Relationship ended because I have a child

[CorsaG19]

I've seen this is quite a regular topic on here and it's helped reading the threads somewhat but I just feel like I need to talk to someone as I'm really struggling.

It's a long read so I apologise and thank you if you stick it through. I'm a lesbian with an 8 year old daughter who does not see her other parent. 4 years ago I met someone at work. It was honestly love at first sight for me. We instantly clicked but there was one issue, she had just got into a relationship. For the next 6 months we had this emotional whatever it was. Speaking most days. Facetime. We came close to kissing at work a few times but never went through with it and it never got sexual. It was just a really intense situation. I then realised I couldn't do it anymore and cut all contact. We obviously saw each other at work and we were always drawn to each other. Just conversations here and there, looks and smiles, but we worked shifts and very rarely saw each other.
First lockdown she messaged me and we spent 2 weeks back having our intense all day conversations but she was in the middle of a very messy and volatile break up and we both decided we should stop.
Fast forward to November when she again gets in contact with me. It was like we had never stopped talking. We spoke all day every day. It escalated into being on facetime up to 18 hours a day (we slept overnight on facetime to each other). We had both been made redundant due to covid and she had to move back to her parents 120 miles away so I spoke to her family on facetime most days.

Now she was obviously fully aware I had a daughter. She had met her once before back in the day. She spoke to her most days on facetime. Her family spoke to her. Once lockdown started lifting we decided we couldn't wait to see each other again anymore and she came to stay with me.

She always made it clear that she wasn't keen on children. She didn't want them herself and she didn't know if she would cope with mine as she had never been in that situation. She is 8 years younger than me so we are at different stages of our life. We decided at first for her to come during the week when my daughter was at school so she just saw her a few hours in the evening. Then she asked if she could stay the weekend. It then turned into about 6 weeks of her mainly being at mine and going back to her parents the days I had work. Everything was perfect between us. We never argued. We have the same interests. We liked doing the same things. I had never ever felt like that with anyone. It was never awkward. I saw her as my soul mate (cringe I know). She did some baking with my daughter, she bought her a few things she thought she might like. I never asked her for anything and never put it on her. I wanted her to go at her own pace. He started talking about one day buying a house together and then having a child together. Last week we spent the week together with my daughter going on a sleepover at her cousins Friday night. When I collected her Saturday, the gf decided she would go home. For 24 hours everything was fine. Constant messaging as usual. The 'I love you' message at bedtime. Then she rang me sobbing. She couldn't get her words out. And then she said it. She couldn't see it working with us as she's struggling too much with the child situation. She's spoken with her mum (who wants her to stay there with her and not move back to where she now calls home) and realised she doesn't want children and she wants to be in a relationship with someone who makes her a priority which I cant and that's not fair to me or my child.

Now as much as this hurts, I respect that. She doesnt have children and she made it clear at the start she doesn't know how she will react. I had an evil step mum growing up and I'm thankful she hasn't let it get to that point. But I am absolutely devastated. I cant stop crying. I cant eat and if I do I end up throwing it back up. It's only been 4 days but I've never felt like this in my life. I'm just lost. I feel like I've lost my best friend. I've cut all contact. Deleted her off everything and all our pictures. Everything that reminds me of her. But this feeling is horrendous. I spent the day looking at the Samaritans number and crying. I just feel so stupid but I dont really have anyone to talk to and it's destroyed me. It's not ended on a negative as such. We didn't argue. No one cheated. We had a grown up discussion with us both crying and I accepted her decision. I feel like thats what's making it feel worse

I know it will get better but I just feel so mad that she never said anything for all this time and we had the best few months finally together and then boom she rings me and thats it. Its just gutting.

I don’t date anyone with kids as I’m in my early 20s and am not interested in them (nor am I mature enough to be someone’s step mum!) When I do have kids, I want it to be first-time experience for both my partner and I. Therefore when I seriously date someone, I want to be the focus of their attention. That’s normal in a childless relationship surely

That's fair enough at the start, but once you're in love and in a relationship, everyone has things that take their attention away. Whether that be a sick mother, or a child, or mental health thing, or whatever. Love is supposed to be generous not about what you can get for yourself. But maybe it just seems like that now because I'm older. You're right, I would have thought like you in my 20s.

That being said, the child thing is probably an excuse.

Unfortunately you are both at different life stages, it will probably come as no surprise to you that someone who doesn't have children will have a completely different lifestyle and commitments to have your current lifestyle is like, she will be used to doing what ever she wants whenever she wants with no childcare restrictions holding her back, it goes without saying she will likely be looking for someone else in the same position so they can treat each tother as they're priorities and do things together without childcare issues.

The Facetime while sleeping sounds very controlling. Whose idea was that?
She sounds high maintenance.

@Doona

I don’t date anyone with kids as I’m in my early 20s and am not interested in them (nor am I mature enough to be someone’s step mum!) When I do have kids, I want it to be first-time experience for both my partner and I. Therefore when I seriously date someone, I want to be the focus of their attention. That’s normal in a childless relationship surely

That's fair enough at the start, but once you're in love and in a relationship, everyone has things that take their attention away. Whether that be a sick mother, or a child, or mental health thing, or whatever. Love is supposed to be generous not about what you can get for yourself. But maybe it just seems like that now because I'm older. You're right, I would have thought like you in my 20s.

That being said, the child thing is probably an excuse.

Most people will allready know what they want from a relationship and someone who allready has children would be a deal breaker for someone who is single and free as you would be at completely different life stages, so there would be no chance of falling in love with them and they're attention being drawn away as they would simply not date them in the first place as they would be incompatible from what they want from a future lifestyle.

God the entire thing sounds so intense and childish. 18 hours a day on facetime is extremely odd. You are now being physically sick because she ended it! Come on OP time to grow up. You have a child to think of you can't sit around crying all day and throwing up everytime you eat. What kind of example is that to a young child?

Her expecting you to go to New York on Christmas day without your dd is beyond believe. She sounds like a right selfish git, and the fact she was shocked you said no says it all.

FFS! Your daughter is eight, she didn’t have a say as you kid yourself into thinking. How could she be a priority given the extent of your emotional entanglement with this woman? The lies we tell ourselves to justify our actions.

Despite everything she said about children, you effectively used your DD as a way to get her to change her mind. Face timing her family, really? Urgh.

I suspect you think that because you share the same gender with this woman that somehow excuses you fast tracking a relationship with your DD, it doesn’t.

I’m sorry you’re hurting but Jesus Christ you have been incredibly naive and reckless with the emotional well-being of a child, who has already been abandoned by one parent.

She was never your soulmate, she’s just some woman you got emotionally obsessed with.

You will most likely never have a chance to chat to her ex before you, but I think you would find it enlightening.

From start to finish, your OP was a garden-variety example of a toxic and controlling relationship.

None of that is normal in healthy relationships.

@Miasicarisatia

I think she has coldly and deliberately set out to drive a wedge between you and your daughter to demonstrate how powerful she is to herself

This a million times over

This woman has serious issues and would have destroyed you.

You think lesbians can’t be abusive? Of course they can. This was a deeply unhealthy relationship

@CorsaG19 in time you’ll see that you had a lucky escape

Seems like you made a series of poor decisions with this relationship, from the start and throughout. And spent a lot of time and attention that’d have been much better used in other aspects of your life.

OP I agree with Miasicarisatia

I think you would benefit from some counselling right now to unpick your thoughts on this. Many therapists are doing online zoom meetings.

However OP you should never have asked your 8 year old if she was ok with it. That was a very adult decision given to a child who probably would have agreed to anything to please her mum.

The intensity of the relationship was very very toxic from the start. The all day FaceTime and sleeping whilst on FaceTime is not normal and you need to look at, with a therapist why you allowed this.

This is probably totally normal toxic behaviour from this other women and the carrying on FaceTime would have probably led you to feel sorry for her - don’t. It’s ALL manipulation.

You AND your dd had a very lucky escape. Pick yourself up and book in for therapy and learn what’s normal and how to protect you both from this happening again

You lost any sympathy from me at the 18 hrs FaceTiming, including whilst you sleep.
This was not a normal relationship, she sounds toxic, picking you up and dropping you when it suited her.
Her last relationship ended badly too. I honestly think you've had a lucky escape, and more importantly so had your DD

It’s very easy to comment on just how much of a slow car crash this relationship was, and to an extent I understand the talking to the DD, not to place responsibility but to see how she felt etc

This was - to the outsider - always going to crash and burn. Well, the outsider who has already experienced an abusive or controlling relationship

I have read relatively recently about the speed at which lesbian relationships are conducted which happens for a number of reasons none of which particularly relevant here, but having been through an abusive relationship with a man, having done the freedom programme, counselling and group support sessions, I know that abusers come in all varieties, and speed is one of the MO’s they use to get the victim on the hook.

If lesbian relationships are already faster than other relationships, then there is a real risk that something could go wrong, so good to be more wary and make sure that the timetable is under your control, that your dc are protected and shielded and it’s not a hell for leather situation

You got off lightly here @CorsaG19, you really did. She was trying to get you to pick her over your dd.

Your dd has clearly suffered enough In ‘losing’ one parent already

Huge hug to you both, regroup, strengthening yourselves and your boundaries, I think counselling could really benefit you, and I mean that as someone who had therapy for similar issues

It's really tough when a relationship ends not on your terms. You are acting like a lovesick teenager when you're a grown woman with a child. How are you prioritising your child in all this? 18 hour FaceTime chats? For fucks sake!

@Cloudfrost

nowhere in this post have i seen YOU to show any consideration on how this woman basically moving in with you out of nowhere woulkd affect your daughter....

Because that's not what this thread is about.

@BookiesBicycle

Children are not objects for everyone to be allowed to play with without being checked out long term and making sure it will be a lasting relationship. A revolving door isn’t ideal. Especially when it causes devastation like this which will no doubt impact both of you quite a lot.

Revolving door? One person in 8 years??

Don't be so bloody obnoxious.

The 18 hours facetime included my 8-10 hours sleeping

Eh?

@flashylamp

The 18 hours facetime included my 8-10 hours sleeping

Eh?

Basically once my DD was asleep we would go on facetime and watch a film 'together' and chat and fall asleep. She struggles to sleep without white noise so this was it for her.

Also bearing in mind it was lockdown and she was 130 miles away. So for 4 months we couldn't actually see each other without breaking lockdown

I'm also demisexual (I can hear your scoffs already, I appreciate not everyone 'believes' that kind of thing) so I think this was a reason I was very emotionally invested in it.

Thank you to those with kind words. It's obviously not possible for me to fully explain everything so some may judge without all the facts. However I do appreciate everything said on here. Needless to say I actually feel better from it and I havent cried since. I honestly thought it was the 'perfect' kind of relationship and now realise it was far from it. I have experience the toxic side where there's cheating and abuse etc but I've never experienced the love bombing and the intense affection before so I thought that was how it was supposed to be. I'm still learning! And it's the first time my DD has been exposed to any potential partner etc so I have definitely learnt not to repeat that so soon

Basically once my DD was asleep we would go on facetime and watch a film 'together' and chat and fall asleep. She struggles to sleep without white noise so this was it for her.

Grown adults?

Also bearing in mind it was lockdown and she was 130 miles away. So for 4 months we couldn't actually see each other without breaking lockdown

The majority of adults wouldn't have spent 18 hours of their days in FaceTime though, even then!

The FaceTime/sleep things strikes me as really creepy. Obsessive. Scary even. It's not how regular adults behave and if she instigated that your reaction should have been to take a step back from such intensity. If you were the instigator, why did she not step back? Perhaps that was the case and she is piling away now because the reality of how bizarre the whole situation is has hit her. Perhaps your child is an excuse for her to walk away.

I'm also demisexual (I can hear your scoffs already, I appreciate not everyone 'believes' that kind of thing) so I think this was a reason I was very emotionally invested in it.

I had to look this one up. Attracted to someone you have an emotional bond with? That's normal to me. Do most people not have emotional bonds with their partners?

You dodged a bullet @CorsaG19. But the pain of heartbreak is utter shit. Be kind to yourself, speak to the Samaritans and find a therapist. Although it's hard right now, not having this woman in your life is what is best for you and your daughter.

@flashylamp

I had been made redundant so aside from my uni placement the rest of my time was stuck at home so i didnt see the harm in the facetime. We had known each other for years and it wasnt like it was just a random new person in my life.

She instigated it. It was a very big thing for her. Im not really someone who rings people and she did make comments about this. I just didnt see the harm in it at the time. When we first years ago she would facetime me for a few hours each day whilst DD was at nursery so it was the norm for her. She facetimes her family constantly. I just thought this was a younger generation thing

A lot of people have that reaction regarding the demisexual thing and i thought the same however it is a little more complex in the regards that its impossible for me to meet people through online dating or out with friends in a bar etc (not that this appeals to me at all). I have to have a stong emotional bond with a woman before i even find them attractive. It makes dating pretty much impossible and im fine with that as its not a priority. It just makes me feel somewhat lonely sometimes. And i think this is why i was so emotionally invested in this relationship

I'm not going to scoff at the demisexual thing, but I will suggest that you have a think about how loneliness/desire to have a partner (both completely natural of course) can play into falling really hard and fast when you believe that there is a strong emotional bond. It can make you very vulnerable to love-bombing type behaviour because you need the overwhelming attraction to even consider someone as a potential partner. So if someone ticks that box, you'll tumble - even if it's all fake.

As lockdown eases, maybe some practical advice would be to widen your social circle to meet more people (on an non-sexual basis) so that attraction has the chance of taking root in an non-dating environment.

(I realise I've just told you to get a hobby to take your mind off things, I am clearly channelling Cathy & Claire, soz! But it's good advice)

@Dozer

Seems like you made a series of poor decisions with this relationship, from the start and throughout. And spent a lot of time and attention that’d have been much better used in other aspects of your life.

This is very true, it also describes my life very well! Still I continue to try and understand myself, pull myself up by my bootstraps.

We spoke all day every day. It escalated into being on facetime up to 18 hours a day (we slept overnight on facetime to each other).

Now she was obviously fully aware I had a daughter. She had met her once before back in the day. She spoke to her most days on facetime.

Well she'd have to if you were spending up to 18 hours a day on FaceTime to her, otherwise you'd have been neglecting your child as you're a single parent so presumably when not in school she has been with you the whole time.

She spoke to her most days on facetime. Her family spoke to her.

Why the fuck are her family speaking to your child when "She always made it clear that she wasn't keen on children. She didn't want them herself and she didn't know if she would cope with mine as she had never been in that situation."

We decided at first for her to come during the week when my daughter was at school so she just saw her a few hours in the evening. Then she asked if she could stay the weekend. It then turned into about 6 weeks of her mainly being at mine and going back to her parents the days I had work. Everything was perfect between us.

I can't get over how irresponsible it was to essentially move in a new partner who doesn't like or want kids, or to live with a kid.

I always kept my daughter a priority.

I appreciate you are feeling really low but to move on you need to be honest with yourself. When you started the relationship and moved in you didn't even know she was going to say at some point that she did want kids after all. You stated the relationship and moved her in knowing she didn't want to have or live with kids. That was ridiculous.

I'm also demisexual (I can hear your scoffs already, I appreciate not everyone 'believes' that kind of thing) so I think this was a reason I was very emotionally invested in it.

I'm not scoffing. I just think it's really self indulgent to put a label on finding people attractive when you have an emotional bond... essentially what a relationship is for the vast vast majority of people.

I think you would really benefit from some counselling to try and work through a number of issues, particularly your relationship boundaries and how they affect your daughter. Your approach towards relationships is very immature which would of course be only your problem if you didn't have a child, but you do.

You put her in an intense and confusing situation that she is not equipped to navigate at eight years old. You really need to do some work on yourself to ensure that doesn't happen again.

OP, you’ve had a lucky lucky escape here.
None of it sounds like the foundations of a healthy relationship.
The intensity, the love bombing, the holding over you about being a parent. If she was more obsessive over you or living closer, you and your child could have ended up in a potentially abusive situation. I think your eyes need to open to this, and the effect it could have had on your child.

I understand that the loneliness of being a lone parent is tough, but I would do a healthy relationships programme with a dv charity or women’s aid before you get into another relationship.
And probably work on other areas of your life so you are happy and secure enough so you are less likely to put up with bullshit when it happens.
Women are often fed the illusion that having an amazing relationship will be the key to having a good life, and I’m not saying it isn’t, but having a good support network of friends and family around you, having outside interests, a secure job, good finances are all things to work on, so they are in place if you have a relationship or not.