of her. But this feeling is horrendous. I spent the day looking at the Samaritans number and crying. I just feel so stupid but I dont really have anyone to talk to and it's destroyed me. It's not ended on a negative as such. We didn't argue. No one cheated. We had a grown up discussion with us both crying and I accepted her decision. I feel like thats what's making it feel worse
I know it will get better but I just feel so mad that she never said anything for all this time and we had the best few months finally together and then boom she rings me and thats it. Its just gutting.